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Thread: Unsure about how honest to be

  1. #1

    Unsure about how honest to be

    I met my now boyfriend 3 years ago, 6 months into our relationship he went travelling around America for what was intended to be a year. He ended things around a month before he left as he said he didn't want to hurt me by leaving, but we got back together a couple of days later and continued until he left. The day we said goodbye I told him I didn't want him to be held back and if he met someone else he shouldn't feel as if he couldn't talk to them, he said the same for me but after this we continued to message/skype and tell each other we loved each other so I felt as if we were still together. Around 3 months into his trip he started being blunt, I could see a difference in him and we stopped talking as much and didn't video chat at all - after a week of silence, I asked him if there was a reason we had stopped talking and he said he wanted to be left alone for the rest of his trip as he wanted to take it all in. I was very hurt that he hadn't communicated this to me and i told him this, and i took this as the relationship being over - or at least taking a break from each other. On our skype call the month previous, he had said he was looking into extending his trip to two years and, talking to my friends, they agreed with me that I should try to forget about him at least for the time being. A week after this happened I was on a night out and went home with a guy from school I knew, we slept together but didn't have any communication afterwards and haven't since (two years later). I didn't feel any guilt in the couple of weeks afterwards as my boyfriend had said he wanted to be alone - after a couple of weeks he messaged to say he regretted saying it, missed talking and still loved me. I explained that I wasn't sure if it was right as I didn't know when we would even see each other again, but I was overjoyed as I was still very much in love with him. I didn't think I had done anything wrong as he had ended it, even if it did happen quickly.

    He came home 5 months later, we kept in contact until then and have been happily together ever since. When he came home, we didn't talk about any other people while he was away - neither of us asked and it just didn't come up. Other than this one time, I didn't have any contact with another man - even texting or stuff like that - as I would have felt like that was unfaithful even though we discussed other people before he left. At the time, I felt it was unnecessary to tell him as he had ended things and it would cause hurt for no reason. In the past couple of weeks, I mentioned the time he ended things while he was away, and he said I had misunderstood and that he hadn't ended things and in fact he just wanted time away from his phone to spend with his friends and enjoy his time. Since then, I have felt so much guilt even though in my eyes things were over between us. Am I wrong in not telling him about this, should I tell him now or does he have no right to know what happened when we had the break? I love him so much, we are so happy and I feel telling him could end things forever as he would be so hurt and I know he would never expect that from me.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about and your boyfriend does not need to know any of the details of what went on in your romantic/sex life after he broke up with you. He broke up with you before he left so you were single even if he kept you on the hook.

    I'm sure he was probably not chaste the whole time he was away either.

    Just leave it all in the past and enjoy what you have with him now.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Agreed with ThatwasThen. Let the past lie.

    The whole him-away period was just a confusing chapter on the road to the less confusing chapter that is your current, solid, loving relationship. Were you broken up that one Monday, but not Wednesday? Were you broken up after the communication dropped off, or not? It's in the past, doesn't matter.

    You know what matters? Throughout all that time apart, both of your feelings for each other remained strong, and when the timing was right to really explore them you've been able to make something wonderful from them. Celebrate that. That's special.

    A little dalliance? That's human, fine, under the circumstances. You could tell me you had 12 of them, or that for two weeks you thought you were falling in love with someone else, and I'd say the same thing.

  4. #4
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    Just because he wants to rewrite history now that you guys have had a loving past two years doesn't mean that you were together during your rendezvous. Most people would assume that if their boyfriend was going to potentially extend their trip abroad to 2 years and "wanted to be left alone for the rest of their trip" (on top of not speaking to you for a few weeks!) that this relationship was definitely broken up.

    You have nothing to feel guilty about now that he's decided to reframe his actions in his mind.

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  6. #5
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    You shouldn't. His treatment was really shabby. I think anyone would have thought the relationship was over.

  7. #6
    Gold Member SGH's Avatar
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    Definitely seconding HealingLight. It's understandable for him to want to paint the past with rosy colors, because, at the time, he was acting selfishly and than regretted it. You've obviously forgiven him for treating you as if you were expendable during that period of time, so I think the two of you are even. It wasn't even cheating, and even if he did have a right to know (he doesn't), it would just hurt your relationship.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    So when he said he wanted to be left alone the rest of the trip, he had 9 months left. It would've been insane to think you should be monogamous with no communication during that time. So later when he said you misunderstood, that's nonsense, and even if he hadn't intended a breakup, there's not woman with self worth who would've agreed to such an arrangement. And for all you know, his attention was turned toward another woman at that time, and then he realized the grass wasn't always greener on the other side.

    Let go of your guilt. You did nothing wrong. If I were in his shoes, I wouldn't want the info that you had a one-night stand, and be subjected to imagining the woman I now love doing the wild thing with another man. Use positive self-talk whenever the thought arises of guilt: It's the past. I was single. It's okay. Time to enjoy the day and make my favorite dessert/watch our favorite show together/kiss my honey, etc. The present and future is what you should be concentrating on. Happy holidays.

  9. #8
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    Don't tell him. You thought you were over. He was being selfish and could well have been exploring his options during this time as well.
    If you are happy together now then there is no point ruining it for one night that meant nothing.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    let it go. don't tell him and don't feel bad. As others have said, he's trying re-write history. just drop it! No good can cine of bringing up the and it actually doesn't matter. You guys are happy. You don't care about the other guy and he onviously saw it as a little roll in hay, too. Do not make this into a thing....

    Wasn't this an episode of friends? THEY WERE ON A BREAK!

  11. #10
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    I doubt very much that he didn't have female company while on this "break". He won't ever admit to it but I would bet he was not alone.

    Don't feel guilty what so ever. He had no right to dump you like that and expect you to be sitting and waiting for him.

    Move on, let the past be the past.

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