Can't start over

Hi lovely people. Well in February it will be three years since I was dumped. I haven't managed to find anyone else in all this time. I get out as often as I can but haven’t met anyone in everyday life so I have turned to the online dating. I have found it soul destroying. Conversations that go nowhere. Scheduled dates that are called off. And a few first dates that I would have liked to pursue but I never heard from them again. I sought feedback from one to be told there was no spark although he had enjoyed the conversation. I feel on the scrap heap in my mid forties. I know about persistence but after all this effort over such a time I am losing the will. I try to focus on work. I work from home. I try to be positive. But Christmas is coming and I feel so alone. I guess my ex certainly won't be and it makes me very sad. Any help gratefully received xx

Online dating and dating in general are hard. It is normal that there are many dates that lead no where or times where the spark and interested is not mutual. You shouldn't take it personally. Dating should be fun and about meeting people and see where it leads. Most dates won't turn into relationships and it's ok. If you feel that online dating is making you sadder, I suggest taking a pause and focusing more on friends and family in the times coming. Also, most men can feel even if on a subconscious level if someone is dating out of loneliness and neediness or with a confident mindset. Sometimes it's ok to take a break and try to fulfil our lives in other ways.

Hugs!

Also, most men can feel even if on a subconscious level if someone is dating out of loneliness and neediness or with a confident mindset. Sometimes it's ok to take a break and try to fulfil our lives in other ways.

It has nothing to do with being a man. It's the same for any gender. However, there's a saying: "No one feeds a starving dog". You'd rather play or feed a dog that's cheerful and healthy, than a dog that's sick and old. Now I know there are people with good hearts that will take in any sick dogs, but that's beyond the point of my analogy. It's about attraction.

Two big ways to start shining again are to work out and eat healthy. It'll help with your mental/body chemistry and release endorphins, adrenaline etc. You'll feel much better after a while and you/people will notice the difference.

So I suggest you start hitting the gym and go out for walks on a regular basis. It's ok to have setbacks while deloping a new habit. Just start again if you're having a lazy week :)

It has nothing to do with being a man. It's the same for any gender. However, there's a saying: "No one feeds a starving dog". You'd rather play or feed a dog that's cheerful and healthy, than a dog that's sick and old. Now I know there are people with good hearts that will take in any sick dogs, but that's beyond the point of my analogy. It's about attraction.

 

Two big ways to start shining again are to work out and eat healthy. It'll help with your mental/body chemistry and release endorphins, adrenaline etc. You'll feel much better after a while and you/people will notice the difference.

 

So I suggest you start hitting the gym and go out for walks on a regular basis. It's ok to have setbacks while deloping a new habit. Just start again if you're having a lazy week :)

I said man in this case but I know this applies to both genders.

It sucks to hear your current situation, but the two things I found was firstly not to focus on how youre ex is doing, its assumption based and its not even important so definitely dont go down that road. You probably already know this after 3 years but focusing on you and your own life most definitely comes first.

Rejection is a horrible thing, but like the other poster said I think it should never be taken personally. Some people just dont click, its not anyones fault. Id enjoy the interactions as much as you can even if they do die off, dont put any pressure on yourself.

My wife kicked me to the kerb, shes a very pretty girl and already in her "rebound", it initially gave me so many doubts about myself. The fact Im less outgoing, living at my parents home, my hairline is receeding. Focusing on these bad points does nothing at all, focusing on improving yourself and your good qualities, being confident is one of the most powerful things.

Wishing you the best, dont doubt yourself!

Hi Lois , if it helps to know so you are not so alone in the single world ...my join date is the last time I had a boyfriend lol ...talk about old spinster and I just turned 52 ..so it is coming up to 8 years . The only difference is I haven't attempted to date , not even once ..I know that is not what you are asking but try not to put to much on Christmas . This is a very lonely season and the media will have us believe everyone is in a happy family with a partner who will pop up on christmas morning covered in frickin tinsel and tell us how fab we are .

Try and find things that will make you feel so full of love and compassion for this world ...it will just distract you over christmas ...even if it just getting all your old hats , scarves and gloves and going to where the homeless are in your city and give them out , or get on touch with the wonderful people who do the soup kitchens and take a few stints in there ..anything ..the feeling of helping is so rewarding you kinda forget everything else .

my christmas wish for you is that you find love and happiness ...and I am sure you will .

It has nothing to do with being a man. It's the same for any gender. However, there's a saying: "No one feeds a starving dog". You'd rather play or feed a dog that's cheerful and healthy, than a dog that's sick and old. Now I know there are people with good hearts that will take in any sick dogs, but that's beyond the point of my analogy. It's about attraction.

 

Two big ways to start shining again are to work out and eat healthy. It'll help with your mental/body chemistry and release endorphins, adrenaline etc. You'll feel much better after a while and you/people will notice the difference.

 

So I suggest you start hitting the gym and go out for walks on a regular basis. It's ok to have setbacks while deloping a new habit. Just start again if you're having a lazy week :)

Agree, man and women is all the same, if you’re out there void filling by dating which has unfortunately been made incredibly easy by the invention of online dating you’re just chipping away at yourself more and more. Honestly you’re setting yourself up to get hurt even more because you’re so desperate to have someone during cuffing season ( I always call the mad rush to date during the holiday boo season but apparently it has an official name ‘cuffing season’) you’re so desperate you’re fonna latch onto the first side who opens the door. You’re selling yourself short. That’s what you do when you date before you’re ready, you aren’t you so you’re going to find someone based on what you’re projecting and if rhats insecurity, that’s what people will see.

Take care of yourself. Whether your breakup was 3 years or theee weeks ago, you clearly haven’t recovered from it

Hi lovely people. Well in February it will be three years since I was dumped. I haven't managed to find anyone else in all this time. I get out as often as I can but haven’t met anyone in everyday life so I have turned to the online dating. I have found it soul destroying. Conversations that go nowhere. Scheduled dates that are called off. And a few first dates that I would have liked to pursue but I never heard from them again. I sought feedback from one to be told there was no spark although he had enjoyed the conversation. I feel on the scrap heap in my mid forties. I know about persistence but after all this effort over such a time I am losing the will. I try to focus on work. I work from home. I try to be positive. But Christmas is coming and I feel so alone. I guess my ex certainly won't be and it makes me very sad. Any help gratefully received xx

Well! I think I see the first problem here... you are pretty deep in self-pity right now... notice how you speak about being "dumped", how dating is "soul destroying", how you feel "on the scrap heap"....

Assuming you are just venting here, I think it's important to remember that perspective makes a massive difference in how we move forward in life. Yes it's way harder to date in your 40's (#struggleisreal) I mean the selection of singles isn't there like it was in our 20's, men and women alike are looking for unicorns and forget how old they actually are, many are jaded, or angry, or bitter, or have decided to embark on "living their best lives" and have no desire to be in a committed relationship because they want the freedom of being single... phew!

I have also been mostly single for 3 years now, and it hasn't always been easy, especially online dating... so many one and done's with no real explanation other than we weren't each other's "unicorn"... and meeting people in person hasn't worked out for the same reasons... at the end of the day, the only way to get through this is to have a positive attitude and to focus on doing things that bring you happiness and joy, because we can only control our own actions and what we are putting out to the universe.

Its' possibly you could be "trying too hard" and making the pursuit of a partner TOO much of an emphasis in your life - thus giving off a bit of "desperation" in your vibes (which nobody wants to date).

Think of the common characteristics of the peopel you are attracted to or find attractive.

Now think of the common characteristics of the people you find unattractive.

Chances are - you are exhibiting and giving off more vibes of the unattractive than ou are the attractive.

So learn from the ones you find attractive yourself - what is the common trait amongst them? Start emulating and learning to be more like that (not ACTING like that.. but BECOMIGN that...) Its' when you truly become that that you will then become more attractive.

If you ask psychologists and scientists, you will find the common attraction themes are: self-confident, having a good life, positive aura and optimistic, find the positive in fun in anything, adaptable to any situatioin and can work with it

While some of the common unattractive themse are: insecure, desperate, stubborn, "can't go with the flow" and inflexible, pessimistic

Thanks so much each and all I really appreciate your advice and kind words. I do try and put my sadness over not having a partner to one side and focus on other things but it is really really tough as I want a great relationship very much. But I don't want to settle for just anyone. Currently distracting myself with work and a masters but it isn;t what I want to be distracted with! The online is sooo tough-I see occasionally a guy who I would be very interested in getting to know but after making contact I then see he is permanently on the online dating like an addict and it is really tough to be in this cattle market but I don't meet new guys naturally so I do feel it is my only option to date but the rejection and the fact that he is communicating with tons of others when we do a first date is very tough and creates pressure even though I try to resist feeling that! I heard the stats are 7 women to every man online dating over the age of 26 -I know I only need one but I haven't got anywhere so far! Really trying to be confident and happy though! Thank you xx

You know another poster made a comment the other day about these statistics and I think it really needs repeating.

Women may get messaged more but just because the quantity is there doesn’t mean the quality is. I recently deactivated my profile but before I did, I had about 20 unread messages and plenty more that were read, of those messages only a handful were quality men, and believe me I’m far from overly picky, women do have a ton of men shooting their shot but not seriously, many are either, aiming completely out of their league, simply trying to get laid, or mass spaming, seriously they don’t even try to hide it, and don’t get me started on the ‘cuddle buddy’ seekers. So please don’t fall for the hype that online dating is just a smorgasbord for single women, it’s really not, you have to sift through the bull to get to the decent guys, they’re there, they deffinetely are, but they aren’t the ones bum rushing any single woman’s inbox.

I know I am younger and maybe not as experienced, but I do know heartache.

What I would suggest is, if you are able, check out an see if there is any clubs in your area you would be interested in attending. Like dancing - salsa, spanish dancing, or photography club, or languages - this gives you a chance to meet people naturally who are interested in similar things - and socialising could lead to other possibilities - if the only thing you get from it is friends - it may lead to other things like a good social group of people who have time to go and hang out or go to bars with - and from there you could meet people too. Please don't give up yet! You're still actually pretty young, you still have a lot of time to find someone nice who appreciates you for your awesomeness - I speak from knowledge as my parents divorced and I watched them struggle on with dating and stuff but eventually they found someone, it is worth the wait i promise!

Where did you hear this? It's very inaccurate and sounds like a rationalization for not bothering or explaining away some of the usual pitfalls of online dating..

All you can do is make sure you have a well written profile, good recent pics including a face and full length shot. Also make sure you are using at least one higher quality (paid) dating app. Develop a system.strategy for online dating.

Date locally and date within your age, lifestyle and other parameters. Message men who interest you (but not too much) then meet asap. Delete and block anyone who won't meet in a timely fashion or any other time wasters. Then just meet and rule them out or move for a second date.

Of course make sure you have enough social opportunities to meet real life people and keep busy, make friends etc.

I heard the stats are 7 women to every man online dating over the age of 26 -I know I only need one but I haven't got anywhere so far!

No I heard that there are 7 women to every single guy online dating over age 26-ie a shortage of men. I am in UK though so may be different for your location!

You know another poster made a comment the other day about these statistics and I think it really needs repeating.

 

Women may get messaged more but just because the quantity is there doesn’t mean the quality is. I recently deactivated my profile but before I did, I had about 20 unread messages and plenty more that were read, of those messages only a handful were quality men, and believe me I’m far from overly picky, women do have a ton of men shooting their shot but not seriously, many are either, aiming completely out of their league, simply trying to get laid, or mass spaming, seriously they don’t even try to hide it, and don’t get me started on the ‘cuddle buddy’ seekers. So please don’t fall for the hype that online dating is just a smorgasbord for single women, it’s really not, you have to sift through the bull to get to the decent guys, they’re there, they deffinetely are, but they aren’t the ones bum rushing any single woman’s inbox.

Thanks so much lovely. I have tried the dancing and meet up but no luck YET! I must keep on at it I guess-thanks you!!

I know I am younger and maybe not as experienced, but I do know heartache.

 

What I would suggest is, if you are able, check out an see if there is any clubs in your area you would be interested in attending. Like dancing - salsa, spanish dancing, or photography club, or languages - this gives you a chance to meet people naturally who are interested in similar things - and socialising could lead to other possibilities - if the only thing you get from it is friends - it may lead to other things like a good social group of people who have time to go and hang out or go to bars with - and from there you could meet people too. Please don't give up yet! You're still actually pretty young, you still have a lot of time to find someone nice who appreciates you for your awesomeness - I speak from knowledge as my parents divorced and I watched them struggle on with dating and stuff but eventually they found someone, it is worth the wait i promise!

No I heard that there are 7 women to every single guy online dating over age 26-ie a shortage of men. I am in UK though so may be different for your location!

Apologies, I must have misread.

With that being said human being have been dating and marrying and procreating long before the invention of online dating, if you believe the odds are stacked against you, so what? You lost one dating avenue, there are tons of other methods, as wise said, your rationalizing to avoid taking the next step, which honestly you shouldnt be doing before youre ready anyhow, theres just a lot that needs to be worked through for you right now.