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Thread: Very Angry at Fiance for making plans with a woman colleague !!

  1. #1
    Silver Member Loralora's Avatar
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    Very Angry at Fiance for making plans with a woman colleague !!

    Hello everyone I haven't been active in this forum for a very long time because of the many obligations I have had during this year.

    I live in Europe. Now I am a graduated medical doctor working as a general doctor. Excuse my spelling mistakes english is my second language.

    I think the last time I posted in here is a year ago or a year and a half ago when I was not yet engaged and had other relationship issues, since then things have been going pretty well overall.

    My boyfriend and I got engaged 6 months ago. I'll just cut to the chase of the problem:
    My fiancé is also a doctor and one of the staff members at his work was going to retire and so they organised a staff dinner party.

    At first my fiance said he didn't feel like going and was not planning to, then the next day we met he said that he had decided to go because he didn't want to stand out as the only one that does not go. I was like ok that's cool. It was about 5pm when we had met for coffee and the dinner was starting at 8.

    As we were chatting he getts a text message reads it, and immediately erases it but writes something back before deleting it. He thinks I didn't notice that he did that. So I didn't say anything because I wasn't quite sure what went on.
    We continued our conversation and he again got a text, but this time before deleting it again I told him hey why won't you put your phone on the table who is texting you. He was like I asked a nurse when the dinner party was starting. (This nurse is someone that has a crush on my fiancé he even admited it ). I took my fiancé's phone and read the text and she had wrote "let's meet for coffee before the dinner party and then we'll go to the dinner party together".

    I was so upset. I told him why he had to ask excatly this nurse that has a crush on him when he could have asked a million other staff members on what time the dinner party starts. He said that he asked others and they hadn't yet responded and that she is his friend and can talk easier to her.
    I told him he knew when the dinner party starts and that was just an excuse to find out if this nurse will be at the dinner party and also an excuse to make plans with her on going to the dinner party together and have coffee with her before that.

    Once I found out, he then wrote a text back to her to tell her that he will be going straight to the dinner party meaning that he will not meet her before the dinner party but will go straight there alone.

    I was still very angry why he would accept on making plans with a nurse that clearly is interested in him (eventhough he is engaged to me).
    And told him he is sneaky because he deleted her message before my face. He said he knew I would get upset she was texting him and that's why he had to delete it.

    I told him I am very upset that he was the first one that texted her asking her what time the dinner party was when he could of asked any other colleague. I told him that he had iniciated the conversation of course she will respond. And also told him why would he text and make plans with a nurse that he knows and everyone knows that she clearly has a crush on him !!!!

    He said that the plan wasn't just him and the nurse meeting beforehand and that if they would have met another man colleague would be coming, it wouldn't have been just the two of them. But I didn't buy that.

    P.s. it never bothers me when she texts him for work related issues.

    I am SO angry I don't know what to do. I feel betrayed 😥

    I told him if he is bored by me or wants to break off the egagement he should just say so he doesn't have to do things behind my back.

    He said I am being unreasonably jealous and acting schizophrenic !! I am also angry about his namecalling towards me.
    Last edited by Loralora; 12-08-2018 at 02:40 PM.

  2. #2
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    A few questions for context before I comment on this specific issue:

    Have there been previous problems with jealousy, or instances of him possibly having some questionable interactions with other women? How do you know she has a crush on him?

    Him telling you that you are acting "schizophrenic" really rubs me the wrong way, especially considering that is a healthcare professional. Lobbing insults like this indicates some bigger problems between you, which is why I am curious to hear what your relationship is really like. I am going to wager that this incident with the nurse is the symptom of deeper issues.

  3. #3
    Silver Member Loralora's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    A few questions for context before I comment on this specific issue:

    Have there been previous problems with jealousy, or instances of him possibly having some questionable interactions with other women? How do you know she has a crush on him?
    We are all in the same profession so we know each other, I had my obligated
    medical training in their department in the hospial once I had graduated and this woman didn't even say hello to me. And my boyfriend told me a story how the other nurses told him that this nurse has a crush on him.

    So we both know she has a crush on him.

    She had texted him before for work related issues but nothing like this.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Ugh.

    Well, reading through this I think you guys have some real, deeper issues to work out before you get married. Out of curiosity, has jealousy/mistrust been an issue inside this relationship?

    I get that this incident wasn't fun, and I'm sorry you're feeling hurt. But I think the fact that it's so cataclysmic is worth exploring. Clearly your fiancé is on tiptoes and eggshells around you. And clearly you are watching him with a level of scrutiny that is not healthy. That is not a dynamic that can hold. When an eggshell gets stepped on all communication breaks down, as happened in this case.

    In terms of the specifics: Maybe he texted her because he likes a little dose of attention, which seems to be the worst case scenario here. Not the coolest, no. But nuclear grade betrayal? Personally, I don't think so, at least if you're in a relationship that otherwise feels secure and trusting.

    The sense I get from this is that you seem convinced he is an inch away from cheating on you. Is that the case? Has he given you reason to feel that way? Do you have doubts, in your gut, about his level of commitment and faithfulness?

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    Have there been previous problems with jealousy, or instances of him possibly having some questionable interactions with other women? s.
    Can you please answer this, as I've asked the same things in order to further advise.

  7. #6
    Silver Member Loralora's Avatar
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    There might have been some but not as big as this. Those previous onces were more about my jelaosy

  8. #7
    Silver Member Loralora's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    A few questions for context before I comment on this specific issue:

    Have there been previous problems with jealousy, or instances of him possibly having some questionable interactions with other women? How do you know she has a crush on him?

    Him telling you that you are acting "schizophrenic" really rubs me the wrong way, especially considering that is a healthcare professional. Lobbing insults like this indicates some bigger problems between you, which is why I am curious to hear what your relationship is really like. I am going to wager that this incident with the nurse is the symptom of deeper issues.
    There might have been some but not as big as this. Those previous onces were more do to my jelaosy, I guess.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Okay, so you recognize that you have a jealous side. What have you done to temper that, understand it, keep it in check?

    Because what I see, on the surface, is some unchecked, unresolved jealousy. Where does that come from? Was he ever shady at any point in the relationship? Have you dated shady men in the past?

    I don't want to minimize his actions here—and, like MissCanuck said, the "schizophrenic" comment is not remotely cool for a host of reasons. There's a lot of anger and frustration behind a comment like that, and the comment itself is a window into a level of anger and frustration that he does not know how to handle well.

    And all that is a pretty fiery dynamic that can be explosive in the wrong ways. No one wants to feel that their partner is jealous all the time. Then again, if he knows you have a jealous side, I wonder why he's telling you this nurse has a crush. Maybe he's just trying to be transparent. Or maybe he's trying to rile you up, because you guys have grown accustomed to this little simmer being part of the depth of your connection.

    I don't know. You call this moment "big" but to me it does not seem big. What seems big is the way you're both handling it.

  10. #9
    Silver Member Loralora's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    A few questions for context before I comment on this specific issue:

    Have there been previous problems with jealousy, or instances of him possibly having some questionable interactions with other women? How do you know she has a crush on him?

    Him telling you that you are acting "schizophrenic" really rubs me the wrong way, especially considering that is a healthcare professional. Lobbing insults like this indicates some bigger problems between you, which is why I am curious to hear what your relationship is really like. I am going to wager that this incident with the nurse is the symptom of deeper issues.
    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Okay, so you recognize that you have a jealous side. What have you done to temper that, understand it, keep it in check?

    Because what I see, on the surface, is some unchecked, unresolved jealousy. Where does that come from? Was he ever shady at any point in the relationship? Have you dated shady men in the past?

    I don't want to minimize his actions here—and, like MissCanuck said, the "schizophrenic" comment is not remotely cool for a host of reasons. There's a lot of anger and frustration behind a comment like that, and the comment itself is a window into a level of anger and frustration that he does not know how to handle well.

    And all that is a pretty fiery dynamic that can be explosive in the wrong ways. No one wants to feel that their partner is jealous all the time. Then again, if he knows you have a jealous side, I wonder why he's telling you this nurse has a crush. Maybe he's just trying to be transparent. Or maybe he's trying to rile you up, because you guys have grown accustomed to this little simmer being part of the depth of your connection.

    I don't know. You call this moment "big" but to me it does not seem big. What seems big is the way you're both handling it.
    I am a bit jealous, he hasn't done anything before but there have been nurses texting him and asking him to finish their papers for their masters degree and he helped them and that bothered me to. Why would he help them do their college papers !!

  11. #10
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    For me this guy would be gone. He can be a “ladies man “ some place else. My husband was Capt Save A Hoe when young . No physical cheating but letting himself get talked into other women’s BS. I laid it on the line. Them or me . Get out. Make your choice this second.

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