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Thread: Why does NC help get your ex back?

  1. #21
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    So it's been officially 30 days, which is honestly pretty short for me. In my head I never thought I could do it but I have a lot more to go. Some days feel like years while others feel like seconds. Something that bothers me is that I still dream about him almost every night. I know they mean nothing but some dreams are nice in which we get back together and I wake up sad. Then other dreams are terrible where he rejects me and then I wake up sad. So it kind of sucks but I look forward to growing as a person. I already see improvement (mentally) as I started seeing a therapist and I am gaining back the weight I lost during the breakup to be healthier as well as just trying to be kinder to anyone I see/meet. My heart still yearns for my ex and I'm not going to pretend I fantasize about scenarios where we will reunite but for now there's not much I can do

  2. #22
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    Originally Posted by ineedahug
    Disclaimer - Hello everyone. I would first like to say thank you for this forum/site for helping me get better through this rough breakup. The insight and support is amazing. That being said I am going to list some stuff I should clarify before going on
    - I know NC isn't a manipulation tool
    - I know it's suppose to be for the dumpee to help grow and work on oneself.
    - However I do eventually want to get my ex back but I have a lot of questions lol.
    Btw I am a 20 (F) my ex is 21 (M)
    I am 3 weeks of NC right now

    So every reconciliation story I've read (nearly hundreds) just on this site alone NC has been crucial in them reconnecting later. My question is why?
    Isn't the point of a breakup is that the dumper doesn't want contact with their ex?
    Wouldn't the dumper be happy that the dumpee isn't reaching out since that's what they wanted in the first place?
    If anything wouldn't they be angry if the dumpee doesn't reach out for months and then one day just pops up again?
    So why is it that no contact can help towards forgiveness if it just seems like something the dumper wants anyway?
    It doesn't. You said you know that NC isn't a manipulation tool, but you're using it as one. NC is to help you get over a relationship. Not get someone back. Sometimes by default it brings narcissistic personality types back to you, but that's only because they need the attention or want to feel like they are in control and can hoover you back. But after you come back, they'll become cold and distant shortly after and you'll be back in the same position.

    So stop worrying about if someone gets angry because you haven't reached out to them. Use NC to get better.

  3. #23
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    Every time I've used it, it's worked. And it's always worked around the eight weeks mark (they seem to have a sixth sense for when you're just about over them).

    I absolutely agree with everyone that it shouldn't be used as a tool for manipulation but I REALLY think that in the early stages, when your mind is all over the place, the 'hope' that NC might bring them back is motivation to keep going with it. When everything is still raw, I have found it comforting that - should I have wanted them back or not, the only option open to me was NC. It creates a bit of calm and helps you stick to your guns. So stick to your guns!

    I say none of this to give you hope as, also in my experience (even if they spend months jumping through hoops before you even acknowledge their existence - my ex was sending me weekly shopping deliveries, leaving flowers and letters on my doorstep and booking helicopter flights), if they do come back, they are every bit as useless as they were before and any remorse or regret about having left you in the first place disappears before too long.

    Sounds to me as if you're doing great - and if you can just keep going as you are then you will look back on this as a really positive turning point in your life, even though I know it probably hurts now. Keep going!

  4. #24
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    I don't believe that NC is a good technique at all, for trying to win back an ex.

    Not if you want to get back together and *stay* together, anyway.

    Relationships break up because one or both parties are unhappy in the relationship, for whatever reason. If you want to win the ex back, you have to be brutally honest with yourself as to why your ex was unhappy with you, and whether that is something you are prepared to change about yourself. Otherwise. Even if they miss you, you will still break up again.

    For example, say Annie breaks up with Johnny cos he has a drinking problem and can't hold down a job. She may miss him. She may remember the good times. She may eventually think she misses him so much that she gets back together with him. But if he is still drinking and gets fired again, she will DEFINITELY dump him again.

    On the other hand, if he was to make genuine changes and sort out the actual issues, and she can see the results, they have a real chance at genuine, longlasting reconciliation.

    NC is as good as useless.

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  6. #25
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    Originally Posted by smittenkittn
    I don't believe that NC is a good technique at all, for trying to win back an ex.

    Not if you want to get back together and *stay* together, anyway.

    Relationships break up because one or both parties are unhappy in the relationship, for whatever reason. If you want to win the ex back, you have to be brutally honest with yourself as to why your ex was unhappy with you, and whether that is something you are prepared to change about yourself. Otherwise. Even if they miss you, you will still break up again.

    For example, say Annie breaks up with Johnny cos he has a drinking problem and can't hold down a job. She may miss him. She may remember the good times. She may eventually think she misses him so much that she gets back together with him. But if he is still drinking and gets fired again, she will DEFINITELY dump him again.

    On the other hand, if he was to make genuine changes and sort out the actual issues, and she can see the results, they have a real chance at genuine, longlasting reconciliation.

    NC is as good as useless.

    Oh gosh where do I even begin...

    Annie breaking up with Johnny because he has a drinking problem and going NC is about her distancing herself from him and beginning to heal. Itís quite possible her breaking up and no longer being in his life is what triggers Johnny to get clean, he distances himself to work on himself and comes out sober and stronger both mentally and emotionally, letís say itís 6 months later and they arenít in contact and johnny wants to reconnect, it can go 3 ways, she can say no, sheís in a new relationship, she can say no she doesnít want to go through it all again or she can say yes. Since Johnny spent those 6 months worrying about himself he can handle whatever response happens and since Annie spent those 6 months gaining space and working on herself she can make a clear decision.

    Your option, stay in touch. Either Annie broke up to get a response so she stay in touch to see if he fixiea himself but he doesnít because well she never left so whatís the point sheíll cave eventually which letís be honest she does she was calling his bluff OR she stays in touch using him for an ego boost while she moves onto another guy leaving Johnny worse off emotionally he starts drinking more.

    Literally anything in life done with ill intentions wonít pan out. Thatís not the point of NC. Please google it.

  7. #26
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    Originally Posted by Enn
    ... in the early stages, when your mind is all over the place, the 'hope' that NC might bring them back is motivation to keep going with it. When everything is still raw, I have found it comforting that - should I have wanted them back or not, the only option open to me was NC.
    That's the great thing about NC. You might do it because you think it's a way to get them back, but if you do it properly you heal and move on. They come back if they want to, not because of anything you do. Paradoxically NC (done properly, with self improvement) makes you look more attractive if they are thinking that way. Win/win.

    ... if they do come back, they are every bit as useless as they were before and any remorse or regret about having left you in the first place disappears before too long.
    Interesting comment. I agree with it if it is after a short time apart - weeks, a few months - the same problems emerge. Give it a year or more and self development on both sides, and the result could be different. Each person needs to have moved on, dated other people, worked towards their goals in life, etc, but then they might be incompatible at that point.

    I bumped into a friend of the ex recently. I have trained our mutual friends to tell me nothing about her or what she is doing. Anyway, this one I hadn't seen for a long time, and she blurted out that ex was no longer with the fellow she dumped me for and was single. Haven't heard from her for many months, I said, changed the subject to something else, and moved on.

    So no guarantees folks - NC might create scarcity, a condition that generates attraction, but do it for yourself, not to manipulate your ex.

  8. #27
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    Originally Posted by Blank State
    It doesn't. You said you know that NC isn't a manipulation tool, but you're using it as one. NC is to help you get over a relationship. Not get someone back. Sometimes by default it brings narcissistic personality types back to you, but that's only because they need the attention or want to feel like they are in control and can hoover you back. But after you come back, they'll become cold and distant shortly after and you'll be back in the same position.

    So stop worrying about if someone gets angry because you haven't reached out to them. Use NC to get better.
    This!^^

    Cut and paste to your fridge, it's spot on!!!

  9. #28
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    Originally Posted by smittenkittn

    I don't believe that NC is a good technique at all, for trying to win back an ex.

    Not if you want to get back together and *stay* together, anyway.

    Relationships break up because one or both parties are unhappy in the relationship, for whatever reason. If you want to win the ex back, you have to be brutally honest with yourself as to why your ex was unhappy with you, and whether that is something you are prepared to change about yourself. Otherwise. Even if they miss you, you will still break up again.

    For example, say Annie breaks up with Johnny cos he has a drinking problem and can't hold down a job. She may miss him. She may remember the good times. She may eventually think she misses him so much that she gets back together with him. But if he is still drinking and gets fired again, she will DEFINITELY dump him again.

    On the other hand, if he was to make genuine changes and sort out the actual issues, and she can see the results, they have a real chance at genuine, longlasting reconciliation.

    NC is as good as useless.
    Sk, if I am reading this^ correctly, you are not advocating staying in touch and agree remaining no contact is good and necessary.

    What you don't agree with is using no contact specifically to get your ex back.

    Did I interpret your post correctly?

    If yes, you make good points and I agree with you.

  10. 01-03-2019, 11:35 PM

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