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Thread: How should I handle this "friend" at NYE party?

  1. #11
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    I would make up a story about her being abducted and probed by aliens
    This is offensive to those of us who have been abducted and probed by aliens. Haha!


    Seriously, though, who needs enemies when you have "friends?" I would call her on it while she's doing it. Maybe something along the lines of, "You do realize this was over 20 years ago, right? I would have hoped most of us would have moved on from that incident by now." Or be direct and say, "I'm not sure what you're trying to achieve by telling stories of my distant romantic past and I don't appreciate it."

    I had one pretty dramatic "friend" at one point but she kind of bullied people by making them repeat what they just said if she disagreed with it or was trying to pressure you into a specific answer. However, I've found this works pretty well on abusive personalities by making them own what they just said. Something along the lines of, "Excuse me? What did you just say? [Because it sounded pretty disrespectful]" Holding up a mirror sometimes makes them realize how bad it makes them look and takes the wind right out of their sails.

  2. #12
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    As for whether the others speak up in my defense, well, sort of.

    For ease, I'll call her S.

    At the last "incident", another long-term friend said something that I know was meant to be her way of deflecting from S's discussion.

    Within this circle, there's one friend that I've become a lot closer with, and she became closer to S as well. But lately, that friend has been calling me, questioning why S would say certain things about me. Lately, that newer friend has been saying to me all the things you all are saying: that's she's jealous of me because I've been married and she hasn't, and that she's insecure. And this newer friend finds it awful of her.

    But at the moment, everyone just stands there, dumbfounded. It's like no one else can believe she just said that about me, her supposed "best friend", and no one knows what to say. As I said, the good thing is, no one piles it on, because that would be awful. I'd then just have to walk away.

    I was telling this story to another of our friends, T., who hasn't heard S. do this to me in person, but she knows S. very well too. T. and I were having a nice lunch, laughing, joking, and when I told T. the things that S. says, T. started to cry. Literally, cried. She said it was so hurtful.

    As for talking to her, I have said things to her when she "apologizes". I've told her it hurts, and that I'd appreciate that we leave our romantic pasts in the past. And I've reminded her that I never bring up her past boyfriends in public. She agrees, apologizes again, rinse, repeat.

    The friends' group I'm in is all couples except me actually! Another one had a lovely party a few weeks ago, and I went solo. It's so totally fine, as I'm a total part of the group. I've been the 9th wheel, lol (4 couples + me) many times, it's so not a big deal. They'd think it was more strange if I didn't attend.

    I met S.'s new boyfriend at that recent party, but my strategy there was to play nicey-nice cordial, look at how beautiful the Xmas tree is, did you taste these appetizers? OMG yum. Etc., and then move through the crowd. It was fine. But this NYE party will be a more formal, sit-down dinner. These particular friends have this gorgeous home, and they do this almost annually. It's truly a lovely evening amongst good friends. I just want to go (Uber!), toast to a great year, eat delicious food, laugh amongst friends. I want to keep the knives out of my back from S.

    You're all giving me great feedback, thanks! Appreciate it all!

  3. #13
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    I would just say , wow your life must be boring as s.. t if you need to talk about me.

  4. #14
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    Agree with everyone else that she's jealous of you, and that when she mouths off like this, the only person she's showing up is herself. I like Seraphim's response.

    On occasions when people have been very rude to me, with no provocation whatsoever, I put my head on one side, look them straight in the eye - and smile. And say nothing. I find it freaks them out no end, but without me actually being dragged into the hostility. In other words, it leaves all the **** exactly where it belongs - with that person.

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  6. #15
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    Ugh, I hate hearing stories like this and tend to equate these types of situations with how I feel about gossiping - general disgust.

    I personally find people like your "friend" and gossipers to be unhappy and miserable with their own lives, so they attempt to drag others down to feel better about themselves.

    I think what also bothers me about this is that people like your "friend" help perpetuate the stereotype about women being catty, etc. I hate this...so much! I mean, men can be competitive with one another, but women I find can make it so much more hurtful and personal. I'll never understand this.

    Are any of your friends, including T, who are aware of this friend saying horrible things, going to be attending this dinner on NYE? Are you close enough with T and this other friend where you could ask them to say something if your friend decides to open her mouth?

    Heck, I'd have no issue piping up if one of my friends was being put down by someone else.

    If your friend decides to say something about you, can you say to her, "I'm flattered you seem to be so fascinated with my history, but I'm thinkin' it's my story to tell, if I choose to, don't you?" *Wink* (and maybe raise a wine glass, lol). "Now 'bout them Tigers?" (or some sports team) *change subject of conversation*

    And the fact that she continues to talk about your life after you've told her how hurtful she's been blows my mind.

    Your "friend" needs to get a life and focus more on making herself look like less of an ignoramus.

    Ugh, this bugs me!

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by milly007
    Are any of your friends, including T, who are aware of this friend saying horrible things, going to be attending this dinner on NYE? Are you close enough with T and this other friend where you could ask them to say something if your friend decides to open her mouth?
    Yes, they've all heard it before, one friend in particular. That friend, B., has reached out to me several times. Each time she hears S. do this to me, she calls to let me know that she heard it, and that she thinks it's awful, and that, like most here, she thinks it's due to jealousy, or cattiness, or whatever.

    I love nutbrownhare's approach: tilt my head to one side, look her straight in the eye, and smile.

    I hate to say this, because maybe it's catty of me to say, but I kind of hope she does say something catty on NYE in front of her new boyfriend. I want him to see her for who she is. OK, cattiness over. (evil grin....)

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by LHGirl
    Yes, they've all heard it before, one friend in particular. That friend, B., has reached out to me several times. Each time she hears S. do this to me, she calls to let me know that she heard it, and that she thinks it's awful, and that, like most here, she thinks it's due to jealousy, or cattiness, or whatever.

    I love nutbrownhare's approach: tilt my head to one side, look her straight in the eye, and smile.

    I hate to say this, because maybe it's catty of me to say, but I kind of hope she does say something catty on NYE in front of her new boyfriend. I want him to see her for who she is. OK, cattiness over. (evil grin....)
    One thing's for sure, she's digging her own hole and people will see right through her and her words.

    Whatever you decide to do, you can never go wrong taking the high road - whatever that may be.

    I have no doubt you'll handle yourself with class, LHGirl.

    Whatever happens, enjoy your NYE! Don't let her spoil your fun (which I'm sure you won't).

    Maybe you should say something like, "Hey ________, did you want me to get you something for your verbal diarrhea?". (so much for me taking the high road) *shrugs*

    But I would luv to say something like this ^. Lol!

    Good luck, LH!

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by milly007
    Maybe you should say something like, "Hey ________, did you want me to get you something for your verbal diarrhea?". (so much for me taking the high road) *shrugs*
    Ha!!! Love it!

    It's not just me who feels this way. S. has other friends in another friend group of hers. One person didn't speak to S. for several years, and S. never found out why. That person never did say what it was that happened, and they are now back to being cordial. Another of S.'s friends from that group has completely shut out S. now for other reasons. So it's not just me.

    I'll continue to high-road it. Darn it, I really wanted to use the "verbal diarrhea" line.

  10. #19
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    Originally Posted by LHGirl
    I'll continue to high-road it. Darn it, I really wanted to use the "verbal diarrhea" line.
    Good on you for high-roading it!

    Can't blame you for wanting to say that, though - would be pretty funny. Lol.

    I'll refrain from encouraging. Lol

  11. #20
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Forget snappy retorts, rise above that. Her catty remarks make her look bad so don't hop in the litter box with her. Simply be yourself and continue being polite and cordial and ignore her remarks. Focus on the hosts and other guests.
    Originally Posted by LHGirl
    I'm cordial to her in groups, but that's it. I just know she's going to find a way, when there's a conversation lull, to bring up something hurtful about me. I just know it. Snappy answers? Silence?

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