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Thread: divorce?

  1. #21
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    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~
    My son has Autistic as well and needs a break down of instruction. My husband is severely ADHD and has a very technical and busy career. When at home he would forget his azz if it wasn’t glue on. Doesn’t mean they are “ mental” . It means they need accommodations and understanding.
    Please, I meant no harm is calling it "Mental". When I read your message, I should have used the word "disorder". Perhaps that's what is going on with her. I haven't read OP's original threads but something about their relationship is off, whether it's him, her or a combination of both. I am still of the belief that they should try couples therapy. I find myself wondering why the therapist keeps suggesting a divorce. Hmmm.

  2. #22
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    Originally Posted by goddess
    Please, I meant no harm is calling it "Mental". When I read your message, I should have used the word "disorder". Perhaps that's what is going on with her. I haven't read OP's original threads but something about their relationship is off, whether it's him, her or a combination of both. I am still of the belief that they should try couples therapy. I find myself wondering why the therapist keeps suggesting a divorce. Hmmm.
    You mean to say different neurology.

  3. #23
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    You're trying to conform her to what you think marriage should be.
    Even though you always fail you keep trying polish your routine and fail again.

    "...but the real issue in my marriage is that i cant talk about the problems."

    Stop talking (so much), and start listening to her.
    Really listening.
    When she finishes talking, rub your chin and say "I'll think about that/it. Then SHUT UP and really think about what she is saying.


    Btw, Your counselor is an idiot.

  4. #24
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    its like we are trading in our own currency that are meaningless to the other party...
    Then why not start trading in currency that IS of value? Ask wife to come up with a bribe list of valuable things she wants from you along with another list of things she wishes you would stop doing. Make the same list to give to her. Use this list to negotiate trades that are of actual value to each of you.

    Ask wife to pick a time of the week where you both can discuss your week. It can be used to vent about work or life outside the home as well as discussing specific gripes in your household life. You each take turns at 10 minutes of uninterrupted talk time. You can both have a second or third turn to address the other's discussion, but instead of interrupting the other, you'll need to write down the topics you'll want to address as they occur.

    Consider carefully some topics that do NOT need a defense. Picking your battles is a skill. One reason for uninterrupted time is to allow the other to feel heard--and sometimes that's enough. Not everything needs an answer.

    At the end, negotiate trades of things you each want from the other for that week. If it's to stop doing something, the other agrees to pay 20 buck on the spot if they do the thing they agreed to not do.

    This weekly practice provides space to avoid arguments during the week, so if either tries to 'parent' the other, no defense is necessary. You can offer to discuss it if if the complaint still matters on Thursday during your gripe session.

    Use care to model the kind of behavior you want from wife. It makes no sense to ask of her anything you won't do yourself.

    If this counselor isn't working for you, consider hiring a new one to learn whether that can help.

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  6. #25
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    Originally Posted by Lester
    You're trying to conform her to what you think marriage should be.
    Even though you always fail you keep trying polish your routine and fail again.

    "...but the real issue in my marriage is that i cant talk about the problems."

    Stop talking (so much), and start listening to her.
    Really listening.
    When she finishes talking, rub your chin and say "I'll think about that/it. Then SHUT UP and really think about what she is saying.


    Btw, Your counselor is an idiot.
    Did you finish reading the rest of his sentence? "but the real issue in my marriage is that i cant talk about the problems. she will get defensive, she will want to explain her way is right, she will cry and block out.. she will go into a crazy "i want to commit suicide" mode..."


    If he tries to discuss any of the problems with her, she becomes defensive, wants to explain her way is right, etc. Have you any idea how annoying and frustrating that is when he is attempting to talk about issues/problems and she behaves in these ridiculous ways? I know I understand. Whenever I attempted to explain something to my STBX, his response was "I don't want to hear it." So, how will they ever have a conversation regarding their problems when his wife is exhibiting all these unproductive behaviours? She's not willing to budge and believe that she's always right or, if she realises that she's in the wrong, she cries, etc.

  7. #26
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Originally Posted by goddess
    Did you finish reading the rest of his sentence? "but the real issue in my marriage is that i cant talk about the problems. she will get defensive, she will want to explain her way is right, she will cry and block out.. she will go into a crazy "i want to commit suicide" mode..."


    If he tries to discuss any of the problems with her, she becomes defensive, wants to explain her way is right, etc. Have you any idea how annoying and frustrating that is when he is attempting to talk about issues/problems and she behaves in these ridiculous ways? I know I understand. Whenever I attempted to explain something to my STBX, his response was "I don't want to hear it." So, how will they ever have a conversation regarding their problems when his wife is exhibiting all these unproductive behaviours? She's not willing to budge and believe that she's always right or, if she realises that she's in the wrong, she cries, etc.
    Yes , but however he reamed her endlessly about a light she left on that cost all of .50. I wouldn’t want to listen either.

  8. #27
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    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~
    Yes , but however he reamed her endlessly about a light she left on that cost all of .50. I wouldn’t want to listen either.
    True. They both have some issues. They would probably benefit from couples therapy. That way, they would both be able to verbalise their issues in a neutral environment. When the STBX and I went to counselling years ago, STBX started to interrupt me often as I spoke and the therapist would ask him to stop. Hope they work it out.

  9. #28
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    thanks for all your replies...

    you know how is it like to live with someone who rather go into 'war' with you than to admit that 'hey like i did that'.. after we got married, i have never heard her say 'ya, i did that'.. never.. but instead she explains why she did was right.. i cant comprehend why being right is so much more impt... even point that out, she explains to me that it so not wrong... after that, she will cry and throws a fit... not talk for a few days... and decided that she will cook soup and pretend that nothing has happened... if i dont drink the soup for whatever reason like i am still full, she will throw another fit... i told my counselor that i felt like i am being 'controlled' by her fits.. and i told counselor that i cant let her behave badly like that all the time and not have consequences. i cant let somethings like that slide... if i keep letting that slide i am actually conditioning or encouraging her to control me with temper fits... the counselor agreed with me and asked me to tell her 'i am not going to deal with your emotional outburst, you deal with your emotions then later we can talk' whenever she goes into fits.. and i did... but we never could revisit and talk about what happen... if we did... she will go into another fit... its like a no-end loop... and one day, counselor said that maybe when i decided to leave and she would 'wake up' but also sometimes people dont 'wakeup'...
    that is when i realize that even professional counselling thinks there is no hope...

    you know why is it impt for me that she admits the things she do? because it keeps happening over and over.. and maybe just maybe if she could admit that, 'hey, i did that and it hurts you. i am sorry, i didnt mean to hurt you and i never would want to hurt you'.. just maybe if she could do that, i can believe that she actually cared and know how and why she did what she did and how it affected me... for now, i dont know what it is, maybe her pride, her ego, her fragile self image, or whatever it is.. she will never admit that i am actually hurting and she was a part of it... she will just explain that she is not wrong.. or she is just innocent... my counselor said that maybe she is the youngest in the family, always been the jewel.. she has a need to be the 'angel' and if that perception is challenged she as a whole will collapse as a being... either i have to accept that, or i have to leave.. i tried to accept that for a few months.. but as long as i bring up something that she did that affects me... we are back in this cycle... now i am just not sure if i can do this forever...

  10. #29
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    Why not get divorced and stop hurting each other?

  11. #30
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    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~
    Why not get divorced and stop hurting each other?
    Like I said Because she threatens to sucide,

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