Back to square one, rising from the ashes

Hello everyone,

I came to this forum for the first time when my ex ex broke up with me, that was in September 2014. I suffered almost 2 years after the break up, we even had a some sort of fwb situation.

Back then my mom was fighting cancer and I was in a very weak position and just wanted something in my life going good.

In spring 2015 I met my recent ex boyfriend. We had an instant connection but as I was still kinda stuck with my ex then nothing happened until August 2016. But in the meanwhile we were in constant contact and got along very well and had met a few time.

I have to add I’m from Germany and him from Belgium. We met through a dating app while he was in Germany.

Fast forward we became a couple on September 3 in 2016. After this my ex back then went crazy and wanted to have me back, too late obviously.

On 31st of October I lost my mom and a world broke down for me. But I had my now ex. He was loving and caring and he said he would never leave me.

After the loss of my mom hard times came for me and my family, which contain of my dad and two sisters.

After a few months I moved into my own apartment in my home City in Germany. We had a ldr and it really wasn’t easy but we didn’t give up on each other. Both of us were saying that we have never had these kind of feelings for anyone else before.

After a year together, I was also unhappy in my previous job and didn’t feel home in my home city anymore because of all the memories of my mom, we have decided together that I move to Belgium to live with him.

I was very excited about everything. I found a job here real quick and everything seemed to be perfect. As my job was in another city than where we live and it took me everyday like 3-4 hours to get back and forth to work, I was struggling a lot.

I was in a new country, didn’t speak the language really, new job and then the struggles of going to work and getting back.

After 5 months of full time work, I was almost having a burn out, so we decided that I only work part time so I have more days off.

I was doing slowly better again and being more positive.

But we always had some small and also major fights, when I look back now just over stupid things.

He has one female friend who he knows since he’s 12 yo. She became also my friend, very good friend. I was alone most of the time as he’s gone always for a week and home for a week due to this job.

She was there for me. But she was also always in contact with him, 24/7, which bothered me sometimes.

This year in August we had a major fight after a party, drunk things were said. And like a week after he went out alone with his female friend, took drugs (what he never does), and came back the next morning at 6. The next day he was all clingy to me and asking do you still love me and stuff. I didn’t loose a single word about that night to him.

Two days later he left again for work and another two days later he said we need to talk when I’m back. Then he came back and we had a talk and he said after this he wants to think about if he still wants to be with me. He said we had many different opinion on things and stuff. So we had a talk and he said I should give him some time. I did, but I also said you know what I want and we have to make a decision.

Two weeks after being quite distant to each other I got a call from him (he was still away for a week for work) saying he really wants to give us a second chance. I was sooo happy, I can’t even put that in words.

In the meanwhile I had a few talks with our so called ‘friend’. And she was only talking negative about our relationship, that sometimes love is just not enough and so on and on. When I called her after his call to inform her that he was giving us another chance, she was really not happy.

She got distant to me but closer with him. She was showing him screenshots of my conversations with her and vice versa the same to him. She was just too involved in everything. After our talk I even had told him that I think she’s more his friend then mine and that I’ll take a step back.

After a while he became more affectionate again, we were having always great sex and it was much better between us. Then her birthday came of our so called friend.

We were all together and had fun. I didn’t care at all if they were talking, singing or whatever, I was truly having fun myself. Me and my boyfriend, um ex, were enjoying ourselves. Otherwise we would have fought if anything happened like she mentioned in her text. In her text she was just saying that me and another girlfriend of a good friend were having a strange vibe with her and that she also couldn’t understand that I was still having issues with her friendship with my guy.

I was utterly shocked as the night nothing like this happened. As I mentioned before my ex and I would’ve fought there immediately and he would have let me feel it. She was just also jealous that I got along with the other girlfriend of us.

Two days later my ex texts me while he was gone with work again, that he’s gonna meet up with her when he’s back again. That was such a primitive game from her, to prove me something, but my ex fell for it.

I didn’t have a say in anything. Even though I asked him if they maybe could meet on another day for example. He almost freaked out.

Fast forward again they met, I even have sent a gift for her with my ex. He left at 5:30 pm and I didn’t hear a single word from him until he came home at 3 am. I should mention he only said to me before they were going for dinner.

He came home, again full of drugs. Wow you can’t imagine how I felt. I’ve had enough. I asked him why he took drugs again and then it escalated. He said very hurtful things to me that he even almost regrets to ever gotten together with me. No one would have started something with me in the situation I was, mind you my situation was my moms illness.

Next day he ignored me, we didn’t talk at all. He left the house and I said I wanna talk with you when you’re back, no word. Next day he left for boxing, I packed some stuff and went o the other city where I work to stay over at my colleagues place.

He texted me where I was, if I was coming and we should talk no, and stuff.

Next day I came home and we talked.

That was our break up talk on 23.11.

While breaking up with me he cried almost harder than me that I almost wanted to comfort him. He was worried about me and cared a lot about me and so on and on.

While breaking up with me he even mentioned this so called friends name way too much, she suggested this and that and stuff like that.

I got so mad! I said I don’t need your or her help. I don’t want your pity. I don’t want to be your friend or your buddy.

We talked a lot and he said he just can’t see a future with me. He never said he didn’t love me anymore.

Before we were always planning of buying a house getting a dog etc.

Anyway we cried hard. I went that evening to see another apartment. I had told him he could stay home the night but should leave for the evening. He was at her place.

When he came home he asked how the apartment was and I just bursted in tears and said it’s not home, how many times did you have to change your home?? Mind you he never left his comfort zone ever.

He cried out so loud and went to bed crying loud all the time.

Next morning he was preparing to leave for work again, we had again a talk and I was so hurt. At the end I asked him if I could hug him, we hugged so hard, he caressed my hair and back, gave me a kiss on my head and cried both really hard.

He kept saying he was so so sorry. Then he hugged me again before he left.

I went the week to Germany to my family. I wrote him looong texts about everything, how I missed him and stuff. He then also wrote me a long text trying to explain things. I couldn’t believe or accept that he could led go of us, the only thing I always believed in was the strong love we had for each other.

During our talk I said I’m not gonna leave the apartment until I found my own one, as I also almost don’t know anyone here and he said he’s also not gonna leave.

But then he came back from work again and packed his stuff and said he’s gonna stay somewhere else I could stay here.

He stayed at her place, from all the places he could.

The week I was gone in Germany, she didn’t really check up on me. He had told me before she doesn’t know how to act towards me, which I couldn’t understand, because she claimed to be my friend and a friend would also know how to act.

I have sent her a very looong text saying that she was too involved in everything and she should have focused more on her life. Many other people I talked to said and saw the same.

I only got a childish pathetic response, she basically quit our friendship saying thank you for confirming things I already knew. And wished me a happy life. I have to say I had sent this text also to my ex also her reaction, I said as I don’t want words put in my mouth, he can see it black on white.

After this he really shut my mouth and said stop. He didn’t care what I had to say about it but they instantly talked about it.

So when he came back, he said why are you so angry, we can handle everything smoothly and stuff. I said I’m angry because you don’t give me the chance to explain myself but only listen to her. That all these screenshots which have been sent from him to her and vice versa were not ok and so on. I started crying, this time he just left and went to the basement. Immediately started texting with her and she blocked me on WhatsApp and Instagram instantly. I was like wow, he immediately told her again and she blocked me. Sorry but that wasn’t a coincidence.

Then he left. We had agreed to talk the next day more calmly. He came to pick up some things and we talked. I was just stuffed and didn’t have any energy anymore. I just was telling him to also talk to other people.

Anyway he left again. Next day I think I’ve texted him, having a breakdown again, in denial of the break up. He said a part of him even wants to come and hug me but it wouldn’t be right and so on and on. I don’t exactly remember how everything went chronologically but he came home again and he said a friend was going away for three months and I should maybe live there until I found something myself. I have to say while breaking up with me he suggested I stayed here as long as necessary and don’t have to pay rent so could save some money. Because when I moved here from Germany i came with zero furniture and i also have so saved money.

But then he was speaking differently. I only said two days ago and during the break up he said he wouldn’t push me and now he was doing exactly that. He said yeah ok but I’m not gonna pay 6 months for an apartment I’m not living in and stuff.

I already feel so unwanted here and like living in a museum where time stands still with all the memories and really are looking hard for an apartment, but that really was too much.

Saturday, 08.12 he went out with her again and I’m pretty sure drugs were involved again.

Sunday I was checking my insta account and wow he got suggested to me. He didn’t have any Instagram before. So he just created it. I took a screenshot of it and was texting him saying that he was just being suggested to me and that I couldn’t understand why he just didn’t do that while we were together, I couldn’t have cared less. While texting him he had already blocked me, again wow. That’s all I said to him, again that I was sad and so on and on. I have a second account to stalk people. So I checked his account and saw that he started following a girl, who he had an affair with before getting together with me. Oh boy that hurt so much. To this I have to add, this girl sent him a text out of the blue while we were in Paris for my birthday. His first reaction then was and I was just like what is it, who is it. He said yeah nevermind, no one and stuff but I said why do you react like this then?? Then he told me that it was her but he wasn’t interested in what she was texting and blocked her. And until then we were already in a relationship for more than 1,5 years.

And now he started following her on insta. When he came here yesterday to pick up his back for work, where he left for today, he said he wants me to stop sending these texts. That it’s only harder on us, especially on me. And that he doesn’t want to forget the past, but it was almost I was forcing him to think about it.

We talked a bit, he again made another suggestion where I could live in the meanwhile but we didn’t speak about it intensively.

Then when he was about to leave, I don’t know why, but I asked him if I could hug him and he said he doesn’t think it’s a good idea. I started crying and then he hugged me, hard and long. I cried like a baby and he also cried a bit. He said again I’m really sorry and take care of yourself and left.

A few hours later was when I figured he followed her and I got really mad, sad and disappointed. And texted him that I will respect him and not text him anymore. But that it really hurts that he already started reconnection with his affairs which he blocked himself. And I wrote other stuff like it will do me good when he’s gone now for a week, I will focus on myself and will get better.

He replied to my text that I still wasn’t respecting his request not to send him texts anymore. And about the girl that it was just a follow and how I could even see that. And that it was also a bit creepy that I reacted to that already. He said please find a grip on yourself and please stop texting. When our emotions settled a bit we could sit down and talk. Thank you. That’s how he finished. I only replied back that I was just saying I will respect his request of not contacting him. But that he hurt me a lot with this affair thing and how he would feel about it. And then I just said I’ll get better soon and thank you for respecting me. Which he obviously didn’t.

A few hours later he posted his first picture on insta, knowingly I can see it for some reason, with the dog of this so called friend in her house. All smiley and happy. That was a punch in my face again.

So that was it. I have cried a lot yesterday, talked to my sisters and friends, had a really bad night with weird dreams, but I came to the conclusion, that’s not what I deserved!! I deserve better! The only problem is that even after all that happened, I still love him.

I gave up everything for him and came here, because I believed in us too hard, it was just too special.

I know I deserve better, that I will get there and that I don’t want to run after someone who seems to have let go of me already.

I can’t understand this. Three days before he broke up, that was the day he went out with this friends, we even had sex in the morning. Everything was fine, he was calling me babe. We even ordered a couch table before.

I can’t understand what happened, what changed. I know for sure that he would not have anything with this female friend, also his sister assured me this. He always said to me that having a relationship with her would be crazy as she is not an easy person. But I know that she tried to kiss him once way before me and he rejected her.

I’ve heard from his sister that apparently she now admitted that her intentions were good all the time but yeah that she might have given wrong advices and was too involved. He also admitted that he involved her too much into our relationship. And I’m now like ok with that so much was damaged, now they see it and admit but it changes nothing.

Oh god I’m so hurt. I can’t imagine it to be over but at the same time I’m trying to get stronger again. Next week I’ll try to start working again and I’m hoping to find an apartment asap.

I feel lost and still strong at the same time.

But I can’t stop wishing that he wakes up and sees what happened and that he can’t let me go, but I really don’t know if that will ever happen.

There are still more to everything. I would be happy if you took your time to read this and try to give me maybe an objective opinion. Very much appreciated.

If there are any questions, I’ll happily answer them.

Thanks in advance for your help.

BuTe24

It’s a long read, I’m sorry. But I think some details are very important. Thank you x

I know you're hurting, but there are a lot of red flags in your relationship.

First of all, the arguing and fighting. This is never good in a relationship. When you're fighting over minor things, then arguing is about trying to control and manipulate the other person. You should think about the fights and why you were having them. The break ups and then making up again is part of emotional abuse. It's a way of getting you to accept his "friendship" with his female friend, the drug taking, and him leaving you whenever he felt like it to be with her. You get to the point where you think it's just normal behavior from him. But it's not normal behavior in a relationship. And it makes you emotionally dependent on "them." You're isolated. You have no friends other than your boyfriend and this girl. He breaks up, you take him back. This creates all sorts of drama and he begs you to forgive him, so you think he loves you. But it's part of the emotional abuse pattern. If you Google "emotional abuse" see if what comes back describes your relationship.

Next is this other woman friend of his. Was she supplying him drugs? He would go over to her place and come back to you at 3 am totally high. Was that their connection? I mean, if I'm spending that much time alone with another woman, I'm either having sex with her, doing drugs with her, or both. Love triangles don't work out and here, you're the odd man out. She constantly intruded on your relationship. She seemed to be controlling your boyfriend. She controlled him and he controlled you. They certainly were having an emotional relationship even if it wasn't sexual. Maybe she wouldn't have sex with him, but he would have sex with you thinking of her.

Anyway, you sound like a sensitive, caring young woman and you need to actually find a guy who deserves you. I know it's difficult. Guys can be real jerks. For a lot of young guys, it's all about them. Get drunk, get laid, have a good time. Relationship? Who cares about a relationship? You've got to find a serious, romantic guy who is actually looking for partner rather than someone to cook, clean and has sex with you.

I know you're hurting, but there are a lot of red flags in your relationship.

 

First of all, the arguing and fighting. This is never good in a relationship. When you're fighting over minor things, then arguing is about trying to control and manipulate the other person. You should think about the fights and why you were having them. The break ups and then making up again is part of emotional abuse. It's a way of getting you to accept his "friendship" with his female friend, the drug taking, and him leaving you whenever he felt like it to be with her. You get to the point where you think it's just normal behavior from him. But it's not normal behavior in a relationship. And it makes you emotionally dependent on "them." You're isolated. You have no friends other than your boyfriend and this girl. He breaks up, you take him back. This creates all sorts of drama and he begs you to forgive him, so you think he loves you. But it's part of the emotional abuse pattern. If you Google "emotional abuse" see if what comes back describes your relationship.

 

Next is this other woman friend of his. Was she supplying him drugs? He would go over to her place and come back to you at 3 am totally high. Was that their connection? I mean, if I'm spending that much time alone with another woman, I'm either having sex with her, doing drugs with her, or both. Love triangles don't work out and here, you're the odd man out. She constantly intruded on your relationship. She seemed to be controlling your boyfriend. She controlled him and he controlled you. They certainly were having an emotional relationship even if it wasn't sexual. Maybe she wouldn't have sex with him, but he would have sex with you thinking of her.

 

Anyway, you sound like a sensitive, caring young woman and you need to actually find a guy who deserves you. I know it's difficult. Guys can be real jerks. For a lot of young guys, it's all about them. Get drunk, get laid, have a good time. Relationship? Who cares about a relationship? You've got to find a serious, romantic guy who is actually looking for partner rather than someone to cook, clean and has sex with you.

First of all thank you for taking your time and reading my text and also replying so detailed, means a lot to me!! x

When I read your text about the emotional abuse, I think you’re right with that. I was really in a position where I wasn’t allowed to say anything what he was doing or with who. I had to accept everything.

Whenever the two of them went out, they took drugs. From her I know that when she exaggerates with alcohol at one point takes cocaine but my ex never did it, except the two times with her. And he didn’t understand why I didn’t like it, I was worried, not even a year ago he lost a friend of 29 yo to cocaine.

The last time they went out, he left at 5:30 pm and they first went to dinner and afterwards to a bar of a mutual friend, we used to go there always all together. And there they took the drugs. From there he came home around 3 am where we had the major fight. When he broke up with me three days later, he said that had nothing to do with the fight we had.

Oh you are so right, she intruded our relationship so hard and my ex was blinded! Whenever I tried to say something I was the bad guy. He always said she’s being objective.

She was jealous because she is single and the unhappiest person I have ever met. At one point the first time they went out together she admitted it to me that she finally had her friend back and was acting egoistically, why she didn’t care about me much and took drugs and he came home at 6 am.

She’s a toxic person who played well and until one point I even fell for it.

He always told me that he couldn’t ever imagine having something with her but I believe now that she at one point hoped for it secretly. My ex is good looking, earns good money and normally is a nice guy, so a jackpot.

He’s also 6 years younger than me, he is 31 and I am 37. But when we started dating I had my issues with it but he seemed very mature also because of his job, he has lots of responsibility as he is a captain on a ship.

I also have now the feeling that he is kinda having gig’s or something, like he’s missing out something in life. But yeah we were planning on buying a house and everything, all his ideas.

I don’t know why I’m still hoping that at one point he wakes up and regrets his mistake and comes back to me. But when I see it rationally and read what you wrote, I would be stupid to ever want him back.

Think the problem is also I have up my whole life and came to another country to build a life with him. That’s where I’m having issues with in letting go I think. I kinda feel lost.

Thank you so much for your honest words! It’s also an eye opener! I just have to see it also that rationally so I can start letting go. And also I’m still in the apartment, which is also kinda holding me back to start with letting go of everything.

Aahh such a difficult situation really..

Sorry you're going through this. And also at 37, you want someone to settle down with. Learning about the age difference also makes some sense out of what your ex is doing. He's still immature and irresponsible to some extent. He still likes to party. You've got to force yourself to move on and rebuild your life.

Sorry you're going through this. And also at 37, you want someone to settle down with. Learning about the age difference also makes some sense out of what your ex is doing. He's still immature and irresponsible to some extent. He still likes to party. You've got to force yourself to move on and rebuild your life.

Thank you DanZee! I guess you’re right, he is immature with some things although he convinced me of other things at the beginning, that’s why I’ve started everything with him in the first place.

It just hurts everything so much. I know the best is to find a new apartment asap, get out of here and never look back. It’s just so hard to let go of him, even after everything that happened.

I wished someone would have something magical for me which makes everything go away. Think I’m also kinda scared of the future, to start over with 37. I wanted to get married and have children, but it seems impossible.

I’m still doing my best to wake up every day and try to keep myself busy. It was also affecting me physically, but it’s starting to get better.

Let’s hope I overcome this soon and everything is gonna be alright again. Can’t see a happy future right now, but I still believe in miracles, who knows!

Thanks again for taking your time!