She needs space

First, my ex wife and I separated 4 and a half years ago. She remarried as did I but both of our marriages fell apart. I am a few months away from being able to file for divorce as is she. We have talked many times about getting back together. Throughout this process, she has backed away a few times and told me to give her space. The first time was when she attempted to reconcile her current marriage. A few months into this she started coming around more and talking to me more and ultimately told me that she is going to leave her husband. He cheated on her throughout their entire relationship. It became too much and she is in lots of therapy to deal with the emotional aspect of what she felt is a lie that she has lived. So, after they separated for good, a little over a month ago, she started talking with me more and hanging out, being flirty, all of that. Then out of the blue she tells me to leave her alone, that she needs space and that I am overwhelming for her. She said that she did not want to enter into a relationship with anyone at this time. Turns out is that she is dating. I do not know if this is all a distraction for her or what. I have found it extremely difficult to give her the space that she has asked for and I tend to get very emotional.

What can I do to get her back? Is this a case of no contact unless it has something to do with our daughters? I do not know what to do.

Well, I'd take a moment to have some space for yourself.

You are both reeling from marriages ending—and, in her case, she's reeling from a marriage that sounds like it was basically all reeling.

It's understandable, in those moments, that we gravitate back to something familiar. But it's not always healthy. In this case, at least right now, it does not sound healthy.

Your ex-wife is deep in the throes of a lot of emotional turmoil. She's only one month separated from a serial cheater—not even divorced, probably not even sure that's over. Sure, she'd like to be sure, and that's where other men come in. She hopes, probably not consciously, that someone else will be the stepping stone to a better life.

That she says she wants space, isn't ready for a relationship—that's probably her wisest self shining through. For a moment. That she is also dating—well, that's her human self, her reeling self, and probably not a self you want to be entangled with right now.

You, also, are in the throes of emotional turmoil. You're not even divorced. I'm sure part of why you get so emotional right now is because you also want answers to all this uncertainty and, in moments, she seems to be the potential answer.

But those answers—for you, for her—aren't outside, but inside yourself. I'd take some time, and space, to find them before seeing what's what with a potential relationship 2.0 with the ex. After all, you are exes for a reason. Do you think, big picture, those reasons have changed?

Well, I'd take a moment to have some space for yourself.

 

You are both reeling from marriages ending—and, in her case, she's reeling from a marriage that sounds like it was basically all reeling.

 

It's understandable, in those moments, that we gravitate back to something familiar. But it's not always healthy. In this case, at least right now, it does not sound healthy.

 

Your ex-wife is deep in the throes of a lot of emotional turmoil. She's only one month separated from a serial cheater—not even divorced, probably not even sure that's over. Sure, she'd like to be sure, and that's where other men come in. She hopes, probably not consciously, that someone else will be the stepping stone to a better life.

 

That she says she wants space, isn't ready for a relationship—that's probably her wisest self shining through. For a moment. That she is also dating—well, that's her human self, her reeling self, and probably not a self you want to be entangled with right now.

 

You, also, are in the throes of emotional turmoil. You're not even divorced. I'm sure part of why you get so emotional right now is because you also want answers to all this uncertainty and, in moments, she seems to be the potential answer.

 

But those answers—for you, for her—aren't outside, but inside yourself. I'd take some time, and space, to find them before seeing what's what with a potential relationship 2.0 with the ex. After all, you are exes for a reason. Do you think, big picture, those reasons have changed?

We have talked numerous times about how our divorce was a mistake and that each of us were just too stubborn to say anything. I didn’t want to say anything about it because I did not want her thinking I was trying to take away her new found “happiness” that she found with her current husband. They started dating 3 months after we separated. I also started dating my soon to be ex around the same time. I get that she is dating and whoever she may become involved with is probably going to be the rebound, but we both married our precious rebounds.

Do I just leave her alone all together. I text her good morning and goodnight every day, but should I even stop that?

Well, it sounds to me like you both really struggle with being alone. You both jumped from your marriage into other marriages. Now you're jumping from those marriages back to each other. She's jumping around a bit more than you, which is triggering your fear of losing this precious window before she gets hitched again to someone who is not you.

This is fragile stuff—and, just being frank, rarely the stuff that leads to happy ever after.

Yes, I'd leave her alone. I'd do you for a bit. Do things that feel good, so you can remember that good does not need to be anxiety-ridden. She says she needs space, she's dating—respect all that. If what you have together is big and real it will surface once this noise burns off.

Do I just leave her alone all together. I text her good morning and goodnight every day, but should I even stop that?

Yes, you should stop that.

She didn't come back for the right reasons. She wanted company and comfort from a familiar source, but she's evidently not that interested in reconciling with you.

Give her space completely. Get your own situation sorted out. Neither one of you are good contenders for a healthy relationship right now before the divorces are emotionally processed and final. If you truly want something to work with your ex-wife again in the future, you will honor her requests for space and also lay the foundation for a good relationship by finalizing your current marriage.

Oh, man! She's crazy! Why do you want to go back to her? And you said she's already dating someone. She's using you as a rebound. Don't fall for her act. You'll only get hurt again. And all the problems you had during your marriage will come flooding back. Plus, are you sure she wasn't cheating on her husband as well? Keep communication limited to talking about just your daughters.

Yes. Stop texting. She wants space because she is working things through with her husband. You as well should focus on your divorce or marriage not cheating with a now remarried ex wife.

I text her good morning and goodnight every day, but should I even stop that?

Yes. Stop texting. She wants space because she is working things through with her husband. You as well should focus on your divorce or marriage not cheating with a now remarried ex wife.

She is not working anything through with here husband. She started dating other people as their marriage is done. Nobody is cheating on anyone as we are both separated and free to live as if we are not married.

Oh, man! She's crazy! Why do you want to go back to her? And you said she's already dating someone. She's using you as a rebound. Don't fall for her act. You'll only get hurt again. And all the problems you had during your marriage will come flooding back. Plus, are you sure she wasn't cheating on her husband as well? Keep communication limited to talking about just your daughters.

I don’t feel as I am the rebound or she would be here with me. She is seeing other people that are not me. I am almost positive she wasn’t cheating on him, that’s really not her style at all.

Leapfrogging from a divorce straight into another relationship spells disaster. If you don't want to position yourself in a temporary 'thing' that ends with the speech about what a wonderful guy you are, but she really should have taken the time alone to stabilize after her divorce--or worse, ending up the one who needs to give that speech, I'd back off and trust that if the two of you are a meant-to-be deal, you'll both meet on higher ground someday. But you'll both need to make the climb to that place on your own.

Leapfrogging from a divorce straight into another relationship spells disaster. If you don't want to position yourself in a temporary 'thing' that ends with the speech about what a wonderful guy you are, but she really should have taken the time alone to stabilize after her divorce--or worse, ending up the one who needs to give that speech, I'd back off and trust that if the two of you are a meant-to-be deal, you'll both meet on higher ground someday. But you'll both need to make the climb to that place on your own.

I totally understand what you are saying. I know she is “dating just to make new friends” in her words, but regardless it hurts. I just haven’t been able to get over her. It’s been 4 and a half years. I asked her what do I need to do to get her back and she said to just give her space, so that’s what I’ve been doing now. I haven’t reached out to her or anything and she actually texted me this morning, good morning and that she hopes I have a good day. So maybe She is thinking about me at least a little bit, idk. I had to back off for me too though. It was driving me insane just knowing that she is out with other guys. I know I sound like a fool, I just can’t help it. I am in love with this woman.