Girlfriend very protective over time with her own children.

Hi, 4 years post divorce, I have 3 children, GF has 2.

Been with GF now for 9 months, plus we dated a few years ago for 6 months. Just wanted your thoughts on whether a compromise can be possible, or whether sacrifices end up being made, in order that I can spend time with her and her children.....

> on occasion, not all the time, I have a lot more free time as I am in a 66/33 custody split

> we already get together as a group of 7

> if we did get together at hers, we make sure we spent time as a group of 4

She is fiercely independent, and she makes it clear she wants time when it's just her and her boys.

This is the part where I make it about me (and this is where I need you advice so I can stop being selfish)...I know I am not the kids dad however I have a great relationship with them. Raising my kids with my ex I had very little quality family time as we both worked different hours, we were ships that pass in the night. I also have no immediate family around where I live.

If you can help me understand I would be grateful and I'll no doubt change my perspective on this. If she was still with her ex, would she crave that time alone with her kids...I am not sure.

I am fine it if it worked the other way around, i.e she can to mine when I have my kids..., but I cannot project my expectations onto her, which is why I am here. Help me do better :-)

Thanks

G&O.

At 9 months in it's too soon to introduce you in her kid's life. Seems reasonable to me so far.

Why are you going after women who are so independent and prefer the ships passing in the night arrangements? Sounds like you are repeating the same pattern with your gf as with your ex wife.

If you want that family and feeling integrated, you need to choose and date a completely different kind of a personality who will welcome you in with open arms into her life and family.

What you want is not selfish as such and perfectly fine. The problem is the personalities you are choosing to date and get involved with. Independent people will be independent and will deny you the life that you crave not because they are bad, but because they themselves need that personal space. Your situation is a bit of square peg round hole....

Why are you going after women who are so independent and prefer the ships passing in the night arrangements? Sounds like you are repeating the same pattern with your gf as with your ex wife.

 

If you want that family and feeling integrated, you need to choose and date a completely different kind of a personality who will welcome you in with open arms into her life and family.

 

What you want is not selfish as such and perfectly fine. The problem is the personalities you are choosing to date and get involved with. Independent people will be independent and will deny you the life that you crave not because they are bad, but because they themselves need that personal space. Your situation is a bit of square peg round hole....

Thanks DF, great advice again.. I can understand space in so far as true individual space, i.e the time she gets alone...I am still not sure what space she has with just her kids, when she wouldn't have had that with her ex...maybe mothers do crave that, even they are with the dad still

At 9 months in it's too soon to introduce you in her kid's life. Seems reasonable to me so far.

Maybe so, but I met them 3 years ago, and now we spend nearly every other weekend as a unit of 7, we are going on holiday next year...maybe this should be enough for me I guess.

She has very little quality time left with them after all the taxiing around for this and that so maybe this is why. However, if I was to come over, I would ensure that I wouldn't go out and play soccer with her two, leaving her in the house. That would be selfish...

I'm not clear about the problem. Does she want you to spend time with her and her kids, or not? If so, is this a problem for you--are you looking for more alone time with her?

I'm not clear about the problem. Does she want you to spend time with her and her kids, or not? If so, is this a problem for you--are you looking for more alone time with her?

She just wants time with her two...I am trying to understand the deep down innate need for that.

More time with her and her 2. I really like her 2 boys and am developing a bond with them. I guess I am wondering, as long as we respect the fact we both spend time with them, and the boys attention is on both of us, and not just me (which I would imagine would be hard for her to take)...then I am struggling with the notion of why it's a bad thing for me to be around. As long as it's handled right. 2 adults who are in love, around 2 kids, what's not to like?

If the kids had mentioned they don't want me around, I'd fully respect that, wouldn't have even started the thread.

She is creating a very clear boundary between you and her and her family unit, aka her and her two boys. This is a personality who wants her space, no matter how you want to spin it. Either you can accept it and give her the space or you need to start figuring out why you engage with this personality type and look for a different personality that's less independent. The bottom line is that her need for space hurts your feelings and leaves you feeling rejected and left out. Again, you aren't wrong to feel the way that you do. The point is that some people would be happy with this arrangement and find it a relief, but you aren't that person, so it's a source of discomfort for you.

It sounds like this is not negotiable at this time. Stop pressuring, arguing, debating, pleading bargaining, etc. to try to wear her down. Give it some time to integrate more naturally rather than try hound or 'mansplain' this from your end to her. That will only result in another split, because let's face it, her kids are more important than you.

she makes it clear she wants time when it's just her and her boys.

You just see things differently. As a mother I totally understand the value of wanting one on one time with my kids. You wanting to be able to share this isn't a bad thing but it's something you need to respect.

She's compartmentalizing things. Her relationship with you, your time together as a blended group and her time alone with her kids.

I rarely brought men around my sons at all when they were still at home. For the most part kept the two entirely separate.

9 months is still really soon. Until which time you two decide to make this formal and combine the two families, I would respect her time with her kids.

If you still aren't comfortable with it, find someone who shares your view on this.

Not only is 9 months too soon, but the fact you two had a failed go at it a couple years ago would be cause for even more caution prior to involving you in her kids' lives again.

She just wants time with her two...I am trying to understand the deep down innate need for that.

 

More time with her and her 2. I really like her 2 boys and am developing a bond with them. I guess I am wondering, as long as we respect the fact we both spend time with them, and the boys attention is on both of us, and not just me (which I would imagine would be hard for her to take)...then I am struggling with the notion of why it's a bad thing for me to be around. As long as it's handled right. 2 adults who are in love, around 2 kids, what's not to like?

 

If the kids had mentioned they don't want me around, I'd fully respect that, wouldn't have even started the thread.

How old are her kids?

i think its reasonable that she spend time with them alone. They are her first priority in life.

As a child, both my parents dated, and I got less attention because of it.. I tihnk its admirable that she is trying to make sure they feel important. Kudos to her.

You kinda just need to decide if you can deal with being second on the ladder.

i will never argue with a single parent who doesn't want to expose their kids to "new partners" for a while. They have a right to manager and raise their kids and decide they don't want a "series of partners" being introduced to the kids and then disappear. I do believe single mothers think about and consider this more than single fathers - it's the whole unfortunate societal pressure females go thru in the "image" they must keep up that men don't.

As a single bachelor with no kids, I just know i have to step-aside for the kids. True, some use it as an excuse, but that's not MY call. its' their kids. And when I date a single mother i'm not just dating her, i'm dating her kids if you will (so kids always come into play).

You're just going to have to respect and wait - that's all.

Well honestly, it seems like you are looking to fill in a void in your own life with her family.

But you guys are only together 9 months. As of yet, this is not a long term thing. Of course she wants to have her own time with the kids. And she should. At less then a year in it is quite possible that you guys will break up (not saying it will, but its 50/50..early days). She has to protect her kids from getting too attached. Right now, she has her family. You are the boyfriend. You have your family and she is the girlfriend.

It seems to be that she is trying to compromise by including all the children together as well as ensuring she gets time alone with her boys. This seems very fair and yet you want more. Take it easy.

I don’t think you are “wrong”, but I think you need to slow your roll.

Just as an example - with my most recent ex, i had a great relationship with his kids. They liked me, we spent tons of time together - but there was still stuff that they wanted/needed to talk to just their father about. For example, when his son was being bullied at school. Or when his daughter was suffering from depression. It’s not that they didn’t want me to know per se - but they needed that bit of quiet time alone with dad to be able to open up and be vulnerable in that way. That’s not about the parent’s feelings for you. It’s not about the child’s feelings for you. It’s about the child’s comfort level with being vulnerable with their parent.

You are right that maybe that would not be required with both bio parents (but sometimes that’s true too).

I think it’s important for the dynamic to have all those things:

Alone time

Couple time

Parent/child time

Blended family time

They are all unique and serve their own purposes. Maybe eventually, with time, some of these things can be combined... but really... that could take years. The reality is, you are not a parent. You are also not a step-parent. And these things take time. It’s about the child’s need for alone time with each parent.

Honestly? I think that either you need to back off a bit to allow space for her children or date someone who does not have kids.

To have all of her children’s time as “blended family” time and no time alone with just bio parent(s) is... well... not very nice...

I don’t think you are “wrong”, but I think you need to slow your roll.

 

Just as an example - with my most recent ex, i had a great relationship with his kids. They liked me, we spent tons of time together - but there was still stuff that they wanted/needed to talk to just their father about. For example, when his son was being bullied at school. Or when his daughter was suffering from depression. It’s not that they didn’t want me to know per se - but they needed that bit of quiet time alone with dad to be able to open up and be vulnerable in that way. That’s not about the parent’s feelings for you. It’s not about the child’s feelings for you. It’s about the child’s comfort level with being vulnerable with their parent.

 

You are right that maybe that would not be required with both bio parents (but sometimes that’s true too).

 

I think it’s important for the dynamic to have all those things:

Alone time

Couple time

Parent/child time

Blended family time

 

They are all unique and serve their own purposes. Maybe eventually, with time, some of these things can be combined... but really... that could take years. The reality is, you are not a parent. You are also not a step-parent. And these things take time. It’s about the child’s need for alone time with each parent.

 

Honestly? I think that either you need to back off a bit to allow space for her children or date someone who does not have kids.

 

To have all of her children’s time as “blended family” time and no time alone with just bio parent(s) is... well... not very nice...

I 100% agree with this.

While it sounds like you all get along (which is great by the way) at the end of the day you are not their dad, you guys haven't been together that long, and her kids want their mom to themselves once in awhile which is totally normal and perfectly acceptable. Your GF is doing the right thing by setting boundaries and by putting her kids and their needs first.

You sound very needy and clingy & that would be a huge turn off for me!

I always set aside time alone with my kids even when I was in a relationship. It was important to me to ensure my kids knew they were number one, no matter how involved I may have been in a dating situation.

All of this is awesome advice and has already changed my perspective on it. That's all I needed, was to understand more. I will slow my roll. Thanks!

She just wants time with her two...I am trying to understand the deep down innate need for that.

 

More time with her and her 2. I really like her 2 boys and am developing a bond with them. I guess I am wondering, as long as we respect the fact we both spend time with them, and the boys attention is on both of us, and not just me (which I would imagine would be hard for her to take)...then I am struggling with the notion of why it's a bad thing for me to be around. As long as it's handled right. 2 adults who are in love, around 2 kids, what's not to like?

 

If the kids had mentioned they don't want me around, I'd fully respect that, wouldn't have even started the thread.

Kids bond quickly, and that puts them in danger of having the rug pulled out from under them--again--unless and until their mother is certain that your relationship is a forever thing. But how can she be sure of that when she hasn't even stabilized herself?

There's no way I would let a new partner anywhere near my daughter for at least a year. The fact that you have even met her kids should be enough at this point. Slow down. She's thinking of what's best for her children. They come first.

My parents were/are happily married.

Growing up, there were some things we did with just dad, some with just mom. My dad and i shared a common interest - my dad and i would do this activity without mom, without siblings - my siblings would be bored by it. There were things mom, me and my sister would do together - bra shoppig, lunch after - dad was NOT invited. No way. Even if you were married and these were your children, it would be GOOD and NORMAL for kids to have one on one time with one parent at times.

you said yourself, you get together with all the kids at times --- you are interacting with her kids and yours at the same time

So when she has scheduled stuff with her kids - why not do something with YOUR kids - or sometimes when you have your kids and she is actually available - do something JUST with your children.

you need to spend time with just them without your kids, too

My parents were/are happily married.

Growing up, there were some things we did with just dad, some with just mom. My dad and i shared a common interest - my dad and i would do this activity without mom, without siblings - my siblings would be bored by it. There were things mom, me and my sister would do together - bra shoppig, lunch after - dad was NOT invited. No way. Even if you were married and these were your children, it would be GOOD and NORMAL for kids to have one on one time with one parent at times.

 

you said yourself, you get together with all the kids at times --- you are interacting with her kids and yours at the same time

So when she has scheduled stuff with her kids - why not do something with YOUR kids - or sometimes when you have your kids and she is actually available - do something JUST with your children.

you need to spend time with just them without your kids, too

I do do this already, in the 33% of the time I can have my boys...

The threads been really helpful, I didn't make it clear we are in an LDR, and I was only after the possibility of being with her and kids once a month (if it was more than that, I'd get the needy vibe)....however the thread has helped me understand and accept that if it can't happen, it can't happen,

I do do this already, in the 33% of the time I can have my boys...

 

The threads been really helpful, I didn't make it clear we are in an LDR, and I was only after the possibility of being with her and kids once a month (if it was more than that, I'd get the needy vibe)....however the thread has helped me understand and accept that if it can't happen, it can't happen,

Yup. It is not about you getting "parenting time" with her kids. you said you were LDR but i thought i read its been only 9 months? Maybe i read incorrectly.