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Thread: Dating for 2 months, he's starting to withdraw. What do I do?

  1. #1
    Member hpinky's Avatar
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    Dating for 2 months, he's starting to withdraw. What do I do?

    My current guy has started to withdraw. We met through online dating and talked for almost a month (about 3 weeks) before meeting up. He was the one who asked for exclusiveness and for me to be his girlfriend so at this point we are exclusive. I told him one night that I felt things are different and feel that he's withdrawn some. He said that he has withdrawn because he's thinking about some things.

    1. He feels that we moved too fast at the beginning and now he's logically thinking about things and he feels we need to slow down for the relationship to progress in a healthy manner. (Originally, I was the one telling him we were moving too fast!) He said that we talked to each other every single day for a month before meeting up and built such a deep connection that now when we do go on dates, we already know so much about each other that he doesn't know what to talk about so he wants to slow things down so that we can get to know each other better in person.
    2. He stated we live far (1 hour away from each other) and on top of that we don't have a place to just relax and hang out. I live with family and he lives with family. He said that it will be difficult for us in the future and he knows that he will get burned out eventually later on down the road.
    3. He said that I did certain things that reminded him of his ex and how she handled things. The way I addressed this issue with him is similar to his ex and he is afraid because that relationship did not work out and he doesn't want that to happen with us.

    In response to this I asked him how he felt about me. I asked if he felt the same of if he doesn't. He said he still has strong feelings for me, he is just really in his head right now and is just trying to process everything. He said that he is not used to this as he has never experienced this before. He has never experienced caring for someone so much this early on. He has never wanted to talk to someone on the phone so much as he did with me at the beginning. He is afraid that if he doesn't call me all the time later on in the relationship that I would be upset because he has set the bar so high already. He informed me that he isn't saying he doesn't want to be with me or that he wants to end things. He said he is just processing things. He told me he thinks I am a great person and that he wants to be with me. He just wants to control the pace so that we can progress the right way.

    I am trying to process what he is saying because I feel as though he is blocking the natural progression of our development. He texts me every day, if I wanted to call him, he will answer. But he does not initiate phone calls with me. His texts are just updates on his day, there doesn't seem to be a desire to want to continue to get to know me. He just texts to tell me what he is doing. He doesn't ask questions like, how is your day. This behavior is pushing me away. I want to give him space so he can process his thoughts, but he texts me so I don't know if I should just not respond to him. The conversations are just so bland to me that I don't even want to respond. I don't want to put more effort into things than he is putting in. If I were to just stop talking to him, I am worried that he will think I'm not interested and withdraw even further. I don't know the best course of action at this moment. When he was opened with me, I could connect with him. But now, he has closed up and I can't seem to progress in getting to know him.

  2. #2
    It seems like he really is not ready for a relationship right now... if his ex still comes up in conversation he is clearly still hung up on her. Also, he's not treating you very well, he seems to not care about you, to be honest. I've been in that situation countless times where I like a guy, he likes me then stops texting me first and I wonder what I did wrong. Every girl on the planet has. But the thing about men... they go AFTER what they want. If a guy really wants and likes you he'll make sure you know or he will reaaally act on it. It's just how the male specimen is, LOL. Unless he starts treating you like a priority, he's not worth all this stress over.

  3. #3
    Gold Member SGH's Avatar
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    Based on the information given, it sounds like this guy has struggled to meet basic needs of his partners over the long haul. It's easy to call and be engaged in a relationship during the honeymoon phase, but eventually the excitement dies down and what's left is two people committing to making time for one another. In my opinion, his words and actions are a huge red flag that he holds baggage from the past and is not prepared to be in a serious relationship. You shouldn't have to second guess yourself or feel anxious all of the time. Consider letting this one go. You deserve to be with someone who will keep putting forth effort without treating the relationship like a chore.

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    Super Moderator HeartGoesOn's Avatar
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    His choice of words, "just trying to process everything" is code for, it's not you- it's me, I need to find myself, etc. I'm sorry you're in this situation, but it appears he's already checked out.

    You can do better...

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    I think he's done, OP. He hasn't come right out and said it yet, but he's framing his thoughts that way and his behaviour is now reflecting that.

    He cited several reasons why he needed to "process" things: how fast you two moved, the distance, his ex. To me, this sounds like a guy who already knows he's lost interest but doesn't know which reason to give you to make it more palatable. When you need to take a step back after just a couple months to "process", well, it usually doesn't end happily.

    How long ago did he and his ex break up?

    EDIT: I just noticed you participated in a different thread, and yesterday you wrote this in response to another poster about getting back with an ex: "We're not back together. He literally gave me no space. He called me one day 32 times and sent me 54 text messages. I knew he was anxious but I couldn't process his emotions as I was dealing with my own. You really need to just focus on you, and let her do her. It's been about 3 to 4 weeks since our break up and I am still sorting out myself. I've even started talking to someone else to get my mind off things and it's made things worst."

    You broke up with someone 3 or 4 week ago, yet you've been in a relationship for the past 2 months with the guy you talk about here? Can you clarify the inconsistency?

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. It seems like a case of too much too soon and over-saturation in an attempt to build an insta-relationship rather than pacing yourself dating, which is the get-to-know-you phase. Unfortunately it seems he was on the rebound or is simply trying to find some sort of "it's me, not you" variation on ending things.

    He is trying to just let this fade without hurting you. Stop initiating and calls or texts. See what happens. Also he is not looking for a text or phone pal no one really is and that is not the "get to know you" process in person dating is.
    Originally Posted by hpinky
    1. He feels that we moved too fast at the beginning
    2. He stated we live far (1 hour away from each other) and on top of that we don't have a place to just relax and hang out.
    3. He said that I did certain things that reminded him of his ex
    he does not initiate phone calls with me.

  9. #8
    Silver Member Jellybean9's Avatar
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    So sorry to hear this.

    I have been there all is going smoothly then bam!

    It tends to happen at this sort of mark to be fair.

    The only thing I've never had someone reference to me reminding them of their ex! This is a massive red flag. I don't feel like space will change that.

    I do feel anyone who mentions an ex in that manner is hung up on them still. I'm really sorry that is appears that way with this guy. Could be wrong though.

    It's hard to know what is moving too fast and what isn't.

    I know sometimes when someone is moving fast and the other person references it. Can make that person take a step back and think "I am moving too fast and maybe this isn't right". Again you just will never know.

    In terms of the texting... It does fizzle out after a while especially when you've been texting and calling so much before.

    Think of when you meet an old friend and you litterally cab talk for hours and hours. Only reason that happens is because more than likely you don't text everyday!

    Sane applies with relationships, hold back with texting boring day events then you have things to talk about that evening. This is just my opinion but I'm not heavily reliant on texts. So don't listen to me if that's your thing.

    Best of luck with this.

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    Too many issues for only two months in. Especially if you remind him of his ex. Put a fork in this one, it's done. Move on to better things.

  11. #10
    Gold Member smackie9's Avatar
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    " He told me he thinks I am a great person and that he wants to be with me. He just wants to control the pace so that we can progress the right way".

    This says "I'm giving you this lame excuse to keep you around so I can still keep my options open and date other women".

    Look you barley know this guy...and for all we know he's blowing smoke up yer butt, to manipulate you. A lot of them are on those dating sites...they play the game quite well.

    Like I always say if it doesn't feel right, then it's not.

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