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Thread: Wearing Me Down - This Can't Be Normal?

  1. #1

    Wearing Me Down - This Can't Be Normal?

    Hi everyone,
    I'm in a bit of a transition stage in my life at the mo and to cut a long story short I've moved in with my mum for a few months while I get money together for a house deposit and find a decent place. We have always had a strained relationship but it has gotten better in recent years.

    When I was growing up she was very critical of me and made daily comments about how I looked, especially my weight. I have carried a bit extra for most if my life except for a couple of stages where I lost an extreme amount of weight in extreme ways. I have recently put some weight back on and now fall into the 'overweight category which has made me feel quite bad about myself but she is treating me as if I'm morbidly obese and is making me feel so disgusted with myself and ashamed of what I see when I look in the mirror.

    I feel myself losing confidence, which I worked so hard to build, and slipping back into old habits like buying diet pills, skipping meals, obsessing over exercise and taking heavy detox drinks etc. I feel so terrible about myself I genuinely feel like a teenager again.

    Every day these past few weeks she has made negative, nasty digs about how I've "let myself go" and "need to get back on track". I know it sounds silly but I just feel so low right now and every comment from her eats away at my self-esteem a little more. I know parents should challenge you to be your best self but she ignores everything except my appearance and I only ever hear negative words come from her mouth. This can't be right??

  2. #2
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    Well, I still get some zingers from my mom too, and they hurt. My mom has always been super critical and it's rubbed off on me (although I hold my tongue when it's about critiquing people. I'll stick to TV shows, movies and politics). I've learned to ignore them but it sounds like they're eating you up.

    You should try to ignore the insults, or laugh them off, or say, "I know, ma, I know." But if you can't, all you can do is hang on and get out as quickly as possible.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. These are all her issues, not yours. Tune her out. She's an angry broken women. Only angry broken people do this because it deflects from their own inner demons. Stay out of the house as much as possible.

    Take a part time job, go to the library, for a drive, the mall, a friends, anyplace, eat out, etc. Avoid food weight appearance dialogue. Casually leave the room. Do not talk to her about your life, feelings, etc. Sharks are drawn to blood. Do not act weak or hurt. Avoid her and consider getting out asap.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    My mother spent my life telling me how fat I was and looking down on me. Talk about making me feel inferior and lower than low. She was lucky to have good genes and was slim all her life, so she certainly didnt get it about what it felt like to be over weight. Even when I lost a lot of weight and looked normal for the first time in my life, she acted like she didnt notice! It was not possible to not notice.

    My advice to you is save every penny you can and get out of her house sooner than soon. You wont change her, she is what she is.

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  6. #5

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    The only opinion that matters is your own. You cannot control the shadows of others; it sounds to me like she is projecting HER insecurities and negative past experiences onto you. My best advice to you would be to get a journal and start to list all the things you like/love about yourself and then a list of things you would like to change and what those changes would look like. How would they make you feel? Are these YOUR goals for yourself or someone else's? Once you have narrowed your list down to ONLY your very own personal goals, start taking action! Every day do at least one thing to get you closer to YOUR goals. Self love is a brave endeavor, one that will raise you above the opinions of others. Beliefs become certainties and certainties become manifest...who do YOU want be, how do YOU wish to see yourself.
    In love and light
    The Nocturnal Mystic

  7. #6
    Gold Member thisisrichey's Avatar
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    definitely move out as soon as you can. $ is never worth your psyche and self-esteem and joy/happiness. $ can always be made - your happines and joy of life can not.
    $ is never worth it. move out. be happy. be joyful.

  8. #7
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    My mom was the exact same as yours, obsessed with weight - my weight! My skin, my clothes and everything else.

    I however went in the opposite directly and developed a very serious eating disorder that at times caused me to become almost too thin and unhealthy, but hell I was super thin so mom was happy!

    I still struggle sometimes.

    What I ended up doing was having a heart to heart with her and telling her while I know she means well and loves me (which I actually doubted at times but that's another thread), in order for us to get along, I would appreciate your toning down the negative criticisms of me, they're having a negative effect on me, and I want us to get along and be happy while I'm here, okay mom?

    Tell her you are trying to lose weight naturally and her criticisms are causing you to consider drastic measures that are unhealthy; thank her in advance for understanding.

    Then work hard and save money so you can move out as soon as conceivably possible!

    In short, stand up for yourself and communicate!

  9. #8
    My mom was the same way. I know exactly where you are. The thing is... no one can play on your emotions other than your mom and your significant other. This might seem hard but you need to put yourself first. Whether that means dropping contact with her all together or just taking breaks, she is clearly toxic for your mental well being. You deserve better and you know it. It's her life pain and struggles which she's taking out on you, which is NEVER fair for anyone much less a parent to do. Realize your self worth love <3

  10. #9
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    It makes no sense to move in with your mother at the expense of your mental and physical health.

    You've already established that she's not a good roommate for you to live with, so I'd find a boarding house, a cheap studio to rent or roommates--any other means of saving money in order to operate independently in the world and not drill yourself into a downward spiral over a lousy living dynamic with Mom.

  11. #10
    Thanks so much for the replies, I really appreciate the solid advice and supportive words. I know that I desperately need out and to be honest once I've moved out again I don't think we'll keep in contact. I snapped and said something to her earlier after she made yet another degrading comment and she actually apologised and saud she didn't mean anything by it. She's got a lot of issues that are beyond my help now I've realised in recent years and she is so toxic to my happiness I just feel so guilty for feeling this way cause she's my mum y'know?

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