Engaged after just 5 months?

- long story short my ex freaked out after my mum died, left me and then found someone else a week later, lead me on for probably 4-5 months staying in contact saying he had feelings for me still etc

 

I recently cut off contact as seeing his social media and hearing him telling me how happy he was with this new person was stopping me moving on

 

He then tells me he’s engaged to her now...

 

After just a couple of months with me he’s telling me he loves me, wanted me to move in with him (I said no as I felt it was too soon), introduced me to his two kids after 3 months (as I resisted for that long again as I felt it was v soon!) and now he’s engaged after 5 months after our breakup to someone who already has a child to someone too...and he was divorced when I met him!

 

Hard to get my head around how he can fall in and out of love so readily, jump from person to person without a care etc and find happiness so quickly. It just seems bizarre and quite selfish on his children who I cared for so much too.

 

I’m still finding it hard to move on, not because I still have feelings (now I don’t) , but the hurt of his timing and his behaviour has affected me so badly I’m struggling to see even the most pleasant of men in a good way and to let anyone in :(

 

Will I ever be able to get over how he treated me? How I can mean so much to someone, then so little in an instant? How I can be replaced so instantaneously? Will I trust again?

 

I’m feeling quite lost and like I won’t get “me” back again lately but I don’t want this man to ruin my future too

How I can mean so much to someone

I'm sorry to point this out because I know you're self-esteem has taken a hit but you really didn't "mean so much" to him if he can turn it off an on like he has. Don't take that as a slight on you though. He's clearly got some deep problems that he's trying to work through by love bombing woman like he does.

 

If you're unable to put this in perspective then don't hesitate to seek out therapy to help you understand why, when you knew it was "TOO SOON" to be getting into any of the stuff he got you into... why you did it anyway.

 

Time to forgive yourself for not running away from the red flag that his pushing things too quickly was and get on with your life without him. He's her problem now.

I want to add that you need to block and delete him from all means of contact and to stop creeping any of his social media. End this and get on with cold turkey withdrawl so that you can rehab from him for good.

I’m not quite following how the speed of him has anything to do with you. I mean logically speaking you two were dating you broke up and now he’s dating someone else making it none of your concern.

 

I’m not trying to be cold, simply pointing out your ego may be bruised or you actually do want him back.

 

Either way, be gentle with yourself, that means be honest with yourself and allow yourself to feel all the emotions you’re going through.

 

I could respond to your post saying he’s a jerk and he must be crazy for marrying her after 5 months but I don’t know that man from a stranger on the street, but you’re here and you can speak for yourself and I can say to you if you’re leaving yourself vulnerable to men love bombing you, you may need to take a dating break to recognize red flags, don’t understand how it’s ok when it’s done to you but crazy when done to other women, he’s going to continue to be who he is. Does it sound healthy for him to be doing all this? Nope, so look at it as an incompatibility, any deeper analysis will leave you with a gaping wound.

 

...don’t understand how it’s ok when it’s done to you but crazy when done to other women, he’s going to continue to be who he is.

 

That is a super great point fio, the whole post but this specifically. I tried to give you a rep point for it but system wouldn't let me.

This happens all the time. You were a rebound between relationships. Sorry. And then he has to ask the next girl to marry him to hang onto her. You shouldn't even worry about him. He's a jerk, especially to abandon you after you lost your mother. This is not someone you can depend on. Maybe he wasn't getting enough sex and he decided to move on.

I didn’t “do it anyway” - I didn’t move in with him and I put the brakes on re meeting his children.

I knew he was trying to move things quickly with me, I was the one holding back but I did meet him at a time in my life when I was vulnerable I guess as I’d been caring for my mum whilst she was dying

 

Didn’t expect to meet someone who’d hurt me like that though. I don’t think I asked for it which it feels like ur all saying!

Sorry to hear this. Do you have close friends and other family nearby you could visit or talk to? Have you sought out some bereavement counseling? Or a therapist to unpack all this and help you sort things out?

 

Focus on that, not some shallow guy who was in and out of your life within a few months. This isn't about him or that he moved on.

 

Hopefully you have finally deleted and blocked him and all his people from all your messaging apps and social media. Focus on your own healing.

09-29-2018:

 

I received a message from him- saying he meant it to mean he was thanking me for understanding his situation (being with someone else) and that it wasn’t that he wanted me to “go away”

I didn’t “do it anyway” - I didn’t move in with him and I put the brakes on re meeting his children.

You said this:

introduced me to his two kids after 3 months (as I resisted for that long again as I felt it was v soon!)

That is what I was basing my "do it anyway" comment on. Three months is too soon to be meeting anyone's children and you did know that but you relented anyway. I'm sorry if you felt my comment(s) made you feel as if you "deserved" what he gave you. No one deserves to be made to feel the way you feel right now but you can't just coast on being a victim. If you don't look within and figure out why you didn't maintain your boundaries with him, you'll take even longer to heal so best to let go of hanging onto feeling the victim and strive to look at things more logically.

 

He is a fickle piece of fluff that latches onto anyone who has the lack of common sense to just fall into his over-the-top agenda. This woman doesn't even know who he really is and nor did you, really. He could be a massive abuser for all either of you know. You at least had the good sense to refrain from moving in during the honeymoon period which says a lot for you. Be glad he's gone because there is defo something missing in him to be the monkey branch relationship jumper that he is.

 

Feel better soon. Blocking and deleting him and no longer following his social media sites to see what he is up to will help you to do just that.

I feel I was nothing but a rebound to him... but then to get with someone else just a week later and be engaged so quickly... another rebound?! Feel like I got caught up in some guys mental relationship cycle I dunno, maybe he’s still messed up after his divorce

Can somebody explain love bombing? I’ve not heard this before and a few people have said this?

Who is talking to you about it? Have they told you what they meant by it with regard to your specific situation? Have you googled it?

Can somebody explain love bombing? I’ve not heard this before and a few people have said this?

In this thread a few ppl mentioned it

Can somebody explain love bombing? I’ve not heard this before and a few people have said this?

 

Google it... you'll get lots of explanation on it.

In this thread a few ppl mentioned it

 

Oh gosh, please dont google it. The risk of you going down the path of "Hes a narcissist victimhood" would suck you right in, Im not saying that insultingly its just where your mindset it right now.

 

How Love Bombing Works

 

Love bombing is an attempt to influence another person with over-the-top displays of attention and affection. We’re not just talking about romantic gestures, like flowers and trips. Love bombing invariably includes lots of romantic conversation, long talks about “our future,” and long periods of staring into each other’s eyes. It’s the combination of words and deeds that makes love bombing so powerful, especially considering today’s technology. The ability to call, text, email, or connect on social media 24/7 makes it easier to be in constant contact with the object of one’s affection than ever before.

 

Love bombing works because humans have a natural need to feel good about who we are, and often we can’t fill this need on our own. Sometimes the reason is situational, brought on by an event, like divorce or job loss. Other times, it’s more constant and traces back to our childhood. Whatever the source, love bombers are experts at detecting low self-esteem, and exploiting it.

 

The paradox of love bombing is that people who use it aren’t always seeking targets that broadcast insecurity for all to see. On the contrary, the love bomber is also insecure, so to boost their ego, the target must at least seem like a great “catch.” Maybe she’s the beautiful woman, who’s lonely because her beauty intimidates people, or he’s the guy with the great career whose wife left him for his best friend, or she’s the hard-nosed businesswoman, who’s avoided marriage and motherhood because her childhood was so traumatic.

 

On paper, these folks are attractive, but something makes them doubt their own value. Along comes the love bomber to shower them with affection and attention. The dopamine rush of the new romance is vastly more powerful than it would be if the target had a healthy self-image, because the love bomber fills a need the target can’t fill on her own.

 

....

 

This is not to say that idealization by itself is unhealthy in romantic relationships. Over time, all couples can grow to think of each other in these ways, but the key is “over time.” No matter how perfect the connection, how great the sex, or the seemingly endless list of mutual interests, you can’t get to really know someone in less than six months. That’s why “love at first sight” is often a recipe for disaster.

 

Heres a good blurb about it.

 

Youre gonna be ok, OPer your first step , to me, needs to be to stop worrying about what hes doing and why. Focus on why you allowed him to do what he did. Work on your boundaries and stcking to them, theres no excuse that makes allowing someone to cross your boundaries ok. You have all the proof of that in this situation, you keep saying I didnt want to, but he did this, this and that,unless he offered you 10 million dollars, its excuses. YOU are responsible for protecting you. Hes wrong, but he is who he is, you cant control him, but you can control you.

Oh gosh, please dont google it. The risk of you going down the path of "Hes a narcissist victimhood" would suck you right in, Im not saying that insultingly its just where your mindset it right now.

Haha! That's a rather 'hysterical' assumption.

 

 

 

Here's a good explanation about it:

 

https://www.mydomaine.com/what-is-love-bombing

 

 

 

However:

Youre gonna be ok, OPer your first step , to me, needs to be to stop worrying about what hes doing and why. Focus on why you allowed him to do what he did. Work on your boundaries and stcking to them, theres no excuse that makes allowing someone to cross your boundaries ok. You have all the proof of that in this situation, you keep saying I didnt want to, but he did this, this and that,unless he offered you 10 million dollars, its excuses. YOU are responsible for protecting you. Hes wrong, but he is who he is, you cant control him, but you can control you.

Yep, I agree!