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Thread: divorce?

  1. #1
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    divorce?

    i have been going for marriage counselling for almost 1 year. at least 6 times the counselor suggested that i consider a divorce.. i have stopped going because i know that counselling at this stage will not going to any fruitful...

    there is always going to be difference in a relationship... i think not every problem needs to be solved. but they definately need to be well-discussed!
    the problem that i have previously raise are just problem that need to be discussed. but the real issue in my marriage is that i cant talk about the problems. she will get defensive, she will want to explain her way is right, she will cry and block out.. she will go into a crazy "i want to commit suicide" mode...

    my wife is the friendliest person in the world, she is kind and nice and easy going with everyone... i dont know why we just cant get along, it is like we are repelling each other... from the moment i wake up in the morning, every single and little decision we make just continue to oppose each other. (it was not like that during dating.. ) from what i want to eat to what i want to wear and how i want to wear them.. she wants to tell me that i am wrong..

    sometimes i also wonder if she is listening when i am talking.. i can be telling her i have a headache and she ask me how is my tummy 20mins later..
    when we have a conversation she will also at times space out like her soul got transported into another dimension...

    very often she will tell me she will do something, and in the end did not keep to her promises.. she doesnt even remember saying that she will do them.. that is the strange part.. i asked her if her tailor alter men's shirt, she said she will ask her tailor, and she doesnt even remember having this conversation with me..

    or when she actually does something at home.. she doesnt complete the task. say if she wash the dishes and dry them at the rack, they could be on the rack for months.. last year the dishes where all over the kitchen countertop for 2 months until i cant stand it and keep the in the cabinet.

    why are all these concerns for me?? because i want to have children with her.. and all these do not give me faith to have kids with her...

    yes, i have been trashed in this forum in my previous post.. feel free to continue trashing...

    i am very tired... working on a relationship that shows no results.. dont get me wrong she is doing her best to make this relationship work too.. but we are focused on different issues.. its like we are trading in our own currency that are meaningless to the other party...

    maybe we are just too different.. i love her, i cherish her.. but nothing seems to working and i have no way to communicate to her in a way that she understands.. or if i can be sure that she is listening.. it is just too hard.. and i am wondering if i should get a divorce like the counselor suggested..

  2. #2
    Platinum Member happyfrank's Avatar
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    She doesn't sound fit to be a mother.

    If that's important to you. You should consider a divorce.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    Based on your other posts and what I am reading now, I can understand why your counselor suggested this. You do not seem willing to look at your own part in all of this... you are focused on her and what she is doing and what she needs to change... and anytime someone suggest that you do, you turn it back on her and what she should be doing to make you happy or what she is doing that annoys you.

    You get upset that she doesn't turn the light off, or that she didn't talk to her tailor, or that she didn't put dishes away.... maybe she doesn't want to be your housekeeper or personal assistant, maybe she is looking for a different type of connection with you and is upset that she isn't getting it. It's unfortunate that you are letting this stuff aggravate you to the point of wanting to get divorced but each to their own.

    The funny thing is that I had cousins with parents who were completely mismatched in terms of their housekeeping styles... some people have such strong values around it that it can indeed drive a wedge between them... they split up and are now with partners that are totally compatible with their styles, and each one is much happier.

    As for the committing suicide thing... while it's definitely not something to take lightly, she may just be so completely frustrated and done with the fighting and criticism that she wants an escape from the relationship. However if you believe she is serious, getting her some help is in order.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    I dont see this working long term for you as you two are both so different and she is confrontational. You may want to consider a divorce.

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  6. #5
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    Well, I think your counselor brings up divorce because there is something seriously wrong with your wife. This is not the way normal people act.

    She is certainly emotionally abusive from what you describe. But forgetting what she was doing, being transported to another dimension. It sounds like she's having breaks with reality. You're talking about trying to fix your relationship, trying to communicate with her, but if she is suffering from a mental illness, this is not something that you can fix.

    And wanting to have kids with someone who can't even do the dishes is cruel and abusive. I think you're in denial about the situation at home. You need to get her evaluated by a doctor. She may have ADHD, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, borderline personality disorder ... something! Either that or you're making all of this up. It's all in your head.

    As for the other things you talked about, you've got to step up. If you don't want the dishes left in the strainer, then put them away yourself. If you want your shirt tailored, bring it to the tailor yourself. Why are you asking someone who can't function well to do these tasks that you yourself are capable of doing? You need to be a man and step up. And you need to get help for your wife. Something has obviously happened to her, and you've got to realize it.

    I hope you get either her or yourself help.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Does she ever tell you she thinks you're "abusive"?

  8. #7
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Really? She checks up on how you're feeling and you get in a tiff because she confuses your headache for a stomach ache? Between that and the light switch debacle, I don't even know.

    And that's not saying I think this woman sounds like a Georgia peach. There's plenty of her behaviors you've written that would rustle my jimmies over time. But even the tone of what you're taking the time and thought to write has been amazingly condescending toward her, and consistently so. Your wife for sure seems like a flawed woman, but as far as I can tell, you absolutely refuse to accept any of them. Marriage is about complementing your partner, and that often means one of you will be more adept at things the other is inept with. You can pitch a fit over your partner forgetting to shut off a light before you leave or you can recognize you're the one who innately gives more of a damn and do the 30 second tour of the house yourself before leaving. If I sh*t a brick every time I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find the BBQ mop my wife put away, we'd have divorced week one.

    Now the issue becomes when they don't have any reciprocal strengths to benefit you as yours do her. Or if the strengths she does have are those which you can't appreciate. I put the dishes away because it matters more to me where they're placed. Her strengths play elsewhere to the relationship and household. Whether you're being fair to your wife or not, your marriage doesn't seem to have that. Doesn't sound like there was ever a golden age to your marriage and now counseling seems to be failing. There being no kids in the picture, I'm not seeing even a bad excuse to drag it out.

  9. #8
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    Sounds exactly like my coworker's mom who had a stroke a few months ago, and didn't even know. It went on untreated for so long, she is pretty messed up.

    But the dishes - why didn't you just put them away the next day? She's not your housekeeper. And Google will tell you who can tailor a shirt. I know you are using then as test of the love your wife has for you, but these are pretty dumb tests if she's the most unorganized person, mentally ill, or had an undiagnosed stroke.

  10. #9
    Gold Member thisisrichey's Avatar
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    if the counselor has said it many times - i'd definitely consider it (they don't suggest that loosely as it takes away from their revenues for you to divorce instead of get counseling).
    you yourself have said that you stopped marriage counseling because "you don't think it will help" (aka your wife is beyond wanting to resolve/repair this and do her part).
    Lastly, when you're dealing with somebody who is "always right" and "never at fault" - that's their self-admission they dont' feel they need to change a THING.

    I think in the end, what you want is to "have children" - not "have children with her". She just so happens to be the one you're SUPPOSED to hav children with b/c you are married. But what if you weren't married - is she still the person you want to be the mother of your childreen? I don't think so.

    Time to divorce and give yourself a better shot at being happier, and having a happier and healthier FAMILY - instead of knowingly settling for her and an unhealthy family with her.

    Good luck.

  11. #10
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    She may have ADHD, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, borderline personality disorder
    of course she has cos these are all the same ... I am surprised the medical proffession ever manage to spot these conditions ...thanks for straightening that one out ...we can just say they are all one now ...yay

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