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Red flag or not?


Annia

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So I've been dating this guy for 1 month and a half. I've posted a little bit about it on another thread.

 

We're both on our late twenties. We're usually together 2 times a week and I love being with him. Even with my language limitations I feel that we have a great time together. We haven't "discussed the relationship" yet and we've been keeping it light and breezy, but I've decided that it was time to start asking some questions, see if we have the same goals and are on the same page. I have a little trouble with this type of communication and since he hasn't initiated this type of conversation I decided it was time.

 

So the other day I asked him when was the last time he was in a relationship (I don't want rebound relationships and stuff) and he answered little uncomfortably that he never had a serious relationship before and when I asked him when was the last time he was with someone (besides me) he said vaguely "a long time ago". Then I asked him if the reason for never having had a serious relationship was because he wasn't interested in that and didn't want or for other reasons and he said that it simply never happened maybe due to timing. He was a bit vague and again a little uncomfortable answering this.

 

Should I take this as a red flag to the possibility of having a relationship with him in the future? I like him a lot but I'm still getting to know him so it's too soon for decisions yet.

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I don't see this as a red flag.

 

Just sounds pretty classically (20something) male, on the communication front: a bit skittish, a bit stunted. I understand it's a bit frustrating, as you'd generally like some information, and particularly would like to know you're with someone capable of expressing himself, sharing, and so on.

 

But it's early. You're having a great time. Keep doing that and, hopefully, that vagueness becomes more clear and that discomfort of his wanes.

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Perhaps he's a bit embarrassed to not have had a relationship with anyone, ever. He may not want to admit that so he makes it look like it's been a long while. I dont see it as a red flag.

 

I was more talking about him never having had a serious relationship. I thought it could show that he doesn't want/ can't commit or is more looking for casual relationships. But it might not have happened for timing reasons or not having met the right person so it might not be a red flag by itself. Maybe his lack of experience when it comes to serious relationships is also what makes him more closed off to talk about these things and give vague answers or not wanting to talk much about it.

 

I think next time I'll try to talk about him about us and try to understand where he wants things to go in the future. He doesn't treat me like something casual though through his actions when he's with me.

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Well, is he showing you signs of not being able to commit? You've been dating him for a month and a half, how are things going? Or are you just looking for a reason to bail out of your relationship? What is happening that made you ask him about his previous relationships? Maybe you need to guide him and tell him what you need him to do. My first girlfriend told me it was obvious that I hadn't had a girlfriend before, but she never told me what she wanted me to do differently. So what is he doing that makes you think that having previous relationships is important.

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It depends if you are happy with him or not. If you are trying to rule him out or determine if he is a player because of some other problem then this line of questioning may reveal some issues. However you say he treats you well, not like flavor of the month?

 

It also depend why you want this information. Are you just curious? Are you trying to "connect" by having relationship talks? Are you playing a defensive game where whatever dating history or lack thereof gives you a reason to not get involved?

 

In his mind he may feel you are trying to find fault or start an breakup. "Relationship talks" are not for curiosity, entertainment, "connecting", etc because this line of questioning is a bit invasive and seems to want to pry out whatever "defects" he has.

 

Take a deep breath and notice how he treats you. Do not go by rule books or whatever latest article online about men and "red flags".

I think next time I'll try to talk about him about us and try to understand where he wants things to go in the future. He doesn't treat me like something casual though through his actions when he's with me.

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Well, I mean how old are you both? If a guy is in his 40's and has never had a serious relationship, yeah, it's a red flag. If a guy is in is 20's - that's quite normal. So some of this is relative and not some kind of a black and white situation.

 

Why not actually ask what you really want to know instead of this kind of passive aggressive questioning and then judging? If you want to talk exclusivity, then address it directly. If you want to know if he sees long term relationship potential with you, ask. Keep in mind that even if you talk about these things, it doesn't guarantee anything, but still. Address directly what's actually on your mind. Life is so much easier that way.

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It depends if you are happy with him or not. If you are trying to rule him out or determine if he is a player because of some other problem then this line of questioning may reveal some issues. However you say he treats you well, not like flavor of the month?

 

It also depend why you want this information. Are you just curious? Are you trying to "connect" by having relationship talks? Are you playing a defensive game where whatever dating history or lack thereof gives you a reason to not get involved?

 

In his mind he may feel you are trying to find fault or start an breakup. "Relationship talks" are not for curiosity, entertainment, "connecting", etc because this line of questioning is a bit invasive and seems to want to pry out whatever "defects" he has.

 

Take a deep breath and notice how he treats you. Do not go by rule books or whatever latest article online about men and "red flags".

 

I think I asked to gauge on the potential of a relationship between us and to have a general idea of his dating past. But I'm afraid and I'll agree that the way I asked was too abrupt and it might have seemed invasive like you said. I think I'll sit back and relax and stop these kinds of talk. I don't know if I want a relationship with him yet or not and we're still getting to know each other and having fun so I guess it's not the right timing for this kind of talk. I should let him talk about this stuff when and if he wants.

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Well, I mean how old are you both? If a guy is in his 40's and has never had a serious relationship, yeah, it's a red flag. If a guy is in is 20's - that's quite normal. So some of this is relative and not some kind of a black and white situation.

 

Why not actually ask what you really want to know instead of this kind of passive aggressive questioning and then judging? If you want to talk exclusivity, then address it directly. If you want to know if he sees long term relationship potential with you, ask. Keep in mind that even if you talk about these things, it doesn't guarantee anything, but still. Address directly what's actually on your mind. Life is so much easier that way.

 

We're both on our late twenties.

 

I don't think I was being passive aggressive but I confess that I sometimes have some problems being direct about what I want and my boundaries and standards. I think it's maybe too soon for relationship talk but I'll try to address it directly when I feel that it's time. I hope he didn't feel I was judging him or looking for something wrong. It wasn't my intention.

 

I think that I'm going through a stage of "excessive compensation for my past mistakes", where I end up overreacting and over thinking things just because I'm afraid of making a mistake or overlooking red flags like in the past. But I know I need to relax, go with the flow and be direct when I have to be.

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I think that I'm going through a stage of "excessive compensation for my past mistakes", where I end up overreacting and over thinking things just because I'm afraid of making a mistake or overlooking red flags like in the past. But I know I need to relax, go with the flow and be direct when I have to be.

 

lolol excessive compensation ...I know just what you mean .

 

Annia it isn't all bad to think that way ...you know what you don't want ...you have learnt by past mistakes , you don't want a repeat performance , it is all good and healthy ..the whole point is to learn from the past BS .... just chill now a little and know you have done a good job in recognising what you don't want .

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We're both on our late twenties.

 

I don't think I was being passive aggressive but I confess that I sometimes have some problems being direct about what I want and my boundaries and standards. I think it's maybe too soon for relationship talk but I'll try to address it directly when I feel that it's time. I hope he didn't feel I was judging him or looking for something wrong. It wasn't my intention.

 

I think that I'm going through a stage of "excessive compensation for my past mistakes", where I end up overreacting and over thinking things just because I'm afraid of making a mistake or overlooking red flags like in the past. But I know I need to relax, go with the flow and be direct when I have to be.

 

Here is the thing. If you don't want to share multiple partners and diseases, you need to address sexual exclusivity and where the other person stands before you sleep with them and there is no magic time frame for that. If that's a first date and you plan to take him home into your bed, then you need to talk about it right there and then. If it's many dates down the road, you still need to talk about it and be sure you are on the same page.

 

If you are looking for a long term relationship, then NO you shouldn't just go with the flow just because you are having fun. You should talk, ask, listen to what his future plans are, both immediate and long term. Of course, just because the guy tells you that he is looking for a serious relationship, it doesn't mean with you. However, you need to ask what he is looking for, where he is at in life and then listen. When you do that, he may well tell you that in six months he is going on a trip around the world, or he is just looking to have some fun, etc. When you ask where he is at and where he is going, it will clue you in on whether he is worth spending your time on or not. If you are looking for a potentially serious relationship and you hear that he is not looking for that at large, then you know to move on.

 

After a month and a half and seeing each other as often as you do, you should have a direct talk about where you are at and what this is. It's not too soon. Someone who is truly all into you and wants what you want, will be thrilled you brought it up and simply confirm that he is on the same page. Someone who isn't on the same page, better that you know now. Just be direct about and ask what is actually on your mind.

 

Sounds like this guy has no relationship/dating experience, which....doesn't mean that much in your 20's, even late 20's. So don't take it as a red flag, but do understand that if you have more baggage and dating experience than he does, you'll need to lead because he doesn't know any better.

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Honestly, my first impression with your post is that this guy is likely sexually inexperienced/generally inexperienced with women or is coming off a long dry spell. I would not assume the worst. I would continue going out with him and if you enjoy his presence, keep giving him the benefit of the doubt until he gives you a reason not to.

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Honestly, my first impression with your post is that this guy is likely sexually inexperienced/generally inexperienced with women or is coming off a long dry spell. I would not assume the worst. I would continue going out with him and if you enjoy his presence, keep giving him the benefit of the doubt until he gives you a reason not to.

 

This was exactly what I thought.

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Hi Annia,

 

I'll pass along one of the biggest lessons I've learned in life. That is - words are cheap. Especially in dating and love. Anybody and everybody can SAY whatever they want for many reasons that may not be anchored on truth. Whether it be purposely misleading and lying, or just not sure themselves, or just too shy and not good with confrontation (typical with peopel who have not had many serious relationships or are younger).

 

Words are cheap. Words are meaningless.

ACTIONS and BEHAVIORS - that's where the truth lies.

 

So if you want your answers - pay attention to his ACTIONS and how he behaves - not what he says. Come back with what you notice as his consistent actions towrds you and others and you will have your answer.

 

Then again.. it's not even 2 months - it just may be too soon or you are too inexperienced to know that quickly as you learn about love (or he learns about love).

 

Good luck.

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You asked if it's considered a red flag if he's never been in a relationship before. At his age (late 20's), no, I wouldn't consider that a red flag.

 

I'd consider it an orange flag in his late 30's, and a glaring red flag in his late 40's. But in his 20's? No.

 

I'd appreciate his honesty and openness if I were you. He could have told you anything he thought you wanted to hear, but he told you the truth. Good for him.

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You asked if it's considered a red flag if he's never been in a relationship before. At his age (late 20's), no, I wouldn't consider that a red flag.

 

I'd consider it an orange flag in his late 30's, and a glaring red flag in his late 40's. But in his 20's? No.

 

I'd appreciate his honesty and openness if I were you. He could have told you anything he thought you wanted to hear, but he told you the truth. Good for him.

 

I agree. I was seriously involved with two people who weren't in serious relationships until well into their 20s. They both were great at communication and all the other important stuff because even though they'd never been in serious romantic relationships they had lots of experience in friendships, etc. I would be concerned if a guy in his 20s had had multiple one night stands and was promiscuous as a preference because that personally would not have worked for me -the underlying values of that lifestyle.

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It really depends...

 

My cousin's best friend who is a male my the age of 29 had never been in a "serious" relationship.

 

He dated on girl long term on and off it his early 20s but never lived with her. Then after that be has just been a bit of a "player".

 

Now at 29 he met a girl... If she asked him if he has a serious relationship he would have said no as technically he hasn't. The last girl he dated like her was many many years ago.

 

Fast forward three years they are still together and bought a house and everything.

 

So is it a red flag? I don't think so. You can only guage it on how he is now with you. As you can't really base it on his past. As many people grow up and decide they want a serious relationship after feeling empty from playing the feild.

 

Good luck with it. Early days yet so just take it so and try and continue to her to know him.

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Honestly, my first impression with your post is that this guy is likely sexually inexperienced/generally inexperienced with women or is coming off a long dry spell. I would not assume the worst. I would continue going out with him and if you enjoy his presence, keep giving him the benefit of the doubt until he gives you a reason not to.

 

I thought this too.

 

And it's kinda funny you were getting ready to find fault with his situation due to - in your words- overcompensation after a past relationship you had .

He doesn't have any obvious baggage and you are thinking ' why not? What's wrong with him??' Lol

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