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Thread: Why does NC help get your ex back?

  1. #1
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    Why does NC help get your ex back?

    Disclaimer - Hello everyone. I would first like to say thank you for this forum/site for helping me get better through this rough breakup. The insight and support is amazing. That being said I am going to list some stuff I should clarify before going on
    - I know NC isn't a manipulation tool
    - I know it's suppose to be for the dumpee to help grow and work on oneself.
    - However I do eventually want to get my ex back but I have a lot of questions lol.
    Btw I am a 20 (F) my ex is 21 (M)
    I am 3 weeks of NC right now

    So every reconciliation story I've read (nearly hundreds) just on this site alone NC has been crucial in them reconnecting later. My question is why?
    Isn't the point of a breakup is that the dumper doesn't want contact with their ex?
    Wouldn't the dumper be happy that the dumpee isn't reaching out since that's what they wanted in the first place?
    If anything wouldn't they be angry if the dumpee doesn't reach out for months and then one day just pops up again?
    So why is it that no contact can help towards forgiveness if it just seems like something the dumper wants anyway?

  2. #2
    Gold Member thisisrichey's Avatar
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    i don' think the no contact is the "key" to getting back together. That would be the wrong way to see this.
    It is more that if there is to be any hope for a future anything (relationship or friendship) - you need to take a break from each other and no contact is the best way to do that. But it doesn't GUARANTEE a future friendship or relationship will happen. It just means that if you insist on continuing to be in contact - for sure that gives you the LEAST chance of having a successful and healthy friendship or relationship in the future.

    The best way to explain this is: "to be able to have a healthy friendship or relationship down the road, you must first UN-LEARN the unhealthy relationships/friendship you currently have."

    Contact is continuation. If it didn't wrk now, continuing contact will only ensure it continues to NOT work now. To make your fortunes change you need to end contact so you can start over. But again, it doesn't guarantee it WILL work.. it just gives you the best chance for it to work if it ever will.

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    You have two choices if you want to get back together with an ex who dumped you.

    Act desperate and clingy, by constantly contacting them and try to win them back. I've seen several friends do this and they drove the other person away further.

    Or don't contact them all all. Enjoy life and be happy, which is not what they expected. Maybe they realise they made a mistake and give you a chance in the near future, but there is no certainty in this method.

    I prefer to be happy and find someone better than my ex. The other options don't make sense. Who would want to get back with someone who rejected you???

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    Yes, you are correct. I understand in the desperate clingy case (I made that mistake :( sadly) it does not work
    but like I guess I see that they realize after NC it's a mistake I just figured they push it away because they made the choice of dumping you

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    Originally Posted by thisisrichey
    i don' think the no contact is the "key" to getting back together. That would be the wrong way to see this.
    It is more that if there is to be any hope for a future anything (relationship or friendship) - you need to take a break from each other and no contact is the best way to do that. But it doesn't GUARANTEE a future friendship or relationship will happen. It just means that if you insist on continuing to be in contact - for sure that gives you the LEAST chance of having a successful and healthy friendship or relationship in the future.

    The best way to explain this is: "to be able to have a healthy friendship or relationship down the road, you must first UN-LEARN the unhealthy relationships/friendship you currently have."

    Contact is continuation. If it didn't wrk now, continuing contact will only ensure it continues to NOT work now. To make your fortunes change you need to end contact so you can start over. But again, it doesn't guarantee it WILL work.. it just gives you the best chance for it to work if it ever will.
    Thanks! and yeah I see what you mean it makes me feel a lot better understanding the psyche of it

  7. #6
    Gold Member SGH's Avatar
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    No contact isn't just so the dumper can grow and "improve". It is so both individuals in the relationship can rebuild their lives without one another. The goal of NC, in my opinion, is to disconnect and learn how to meet one's own needs completely separate from the previous relationship. In the beginning stages, a big part of that is the grief process, which you are currently going through.

    Work on accepting that the relationship is over and act as if you'll never get back together. The fact is, the two of you wouldn't have broken up if it was working, and a few months or even a year probably won't change realistically change that.

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    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Have you heard of the bargaining stage?

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    Originally Posted by figureitout23
    Have you heard of the bargaining stage?
    Yes I have

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    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ineedahug
    Yes I have
    Maybe read up on it a bit. It might help give you a break from the tunnel vision youíre in with analyzing NC and reconciliation stories.

    NC is a very simple concept, itís not about anger or giving your ex what they want. Itís about self preservation and respecting the wishes of that person. The potential bonus to that self preservation is your ex has enough time away from you to start to miss you and potentially regret leaving. Itís certainly not a guarantee but like you pointed out is often a piece of the puzzle. I think someone else pointed it out, but it bears repeating. What attracts you to potential mates, is it desperation and neediness and tears? Of course not so why would stating in their orbit help? Staying in their orbit is completely about the dumpee and their need to either soothe their anxiety and/or stop the fear that they will be forgotten or replaced. And ironically often times when a dumpee insists on staying in touch itís to sooth their own guilt and/or anxiety, itís a lot easier to date when you believe you have a safety net. Theres just really no need to stay in contact with an ex immediately following a breakup, itís a very vulnerable and confusing time for the both of you and itís best to get some breathing room.

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    Originally Posted by figureitout23
    Maybe read up on it a bit. It might help give you a break from the tunnel vision youíre in with analyzing NC and reconciliation stories.

    NC is a very simple concept, itís not about anger or giving your ex what they want. Itís about self preservation and respecting the wishes of that person. The potential bonus to that self preservation is your ex has enough time away from you to start to miss you and potentially regret leaving. Itís certainly not a guarantee but like you pointed out is often a piece of the puzzle. I think someone else pointed it out, but it bears repeating. What attracts you to potential mates, is it desperation and neediness and tears? Of course not so why would stating in their orbit help? Staying in their orbit is completely about the dumpee and their need to either soothe their anxiety and/or stop the fear that they will be forgotten or replaced. And ironically often times when a dumpee insists on staying in touch itís to sooth their own guilt and/or anxiety, itís a lot easier to date when you believe you have a safety net. Theres just really no need to stay in contact with an ex immediately following a breakup, itís a very vulnerable and confusing time for the both of you and itís best to get some breathing room.
    Wow this gave me amazing insight like really. You are right about the anxiety and forgetting part. I desperately wanted to call/text my ex right after the break up and ended up looking super desperate. Like really bad :( and in my head at the time I figured maybe he would take me back if he saw I loved him this much now looking back it was very needy and I needed my ex to basically call me those things to realize I needed to back the WAY off. I just figured since he didnít want me to talk to him that NC would just make him happy but I see the reasoning behind it, he needs space and maybe with the space heíll realize it isnít what he wants. But nothing is guaranteed I just felt a little hopeless for a bit and this feedback helps a lot. Thank you very much

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