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Thread: Red flag or not?

  1. #11
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Annia
    We're both on our late twenties.

    I don't think I was being passive aggressive but I confess that I sometimes have some problems being direct about what I want and my boundaries and standards. I think it's maybe too soon for relationship talk but I'll try to address it directly when I feel that it's time. I hope he didn't feel I was judging him or looking for something wrong. It wasn't my intention.

    I think that I'm going through a stage of "excessive compensation for my past mistakes", where I end up overreacting and over thinking things just because I'm afraid of making a mistake or overlooking red flags like in the past. But I know I need to relax, go with the flow and be direct when I have to be.
    Here is the thing. If you don't want to share multiple partners and diseases, you need to address sexual exclusivity and where the other person stands before you sleep with them and there is no magic time frame for that. If that's a first date and you plan to take him home into your bed, then you need to talk about it right there and then. If it's many dates down the road, you still need to talk about it and be sure you are on the same page.

    If you are looking for a long term relationship, then NO you shouldn't just go with the flow just because you are having fun. You should talk, ask, listen to what his future plans are, both immediate and long term. Of course, just because the guy tells you that he is looking for a serious relationship, it doesn't mean with you. However, you need to ask what he is looking for, where he is at in life and then listen. When you do that, he may well tell you that in six months he is going on a trip around the world, or he is just looking to have some fun, etc. When you ask where he is at and where he is going, it will clue you in on whether he is worth spending your time on or not. If you are looking for a potentially serious relationship and you hear that he is not looking for that at large, then you know to move on.

    After a month and a half and seeing each other as often as you do, you should have a direct talk about where you are at and what this is. It's not too soon. Someone who is truly all into you and wants what you want, will be thrilled you brought it up and simply confirm that he is on the same page. Someone who isn't on the same page, better that you know now. Just be direct about and ask what is actually on your mind.

    Sounds like this guy has no relationship/dating experience, which....doesn't mean that much in your 20's, even late 20's. So don't take it as a red flag, but do understand that if you have more baggage and dating experience than he does, you'll need to lead because he doesn't know any better.

  2. #12
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    Honestly, my first impression with your post is that this guy is likely sexually inexperienced/generally inexperienced with women or is coming off a long dry spell. I would not assume the worst. I would continue going out with him and if you enjoy his presence, keep giving him the benefit of the doubt until he gives you a reason not to.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by HealingLight
    Honestly, my first impression with your post is that this guy is likely sexually inexperienced/generally inexperienced with women or is coming off a long dry spell. I would not assume the worst. I would continue going out with him and if you enjoy his presence, keep giving him the benefit of the doubt until he gives you a reason not to.
    This was exactly what I thought.

  4. #14
    Gold Member thisisrichey's Avatar
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    Hi Annia,

    I'll pass along one of the biggest lessons I've learned in life. That is - words are cheap. Especially in dating and love. Anybody and everybody can SAY whatever they want for many reasons that may not be anchored on truth. Whether it be purposely misleading and lying, or just not sure themselves, or just too shy and not good with confrontation (typical with peopel who have not had many serious relationships or are younger).

    Words are cheap. Words are meaningless.
    ACTIONS and BEHAVIORS - that's where the truth lies.

    So if you want your answers - pay attention to his ACTIONS and how he behaves - not what he says. Come back with what you notice as his consistent actions towrds you and others and you will have your answer.

    Then again.. it's not even 2 months - it just may be too soon or you are too inexperienced to know that quickly as you learn about love (or he learns about love).

    Good luck.

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  6. #15
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    You asked if it's considered a red flag if he's never been in a relationship before. At his age (late 20's), no, I wouldn't consider that a red flag.

    I'd consider it an orange flag in his late 30's, and a glaring red flag in his late 40's. But in his 20's? No.

    I'd appreciate his honesty and openness if I were you. He could have told you anything he thought you wanted to hear, but he told you the truth. Good for him.

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by LHGirl
    You asked if it's considered a red flag if he's never been in a relationship before. At his age (late 20's), no, I wouldn't consider that a red flag.

    I'd consider it an orange flag in his late 30's, and a glaring red flag in his late 40's. But in his 20's? No.

    I'd appreciate his honesty and openness if I were you. He could have told you anything he thought you wanted to hear, but he told you the truth. Good for him.
    I agree. I was seriously involved with two people who weren't in serious relationships until well into their 20s. They both were great at communication and all the other important stuff because even though they'd never been in serious romantic relationships they had lots of experience in friendships, etc. I would be concerned if a guy in his 20s had had multiple one night stands and was promiscuous as a preference because that personally would not have worked for me -the underlying values of that lifestyle.

  8. 12-11-2018, 01:15 AM

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  10. 12-11-2018, 01:23 AM

  11. #17
    Silver Member Jellybean9's Avatar
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    It really depends...

    My cousin's best friend who is a male my the age of 29 had never been in a "serious" relationship.

    He dated on girl long term on and off it his early 20s but never lived with her. Then after that be has just been a bit of a "player".

    Now at 29 he met a girl... If she asked him if he has a serious relationship he would have said no as technically he hasn't. The last girl he dated like her was many many years ago.

    Fast forward three years they are still together and bought a house and everything.

    So is it a red flag? I don't think so. You can only guage it on how he is now with you. As you can't really base it on his past. As many people grow up and decide they want a serious relationship after feeling empty from playing the feild.

    Good luck with it. Early days yet so just take it so and try and continue to her to know him.

  12. #18
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by HealingLight
    Honestly, my first impression with your post is that this guy is likely sexually inexperienced/generally inexperienced with women or is coming off a long dry spell. I would not assume the worst. I would continue going out with him and if you enjoy his presence, keep giving him the benefit of the doubt until he gives you a reason not to.
    I thought this too.

    And it's kinda funny you were getting ready to find fault with his situation due to - in your words- overcompensation after a past relationship you had .
    He doesn't have any obvious baggage and you are thinking ' why not? What's wrong with him??' Lol

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