Neighbors fighting?

Hey eNA.

Not sure this is the right subforum but I think it fits.

I want advice on what to do next.

I live in an apartment that is actually pretty well built. I rarely hear my neighbors unless they wear heels (in the apartment above me) or are banging on the walls (like hammering in picture frames). From the halls, I can sometimes hear conversations through doors or loud TVs. Overall, pretty good community.

I say that because my neighbors across the hall fight... LOUD and frequently.

I’ve heard one fight where she was sobbing and he was screaming awful things at her. She was pregnant at the time. Now they have a 5 month old. He usually screams at her and she cries and yells back. I don’t know who starts the fights and I don’t really know what they’re about, but what I’ve heard is ugly.

The fight they just had got my dog to jump off my bed and run to the door and growl. I’ve had her a year and she’s never reacted that strongly.

So I ask:

I have no indication there is violence occurring. I’ve seen both of them and don’t see signs of abuse (not saying that means they aren’t there, I just haven’t seen them). They are otherwise lovely in person

So what do I do?

Nothing? Try and ask her when she’s alone? Raise a noise complaint to the apartment complex in the hopes they fight less?

Or do I call the police? At what point does it warrant calling the police?

I don’t want to make waves. I don’t want to get the baby taken away unnecessarily or make it worse if something is there. All I know is their fighting scares me, and I don’t know what to do now.

Personally, I would call the police. You should not have to live in your own home in fear. They don’t have a right to inflict their BS on other people . And actually their child is being abused by having to listen to that .

Have you talked to the building manager? I'd start there. He ought to go talk to them and mention the noise level. If that fails, call the police.

I would start with the manager. If you don't get any results, call the police. This is a noise disturbance and is unacceptable and against the law.

Agree with the above. Get the building manager to speak to them first..if that doesn't work, call the police.

I don't think it's risen to the level of calling the police. And the building manager might not be able to do anything unless they're making noise after it's 11 pm. But definitely bring it up to the manager and say you're concerned.

Agree, contact the police. That is what they are there for, to respond to noise complaints and domestic disturbances. They can evaluate the situation when they arrive at the neighbors apt. It will serve as a wake up call for both of them to tone it down and possibly allow each one to talk to police separately if there is any abuse going on.

Or do I call the police?

It’s not the noise level that bothers me, I’m just worried it is, or will escalate to, violence. But I’ll start with the building and let them know and see what they think. Thank you everyone :)

I’ve had to deal with noisy neighbors and did not have much success with the police. Here’s what really helped: Keep a written documentation of everything. Write down a time, date, a description of the noise, and how long it’s going on. Even do a video recording to show how loud the noise level is. Then present it to both the police and landlord.

If you feel both the woman and child are in a threading position warrants a police call. But unfortunately it is not your job to meddle with the relationship.

Next time they are going at it, just call the management and let them deal with it.

I'm fortunate as a pretty capable guy to be able to personally intervene if I'm really concerned there could be violence. It's only happened twice in my life, including once a couple years ago when a daughter (grown) and her mother were arguing pretty hard and there were some very loud bangs.

But while I've got LEOs in my family and know many others who I'd 100% trust to deescalate a domestic situation, it's an intervention I would not be comfortable being the one to call for unless I were absolutely positive it needed to happen. Even if out of the best of intentions, one should always think very carefully about introducing men with guns into any heated altercation. And, frankly, there are a lot of people who, even if they're the ones more at risk in whatever domestic scuffle or intense dispute, would for plenty of reasons prefer police not being brought into the situation. Again speaking personally, when I intervened a couple years ago, I did ask if either of them wanted me to call the police as I obviously couldn't stand around and keep the peace the entire afternoon. I assured them I don't want to call them if they don't and that I have zero desire to have my nose in their business so long as their disagreements don't involve violent screaming and banging next door to me and my now wife. Sometimes the best you can or should do is provide someone the option and let them do with it as they will.

So yeah. That's not at all to suggest you should be the one to come knocking if you're concerned. If I were a less physically equipped woman and didn't have a burly neighbor to back me up, I doubt I would. But I do I concur with the others that, absent signals of there being an assault, I'd contact management before getting law enforcement involved.

If you have any concerns about the safety of the child, I would contact the police. They can assess the situation and determine if the child can remain in that setting. If you call during a loud bout, maybe the operator can hear how loud it gets, and help you decide.

If there wasnt a child involved, I would stick with the manager.

good luck

Agree. This is not a loud frat party where you call the landlord. This is a case where there is repeated verbal violence, domestic disturbances. The cops won't randomly rip their kid away or haul them both off to jail. They will show up, ask some questions and access the situation, including looking in all rooms and noticing a child is there. That is what they are there for.

If it is just a domestic fight, they will talk to them and leave it. At this point you don't know if they are drunk, high, brandishing guns, knives, etc. Your manager is not a social worker. They may suggest some social worker visits to assess what's going on. People like this are troubled, disturb the peace and should be dealt with. It's sad how many kids and partners are murdered all the time. Also with the cops you have anonymity, the landlord may state that you complained.

If you have any concerns about the safety of the child, I would contact the police.

If there wasnt a child involved, I would stick with the manager.

This is so hard. I don’t want to be the “dramatic” one who calls unnecessarily and makes it worse. But their fights are unlike any I’ve ever heard before. I’ve heard couples argue, but these are screaming/yelling/sobbing matches.

I ran into the woman today and asked how she’s doing. I was with my dog and she said she missed her dog. I asked where the dog was. She said back with her parents.

I don’t know if that means anything.... maybe I’m grasping at straws here... but I feel like I should do something. I don’t want to do anything alone though because I don’t know what could happen.

I may just be a nervous nelly. But I can hear their fights through their door, through my kitchen, into my bedroom while I watch Netflix on my tablet. This isn’t to say the NOISE bothers me but rather that it indicates the severity.

Then I would call the police. Can you imagine the terror that child feels? They need a wake up call. This BS is not ok

Stop over complicating this. Like it or not, this does boil down to nuisance neighbors creating enough noise with their fighting that it's interfering with your peaceful enjoyment of your apartment. So once again, next time they are going at it and it's bothering you, just call management and complain and let them address it with their tenants. That is all you need to do and the neighbors won't actually know who complained. Could be anyone really, above them, below them or around them.

Either they'll learn to pipe down or they'll eventually get asked to leave or get evicted. As for loud yelling, honestly some people shout a la Italian sit com. It is not automatically abusive, so don't leap to the worst of assumptions and don't meddle in what's not actually your business.

Okay.. I've had to deal with this before at my last apt just before i moved out (new neighbors that moved above mem... horrible!) In that situation it ws just loud parties past midnghit.. anyway. okay here we go.

1. AT ANY GIVEN MOMENT OR TIME if you feel like what you are hearing sound like or sounds like it could escalate to a violent situation - call the police and state it that way. They may ask you for specifics as to why you feel that way and you can give them.

2. Beyond that, i would go thru your Apartment Management team (like most have said) and let them know you are making a formal complaint about noise levels. Now, typically apartment managers will only care if there are defined quiet hours and the noises are happenign during quiet hours. So if it's happening at Saturday at 2pm - you're out of luck. That just comes with the territory of living in dense populated buildings. The only time you can formally complain then is if something they are doing is directly disturbing your unit in some way or potentially putting you or your unit in danger.

3. IF it happens to be beyond Apartment Management hours when this occurs, then call the police and let them know you are concerned about the noise coming from your neighbor's unit - again theyu'll ask why - this time obivously you won't have the "potentially violent" comments.. just that it's real loud and disturbing the neighbors. I'd also leave a message with the Apartment Management to let them know it happened (and when) and that you called to report it to police (so the apartment management team is not taken by surprise if the police contacts them later).

This is abuse. Pure and simple. It doesn't have to be physical abuse to be abuse. My husband and I fight like all couples do, but at no point do our fights escalate into screaming matches so loud the neighbors can hear it and certainly not in front of our daughter.

Screaming at a partner like that in front of a child that young is abusive and will do REAL harm. You don't need to know exactly what is going on to make a call to the police next time they fight. The cops can show up and make their own determination based on the evidence.

I was in the park a few months ago with my daughter and overheard a guy on the phone (presumably to his ex) telling her he would not be returning their son to her unless she "stopped being such a b word". I called the police and told them exactly what I heard along with a description of the man.

It could have just been a nasty fight between exes who haven't figured out how to co parent or it could have been a child kidnapping. I left it to the police to sort out as that is their job.

Next time this happens call them. You may save a life

I'm with the "call the police" advice.

First of all, it's like any other noise complaint: loud parties from one apartment continually, affecting your quality of life. Secondly, as others have said, this sounds abusive, and this a-hole needs to know that he can't continue to do this without repercussions.

Here's the thing: ask the police to remain anonymous. When you call, the police will ask you for your name & call-back number. I have a noise issue in my neighborhood, and I always ask to remain as anonymous as possible. Yes, I realize the police can track my phone, but I don't want my name or number recorded on their reports. The thought that one of the people about whom I'm complaining might actually work at the police department, and see my name & number on the report about them, scares me.

Thank you for all the advice. I really appreciate it. I am leaning towards reporting it formally to the police - I’ve almost called a few times because it genuinely scares me - but I stopped myself. But then I think about bystander inaction and feel guilty.

I’m not saying I’ll call for any normal old spat. But these screaming matches where he calls her a stupid cu** are not ok...

I'd call the police. This case sound more like something that needs an intervention at the moment it occurs rather than some dumb memo a day later.

Here are some interesting data:

Results Data were obtained for 44 countries. Overall, parents committed 56.5% (IQR 23.7–69.6) of child homicides, 58.4% (0.0–66.7) of female and 46.8% (14.1–63.8) of male child homicides. Acquaintances committed 12.6% (5.9–31.3) of child homicides. Almost a tenth (9.2% (IQR 0.0–21.9) of child homicides had missing information on the perpetrator. The largest proportion of parental homicides of children was found in high-income countries (64.2%; 44.7–71.8) and East Asia and Pacific Region (61.7%; 46.7–78.6). Parents committed the majority (77.8% (61.5–100.0)) of homicides of children under the age of 1 year. For adolescents, acquaintances were the main group of homicide perpetrators (36.9%, 6.6–51.8). There is a notable lack of studies from low-income and middle-income countries and children above the age of 1 year.

Conclusion Children face the highest risk of homicide by parents and someone they know. Increased investment into the compilation of routine data on child homicide, and the perpetrators of this homicide is imperative for understanding and ultimately reducing child homicide mortality worldwide.

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The CDC examined more than 10,000 homicides between 2003 and 2014. In female homicides in which the circumstances are known, the killer was a current or former intimate partner about half of the time, the report found. The number of killings related to partner violence rose to 55 percent if you include other kinds of victims.

"This can include family members who may have tried to step in to prevent an intimate partner violence incident that was happening," Petrosky says. "This could include bystanders, even, that just were at the wrong place at the wrong time."

More than 98 percent of those homicidal partners were men. (In general, men are more likely to be involved in a homicide than women. Seventy-seven percent of homicide victims are men, according to the FBI, while more than 90 percent of known offenders are male.)

Of slain women of reproductive age, about 15 percent were pregnant or had recently given birth; the CDC suggests more research to determine whether that is higher than the general population.

The report was meant to find information that could help prevent such homicides — for example, by focusing programs on women who are at the highest risk of being killed.

For example, the researchers note that patterns of nonlethal domestic violence — referred to as IPV, or intimate partner violence — could be used to prevent homicides.

First responders could assess risk factors for violence to "facilitate immediate safety planning and to connect women with other services, such as crisis intervention and counseling, housing, medical and legal advocacy," the report says.

"We found that approximately one in 10 victims of intimate-partner-violence-related homicide experienced some form of violence in the preceding month," Petrosky says. "And when we look at it for the non-intimate-partner-violence-related homicides, that was less than 2 percent. So this indicates that there could have been potentially an opportunity for intervention for those women."

Honestly, do you ever see the woman? Do you run into her when you are getting your mail? Do you know her? I would smile and try to befriend her a bit. not to cross boundaries or be her bestie, etc.

When i was in an abusive marriage, there were people that heard and saw, but they did not intervene because "she's a big girl, if its bad, she will say something" or because there was no physical violence.

I mean, people told me later they even noticed the communication that happened in public, and kept thinking about saying something but they didn't want to "be nosey". Be nosey -- if you run into her and the baby- tell her how cute the baby is - or just say something nice to break the ice with her. The more people she is aware of that are aware that she is there/exists, the better for her.

I might get some cards on hand with the abuse hotline and have one ready if the subject of noise, or disturbance comes up. I might also place them in common areas - near the mailboxes or bulletin boards.

If you call the police, it could be possible, like my ex, he's the master of con job and wll smile and act like nothing is going on and tell them his wife is just hysterical about something and she is the one lashing out. If she doesn't call on her own, i might step in and call, but i think i would try to make her aware that someone knows she exists as well

I will tell that if anyone hinted that my ex was abusive to HIM, things would get worse for me, so keep that in mind, too, and she might defend him a bit because she has nowhere else to go

But i would definitely call the police - the non emergency number -- tell them the scoop and ask that they come with their sirens off.

The police coming was the only thing that stopped the abuse -- i mean it continued in letter form, but i was away from him

Honestly, do you ever see the woman? Do you run into her when you are getting your mail? Do you know her? I would smile and try to befriend her a bit. not to cross boundaries or be her bestie, etc.

When i was in an abusive marriage, there were people that heard and saw, but they did not intervene because "she's a big girl, if its bad, she will say something" or because there was no physical violence.

I mean, people told me later they even noticed the communication that happened in public, and kept thinking about saying something but they didn't want to "be nosey". Be nosey -- if you run into her and the baby- tell her how cute the baby is - or just say something nice to break the ice with her. The more people she is aware of that are aware that she is there/exists, the better for her.

 

I might get some cards on hand with the abuse hotline and have one ready if the subject of noise, or disturbance comes up. I might also place them in common areas - near the mailboxes or bulletin boards.

 

If you call the police, it could be possible, like my ex, he's the master of con job and wll smile and act like nothing is going on and tell them his wife is just hysterical about something and she is the one lashing out. If she doesn't call on her own, i might step in and call, but i think i would try to make her aware that someone knows she exists as well

 

I will tell that if anyone hinted that my ex was abusive to HIM, things would get worse for me, so keep that in mind, too, and she might defend him a bit because she has nowhere else to go

 

But i would definitely call the police - the non emergency number -- tell them the scoop and ask that they come with their sirens off.

 

The police coming was the only thing that stopped the abuse -- i mean it continued in letter form, but i was away from him

I do see her and she seems happy but tired, I talk to her whenever I see her.

Thank you for your input! I think you’re validating my concerns.

I think you should call the police. It sounds like the woman and child are in a very bad position and need help.

I was in a relationship like this (thankfully not anymore) and if anyone ever helped me, I would be so thankful to them. She needs help and she’s too afraid to ask for it.

Of course they’re going to be nice to your face. The guy doesn’t want you to know behind closed doors that he’s a monster.