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Did I embarrass him in front of everyone??? I feel terrible :(((


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Hi

 

So I decided to bring a "thank you" cake on my last day with an incredible team that I've worked with for few months. But there is this guy from the team who helped me big time during my training at this company. I liked him and I guess he liked me too because I used to see him around me EVERYWHERE I go. He liked to chat with me and show me stuff and after some time he asked me for my number. Anytime I would tell him, "Hey you should try this thing it's great", next morning he would tell me that he did!

 

Anyways, this guy found a better job so he resigned and was leaving the company today, a week before I will. So I decided to bring the cake the last day he will be at the company because I wanted him to be there, I thought he really deserves a thank you as well.

 

And so I did. I brought the cake to the office and I thanked everyone and said "I actually wanted to do this on my last day here, but since today is (his) last day, I decided I will do it today because I want (him) to be here with us. He helped me a lot and was really supportive, so thank you!". Then I complimented him saying how smart and passionate he is about his job and how the new company is so lucky to have him!

 

However!

 

I was expecting him to be more cheerful, but in fact I could feel that he was reallllyyy uncomfortable as he kept a poker face the whole time. He just ate a tiny bit, stayed for around 3 minutes, told me "thank you" and left... like he didn't even care!

 

He is not a shy person at all, he is verrrryy social, that's why I found it weird!

 

It was really awkward, kinda ruined the moment too and made me feel I made a mistake. Did any part of this upset him in any way? Did I do something wrong? I just wanted him to be happy and give him an extra nice memory to remember on his last day, but apparently I gave him a bad one :(

 

I know you will tell me that I should ask him directly but I know he will tell me that nothing is wrong.

Please help me understand what I did wrong. And also, should I apologize?

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Some people may be very social and outgoing and at the same time don't like being made the center of attention or otherwise fussed over. Kind of like lots of people will donate only on condition of anonymity.

 

Anyway, you didn't do anything wrong or bad so don't beat yourself up for it. You meant well and no doubt he knows it. It just seems like you might have discovered his shy side. When you choose to do these things, just do it because you want to do it and don't carry personal expectations on how others should react to it. He came, he had some cake, he left. It doesn't mean he didn't appreciate the effort you made, just not in the way you wanted it. Focus on the whole team, because I hope it wasn't just about him. I'm sure plenty of others in the office enjoyed the cake and your gesture.

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I would have told him in advance of your plans. You have no idea what he would have wanted on his last day, whether he's had a bad experience with being gushed over on a last day, whether he actually resigned and found a better job or was fired, etc. Some people just don't like being the center of attention. Also he may not want others to know all the details he shared about how he helped you/was supportive. Maybe he wasn't supposed to be doing that. Maybe he confided in people that he had a crush on you and your gushing embarrassed him, who knows. When I've been in his situation -leaving a company, a life transition -my coworkers or boss always asked me what I would like whether a lunch or a cake or nothing. And anyway you weren't his boss -I can see where a boss might plan a "surprise" for her employee who is leaving - surprise baby shower or bridal or bon voyage, etc.

 

I know you had good intentions. I would just take this as a minor lesson.

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you should ask him and apologize if you made him uncomfortable.

 

The lesson learned here is: out of COURTESY, you should've told him your plans beforehand and asked if that sounded good to him - since you were going to make him a central figure in front of the group as well. If you are ever going to do somethign that EFFECTS anybody else - it's always courteous and best to make sure it's okay with them first.

 

What you did was very thoughtful and terrific! BUT AGAIN, it affected somebody else. Therefore, to surprise him out of the blue without making sure with him first was probaly the mistake here.

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I second this.

 

 

I third this (that you did a very thoughtful and lovely thing).

 

No need to apologize you did nothing to apologize for, plus you don't know that you made him uncomfortable.

 

What you did was such a thoughtful gesture, to me he sounds ungrateful/unappreciative, a bit rude tbh.

 

I'm very shy about receiving this type of attention, always have been, I simply don't like a lot of fuss being made over me.

 

However, when someone goes out of their way to bake a cake or do something else that's thoughtful, I am very gracious; I don't put on a sour face, act like a big stick in the mud and then leave! Good gawd.

 

I'm sorry that's just rude and has nothing to do with even being uncomfortable imo.

 

Say nothing and move forward knowing you did a very lovely thing that apparently this man did not appreciate, for whatever reason.

 

catfeeder is right, NOT your monkey!

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I third this (that you did a very thoughtful and lovely thing).

 

No need to apologize you did nothing to apologize for, plus you don't know that you made him uncomfortable.

 

What you did was such a thoughtful gesture, to me he sounds ungrateful/unappreciative, a bit rude tbh.

 

I'm very shy about receiving this type of attention, always have been, I simply don't like a lot of fuss being made over me.

 

However, when someone goes out of their way to bake a cake or do something else that's thoughtful, I am very gracious; I don't put on a sour face, act like a big stick in the mud and then leave! Good gawd.

 

I'm sorry that's just rude and has nothing to do with even being uncomfortable imo.

 

Say nothing and move forward knowing you did a very lovely thing that apparently this man did not appreciate, for whatever reason.

 

catfeeder is right, NOT your monkey!

 

I agree he could have done a better job of reacting and we don't know what is going on with people. It could be he has a disability which the employer knows of and accommodates and it could affect his ability to react in a socially acceptable way to being thrust into the center of attention by surprise. For example some people hate being touched or tickled - hypersensitive to it - typically it's ok since social etiquette is to ask someone before touching them especially someone you don't know very well. That hypersensitive person might react rudely - because he or she is highly startled and impulsively reacts. Same here. He apparently acted very professionally and socially appropriate in all other interactions you had with him -in fact, you wanted to highlight that to your team! So that tells me that you struck a nerve and that he impulsively reacted and not as professionally as one would expect.

 

This is work not a social outing and so while people have to act professionally they shouldn't be expected to get personal at work without advance notice. You made this personal - you certainly highlighted his professional accomplishments but you did it in a gushing/center of attention way which made it too personal/intimate for him. I know your heart was in the right place. He likely did his very best in his reaction and he fell short.

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I agree he could have done a better job of reacting and we don't know what is going on with people. It could be he has a disability which the employer knows of and accommodates and it could affect his ability to react in a socially acceptable way to being thrust into the center of attention by surprise. For example some people hate being touched or tickled - hypersensitive to it - typically it's ok since social etiquette is to ask someone before touching them especially someone you don't know very well. That hypersensitive person might react rudely - because he or she is highly startled and impulsively reacts. Same here. He apparently acted very professionally and socially appropriate in all other interactions you had with him -in fact, you wanted to highlight that to your team! So that tells me that you struck a nerve and that he impulsively reacted and not as professionally as one would expect.

 

This is work not a social outing and so while people have to act professionally they shouldn't be expected to get personal at work without advance notice. You made this personal - you certainly highlighted his professional accomplishments but you did it in a gushing/center of attention way which made it too personal/intimate for him. I know your heart was in the right place. He likely did his very best in his reaction and he fell short.

 

I don;t think we need to jump to someone having a disability when they don't react the way someone wants them to

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Okay B, but just to clarify, I was talking about work; we celebrate birthdays, awards, last day, etc., with cake, sometimes ice cream, no one tells the person in advance it's usually a surprise, and frankly a fun surprise!

 

Like I said, this sort of attention normally makes me very uncomfortable, however as I said, when it happens, I am gracious, I would never dream of putting on a sour face and acting like this guy did, no matter how uncomfortable I felt.

 

Again, I just think it's rude to behave that way, jmo. I respect your opinion though, as always. :D

 

Touching is a completely different thing, people should not be touching/hugging in the office, period so agree with you there.

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Perhaps were there people who did not know he was leaving as well? Maybe this spilled the beans, so to speak

 

Yes, this was part of my point. Work should be a safe place in this particular respect where you're not expected to get personal or be the center of personal attention in the way described. It resonates because yesterday one of my bosses asked me a personal question during a one on one meeting. First time this has happened at this job (I've been there almost 2.5 years). This is how he did it. First he asked if he could ask me a personal question. I trust him so I said yes. He asked (and honestly I would have been fine with the question and loved that he asked first) . Then we discussed my answer - and again because this was one on one it was ok. Had he asked me that sort of personal question in front of a group - it really might have been awkward. Makes all the difference.

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..... A reserved reaction, as opposed to gushing gratitude, is not cause to start speculating that the guy has some kind of a disability or a social disorder.

 

No, I don't even agree that he was rude. He came, he briefly participated, he THANKED the OP personally, and then he left. Just because he didn't react in some bubbly gushing way like the OP imagined he would, doesn't make him rude or a bad person in any respect. This is an office. He did what was required and no more, he was perfectly polite about it, and that's fine.

 

The only thing is OP's expectations weren't met and her ego got bruised as a result and she took it way too personally when she shouldn't have. So I'll say it again, when you do something, be sure that you aren't doing it for the sake of a certain reaction. If you do things expecting a certain reaction, certain behavior, certain level of gushing gratitude, then you will be bitterly disappointed more often than not. Lesson learned and next time, check your motivations.

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..... A reserved reaction, as opposed to gushing gratitude, is not cause to start speculating that the guy has some kind of a disability or a social disorder.

 

No, I don't even agree that he was rude. He came, he briefly participated, he THANKED the OP personally, and then he left. Just because he didn't react in some bubbly gushing way like the OP imagined he would, doesn't make him rude or a bad person in any respect. This is an office. He did what was required and no more, he was perfectly polite about it, and that's fine.

 

The only thing is OP's expectations weren't met and her ego got bruised as a result and she took it way too personally when she shouldn't have. So I'll say it again, when you do something, be sure that you aren't doing it for the sake of a certain reaction. If you do things expecting a certain reaction, certain behavior, certain level of gushing gratitude, then you will be bitterly disappointed more often than not. Lesson learned and next time, check your motivations.

 

No I do not think he has a disability or a disorder based on how he reacted -not at all! I am just making the point that she does not know him personally and she did not ask him whether he'd be ok with this situation, a situation he is not required to be ok with at work, particularly on his very last day. It's not required to be made the center of attention by a coworker (not his boss even) on the last day of work. I meant it completely hypothetically to make it perfectly clear. I do not think he was as cordial as he could have been -I don't see his reaction as simply polite and reserved - he went beyond that and I think his reaction was perfectly normal and typical and all of that - and I do not think he was rude or unprofessional.

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..... A reserved reaction, as opposed to gushing gratitude, is not cause to start speculating that the guy has some kind of a disability or a social disorder.

 

I agree. That is a pretty big leap.

 

OP, I don't think you did anything wrong. For all you know, he might be worried that people would tease him for being such a "big help"...nudge, nudge, wink, wink. He might be seeing someone else at work and hopes she doesn't take your gesture the wrong way. He might just have been having a bad day in general. I wouldn't stress it, in any case.

 

In the the future, I would run it by the coworker who is leaving and check if it's cool that you acknowledge the occasion in such a manner.

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I agree. That is a pretty big leap.

 

OP, I don't think you did anything wrong. For all you know, he might be worried that people would tease him for being such a "big help"...nudge, nudge, wink, wink. He might be seeing someone else at work and hopes she doesn't take your gesture the wrong way. He might just have been having a bad day in general. I wouldn't stress it, in any case.

 

In the the future, I would run it by the coworker who is leaving and check if it's cool that you acknowledge the occasion in such a manner.

 

I agree too. I did not make that leap and sorry if it was taken that way. It was a hypothetical. I agree with the rest of what you wrote.

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What you did was a very thoughtful and nice thing so don't beat yourself up if it didn't go as you had hoped.

 

He has your number and if he is interested he will contact you, in fact I am pretty sure he will contact you if you read him right.

 

His reaction could have been seeded in many things that are his issues not yours.

 

Keep being who you are.

 

Lost

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Were other people giving mini speeches? Not saying you did anything wrong, but the whole "hi everyone, I was gonna make this cake for my going away but here it is for this guy's instead" plug followed by quite vocally and fowardly singing his praises seems a bit awkward and a bit over the top to me. Not in some terrible way, but maybe to the extent that from his perspective, it was kind of an "alright, not sure what to do with this but thaaaaaanks?"

 

But who knows? For all we know, dude could have had a dinner date and would have been out the door in three minutes regardless. Not worth kicking yourself and debating what you could have done better. He gave you his thanks and I think that's plenty appropriate. I agree with the others who have suggested it that, now that you're not working with each other, it's worth reaching out and asking to meet up for a drink.

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Perhaps were there people who did not know he was leaving as well? Maybe this spilled the beans, so to speak

You kind of stole his thunder sort of making his last day about you. That was *not* cool.

 

right exactly. should have given him the courtesy to let him know you might do this and make sure it was okay with him (didn't conflict with anything he meant, wished, or how he wanted it to be).

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