Brother's Wife- Family Isolation

This is a long and complex story about my brother’s wife and her & his relationship with our family, but to hopefully keep it simple here are some key highlights

- My brother, before meeting his wife, was an isolated person. He worked a job, lived at home, and spent his free time playing D&D or online video games. He never had a girlfriend in high school or after, that I was aware of. In Sept. 2013 he met a girl online and went on a date. Soon thereafter he introduced her to the family as his girlfriend. She had just moved to our area to be with her mother after living out of state and was working at a bank. She seemed like a nice enough person although had a very high opinion of herself. For example at Thanksgiving 2013, she claimed to manage Adam Sandler’s money… as a bank teller

- When they met my brother was in-process of buying a house near to my parents. He closed on the house in Nov 2013 and she moved in with him. By Christmas (2013) he was planning on proposing. My family was very much against it because we didn’t understand her motives. My brother had a lot of cash saved up from his job and living at home. After proposing (she said yes) they began to plan a wedding for summer 2015, which was good because it was normal and not rushed. However, in the fall of 2014 she became pregnant so they “had to elope” -that is their statement.

- Multiple times in 2013, 2014, and 2015 they were invited to family events, bbq’s, holiday dinners, including my brother’s birthday party that his wife planned to have at my parent’s house, and they did not show up. There was always an excuse about being too busy…even for his own party that she planned

- Her family, mother + her bf, and brother + his gf moved into my brother’s house and lived there from 2015 to 2018.

- My mother has been inside their house twice, my dad just one time before my brother bought it, my sister just once, and I lived there for a month this year waiting for my house to close (which was a big surprise and took my asking my brother 3 times)

- She’s had 4 pregnancies in 4 years. She claims to have mis-carried the 2014 baby shortly after getting married, then in 2017 she mis-carried during a vacation, and then again in spring 2018 she mis-carried in a hospital. Our family is doubtful the first two were real and not just for attention/to get married. She is currently pregnant again due in early 2019.

- She had lap-band surgery in 2015 for pregnancy/health reasons; my brother paid.

- She went to community college in 2014 and got an associate’s degree, my brother paid for this

- She “lost” her engagement ring in 2017 and my brother replaced it with a bigger one. She posted this on Facebook.

- She has not worked in 5 years because she gets tired and is a full time “house wife”- those are her words. Her mother also does not work for similar reasons.

- They were invited to a family trip to Florida in 2017 and agreed to go, my parents had to pay for the trip, flights and lodging (sharing a rental condo). Shortly before leaving they announced she was pregnant again. During the trip they did not do family things together, like go to the beach, and went off on their own, including renting their own hotel room in the end. She had another miscarriage during the trip which is what my brother told us was the reason they did their own things.

- In 2017, she sent my mother and sister a lengthy text detailing how depressed my brother was in 2013. She said it was all due to my family and their treatment of my brother as a second class person. She then said how hard it has been to “fix” him the past few years.

- She posts on Facebook at least a few times per week, 10% could be grouped as examples of projects around the house or purchases she has made, the other 90% are just selfies of her usually with a “I’m ugly” message of some sorts. Then she gets the replies saying she is not and she is perfect, which she then comments back to.

The current reason for posting this is because she is now making vague and threatening posts on Facebook about her unborn daughter.

1) How she will keep her daughter away from “those that ignore her”. That her “daughter doesn’t have to know you”. It is very, very confusing because everyone reached out over the years but was always rejected. At some point we stopped trying because why keep getting rejected? Although I reached out in the summer of 2018 and Thanksgiving 2018 to see if they wanted to join us. The first got no reply and the second got a “no thank you”. She and my brother have honestly never called or texted me in 5 years.

2) She is also posting about not having a baby shower, but having a registry because she is still grieving from the miscarriage in March and couldn’t live up to people’s expectations of being happy. She claims for those questioning her decision they are attacking her unborn baby. No one in my family has any idea what she is talking about. In all 4 pregnancies she has never had a shower only a registry each time.

What do we do?

Doesnt sound like her mind is in a very stable place at all throughout the relationship, attention seeking and based on what Im reading essentially keeping your brother to herself.

Its no doubt your brother probably feels trapped, I suspect he doesnt have much say in the relationship and aims to please her. I think the trouble with young or initial relationships is you are not honest to yourself or your partner and you keep trying to overcompensate as a result.

The fact she posts pictures and calls herself ugly, miscarriages for attention screams some serious insecurity problems.

Id imagine shes the reason that you have all had issues keeping in touch and contact with them as a couple, again he probably has no say whilst she calls the shots. Its a messy situation, your brother needs to speak out about how he really feels before more time is lost . Which may be difficult is he cant get past his woman or he is trying to pretend its all okay. She needs some form of counselling for her issues, I highly doubt that if you or your family tried to talk to her it would help, probably make matters worse..

Unfortunately you need to distance yourself from her as much as possible. That means deleting and blocking her from all your social media. Stay in touch with your brother directly through your own messaging apps. Avoid her or any gossip, etc as a topic of conversation. Keep it about him, his job, interests, other family matters, whatever.

Avoid her whenever possible but be polite and friendly at family gatherings and for your bother's sake. It doesn't matter if you and your family don't "like" her or have whatever theories about her posts, activities, claims, etc.

None of you have to "like" her. However you do have to respect your brother and his choices/wife no matter how poorly you view her. You can't fix, warn or rescue your brother from her. He's an adult who makes his own choices, no matter how much any of you disapprove of them.

Boundaries, distance and deleting and blocking her from your social media will give you the peace of mind you are hoping for.

Well, I've got to confess that I have nothing to do with the rest of my family and they may have the same image of me as you do of your brother and his wife. But I would say to stop trying to force them into family get-togethers. Acknowledge that for whatever reasons, they don't want to participate in the family. With the trip to Florida, you basically bribed them to come with your family, and then complained they didn't experience the vacation the way you wanted them to. And then making suspicious comments about the girl actually being pregnant. I mean, it's pretty obvious that she's prone to having miscarriages, so I would be more inclined to believe her first two pregnancies are real.

So basically I'm saying to leave them alone. Let them live their lives the way they want to. Stop stalking the girl's Facebook pages and stop focusing on them. Not everyone is family-oriented. When they have kids, they may feel different, but right now, stop gossiping about them and stop focusing on them. Just let them be.