Things are getting better and worse?

Hi, thankyou in advance to any help given. To start I'll give some background, me and my ex-girlfriend broke up two months ago, we were together for 10 months and it was going brilliantly until we started fighting almost every day and we eventually broke up. I gave her two months of no contact (I highly advise not using no contact, especially for this long) desperately hoping it would work but it didn't, it made things much worse, she went out with another person but it didn't last very long, since she has been going out almost every weekend, especially recently. After the two months were up, I decided to contact her again, it looked like she did want me back and I was making progress quickly, she told me she missed me and we had an amazing call for two or so hours. But then I messed up and spilled my guts to her, begging her to come back, this of course just pushed her away. Now it's been two weeks since and I keep getting lots of mixed signals, I was able to become reasonably good friends with her, and I have flirted a little bit. The problem I have is that she says she doesn't want me flirting with her, and I don't know what to do, she has picked up on it twice, once she told me that she didn't want to flirt with me because it would be a bad idea, as she wasn't over me, she then flirted with me in person via touching and a little language but proceeded to go out the same night and make out with another guy. And the other time she just turned it into a joke. What I need help with is how to get her to want to flirt with me and how I can complete the rest of the process to getting her back, she means the world to me but she just seems to be slipping further and further away.

You can’t really make her do anything, OP. She needs to want to be with you, on her own volition. There’s only so much you can do; the vast majority of it is up to her.

I don’t think she’s genuinely interested in trying again, based on what you have written. Her interest level is low. Respect her wishes and don’t flirt with her. In fact, take a huge step back and see what she does without any prompting from you. If she doesn’t come looking for you, you need to accept that it’s well and truly over.

Sorry to hear this. What were the fights and break up about? Has any of that been resolved? Stop flirting with her. In what contexts are you seeing her in person when she is "making out with another guy"? Do you see each other at school or in bars/clubs, parties? Pull back and don't land in the friendzone by continually talking to her.

we were together for 10 months and it was going brilliantly until we started fighting almost every day and we eventually broke up.

 

she says she doesn't want me flirting with her. proceeded to go out the same night and make out with another guy.

Thanks for a reply, the fights were just about silly little things that didn't actually matter. But the issues have been solved on both sides. And I have heard about what she was doing from a close friend who talks to her, it's a little hard to explain but basicaly he knows everything about everyone so she doesn't suspect. I see her almost every day at school, where every now and then it seems like she does want to get back, she has looked nervous in a way I can only describe as how she was when we first met and we were falling in love. She has flirted with me before at school, and today even where we chatted and joked and play fought for almost an hour. It's like she has two personalities, one that does want me back and one that doesn't. I wrote the first post while feeling very down, so it's not quite as bad as it may seem. I have already started what you said about pulling back, I don't talk to her every day now and when I do, I keep it short and try to get in a little flirtatious conversation when I can. Last time I did that, she texted me a couple days later and we got to talking again.

Hi, thankyou in advance to any help given. To start I'll give some background, me and my ex-girlfriend broke up two months ago, we were together for 10 months and it was going brilliantly until we started fighting almost every day and we eventually broke up. I gave her two months of no contact (I highly advise not using no contact, especially for this long) desperately hoping it would work but it didn't

Hello! So I would first like to add as someone who is also in the same time line of break ups right now (Almost 2 months post BU) and hoping to reconcile I do agree there are some red flags. First you said 2 months of NC was too long but 2 months is barely enough time. Trust me I've been told numerous amounts of times that NC is suppose to be for yourself, and 2 months pot BU is still going to be hard. As for you saying it made things worse, it wasn't the NC that did that it was just that you stated you guys were fighting everyday, even if it was little things, fighting everyday for a period of time is not healthy :( so I think you need to address that issue?

So I think right now you made another big mistake post NC which was beg for her. I begged for my ex the first time we broke up and he was highly turned off and blocked me. So I think now she sees that she has a lot of power and therefore may be taking advantage of the fact that you begged even after NC. It seemed like it was working in the sense that when you did reach out she was welcoming and said she missed you but alas the begging that we've all done for the ones we loved.

I think right now she is just enjoying the single life hence why she's going out more and making out with men while she's out. A lot of people do this esp so soon after the break up. Who knows maybe after some time she'll realize it isn't what she wants but for now she has made it clear post NC she isn't interested right now so I'm really sorry OP. I understand you have mixed emotions but my best advice is and many may disagree but if you do think the breakup wasn't that serious go back into NC for a while. Work on your happiness and give her time to see what she feels and wants. She may even wonder why you cut all contact again so do what's best for you and be happy!

OP, how old are you both?

She is 18 as of recent, which may be why she's going out so much.

I'm 17 almost 18 but I still have a few months till I can go out to clubs xD

As for the No Contact approach, I completely understand about it, but I just feel that I can't leave it much longer, I believe that starting NC for another month or so will help her move on (which is apparently what it was deisgned for in the first place), the internet seems divided over this subject, so I'm going to go with the logical approach in my mind (I have scoured the internet for hours looking for a better way)

I am trying to do a sort of no-contact, in which I only talk to her when she messages me or speaks to me, or if I have something actually important to say and feel that I can make her feel positive when I'm around. I know I was over texting her and this was just pushing her away from me, so hopefully this helps.

I think I know what I'm supposed to do from now on, I tried it today and she seems to very slowly be coming back, and I think I'm making my way out of the friend-zone. I am only comparing it to what it was like talking to her since no contact ended, which was about a month ago now, and I can say that I am almost 100% sure I have made it atleast to the 'neutral' point. As such, I will take a few days off from this site to see what happens, as most of these replies make me feel absolutely terrible haha. I will post an update on how it goes, but thankyou everyone for the advice, even if I didn't take it

.As such, I will take a few days off from this site to see what happens, as most of these replies make me feel absolutely terrible haha. I will post an update on how it goes, but thankyou everyone for the advice, even if I didn't take it

I'm terribly sorry if this is how you feel :( I wish nothing but happiness in your journey moving forward with your ex. As they say "no two snowflakes are exactly alike" and this applies to relationships. Only you know what's best for it. So if you believe NC wasn't right then that's okay! I only warned against not taking it because the first time my now-current ex broke up with me I reached out literally a day later and we got back together about a week later with limited contact but 2 months later we are now in a really bad breakup and therefore I think had I did NC that first time we both would have grown and we would have worked it out. Just know regardless of what happens at the end you'll be stronger and happier. Good luck!

No contact is to help you move on, not a tactic to get the person back.

I'm terribly sorry if this is how you feel :( I wish nothing but happiness in your journey moving forward with your ex. As they say "no two snowflakes are exactly alike" and this applies to relationships. Only you know what's best for it. So if you believe NC wasn't right then that's okay! I only warned against not taking it because the first time my now-current ex broke up with me I reached out literally a day later and we got back together about a week later with limited contact but 2 months later we are now in a really bad breakup and therefore I think had I did NC that first time we both would have grown and we would have worked it out. Just know regardless of what happens at the end you'll be stronger and happier. Good luck!

The problem is not you going no contact the second time, but the fact that you broke up a second time. No one who really wants to be with someone breaks up, much less a second time. You should date someone who doesn't break up with you - if they do - then you leave and find someone new. You don't come back for seconds

The problem is not you going no contact the second time, but the fact that you broke up a second time. No one who really wants to be with someone breaks up, much less a second time. You should date someone who doesn't break up with you - if they do - then you leave and find someone new. You don't come back for seconds

I understand you think you are trying to help but simply saying "leave and find someone new" "you ex isn't going to come back for seconds", or even people who say just move on. You know the old saying some things are easier said than done. Also I stated in my post that I am barely two months fresh out of the break up so yeah I need some time before I can even try.

Also this isn't my thread, and so I am not going to talk about it here as the OP should be the one getting the advice. But I'll elaborate. Yes it would be nice if I had more self love to just leave my ex the first time he broke up with me. However I texted him a day later asking how he was doing, funny enough in my mind at that point I did it because I genuinely cared about him and I was the one who was horrible to him. So when I texted him reconciliation wasn't on my mind. Long-story short we had a reconciliation a week later (but like I said it was way too soon) and a month after that day he would constantly tell me how he was so happy that we did. So getting back together after a break up isn't always a horrible thing and I don't even for once regret getting back with my ex the first time.

I hope this clears that up.

Also I'd like to quickly add this forum is literally dedicated to people who want or have gotten back together as it is called "Getting back together" so YES I KNOW FOR THE 100TH TIME NC IS MEANT FOR YOU AND NO ONE ELSE. But for those who do want to get back with their ex in the future I advice NC before trying to get back together with an ex too soon because as you can see my relationship failed due to the fact I didn't give myself time to better myself or grow. I wouldn't want anyone else to go through this so that's why.

I don't mean to come across as bitter or upset I guess I've been stressed out but I felt the need to explain. I hope you have a wonderful day

To update, I need more advice aha. I think things are going really well. She seems to be flirting with me, be interested in me and for the last three (I think) days or so, she has come over and sat next to me or atleast tried to be near me whenever we were in the same room. When I was playing a game with a few friends on a Nintendo switch, she spent the whole time enjoying it and having fun, leaning over and pushing the buttons on my controller, but when I was over in a different corner the next day, she only played it for a couple minutes then came over to me, said she didn’t like the game and spent 2 hours sat next to me. I’ve done what I think is flirting, it’s mostly involves play fighting, stabbing each other’s stomachs, tickling, it’s better than it sounds, trust me 😂. She has climbed over me, which I feel kinda weird saying, but it was not in a friendly kinda way more of... you know (I touched her butt accidentally when she did😂), she did it twice too. So, are things actually getting better? I still feel like I might be getting lead on or she’s just being REALLY close friends. She seems so interested in me and there seems to be a lot of in person flirting again that is lasting but it’s so hard to tell (I don’t really know what is flirting and what isn’t) and I don’t want to assume things and push her away.

Also, I’m sorry to hear about what is happening with you and your ex. I think I might be able to help so if I see a post, I’ll try my best to offer some advice, but as you said, you might want your own post for that.

Ask her out one-on-one to determine if it's friendly fun or interest.

Ask her out one-on-one to determine if it's friendly fun or interest.

Just tried to, but she's busy this weekend. I will try again next, thankyou.

Hi guys, quick update.

I feel exactly the same as the title says, things are getting better and worse again. I did a lot of reading about the subject and heard about a 'grass is greener' break up which seems to be somewhat similar to what I have, but I need help identifying it, because from everything I've read, she shouldn't tell me that she misses me and she shouldn't give any hints about liking me. I have the feeling that she might want me but not for a relationship, she keeps saying she likes being single, and I can tell that she loves her life of freedom, yet when the time is right, she flirts with me. I've come up with a very basic theory, but I need a second opinion with it. I think she wants to have sex, she doesn't really have the opportunity to do it with anyone else and when we were together, especially at the end, she wanted to do it a lot, we never really got to experience it fully, as she said it hurt too much whenever we tried. So, would it be a good idea to become '-buddies' with her, both for the pleasure and the chance to get her to see that the grass is not as green as it looked, which may, in my mind, bring her back into a relationship with me, even if it were not a proper relationship, even if it's one of those open relationship type deals. I'm completely open to that idea too, so I don't feel bad about it.

But even if I did go about this path, how would I ask her? Do I straight up just ask her, when I feel like the moment is right, or do I try and get her to hang out with me and then if things lead to a make-out or more, ask to 'take things further' etc.

I'm just so lost, everytime I feel like I'm making progress, I learn something else that makes sense, and it changes how I look at the situation. I think she's set right now on not being in a relationship, with anyone, but from what I've read, this can be overcome, rather easily too, it just needs some time and effort.

When someone really wants to be with you, you won't need to do this much work to convince them to be with you, OP.

Your plan to demote yourself to FWB is not a good one. She won't suddenly recognize your value when you don't value yourself.

She didn't want sex with you because "it hurt too much", (or it was not satisfying in her mind) so she of course backed out and stopped. Your "theories" seem to depict what you would like to see happen, instead of what is happening.

For example why would she want to be fbuddies with someone she didn't even enjoy sex with? Also it seems to be in your imagination that becoming fbuddies and showing her this "great time" (even though she stopped trying because "it hurt too much" and there may have been bad technique) that this will draw her back to you from this supposed "greener grass".

You really only have 2 choices. Ask her out on a date or accept the friendzone. How ever since she broke up with you because of chronic fighting and bad sex and explicitly asked to to stop flirting with her, option one seems highly unlikely.

-she keeps saying she likes being single

-she said it hurt too much whenever we tried.

Yeah, I have been a bit stupid by assuming that, you're right about my theories, I'm over analysing everything, reading too much and it's not helping me, to be honest, neither is this thread. I will update if I do ever get her back, thankyou for the help everyone. I believe in myself, and I feel very confident, I can feel that I am making progress, I know what to do, and even though when I'm feeling down, I come here to beg for help, it makes things worse.

I'm just so lost, everytime I feel like I'm making progress, I learn something else that makes sense, and it changes how I look at the situation. I think she's set right now on not being in a relationship, with anyone, but from what I've read, this can be overcome, rather easily too, it just needs some time and effort.

You're not lost and while you've admitted that you're over analyzing things, its natural. Your're evaluating data and having to make decisions about how to move forward based upon what you rationally know is what the state of the way things are/will be vs. what you emotionally wish for. We've all been there.

FWB is going back to the table for left overs. From your description of her behavior, in a narcissistic way, she loves the attention and knowledge that she still has you as an option to use as a hookup when it suits her terms. Because she senses your feelings and hope for a second chance, she will exploit this when it suits her. Does that seem fair to you? Does this make you feel valued? If you agree to FWB, that's all you'll ever be. Know it.

Since most of the advice is to go no contact, its tough to do when you're trying to come to grips with a new reality that you didn't want. I was once where you are now and it hell for me and it took a long time to truly commit to the process without maintaining some form of "orbit" around my ex when she had clearly moved on. Once you get some time and distance away from her, your focus will eventually change toward yourself.

Bobman: I haven't read your whole story, but I can tell you that when you don't have a pile of other things going on in your like (workload, school, outside activities and responsibilities), no contact is much harder. I had a light workload and when I finally realized that no contact was finally working it's "magic", I had changed jobs, accepted harder professional challenges, bought a new house with a ton of infrastructure issues,etc. At the end of the day, I realized that I didn't have the energy to care about what my ex was doing and that I had more important things to worry about than a fantasy of reconciliation with someone who was gone in every way.

The fantasy of reconciliation never is as good as starting something new with someone who really wants you in their lives - not someone who wants FWB.