Am I just being paranoid?

My boyfriend and I have been dating for a little over 5 months at this point. We're both middle aged adults with history. Currently, our relationship is long distance - he lives in the LA area, I live in the San Francisco area. Much of our relationship is carried on via texting, but we still see each other as often as we can. I trust him, and for the most part we seem to get along pretty well.

My biggest "issue" if you will is his female best friend. She does not live near him (she's actually up where he used to live in Seattle). He's never hidden that she is his best friend, and the way he talks about her I'm fairly confident that he sees her as a friend only. Shoot, he left that area (and her) for the last gal he dated (who I happen to know).

I do believe, however, that she has feelings for him, and I'm not sure that she couldn't convince him that he should feel similarly. I also have the impression that he has not shared that we are dating or that he's even in a relationship with someone (even if he didn't name names).

The things I see that bother me include the following. You can let me know if I'm just being paranoid, or if it's worth bringing up my feelings on her and their relationship:

1. She has, since we have dated, changed her FB profile to a picture of the two of them on more than one occasion, just doing so again today. I am FB friends with her, but have never met her, and I'm pretty sure she has no idea I'm dating her BFF.
   
2. She is very single, and as far as I know, has been since before he left the area.
   
3. She has no photos with her and another single man. Anywhere. Only in groups, or with other couples.
   
4. He isn't sharing his travel plans to go back there and visit - I am not 100% sure is he going, but there have been several posts where she has indiacated she'll be seeing him, but he's been mute to me about it.
   

Again, I'm fairly positive he doesn't really have those kinds of feelings for her, and maybe he's just being cautious that things won't work out between us, but if this is his BF, why hasn't he told her - or is she mad that he's dating and purposefully trying to "get him back" if you will (AFAIK, they've never dated).

He and I have talked about moving in together in the next 6 months or so, which, IMO, is a pretty big step, and shows a different level of commitment than just dating. If he's actually that serious, why would he hide us from his BFF or is she hoping he'll come back to her and just being catty? He doesn't hide our relationship with our "local" (aka California) friends...

As a female, if I knew a male friend of mine was dating, I would NEVER put up a photo with the two of us together (just the two of us), yet she does it ALL THE TIME, and he's the only man she ever posts up photos of being alone with. This is making me very uncomfortable, but I'm nervous to bring it up as I also don't want to just be the super jealous, insecure girlfriend, either.

In the past, my gut on these things was pretty damn accurate, but since I've actually yet to MEET her, not sure it's entirely trustworthy, either, as it's a pretty filtered view of things that I get to see.

The guy you are dating is the problem, not her or every single pic/post on her social media. It seems you are a little obsessed with her and see her as some sort of rival? Do you feel he created a sort of turf war and enjoys this cat fight you are having in your head with her over him? You haven't spent enough time together in general or in person in particular. Talk of moving in seems rather getting ahead of yourself considering you are worried about all this.

The guy you are dating is the problem, not her or every single pic/post on her social media. It seems you are a little obsessed with her and see her as some sort of rival? Do you feel he created a sort of turf war and enjoys this cat fight you are having in your head with her over him? You haven't spent enough time together in general or in person in particular. Talk of moving in seems rather getting ahead of yourself considering you are worried about all this.

He's been up front about her and their friendship - as far as I know anyways. What I don't know is if he has told her about us, and I'm not sure if that's something I should be inquiring about or not.

As a female, I'm fairly positive she has feelings for him, and he's probably oblivious to it (not uncommon). I've just heard and seen too many horror stories where the "we're just friends" ends up with them deciding otherwise, leaving 'you' hanging.

I've only dated one other guy who had a good female friend, and I met her and knew them both, and we all hung out together a couple times, and I was perfectly fine with things. Part of this may be that I've never actually met her, or been included in their friendship, but if he's not wanting to share that yet, well, that would make sense. So maybe I'm just jumping the gun, just find it odd that she keeps changing her profile picture to the two of them, and I'm trying to figure out if this is something I should bring up and talk to him, or if I'm just going to come across as insecure and paranoid (which is obviously your impression here, which is helpful to know that's how it seems to some people).

As for "moving in" talking is just that, and it's not tomorrow, it's another 5-6 months from now...we'll have had a lot more time to grow the relationship before that happens. But we're both adults with careers/jobs, and moves like that don't happen overnight, so yes, it's been discussed.

There are definitely some issues here. I wonder if she posts picture of herself and your boyfriend to keep other men from chatting her up. It makes it look like she's in a relationship. Maybe she fantasizes she's in a relationship with him. Or he is simply her closest friend.

Maybe your boyfriend has a FWB relationship with her. I mean, I'm a guy, and I know what goes through guys' minds. He could be having two LDRs simultaneously. If they're not having sex, it's probably because she's turned him down.

They certainly have an emotional relationship. The issue for you is whether it gets in the way of your relationship with him. Sometimes an emotional relationship can be stronger than a sexual relationship.

Maybe it's time that you ask him to introduce you to his female friend. All of you could video chat together. That way, you could stake your claim and let her know he's in a relationship. Or maybe ask your boyfriend if you could contact his female friend on Facebook. If you post pictures of your boyfriend on your Facebook page and tag them, Facebook may suggest his friend as a possible friend to you and that could lead to you introducing yourself to her.

I don't think you're being super jealous, but I think it's important to know who his friends are, especially if she's his best friend. He could be hiding you from her, but you'll know what the dynamic is when you see them interact together. You certainly need to find out before you move in together.

I would also caution you about having a LDR. How many times have you actually met each other in 5 months? A handful of times? That is not enough time to really know someone. Texting gives the ILLUSION of dating and being close, but you can learn more about a person in 10 minutes being together than in a month of texting. Also through texting, people can be more careful about what they say than in real life. On ENA, we have certainly seen a lot of posts from people in an LDR who never really knew the person they were texting. So certainly be extra careful before moving in with anyone. LDRs allow people to hide a lot of things from the other person.

A couple points I find a little odd:

A) You are FB friends with her, yet don't appear to have any direct connection to her. You mention you haven't met, and you don't believe he'd told her that he's even seeing someone - so how did you two wind up adding each other as friends on social media? Who added whom?

B) She is his best friend, yet has no clue who you are. I can understand not having met in person, or not really knowing a ton about you yet. But to not have any idea her best friend is dating someone? That strikes me as strange. I live abroad, and my best friend is back home on a different continent. She hasn't met my (local) partner in person yet, but she certainly knows who he is and she started hearing his name just a few weeks after he and I had been dating and I knew it was going somewhere. I was excited to share with her. The same applies with a good local male friend of mine. He knows my partner, and he has often told me about the women he goes out with. By contrast, for best friends, this lady appears to be the dark about a significant part of your boyfriend's life - ie. you.

If he were a private person by nature, this would make more sense to me. But you say he is open with local friends about you so I too would be a little concerned about his apparent reluctance to share anything about you with her.

Your boyfriend is the problem, not her.

He should be telling her that:

1.) He is only interested in her as a friend.

2.) That he has a girlfriend he is serious about.

That should be enough information for her to know her place and to stop the posting of them on her FB. You could be right, she could be hoping that their relationship means more.

But at this point, it's your boyfriend who should be making it known that you exist and he's very happy to have you.

If he's not doing that, then you need to be looking in his direction as to why things are blurred and she is confused.

He could be having two LDRs simultaneously

This did cross my mind. I mean, how would you know for sure? You are only going on his word.

Either way, sounds like it's time to sit him down and ask him what's going on.

To answer a few questions:

We (he and I) met through a sport, and this sport tends to connect people across the nation (motorcycle racing). It is very common for people in this community to make friends based on our racing, which is how she and I ended up as FB friends. We know MANY of the same people, both of our general social circles are the same, and most of us racers tend to be a bit lacking in the social life outside of the track.

I agree that his not sharing "us" with her is a major red flag, and honestly the one that bothers me the most. I'm just not sure how to confront it? Do I deal with it head on (I'm prone to being too blunt when confronting things - I'm an INTJ, he's an ISFJ), and come across like an insecure crazy lady, or is there a more subtle way to address it? My personality is getting rather resistive to just letting it keep going, but I also know my tendencies need to be controlled a little bit sometimes.

I like the idea of asking for an introduction...that would probably help. Never having actually seen them interact is probably a big part of my personal issues as I have only ever seen their public, online interactions (and we all know social media "lives" are BS).

Why not post a picture of you and he and caption it...me and my boyfriend...she'll see it and then will know.

Why not post a picture of you and he and caption it...me and my boyfriend...she'll see it and then will know.

I don't have any lol - I don't do a lot of selfies, and hate candid photos of myself, so tend to avoid them. I've posted a few times including the two of us, but hard to say if she even sees them.

No, you are not paranoid.

Frankly, this is a weird situation.

You are FB friends with this woman through your sport, and although you've never met her, you are her best friend's girlfriend, although she knows nothing about you. Jeez, that whole sentence was hard to even keep straight.

If his best friend was a guy who lived in Seattle, don't you think he'd have at least mentioned you to his best "guy" friend? Why don't you think he's mentioned you to his best "girl" friend?

And if his best friend was a guy, he wouldn't be changing his picture constantly with your boyfriend. That's just weird.

These are my opinions:

--She likes him for more than a friend and is trying to convince him to like her as well.

--She probably knows that there's another woman in the picture and is trying to unnerve "her" (you). While he hasn't told her about you, she probably can guess, due to his unavailability at certain times that she's called, etc.

--He enjoys the discomfort that this causes. Keeping you both up in the air, mentally fighting for him, keeps his fire burning.

--It's too soon to talk about moving in together. 5 months, only long distance, does not a relationship make. If you are talking about long term, then one of you should move to the other's city and get a separate place and date in person for at least a year.

Me? I'd be done with this. She can have him.

I’d just have a chat with him.

There’s some drama here, some gamesmanship, no doubt. I could pick it apart, but you’ve done too much of that and there’s plenty in this thread to chew on.

So bring it up.

What would I do? The next time we were together I'd say: I've met all your Cali friends. Now I'd like to meet your bestie. Let's Skype with her.

His best friend needs to be a champion to you two as a couple, or it will be a constant stress in your life. Because with a best friend, I'm assuming their communication and visits are regular, and she might be forever in his life. If you're a positive person and a good gf for any man, if she gives you the cold shoulder/stink eye, then you know she wants more than a buddy thing with him, and you will be subjected to tension for a lifetime. And even if it was the case that he's not into her enough to date her, the ego boost he gets from his superfan will have him wanting to keep this lady in his life.

Don't feel bad for doing what's best for yourself and finding out what you need to know. Nobody has your back but you, so get your answers and base your decision on that. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

The thing I'd want to learn from him is whether he's ever had a sexual relationship with her. If not, I'd stay away from discussing her, because he's had every opportunity over the past x years to connect with her on a BF level if he WANTED to.

However, if he has a sexual history with her, I'd gently explain that my private policy is to not involve myself with anyone who is still involved with an ex lover in any way, shape or form beyond shared children. So, as much as I adore him and can picture the two of us dating in the future, I need to step away while we both still think highly of one another. He gets all the time he wants to decide whether to finish his old business with her, or not. If so, he can let me know, and if I'm still available then, we can meet to catch up. Otherwise, I wish him all the best.

It makes no sense to hover around anyone who still has an ex lover in the picture hoping for relief from that kind of anxiety--or worse, to police them. I'd skip that. NObody, to me, would be worth living like that.

Head high.

Strikes me as inappropriate.

I think if he was really into you, he would have a picture of you two, not her.

One thing missing from this conversation is the fact you're supposed to be his best friend now, not her, not any other woman. Your lover and best friend are the same person. If they're not, you have chosen poorly.