What Do I Make Of This?

Sorry for the length. I just got out of a 4 year relationship, and a girl I'm seeing just got out of a year long. We work together, and there was always flirty nature, but since we are both single we have become intimate. We've been seeing each-other for about 3 months now.

Our entire work essentially knows, but yet we technically keep it on the down-low and don't really admit to being more than friends. Here is the thing, we basically hang out everyday. I go over to her house pretty much every-night and stay the night, we have sex A LOT, she is very into it. A lot of me thinks that is why she wants me around is because I satisfy her so much in bed, her words not mine. She didn't say that's why, but she has been very honest about how good the sex is for her. She is insanely beautiful and sexy, but she is a little nut-so sometimes.

Things were rough for a bit, and it seemed like she was only into me for a rebound or sex, which I was honestly ok with if we were just both honest. She got mad at any notion of that, and got mad at me calling it essentially Friends with Benefits. She sends me pictures on snapchat almost everyday, sometimes sexual. She wants to go on romantic getaways and dinners and trips all the time. She has a lot of money and she spends quite a bit on me. She pays for most of this stuff, a lot of times refusing to let me pay because "IT was her idea" or "She invited me". She even has been trying to get me to "run away with her and move to Phoenix" which I have no plans of doing because things are way too unstable to chase after this girl.

It is 100% legit like we are boyfriend and girlfriend.... except we aren't, that's been made clear. We are exclusive but not in a full on relationship I guess. In fact, in a deep discussion this week she admitted that she does not ever see us being more than this. I told her ok, then she needs to understand that eventually I am going to break things off because I will eventually want a woman to marry, have kids etc, and if she knows already that I am not that for her, then it will have to end sometime. She says she understands, but she just basically feels like what we are could go on for a long time. I still have my doubts, I mean what does she expect us to keep this semi-secret love affair going for years? I have no issues with it now, but I know I won't want that forever.

On the other hand, she admittedly loves my personality, almost everything about me, she says sexually it is so good that it makes her question if she loves me. BUT, she has this little tough mantra/wall she likes to put up where she doesn't like to look or sound vulnerable.

On one hand I am taking her at her word, she says she doesn't see me as someone she can be with long-term. On the other, she does sooooo much stuff and says soooo much stuff that seems like inside, behind her walls, she very much sees that. i/ told her that eventually even if that is the case, I'm not sticking around forever on the hopes she sees me as more eventually.

This girl admits she's a little crazy, she got married at 21 and divorced at 24. She spends literally all her time with me either at work or outside it, so I can honestly say I don't think she is really seeing anyone else.

So my reasons for thinking maybe she Does see me as a potential longterm: She treats me like it, she treats me like a damn king, she wants to spend money of me, she wants to travel with me, she wants to buy me stuff, I've met her father, I've stayed over at her parents with her countless times. She talks and acts like she is almost in love with me. She certainly has been jaded by love, and I just can't but wonder if perhaps she is soooo terrified I will leave her someday that she is putting up her wall and saying this for fear of rejection herself. She made a comment once about how she is not used to someone like me, I am edgy and challenging (in a good way) etc etc. She also admits she is very intimidated by me sexually.

Reasons for thinking she is being honest: Well she said it, clearly, and not just in the moment, she reconfirmed it again days later in conversation. It did seem like she wasn't so sure, sort of like agreeing with what I said type things, but nonetheless it's true. She already has been married once and engaged to someone else different once as well. She seems like a runner, like the kind who gets scared or bored and runs off to somewhere else.

It's so weird. Thoughts? Her words and her actions don't really line up.... Is it possible she really does like me far more than she ever expected and it scares her, or she is afraid of me eventually leaving her (she is used to men who literally are obsessed with her and she has them at every wim) OR should I just realize she has made it pretty clear, at least verbally anyhow, by saying she sees this as something that will never go into committed relationship/long term see seriousness.

I honestly think you’re wasting each other’s time. You don’t see future potential with her and she doesn’t see it with you. Like you said, do you really want this to drag on for years? I mean if you’re content being friends with benefits because that’s what it sounds like or a fling, then stay with her.

I just think you came here for advice because you want more with someone different.

I honestly think you’re wasting each other’s time. You don’t see future potential with her and she doesn’t see it with you. Like you said, do you really want this to drag on for years? I mean if you’re content being friends with benefits because that’s what it sounds like or a fling, then stay with her.

 

I just think you came here for advice because you want more with someone different.

I wouldn't really consider it time wasted since we have both been honest about it. We seriously enjoy each-other company, like a ton. I am with her every night almost in some capacity, so even one or two nights away feels like an eternity for us both. I definitely see the potential in her, but I am just not sure if it's ever going to come to fruition, and she claims to not see it in me.

Drag on for years? Oh goodness no, we both have agreed that if we feel it's getting stale, or if we are feeling too strong, we will end it. It just seems so much like things have changed from her. Before I felt like just an option, someone of a fling, to pass time... and now it seems as if I have become her infatuation/serious lust, maybe even love.

I came here to see if people think she is being 100% honest, or if her actions aren't really measuring up with her words. It's a lot harder to see from my perspective than it is for someone unbiased who can look at it and assess what they think is the reality.

I was kind of hoping to hear someone think that she very well might be shorting it and does really see me as a long-term lover, but I only want to hear that if that's an honest assessment not just bc it;s something I want to hear.

Honestly though, I won't let this last if I start to feel too attached or start to feel love. I don't feel super attached yet nor do I feel like I love her, but if I am starting to feel this way then I am going to be done with it.

I just don't understand why she got so mad when I suggest maybe I am just a rebound/fling, or FWB of hers after her year long relationship...

You're three months into a relationship and you're worried about whether it's going to be a long-term relationship? What's the matter with you? You're getting way too ahead of yourself. Just enjoy the relationship. Stop talking about long-term plans and viewpoints on relationships and so on! You're ruining things.

Look, she's about 25 and you're probably around the same age. You're still too young to get married. And she's already been married and she's still burnt by the experience. Just go with the flow, Joe! Have as much fun as you can! Travel! Go out to eat! Have as much sex as possible! Experience life! Stop being a Debbie Downer! You're still in the honeymoon phase of the relationship. Try to make it last as long as you can.

When you make it to your one-year anniversary, then re-evaluate the relationship. See what's happened. By that time, you both may have fallen in love with each other and you may want to get engaged. Or the fun might have stopped. Or the relationship has achieved a nice balance. But stop overthinking about it. You will remember this relationship for the rest of your life. Make some great memories!

So stop talking and keep having fun! See how it goes!

Pretty classic scenario, this.

It sounds like both of you are used to attention from the opposite sex, don't go long without being in some version of a relationship, and are used to the other person being not only the expressive one, but the serious one who presses the "relationship" button.

I mean, you're pointing out all of her inconstancies, but are they different than yours? You have an agreement to stop it if (a) it gets stale or (b) feelings get too strong? An agreement, in other words, that is built only for shallow fun.

Which, hey, all good. If, well, it's all good.

To my ears, it just sounds like both of you are a little addicted to romance. You're fishing for something when you the dangle the this-can't-go-on-forever stuff, but know that doesn't ring with any conviction when you're having sex with someone every day.

If YOU want more, from her, tell her. If you are unsure, keep doing what you're doing. If what you're doing is starting to get a little stale and shallow—which I think it is, at least for you—then own that.

Does she make a lot more than you? Are you in a much more menial position than her? Are you from the "poor side of town"? Why are you acting like a gigolo?

You seem to enjoy bragging about treating her like trash, why is that?

Do you have your own place? Why are you always staying at her place or her parents place? Do you live with your parents or roommates?

It seems you have no respect for her and also quite a grandiose sense of self-importance and entitlement. So your theory that this is just a flash in the pan for her while she sorts herself out and until she comes to her senses seems accurate.

We work together.

-I go over to her house pretty much every-night and stay the night. I've stayed over at her parents with her countless times.

-me calling it essentially Friends with Benefits.we are boyfriend and girlfriend.... except we aren't, that's been made clear.

-She has a lot of money and she spends quite a bit on me.

-I told her ok, then she needs to understand that eventually I am going to break things off because I will eventually want a woman to marry, have kids etc - I -am edgy and challenging. She also admits she is very intimidated by me sexually..

Pretty classic scenario, this.

 

It sounds like both of you are used to attention from the opposite sex, don't go long without being in some version of a relationship, and are used to the other person being not only the expressive one, but the serious one who presses the "relationship" button.

 

I mean, you're pointing out all of her inconstancies, but are they different than yours? You have an agreement to stop it if (a) it gets stale or (b) feelings get too strong? An agreement, in other words, that is built only for shallow fun.

 

Which, hey, all good. If, well, it's all good.

 

To my ears, it just sounds like both of you are a little addicted to romance. You're fishing for something when you the dangle the this-can't-go-on-forever stuff, but know that doesn't ring with any conviction when you're having sex with someone every day.

 

If YOU want more, from her, tell her. If you are unsure, keep doing what you're doing. If what you're doing is starting to get a little stale and shallow—which I think it is, at least for you—then own that.

I mean I have been pretty consistent. I told her from early on I have no specific expectations, I am just going with the flow and seeing where it leads us. She seemed to be in agreement with that, but then recently in a deep discussion admitted she doesn't see us more than this. She then sort of hinted at "How Could I leave my gf of 4 years when we seemed so happy before" and it sort of came off as she plans to hold that against me, when it had nothing to do with her. Which I find ironic since she left her husband before...

I don't think things are stale or shallow at all yet. I can't get enough of this girl, and she seems to be right there with me. I guess for me though there is a difference between not knowing where it is going and being open, to knowing what this will only be and being closed-minded on more.

Does she make a lot more than you? Are you in a much more menial position than her? Are you from the "poor side of town"? Why are you acting like a gigolo?

You seem to enjoy bragging about treating her like trash, why is that?

Do you have your own place? Why are you always staying at her place or her parents place? Do you live with your parents or roommates?

It seems you have no respect for her and also quite a grandiose sense of self-importance and entitlement. So your theory that this is just a flash in the pan for her while she sorts herself out and until she comes to her senses seems accurate.

Huh?

She has a lot of money because of the split of her house from her marriage when they sold it.

Currently we both live with our parents.

When on earth have I bragged about treating her like trash? Where do you come up with this kind of stuff? I only was honest and told her IF she knows for sure that she will never see me as some serious dating/semi-boyfriend, and nothing more, eventually this will cease to exist because I KNOW I want kids and marriage someday. How on earth is that mean of me to be honest and tell her the truth of what I want?

SMH

I guess for me though there is a difference between not knowing where it is going and being open, to knowing what this will only be and being closed-minded on more.

Yup, there is a difference, and for the moment she has clearly told you what side of that divide she is on. She is closed-off to that. You are not.

So, what to do? You can reach for comfort in where her actions differ from those words, hanging out, in bed, whatever. You can find comfort in that she says things that are emotional, that hint at an openness to come. And there may be something more than an illusion there—maybe.

But I'd say you want to be honest, with yourself, about the fact that you are more open to something that she is closed off it. That's a vulnerable place, and vulnerability is okay.

Maybe she opens up, maybe not. Make no mistake: right now she is finding comfort in the fact that this can't really go anywhere. That, great as the sex is, cool as you are, she likes the idea that you are not relationship material.

The tricky thing there, of course, is that you are already in a relationship, regardless of what you guys call it or don't. A relationship built on the foundation of not being a real relationship—well, the more time you spend together doing the things that created that dynamic, the deeper that foundation gets. Instead of evolving, it hardens. And then, eventually, it cracks.

If you find yourself closing up—mirroring her, in other words, to stay on her plane at the expense of your own—well, then I'd really take a look at what's going on, where it may not be serving you, where you're getting but a fraction of what you want, becoming attached to something that is holding you back, and reinforcing something you'd rather see evolve.

It seems as if her actions and words are exactly in line. Perhaps not to your liking however...

...and that's one of the many many problems with basing action on mostly Emotion, especially when it comes to trying to lay out a real plan about one's future. Right now you do sound like a rebound. Absolutely. Right now it also makes sense why she would question herself being with you long term, as well as why she would be quick to pay for places she's "invited you to" rather than taking a perspective of a serious relationship and discussing dutch, or I pay this date, you pay next, etc. Perhaps because she doesn't want any guilt if you were to spend what money you do have on her should things not work out.

I'd read, then re-read... and the next day as well as this weekend read what DanZee wrote. It's probably the most straight forward, light-hearted, kick-in-the-gut type of mentality you would want/need in this type of situation. What it takes to show her you *are* the one for her in the future, you do not have. At least not yet. You two would be "more official" if you did. There's certain underlying things a woman goes back and forth with herself about when it comes to deciding if he's "the one" or not. I'd imagine she's doing the same. Unfortunately it's not always your typical "do I see a future or having kids with this person" kind of questions either. With that, expect this week to be awesome and all feels right in the world, but next week certain things to be said (or done) that would contradict this awesome week. It's seemingly the nature of your relationship and why you would want to take a real "go-with-the-flow" type of attitude, if that's truly what you want.

Ultimately imagine that she's waiting for something... Something to click. That something either being someone better, or some event in the two of your lives that just makes sense. You can't make these things up, nor can you force it in a relationship without great risk of making everything worse. This is why you ask yourself if you're really down to "go with the flow." And be adult about it. It's nice you know what you want eventually in life, but if you know you're not ready now, nor do you want to push it on to her, then let it go. Asking or bringing up early into a relationship with an already established premise starts to take things in another direction; often one neither of you wanted, ultimately leading to break up. You've said your peace, she's said hers. Go with the flow until either of you have established your desire to move things further, either by breaking up and moving on to find what you do want, or moving the relationship forward to the next stage. If that "timeframe" is 3 months into a relationship for you, then so be it. Sit her down and talk with her preparing to take action on your own word and move on if she disagrees. Otherwise, again, read what DanZee has said, and let go of things and truly go with the flow.

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