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Update- mistake I made with guy


Gymgirl71

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Always follow your gut. It went from bad to worse to a disaster! I ended up dating him exclusively and for two weekends it went well. Now it has spiraled downhill! First, I find out he married someone for money but they are separated not divorced. Then, he calls me and is plastered at 7:30 pm on a weeknight. And on top of it, he’s acting disrespectful. He called me the orher night for over an hour, but on average he doesn’t call nearly enough and most of my calls get ignored and texts he will take his time responding half the time. He won’t make plans more than a day before and we never even go out! I don’t feel like he cares and just using this relationship to his advantage. #alwaystrustyourgut

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Now is the time to set yourself free and dump this clown. Why bother hooking up with a jerk? End it then delete and block him so you can move forward to date decent guys.

-he married someone for money but they are separated not divorced.

-he calls me and is plastered

-he’s acting disrespectful.

-He won’t make plans more than a day before and we never even go out

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OP....do you know what dating actually is? It's a time period where you sit back and observe the other person - how they act, how they treat you, what they reveal about their character and personality to you and does that actually work for you, their views and attitudes about everything from work to religion to lifestyle. It's YOUR time to get to know them and see IF this person is worth seeing again.

 

What you want to do is completely eliminate the get to know you process and jump into an instant relationship. You want to be his rock and exclusive after two dates? That's not even sane. I'm sorry but it just isn't. You are also making demands on him as if you've been in a relationship for years. It doesn't work like that.

 

OP, no sane guy will EVER ask you to be exclusive after just a few dates, let alone two. On top of that this guy is MARRIED and cheating on his wife. You don't actually know that he is separated and I don't know why you are surprised that this is all blowing up in your face, that you are being brushed off and son on. You do realize that cheating is not that simple, right? He can't exactly call you and answer your calls or texts or show up for coffee whenever. He kind of has more important obligations, including making sure his wife doesn't discover his extracurricular activities.

 

This guy is a complete stranger to you, you don't even know what all he is lying about and how far he will go with that, yet you want to be treated like you are already married, made a priority in his life, have an instant relationship. How lonely and desperate are you really? The way you are going about dating, honestly, you are pretty much ensuring that you don't get the relationship that you crave so much. Please get some help via counseling to get your head screwed on straight, figure out how dating actually works and how to engage in dating and relationships in a healthy way. Your issues truly are being the help of these boards.

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op....do you know what dating actually is? It's a time period where you sit back and observe the other person - how they act, how they treat you, what they reveal about their character and personality to you and does that actually work for you, their views and attitudes about everything from work to religion to lifestyle. It's your time to get to know them and see if this person is worth seeing again.

 

What you want to do is completely eliminate the get to know you process and jump into an instant relationship. You want to be his rock and exclusive after two dates? That's not even sane. I'm sorry but it just isn't. You are also making demands on him as if you've been in a relationship for years. It doesn't work like that.

 

Op, no sane guy will ever ask you to be exclusive after just a few dates, let alone two. On top of that this guy is married and cheating on his wife. You don't actually know that he is separated and i don't know why you are surprised that this is all blowing up in your face, that you are being brushed off and son on. You do realize that cheating is not that simple, right? He can't exactly call you and answer your calls or texts or show up for coffee whenever. He kind of has more important obligations, including making sure his wife doesn't discover his extracurricular activities.

 

This guy is a complete stranger to you, you don't even know what all he is lying about and how far he will go with that, yet you want to be treated like you are already married, made a priority in his life, have an instant relationship. How lonely and desperate are you really? The way you are going about dating, honestly, you are pretty much ensuring that you don't get the relationship that you crave so much. Please get some help via counseling to get your head screwed on straight, figure out how dating actually works and how to engage in dating and relationships in a healthy way. Your issues truly are being the help of these boards.

 

 

this ^^^^^^

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Why is it a trust your gut issue? Sometimes fear masquerades as "gut". To me this sounds more like - work on using common sense -your head -even when your heart/infatuation/hormones/chemistry is raging. Much simpler and more basic than having to learn how to trust your "gut".

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Lesson learned right? Right?

 

Slow down a little and get to know guys before you become exclusive. If they are really interested in you they will open up and be who they are eventually. That isn't to say some men and women for that matter hide who they really are until later but that is why they call it dating not relationshiping.

 

Sometimes jerks don't act like jerks till they feel secure.

 

Lost

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Lesson learned right? Right?

 

Slow down a little and get to know guys before you become exclusive. If they are really interested in you they will open up and be who they are eventually. That isn't to say some men and women for that matter hide who they really are until later but that is why they call it dating not relationshiping.

 

Sometimes jerks don't act like jerks till they feel secure.

 

Lost[/quote yup he put on a good act

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Lesson learned right? Right?

 

Slow down a little and get to know guys before you become exclusive. If they are really interested in you they will open up and be who they are eventually. That isn't to say some men and women for that matter hide who they really are until later but that is why they call it dating not relationshiping.

 

Sometimes jerks don't act like jerks till they feel secure.

 

Lost[/quote yup he put on a good act

 

It's not an issue if he puts on a good act- because if you do a combo of head and heart -common sense -and take things at a reasonable pace - then his act will have little to no effect on you because you will see through his actions that he is not acting in a caring or thoughtful way - but you have to be willing to use your head and common sense. Most often there is no need to go deeper or analyze your gut.

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Lesson learned right? Right?

 

Slow down a little and get to know guys before you become exclusive. If they are really interested in you they will open up and be who they are eventually. That isn't to say some men and women for that matter hide who they really are until later but that is why they call it dating not relationshiping.

 

Sometimes jerks don't act like jerks till they feel secure.

 

Lost

 

yup he put on a good act

 

I loved your post lost.

 

OPer I remember you. I remembee thinking you were done with him the last time. I also remember you saying your previous ex was a narcissist. Now this guys crazy. Isn’t the definition of insanity doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results?

 

Your pickers off.

 

To get it calibrated it takes taking some time to work on you.

 

Great men aren’t going anywhere. And when you’re ready you won’t have any of this drama, because you’ll spot broken a

mile away and you’ll avoid it like the plague

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It's not an issue if he puts on a good act- because if you do a combo of head and heart -common sense -and take things at a reasonable pace - then his act will have little to no effect on you because you will see through his actions that he is not acting in a caring or thoughtful way - but you have to be willing to use your head and common sense. Most often there is no need to go deeper or analyze your gut.

I get that but my gut was telling me something off.
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I get that but my gut was telling me something off.

 

Yes that is great in addition. My point is - don't just rely on your gut because that could be fear or something else - it's far more basic and if you're willing not to jump into insta relationship and use your head and common sense you can rely on both. And it's much easier and simpler to rely on surface stuff that has to do with common sense. Like if you meet a stranger who says something inappropriate -you know that - you know that before your "gut" knows that deeply so you can react right then. It's not always possible -some things are really subtle - so it takes awhile to know - but the more you can use your head and not just hormones the easier it will be.

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I wasn’t, but this guy knows exactky what to say to keep you hooked.

 

If it’s ‘leak guy’ no he doesn’t. Also many pointed out asking to be exclusive after 2 dates can be a huge red flag, you ignored it all including your ‘gut’ which as bat pointed out isn’t really your gut but common knowledge because you were desperate to have someone. Now comes the blame shifting phase, like I said one ex is a narcissist. Now this ones crazy too. When is gymgirl responsible?

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I wasn’t, but this guy knows exactky what to say to keep you hooked.

 

No he doesn't. Because that's for people who watch the lips instead of the feet. Watch what he does not what he says, and take things at a reasonable pace. You get to know someone over a long period of time - because it takes months to see what a person is like when sick, when he gets a promotion, when family or friends are in town, when it's a holiday or there's a huge storm, etc. so that way you watch his actions over time and see if the words and actions match. Words only get you hooked if you are a person who focuses on words only and reacts to words by getting involved and attached too quickly.

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It's only been a few months since your ex finally left after a big, dramatic struggle.

 

I think you are feeling a void. I think you wanted to believe this guy's words because it made you feel like you had found someone. His words soothed you. But as you see, trying too hard to force something never ends well.

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