Healing Process Based on Signs Post Split

This is obviously related to my current situation found under the break up section.

I right now have broken up (5 weeks) from a 17 year relationship / and what was nearly 8 years of marriage during that time. We have 3 kids, a house together and a very very strong bond (friendship, romance, desire, and quite possibly some dependence on each other to form part of our identity). But there is a lot of mistakes on both sides of the relationship, for my wife particularly she has numerous issues she has to overcome for herself to be back where she wants to be in life. As we both stated, only time will tell.

I was the one who wanted to work at the relationship when things came to light and we got talking in depth. But I've finally let go given and am focusing on myself, focusing on moving forwards in life and to better me. I still think about her daily and try my best to keep busy (work / kids / self improvement).

She right now is speaking to another man, meeting up when she can (they live about 41 miles apart). She says shes not in love with me but when were together shes extremely excited to see me, conversations are deep and intense and full of laughter, we generally get on better than ever. The spark reminds me of when we first got together, which she also told me without me saying. We started to have sex, very passionate and intimate sex, much more than when we were in the relationship (but it still was back then). However she still stands by her current decision to split (not divorce).

The times we have talked, she seems very confused and unsure of what she wants. I personally think she wants to have the mental break from the relationship but also see where things go with this other guy. But at the same time likes to have me around as a potential backup plan?

In terms of healing for me, the current situation was not healthy so I have taken a mighty step back, we keep in contact when it comes to the kids and plans involving them. Im trying to keep the rest limited (LC I guess). I think shes a little upset that Ive done this but understands why (she explained it should be the case before me but continued to flirt). My choice for this is to heal me heal, let her do her thing and see where it ends up (I didnt want to be the safety net, allowing her to only desire this other guy, none of the emotional baggage).

The issue is, during this healing period to focus on ourselves. A part of me keeps reading into her behaviour and thinking she wants it to work even though all of the issues shes faces. She said a few days ago that shes not ready to divorce, because she may think months down the line she made a huge mistake. She doesnt want to make any decisions in her current mindset. Im trying my best not to read into this, focus on fully moving on (hard after 17 years I know but Im working extremely hard at it). But I just want to know, what is going on in her head to have all these mixed and conflicting thoughts.

I feel like I am so powerless right now. Ive started to struggle to sleep at night and I dont know why. Its like I get wave of break up emotions right now. Its nuts.

Sorry to read your post ~ also because it triggers me about my own very similar situation.

The bad news is, while you're still interacting with her as you are, sex etc, what she is doing is weaning off you as she transitions into her new life.

It's brutal and I got dragged for near on 10 months before she finally disappeared...

You can't go strict NC because of the kids and a whole lot of other stuff that will need sorting out. But you'll need to get a little more unavailable....

She will most likely get a bit angry as you do this, but the sooner you can let go and start to pull away, the sooner your healing can begin.

It's going to be rough and I'm sending you strength for the road ahead.

For now, try to sleep and eat the best you can. Keep showing up for work if you have an income. Stay off the alcohol. Drink plenty of water.

Grieving takes a heavy toll on our mind and body so you'll have to take care to make it through this.

Be kind to yourself*

Carus*

Carus is right fluffy ....and he really did go through his own hell ....going through it still I imagine .

You are right ..she has the best of both worlds ..you on tap incase it all goes t1ts up with the new guy . Make sure you withdraw that option form her life and only have contact for the children .

I love you Pippy, you know that :)

Some days are better than others but inching forward*

Expanding on what dear Pippy said, the best chance you have of her turning around in a meaningful way is for her to miss you to the point that happens... And that won't happen if you're but a phone call away every time she has a down moment....

It's treacherous territory and painful to navigate, but you can do it...!

Carus*

Love you too x always thinking about you , especially this time of year x You will come out the other side just as you did last year , of that I am certain , and you fluffy x

Thank you both for your honesty, I do need to hear this. Also so sorry to hear about your experience Carus. That sounds horrendous, truthfully I can see this happening to me too. She's at university so that (should be) her priority right. I can imagine come summer time when she has extended time off she will be able to focus on the final straw when it comes to us, the other guy would be well established by then too.

I don't think she's have the best of both worlds on purpose, as she is a very kind and loving lady. I just think it's a natural approach given the circumstances? Either way not easy for me one bit, I feel so helpless, like I'm being mocked.

I am doing all I can to keep on top of the world otherwise. I'm in better shape and eating better than before. Taking more care of me and my needs, mainly just the sleep.

We have lots planned with the kids over xmas but after that no ties. The trouble is my thinking is to be there for her at key dates (her grandmother passed away in Jan). I don't want it to seem I don't care, but also I don't want to be there for her and again she use the emotional support. Her mother who wants to see us works pleads I don't give up on the relationship, but her daughter already has.

Tell her you're not going to share her with another man (unless you're into that kind of thing). Even if the new dude falls thru, how are you going to be able to look her in the eye after all this? Get as much sleep as you can, then start working on your "me" plan that doesn't include your "wife". Better to settle legal matters while she's still in la la land.

Wait a minute, here. Are you trying to get sympathy? This is a completely different story than you told yesterday:

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=556037

With the cheating and the sex work, and so on.

I mean, come on. You've got to face your demons. If you want honest advice, you have to be honest, and you have to be honest to yourself.

You and your wife have a HUGE number of issues to work through. She's in a Sugar Daddy relationship for money. Throughout her life, she has been constantly trying to get the attention of men whether she's been in a relationship or not. It sounds like a sex addiction brought on by sexual abuse at an early age. (You don't actually have to have sex to have this sort of behavior.) But she could be suffering from borderline personality disorder that doesn't allow her to know what's right or wrong, just to follow her erratic impulses. You've hinted at some similar abuse when you were growing up that has damaged your self-esteem and self confidence.

I mean, if you want us to say, cheer up, chap. It'll all work out. Fine. Cheer up! She'll come back to you! But the reality of the situation is much different.

I would say you need to start on yourself. You've got to build up your self-confidence. Work on yourself. Focus on the things you're successful at. Exercise. Eat right. Be a man! Stop having sex with the wife while you're separated. She's only using you!

Get more involved in counselling. Ask what you can do to increase your self-esteem. (There are some exercises like keeping a journal or writing lists about what's good about yourself.) Spend time with family and friends. Stop making everything about your wife. Start making it about YOU!

I would say you're depressed. Maybe you need to get some anti-depressants to get out of your rut.

Concentrate on your daughter. Be a father to her so she knows someone loves her. Set some goals in your life, and no, it doesn't mean setting a goal of getting back with your wife. I would say your goal should be about getting back on your feet and finding happiness.

Do things that make you happy. Focus on things you can change. Recite a mantra to yourself like the Stuart Smalley affirmation "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me." Work on yourself, and you might be able to change what's happening around you.

Love you too x always thinking about you , especially this time of year x You will come out the other side just as you did last year , of that I am certain , and you fluffy x

Thankyou Dear Pippy* ~ I'm doing all I can and I do hope so too :) x

Thank you both for your honesty, I do need to hear this. Also so sorry to hear about your experience Carus. That sounds horrendous, truthfully I can see this happening to me too.

Thankyou Fluffy* ~ Yes it was horrendous and almost cost me my life.....

Now it's still somewhat horrendous.....

Hopefully in 6-12 more months it will be just a blurred memory....

My (rather extensive) journal is here if you want a glimpse of what could lie ahead for you ~ https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=543562

You'll need a few hours and a stiff drink :-)

I don't think she's have the best of both worlds on purpose, as she is a very kind and loving lady. I just think it's a natural approach given the circumstances? Either way not easy for me one bit, I feel so helpless, like I'm being mocked.

I would agree with that....'Most' exes don't really want to hurt the other person and struggle with their own decision....

But their path away from the fire is quite different than ours and in the majority of cases they are determined to stick to their decision.....

Of course there are things that can really do further damage to the situation but I think you will be able to straighten up pretty quickly.....

I am doing all I can to keep on top of the world otherwise. I'm in better shape and eating better than before. Taking more care of me and my needs, mainly just the sleep.

Good man. just keep focusing on that. You will have good days and days where you just don't want to get out of bed.....But so long as you chip away and inch forward you can weave your way through this.....

We have lots planned with the kids over xmas but after that no ties.

A difficult time no doubt....But you'll just have to tough it out, stay cool, and then scream, cry and punch the pillow when you get home....*

The trouble is my thinking is to be there for her at key dates (her grandmother passed away in Jan). I don't want it to seem I don't care, but also I don't want to be there for her and again she use the emotional support.

I think at this stage it's probably ok to acknowledge the date, but what do you mean by 'be there for her'....?

If anything I would just send a text acknowledging the date....if anything....

Her mother who wants to see us works pleads I don't give up on the relationship, but her daughter already has.

Associated Loss ~ An unfortunate burden of a separation. Same happened for me as I was very close to her mother and whole family....

But sadly you will have to try and distance yourself from her family for a time....possibly not forever, just for now.....

Do Not try and get the mother or family onside to help you get her back....That doesn't work and will usually backfire and can make things worse.....

Maybe start watching some Craig Kenneth videos ~

Or Healing Heart ~

Hope this helps. All for now.

Carus*

Hi DanZee, my previous post was the back story. This is about where I am now in life.

I feel you have perhaps taken what I've said in my original post and made some additional assumptions based on the particular landmarks in the relationship.

I no doubt disagree with you, we have both been through things that have left us wanting more from life / love / relationships. Myself, I did not know how to accept or give love due to my upbringing I believe. She's the opposite, she has pined to be loved and not received it in the way she wanted it. You keep saying about being a sex worker (you obviously can't let that one go). Maybe I shouldn't have used the term sugar daddy? She was yes seeing other men, I didn't say no to this as I was trying to keep her happy, insecure in my own ability to satisfy her in terms of company, getting out there doing things. Speaking to her about it now, she said if she knew it hurt she would never have done it. But she said outright she didn't feel loved, she felt I became unwilling to do things in the relationahip.

It's been extremely hard to deal with the situation I'm currently faced with right now. But I've starting lifting again, im eating better and I've completely changed my wardrobe. I feel in myself confident and like a new man. So I'm making the steps I need to make to better myself, de-identify myself with my ex.

I've just struggled though living at my parents, stueggled to accept the situation we are in right now. It's knocked me for 6.

I'm reading on the topic of marriage and break up, about how to build a better relationship. And as silly as it may sound I've finding so much out there on YouTube to help me focus and motivate myself to be a better man.

I no doubt know we have a lot of crap to work through for my our own sake, I'm just reaching out particularly here to explain where I currently am (I did mention all my self improvement stuff but you seemed to skip over that).

I was definitely depressed, but I've taken action, control of the situation rather than going for antidepressants or booze. I'm seeing a counselor as is my wife. So, not sure where you're coming from making th see repeat suggestion? I'd say I'm depressed now but that's me going through the break up.

Not having a pop just saying..

Wait a minute, here. Are you trying to get sympathy? This is a completely different story than you told yesterday:

 

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=556037

 

With the cheating and the sex work, and so on.

 

I mean, come on. You've got to face your demons. If you want honest advice, you have to be honest, and you have to be honest to yourself.

 

You and your wife have a HUGE number of issues to work through. She's in a Sugar Daddy relationship for money. Throughout her life, she has been constantly trying to get the attention of men whether she's been in a relationship or not. It sounds like a sex addiction brought on by sexual abuse at an early age. (You don't actually have to have sex to have this sort of behavior.) But she could be suffering from borderline personality disorder that doesn't allow her to know what's right or wrong, just to follow her erratic impulses. You've hinted at some similar abuse when you were growing up that has damaged your self-esteem and self confidence.

 

I mean, if you want us to say, cheer up, chap. It'll all work out. Fine. Cheer up! She'll come back to you! But the reality of the situation is much different.

 

I would say you need to start on yourself. You've got to build up your self-confidence. Work on yourself. Focus on the things you're successful at. Exercise. Eat right. Be a man! Stop having sex with the wife while you're separated. She's only using you!

 

Get more involved in counselling. Ask what you can do to increase your self-esteem. (There are some exercises like keeping a journal or writing lists about what's good about yourself.) Spend time with family and friends. Stop making everything about your wife. Start making it about YOU!

 

I would say you're depressed. Maybe you need to get some anti-depressants to get out of your rut.

 

Concentrate on your daughter. Be a father to her so she knows someone loves her. Set some goals in your life, and no, it doesn't mean setting a goal of getting back with your wife. I would say your goal should be about getting back on your feet and finding happiness.

 

Do things that make you happy. Focus on things you can change. Recite a mantra to yourself like the Stuart Smalley affirmation "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me." Work on yourself, and you might be able to change what's happening around you.

Thankyou Fluffy* ~ Yes it was horrendous and almost cost me my life.....

 

Hopefully in 6-12 more months it will be just a blurred memory....

Im so sorry to hear this, Ive never experienced emotional pain quite like this so I totally understand. Im glad you found the strength to keep going.

What thing I did find is time and also self focus really works wonders, being able to cut ties / put it behind you I assume is the key

My (rather extensive) journal is here if you want a glimpse of what could lie ahead for you ~ https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=543562

 

You'll need a few hours and a stiff drink :-)

I will read up, I feel there is so much Im not ready for in this life so anything to educate and better myself now is a start. Thank you for sharing this.

I would agree with that....'Most' exes don't really want to hurt the other person and struggle with their own decision....

 

But their path away from the fire is quite different than ours and in the majority of cases they are determined to stick to their decision.....

 

Of course there are things that can really do further damage to the situation but I think you will be able to straighten up pretty quickly.....

 

Good man. just keep focusing on that. You will have good days and days where you just don't want to get out of bed.....But so long as you chip away and inch forward you can weave your way through this.....

After many conversations, pouring my heart out and really assessing my actions in the relationship and hers also. I finally spoke my mind, said how I feel and explained where I am right now. My wife can see the changes and it took her back. She later explained she had been reflecting a lot, her time with this other guy (being a distraction from her actual issues). I said she can have this guy, she has lost me through this.

Its turned her world upside down, to the point now shes afraid to lose me. About time if Im honest this finally was said! Because its the one thing I couldnt understand, how she had lost that much love for me given how strong our bond is / was. She said she was so caught up in her distraction and want for me to feel what I had lost, she supressed many emotions.

Im not quite sure now where things will go, but its a very significant turn of events were in. Being honest with myself and our relationship is something Ive side stepped for so long now. I feel so good in myself in doing this. And my very very breif time on here, "levelling myself up" is a lot to do with this now. Thank you, but I will continue with the advice Ive been given no matter the outcome.

A difficult time no doubt....But you'll just have to tough it out, stay cool, and then scream, cry and punch the pillow when you get home....*

 

I think at this stage it's probably ok to acknowledge the date, but what do you mean by 'be there for her'....?

 

If anything I would just send a text acknowledging the date....if anything....

Good advice, I will do this. But not overstep the mark.

Associated Loss ~ An unfortunate burden of a separation. Same happened for me as I was very close to her mother and whole family....

But sadly you will have to try and distance yourself from her family for a time....possibly not forever, just for now.....

Do Not try and get the mother or family onside to help you get her back....That doesn't work and will usually backfire and can make things worse.....

Agree, yes I noticed this, she felt pressured from all angles. Particularly doesnt help how her and her mother dont always see eye to eye

Maybe start watching some Craig Kenneth videos ~

 

Or Healing Heart ~

 

Hope this helps. All for now.

 

Thanks Carus, will add them to my watch later list. Will take a peak now. I have to sayin, YT has been a huge help in terms of my recovery. As a person and through the breakup. You just cant give up on yourself, keep strong man!