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Thread: Why does NC help get your ex back?

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by figureitout23
    Maybe read up on it a bit. It might help give you a break from the tunnel vision youíre in with analyzing NC and reconciliation stories.

    NC is a very simple concept, itís not about anger or giving your ex what they want. Itís about self preservation and respecting the wishes of that person. The potential bonus to that self preservation is your ex has enough time away from you to start to miss you and potentially regret leaving. Itís certainly not a guarantee but like you pointed out is often a piece of the puzzle. I think someone else pointed it out, but it bears repeating. What attracts you to potential mates, is it desperation and neediness and tears? Of course not so why would stating in their orbit help? Staying in their orbit is completely about the dumpee and their need to either soothe their anxiety and/or stop the fear that they will be forgotten or replaced. And ironically often times when a dumpee insists on staying in touch itís to sooth their own guilt and/or anxiety, itís a lot easier to date when you believe you have a safety net. Theres just really no need to stay in contact with an ex immediately following a breakup, itís a very vulnerable and confusing time for the both of you and itís best to get some breathing room.
    I agree with everything everyone has said about NC, just wanted to add a bit to the part in bold. Many times (and there was even a big thread about it here by superdave I think some years ago ), the fact that the dumper has the dumpee orbiting around and offering their fake friendship, makes it so that the dumper has a safety net and can go on dating others and even get a relationship easier because they know they have a safety net, that the dumpee is there in case something happens with the new relationship. Also, they can have all the fun with the new person, because if they want emotional support they have the dumpee orbiting around for crumbles and so the new person doesn't need to assume that role. And yes, I call it fake friendship from the dumpee, because the dumpee is being friends in hopes that the dumper doesn't forget them and sees how amazing they are and wants to return, but this almost always backfires. The dumpee is orbiting around still in hopes and still in the bargaining fase even if they pretend to be cool with being friends and such.

    But anyways, NC is for your own healing, to move on and to learn to live life by yourself and fulfil your own needs. If they come back or not, that's an extra. But yes, there's often more possibilities of them coming back if there's been a long period of NC than if the person keeps texting them and bargaining for them to come back. But for the relationship to work the second time, both need to have matured and solve what was causing the relationship not to work the first time. Maybe even making some sort of "reset".

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Getting back together is something both people have to want. It's not a matter of this or that technique to facilitate it. Most relationships end for reasons. Often those reasons do not really get resolved. There could be incompatibility, too much conflict, someone else, breach of trust etc. Or the feelings are gone.

    There are so many moving parts in two people breaking up and even more in getting back together that something as simple as "no contact" is no magic bullet.

    One person wanting to reconcile is often borne of loneliness, regret, inability to accept truths, etc. It usually has nothing to do with both people actually wanting to and getting back together after an epiphany that breaking up was a mistake. Most often these situations turn into on/off scenarios because fundamental unresolved issues remain combined with the inability to let go. Both of those aspects/reasons are unhealthy.

  3. #13
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Getting back together is something both people have to want. It's not a matter of this or that technique to facilitate it. Most relationships end for reasons. Often those reasons do not really get resolved. There could be incompatibility, too much conflict, someone else, breach of trust etc. Or the feelings are gone.

    There are so many moving parts in two people breaking up and even more in getting back together that something as simple as "no contact" is no magic bullet.

    One person wanting to reconcile is often borne of loneliness, regret, inability to accept truths, etc. It usually has nothing to do with both people actually wanting to and getting back together after an epiphany that breaking up was a mistake. Most often these situations turn into on/off scenarios because fundamental unresolved issues remain combined with the inability to let go. Both of those aspects/reasons are unhealthy.
    If youíre saying that the only reason people reconcile is because of loneliness I donít agree since Iíve seen cases where itís been years and both people have been other people so they werenít lonely just realized who they actually wanted to be with. I understand NC isnít the magic bullet but I always wondered why it was so crucial for people but I can see why now

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by ineedahug
    If youíre saying that the only reason people reconcile is because of loneliness I donít agree since Iíve seen cases where itís been years and both people have been other people so they werenít lonely just realized who they actually wanted to be with. I understand NC isnít the magic bullet but I always wondered why it was so crucial for people but I can see why now
    "One person wanting to reconcile is often borne of loneliness, regret, inability to accept truths, etc. "

    He said "often". Not the "only" reason.

    I did go back to an ex because I was lonely and feeling sorry for myself. And what a crap show that ended up being. I should have just powered through the loneliness.

    And like we often say on here, how can your ex miss you if you're always lurking around? No one "misses" a hot fudge sundae right after they just ate one or if there are a dozen of them in the freezer.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Good thread, this.

    Odd as it sounds, the only way you can get into a healthy relationshipóbe it with a new person or reconciling with someone from your pastóis to get to the place where you're good and sturdy on your own.

    So, when it comes to reconciliation, which I do believe is possible, it only works when the pain and feelings have been fully processed, when you've let go of that chapter, when the anxiety has given way to calm and acceptance without the other person providing a false sense of calm.

    Contact, often, provides a false sense calm. The problem with a false sense of calm is it quickly gives way to anxiety, and you're back in the vicious cycle. With NC, you're forced to deal with all this alone, and in doing that you tap back into yourself and the strength that is already inside of you, awaiting excavation. It's hard, but so satisfying. It brings clarity.

    Sometimes, after processing it, you realize (with those clear eyes) that your feelings have fadedóthat what you thought were such deep feelings were actually just anxiety, surface pain, loneliness, the wound. And, yeah, sometimes, post all the processing, once the wound has closed, what comes to the surface is something softer, deeper, warmer, and genuine. And if that happens for both peopleówell, only then is another romantic chapter remotely possible.

    Point being, step one is that NC is not a manipulation tactic, but a healing tactic, for you. You're a marathon runner with a broken leg. You don't heal the leg by running marathons; you heal it by laying down, sitting still. NC is laying down, sitting still, letting the bones reset; contact is asking another person to be your cast, your crutches, so you can run before you're ready.

  7. #16
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    I understand what everyone means. I guess I also have so much to go. Itís only been 3 weeks NC. I guess from my perspective I always figured like I would want someone back only if they actually tried for me but I really do see now I need to get better for myself. Iím actually going home for winter break from college today so it will help me heal a lot. Iím also seeing a doctor about some issues prior and during the breakup Iíve been dealing with. I like to believe in life with the right mindset you can achieve anything. And yes sadly for this relationship my ex will also want to be willing to reconcile for that to happen but who knows.
    That being said Iím going to actually take a few days off from here. Maybe until after the holidays but I find myself back here when it gets too hard so maybe not lol.
    That being said I hoe you all have an amazing and happy holidays and to be joyful. Thank you for all the help
    Also feel free to add on more to his thread as I would love to read new replies when I eventually come back!

  8. #17
    I am 100% on NC! I know from my own experience, my ex needed space and i didn't understand and got needy, only causing it to end all together, then after I was still needy and desperately tried to stay in contact with her only making things worse and forcing her away for good.
    I really believe if I would of left her alone when she first needed space and did NC. and then when she wanted to start seeing each other again, still remained distant from her, things would of gotten better. Then after we broke up, i should of never contacted her for at least 1-3 months. I should of left her alone completely and showed her I didn't need her to be happy, instead i did the opposite and it killed any chance I ever had.
    My advice to any body that gets dumped that wants another chance. IF you get dumped. Take it like a good thing. Like "okay, have a good life and take care". then don't contact for quite a while. NO MATTER HOW BAD YOU WaNT to DON"T!! you will regret it like i do. for me it's been over a year since she left me and I still regret all my actions afterwards.

  9. #18
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    Iím actually very curious
    How long after the breakup did you keep persisting?
    I did for a little before going NC
    Iím assuming you now have NC? But maybe not by choice. Any answers would help

  10. #19
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    For me it was a combination of many various things. No so much no contact, but limited contact, self improvement (eating better / hitting the gym), seeing a counsellor, being a better father to my kids. A new wardrobe.

    The brief moments we had together I used to let this new found confidence shine, I didnt hold back and could see this had my ex's attention. She was noticing a lot about me that was different.

    She also played a limited contact game, but I notice at times where I kept it short, sweet and witty she would come back to me. I just tried to not smother her.

    As bad as it sounds we had regular sex during the initial stages of the break up, so I made sure I left my mark during those moments.

    The final nail in the coffin was me telling her how I no longer needed her to exist, to have an identity. A big risk (if the plan was to get her back, but I dont think it was!) but I needed her to know I ready to start life alone guns blazing. It was at this point the "tables turned" in her words..

    Right now shes afraid of losing me and is willing to work at the 17 year relationship, something she had not considered before.


    Each situation out there is very individual, there have been screw ups on both sides in this relationship. But through communication and honesty, I can see a bright future as long as we both want it. It all depends on the reasons things failed I guess and if the persons involved have anything that draw them together. Once that feeling has gone, I imagine its very, very hard to rekindle a relationship.


    Educating myself has been a HUGE thing for me and my self development, my recovery. I can only recommend reading books and watching YouTube to level yourself up whilst you do stuff like NC / LC. That alone will not be enough.

  11. #20
    Gold Member leseine7's Avatar
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    I learned to go NC for one main reason after breakups: To empower myself. Most of the breakups had broken down a lot of my confidence, I had acted desperate/ been insecure while things were falling apart, and getting the clean break sharpened my focus back on me, my own life, and what I truly wanted.

    In one case, NC did lead to my ex coming back around. He had gone through a cycle of "not knowing if he loved me" and dumping me to go be single, have some summer flings, and lead his life without a ball and chain, and my no contact gave him the space he'd needed to miss me and re-evaluate. We got back together. That lasted, oh, one year of torment while he continued to question things and ultimately dumped me on the exact same week he had the year prior. This time I went NC again, but there was no reconciliation in sight (I didn't want that ultimately anyway).

    My point is - if you're meant to reconcile, it will happen whether or not you go NC. The NC thing needs to be so that you can put distance between yourself and the pain of the breakup, so that you can focus on healing (as you said), take the reigns back on your life and find what is right for you ultimately.

    As for "why NC 'makes' anyone do anything" - this is honestly just a load of crap. Nobody is equal in what they react to. When I broke it off with someone and he went "NC" to me, this meant it was really over and I moved on with my life assuming he didn't want anything to do with me. It was better for us both that I did that, but yeah - NC did absolutely nothing to convince me to come back to someone I broke it off with.

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