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Thread: How should I handle this "friend" at NYE party?

  1. #1
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    How should I handle this "friend" at NYE party?

    Very longtime "friend" since my 20's (we are now in our 50's).

    For decades, we were thick as thieves.

    I've been married 3 times and engaged 2 others, never had children, single now.
    She's had lots of LTR's, but never married, no children, and she has a new boyfriend.

    She's very attractive, professional, educated, and looks as good today as she did 25 years ago.

    Together, we've made a lot of new friendships over the years, expanding our circle, and it's been filled with really nice people, and we've all gone on trips, dinners, events, etc.

    I use the word "friend" in quotes now because I've moved her from "friendship" to "acquaintance" to barely see or talk to her.....here's why:

    Starting around 10 years ago, she''d make these little snide comments about me, always in front of new women we'd meet, always about my romantic past.
    Examples:
    -- At a party where neither of us knew many people, someone in a large group asked me my name, and then my last name. My "friend" jumped in and very loudly said, "Well that depends on which last name you want of LHGirl's. Let's see....first it was LHGirl xyz, then she got divorced, then it was back to her maiden name, then she got married again, and it was LHGirl abc, then she got divorced".....she went on like this through all my marriages. Mind you, my marriages were many years ago, last one ending in 2001, and no one at this party knew I had been married/divorced, as I only talk about it when it's a time that I want to talk. But she loves to find ways to bring this up to people I've never met, in ways to make me embarrassed.

    --Last year, while I was dating my now exBF, she brought up some dirt she had heard about him, from his very distant past, in a group of people. She made sure to "announce" it. This was while we were still in happy land, and it was dirt he had already shared with me. She made sure there was a lull in the conversation, and then she made an "announcement": "I heard LHGirl's boyfriend did xyz, and that LHGirl's BF did abc, and that he's not a great guy". She made sure that at least 8-10 other people heard this.

    --A few months ago, at a party, she announced to everyone that I had had my heart enormously broken by this one guy, and she proceeded to tell this whole story. This actually happened in 1999, yet she was re-telling it as if it were yesterday. She was there for the heartbreak and the tears back then, but now, she finds it the right time to make sure everyone knew how heartbroken I was. I haven't seen or talked about this guy for at least 10 years, yet she decided the rest of the room needed to know that I was so broken-hearted about him back then.

    These are just a few examples, I could go on.

    Over the years, she usually waits a few days, she calls me, apologizes (sincerely, blah), and we go on. Except, for about the past couple of years, I've simply moved away from being her one-on-one friend. I'm cordial to her in groups, but that's it.

    My question: We will both be at a small NYE dinner party, possibly only 8-10 people. She'll be there with her new boyfriend, and I'll be there alone. I'm absolutely fine going alone, as I've become good friends with the other couples. But I just know she's going to find a way, when there's a conversation lull, to bring up something hurtful about me. I just know it.

    Any ideas? Snappy answers? Silence? I need ideas!

  2. #2
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    I would say she's insecure and jealous of you and she has to put you down in front of other people to deflect people away from her own weaknesses. It's almost like an abusive relationship. Try these tips:

    [Register to see the link]

    I would add that if it happened to me and I had had a few drinks, I would make up a story about her being abducted and probed by aliens and act like that was a secret she didn't want let out. The more she denied it, the funnier it would be while you encourage her to tell the full story and throw in even more details. It might be the last time she humiliates you in public!

  3. #3
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    Thank you DanZee, that's actually great advice, and a great link!

    To add: not one of my other friends does this, even remotely. Not only that, but they are all supportive, and uplifting, and they always say really nice things about me, and give honest advice when I ask. So it's not like I get ganged up on. It's just this one person.

  4. #4
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    You could say something like * are you that desperate for attention you have to talk about my life because yours is so empty *

    Personally I would just say * shut the fk up * but that's me not you .

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  6. #5
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    I wish there was a combo of Pippy and Dan's advice -that would be hilarious. Seriously -the people who were there when she acted like such a moron - did they really enjoy listening to that crap? I would hate to hear someone shamed like that. I was in a similar situation once where an acquaintance was trying to sabotage my new relationship by making comments in front of my new boyfriend. And, hopefully she won't want to look like an idiot in front of her new boyfriend. Do you know the new boyfriend? I almost want you to make a snide remark like "next thing you know she'll be telling everyone about the time you and I....."

    I'm glad you are going. Of course you should go whether or not you have a plus one. I hope you enjoy and I hope she keeps her mouth shut.

  7. #6
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    did they really enjoy listening to that crap
    exactly bats , she is making herself look an idiot ...you actually don't need to say anything ....come on we are not kids ...they will all see through this BS

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by LHGirl
    To add: not one of my other friends does this, even remotely. Not only that, but they are all supportive, and uplifting, and they always say really nice things about me, and give honest advice when I ask. So it's not like I get ganged up on. It's just this one person.
    Oh, I believe it. Maybe she's jealous about you being married and engaged while she never was. Even attractive, professional and educated women can be insecure. In some way, she might even admire you. But talking about you deflects away from talking about herself and her failed relationships. But you may want to continue avoiding her.

  9. #8
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    Don't any of your friends speak up in your defense?

    If I were there I would have turned to you and asked "Has she always been this jealous of you or is it a recent development?"

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    Don't any of your friends speak up in your defense?

    If I were there I would have turned to you and asked "Has she always been this jealous of you or is it a recent development?"
    same ........................

  11. #10
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    Have you thought about talking to her? Something along the lines of “hey - can I ask you a favor? Can you not bring up my romantic past at dinner? I know you don’t do it on purpose or anything (swallow hard when you say that lol) but you do have a tendency to do that and it really bothers me”

    A preemptive strike! Lol

    Since you’ve known her 30 years you should be able to do that? No?

    I dunno. I prefer direct to passive-aggressive remarks or sarcasm. Just my style.

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