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Thread: My case might be rare

  1. #1
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    My case might be rare

    So I posted before about a casual situation where I started catching feelings for my partner but out of nowhere they broke it off in a tacky way. I get it, casual holds no merit but it happens. I grew a bond with my partner as a friend. Uplifting, encouraging, similar career interests and of course the attraction. I figured along the way we weren't a match but valued the friendship. So although it initially hurt because I immediately thought of the death of the friendship and my growing feelings, I still valued that friendship. During it he had never disrespected me. However, he told me he started seeing someone and so I stopped contact. A few days after he broke it off he called, said the time had been rough on him, told me about his business plans, I told him it was good hearing from him the time had been rough on me too but I wanted him to be happy. No contact rules don't really apply because of the casual nature of it so I wasn't stopping contact FOR reconnection etc. But to try to readjust my feelings and heal from it happening suddenly.

    From my upbringing/past I didn't feel the need to stop contact because of my emotions. I've done that before over anger and the person passed before we could make up (family member). I'd feel horrible if that happened BUT interacting with him is helping me heal faster and platonic feelings are taking over. He text early am asking how I was this week (some days after the last time). I felt comfort to hear from him. He asked what I was doing and I told him the exciting news, got really excited and text back more about moving away for work. I didn't think much of it but he just stopped texting and never said " got to go " or responded to the info he asked about. It's making me not want the friendship because it's just not the same. I don't feel the genuine encouragement. Getting excited feeling like I could share the news with someone who cares yet... No sexual things were said but it feels weird like we're sneaking behind someone's back. It's like a vibe.

    I think I'm understanding why it's not a good idea to be friends but I would never forgive myself if something happened to him. ADVICE PLEASE.

  2. #2
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    Huh. Part of me wonders if he was starting to feel it too, hence why he ended seeing someone else and told you it was rough on him. And now you said you're leaving and you were excited about it, so it might have left him in a weird place. Oh, well. If he wants to date you, he knows how you feel and he's free to step up. I would just focus on your plans and if he comes around, great. No sense in analyzing a FWB situation because it will just keep you in limbo. Also, even if you take a break from someone in order to heal or move on, that doesn't mean they have to be on ice forever or that there's ill will involved. Just communicate that if that's what you need--a person who is healthy and cares for you (platonic or otherwise) will understand.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Just sounds like you need a real minute of space. Thatís okay. Take it, so you really heal on your own. Youíll know when your feelings a genuinely, fully, solely platonic and then you can have a friendship.

    I have many great friendships with exes, former lovers. None of them just blurred from one to the other. One or both of us were able to communicate (a) respect and affection and (b) a need for silence to let feelings burn off.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Thatís the flaw of staying in an exes life. I see youíre trying to justify it for this reason and that but look, at the end of the day he isnít simply a platonic friend and thatís why itís upsetting you so much

    Think about a platonic friend, if they donít text you back do you get anxious? Do you over think? Do you start to feel insecure? Of course not! You go on with your day until you hear that ding or in my case you call them up and yell hey! Check your messages butthead! Thatís what friendship is, we feel safe and secure with our friends.

    Heís not your friend. At least not right now.

    Give it time.

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  6. #5
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    Your feelings for him are not platonic yet, OP.

    I know you want to hang on to friendship, but you are still not in that emotional place. And that's okay. He is showing you he that he doesn't have hard feelings, but that he isn't that keen to keep up close contact either. I imagine he does care about you but also doesn't want to lead you to think he's got a renewed romantic interest.

    Take your space from him. Foster your other friendships so you don't come to attach so much emotionaly meaning to messages from him. Maybe one day, after you've reached a point of greater indifference about him, you can be friends again. Now is evidently not the right time.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Unfortunately it's quite common to cease contact with a friend/fwb/casual situation when someone gets in a relationship. Perhaps it's time to think about dating available interested guys and also making some new friends. This guy seems to want to fade out of the picture because he's moved on.
    Originally Posted by LivingLife1
    he told me he started seeing someone and so I stopped contact. A few days after he broke it off

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    Your feelings for him are not platonic and he's in a relationship. It's perfectly normal for someone to reduce or end contact with an ex fwb while they're in a relationship. It's the respectful thing to do to his partner and also to you. You're not "regular friends", not at this point. Also, you still have some sort of feelings for him or you wouldn't be feeling like this about him reducing contact or not continuing conversation. If you want to move on from him and perhaps find someone, you need to detach from him at this time. Don't lean on him for emotional support or for friendship. You two are not there, at least not yet. Go no contact for yourself and focus on your own "regular platonic friends" or on meeting new people.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    I missed that little nugget at first but the fact that after he broke up he tells you Ďit was rough for himí is a flashing red light over his head that says ďtrying to get laid and ego boostedĒ. I think itís bat who says something like watch the feet not the mouth, or something close to that, essentially heís telling you these sweet things when itís convienient for him. I messed with my FWB for months thinking every little nuance meant something, thinking my situation was unique, it wasnít and yours isnt either. He knows exactly how to get into a relationship, he was just in one. His mouth isnít broken nor does he have an issue being vulnerable with you so his words are saying one thing but his actions another. Youíre projecting a lot here. Get some distance for you. If heís secretly in love with you the NC will expedite him coming clean, if not heís just trying to get you back into your back up girl position and I think itís safe to say you want more than that.

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    Still trying to learn how to navigate this site

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by HealingLight
    Huh. Part of me wonders if he was starting to feel it too, hence why he ended seeing someone else and told you it was rough on him. And now you said you're leaving and you were excited about it, so it might have left him in a weird place. Oh, well. If he wants to date you, he knows how you feel and he's free to step up. I would just focus on your plans and if he comes around, great. No sense in analyzing a FWB situation because it will just keep you in limbo. Also, even if you take a break from someone in order to heal or move on, that doesn't mean they have to be on ice forever or that there's ill will involved. Just communicate that if that's what you need--a person who is healthy and cares for you (platonic or otherwise) will understand.
    Oh I didn't even think about it like that, I assume he wouldn't care if I moves because we don't talk as much and have not seen each other in a month now but it makes sense ...thats why I ask for advice, those outside of the situation with no history with the person can read between the lines

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