Difficult times with my girlfriend, need advice

Hello. I will try not to make this post too long. I'm (20, M) in a relationship with my girlfriend (21, F) for 6 months now. We were always crazy in love, this girl has everything I look for and is an amazing person. She is my first ever girlfriend and I am her first serious relationship. She has a lot more experience with dating (let's say sex), and by a lot I mean A LOT. This has caused me to feel insecure about myself in the sheets, I noticed her not really enjoying what I do and since a few months, her sex drive really decreased. She would mostly take control and be the dominant one, while I kept struggling with finding what really turns her on. This is something that incredibly bothers me because I feel like I've missed out on a lot of hot opportunities when we were only just together. Because I only recently discovered she likes extremely rough sex, something I found to enjoy myself, too. So you couldn't say we ever had lots and lots of sex. And since the academic year has started, she's caught up in schoolwork up to the point where she's always tired and depressed. Whenever I try to initiate in a dominant manner, she stops me because she's tired. I understand this, but it's gotten very frustrating, especially because I keep planning ahead to spice things up again and then nothing happens. So frustrating I started to think she just doesn't find me attractive anymore, that I missed my chance showing my true colours and even briefly suspected her of cheating. This caused me to feel very depressed the last week, couldn't eat, sleep, heartrate going crazy and irregular. She's going to study abroad for 6 months, starting in february so with the exams coming up, it feels like I'm under pressure to make things right before she leaves.

Tuesday, I didn't know what to do with myself, my thoughts were going everywhere and I had other issues pressing my mind as well. So I went to her place to talk, feeling really down. Problem was, because my mind was in such a chaotic state, I felt like I couldn't really pinpoint my feeling about this and couldn't transfer the message properly. What bothers me is that when she does have time for me, she's still occupied with school, seems uninterested in me or simply lost in her phone (there still is quality and love in our dates, don't get me wrong), it feels so different now than it did before. I try my best to be a good boyfriend and do pretty much everything for her. She was sick thursday so I wanted to bring her a little care package to make her feel better, she got mad at me because I really wanted to bring it over while she wanted to be alone... So I said we talked last tuesday, but I didn't quite deliver the right message. I feel like I'm a burden to her and that what I try to do for her isn't appreciated anymore. I feel undervalued and am tired of putting in all the effort.

This was still eating my mind, I just wanted to tell her:

"Hey, I just want to make you aware that, even though I know and understand you're so caught up in school and have very little free time, I'm feeling kind of ignored and undervalued, I just want there to be some quality in the times we do see eachother. I know that I haven't always met your needs in the past and I now know what I need to do to make you happy, but I'm just not getting the chance to do it, which can become very frustrating. It sometimes feels like you don't want me anymore."

So yesterday, I texted her and asked if we could talk whenever she has time for it. She said wednesday at first but then really wanted to know what's going on or else she wouldn't stop thinking about it. I really wish I hadn't done it but we had this conversation through text, very bad, I know. We then had this conversation, where I said things along the lines of what I typed above. Her responses weren't really what I expected.

Turns out her schoolwork has gotten so bad that her passing or failing is going to depend on the next two weeks. She said that she can't believe this is STILL on my mind, that we've already talked about this. She said that she's burning herself up for school and that she spends every other scrap of time she has with me. That she doesn't know what else she has to say to me, other than the more she thinks about this, the more she's convinced that we're two totally different people and that she's not sure if we will come out of this difficult time for the better or worse. That this moment is not the right time for her to make this decision. Everything I do for her, is really sweet but she thinks our priorities are different. She said she simply can't give me the time, attention and atmosphere as it used to be. She wishes she could make up for all those missed moments (really glad she said this, though) but it won't be in the near future.

How I see this, she's having serious doubts about our relationship. On the end I told her this situation just makes me feel so insecure I go looking for other reasons we're having problems. Turns out it is purely because of her schoolwork, I don't expect her to put me above it but I fear texting about this made me look very selfish and egocentric. I could feel she was sort of mad with me for still talking about this, while I only wanted to give her a little heads-up, like hey: I'm still here, too, you know. So finally, I said I understand and I will just give her space. She thanked me and said she has to make sure we don't miss out any good moments anymore, and that she doesn't want me to think that she'd stop thinking about me and texting me because of this. I knew she was very busy, but not that these two weeks in particular will be deciding for her.

I really don't know how to take this in. Did I upset her because I wanted some clarity? Should I text her and maybe apologize? Or should I really just let it all be, stay out of her way in every manner. Because all of this hit me so hard, I realized that I really should not be depending on her for my hapiness. Could this conversation have gone differently if it was face to face? I'm also starting to think that the root of these problems is that I'm focussing myself too much on her. I put in my whole heart, when you feel like it's not always appreciated, that can become very draining and made me lose myself for some time. I'm starting to think my own insecurities are causing these problems, which in turn lead to more of them. Anxiety might be a better word, though. I would really appreciate any input in this situation.

I just now purchased a gym membership (working on your physique can do good for your self-esteem, apparently). I started seeing my friends more often and will try to lose myself in my own schoolwork, in stead of thinking about/focussing on her. After all, I need to prepare for her leaving in february...

I hate to say it, but I'm afraid you need to brace yourself for this coming to an end.

You two are already having a lot of problems and it's only been 6 months. She is expressing concerns about longer-term compatibility and seems to be checking out, even though she says it's all down to school work. On top of that, she is leaving soon to go abroad. I am not sure if you two have the foundation survive that if it's already crumbling while you're in the same city.

Stop apologizing for expressing your needs. You said your piece. Take a step back and see if she does indeed take the steering wheel sometimes to keep this relationship going. If she doesn't, then it's time to part ways.

I hate to say it, but I'm afraid you need to brace yourself for this coming to an end.

 

You two are already having a lot of problems and it's only been 6 months. She is expressing concerns about longer-term compatibility and seems to be checking out, even though she says it's all down to school work. On top of that, she is leaving soon to go abroad. I am not sure if you two have the foundation survive that if it's already crumbling while you're in the same city.

 

Stop apologizing for expressing your needs. You said your piece. Take a step back and see if she does indeed take the steering wheel sometimes to keep this relationship going. If she doesn't, then it's time to part ways.

These problems only occured since two weeks or so. Without downs, there are no ups, right? I've actually considered ending it myself but I think I'd regret it, especially with my own exams coming up, not a good time. I reckon if I give her space and focus on myself, things will turn out okay. After all, she told me she already bought birthday presents for me, which is in a few weeks. We also have tickets for some events in january and booked a weekend in december. I don't think she'll end it all of the sudden, but it can be likely so if I don't man up.

These problems only occured since two weeks or so. .

I am confused. You said this above:"I noticed her not really enjoying what I do and since a few months, her sex drive really decreased"

Which is it?

I am confused. You said this above:"I noticed her not really enjoying what I do and since a few months, her sex drive really decreased"

 

Which is it?

That's purely about sex. Her sex drive has decreased since the start of the schoolyear, which made me think she just didn't enjoy what I did in bed.

The sex has improved in quality, lots. I now know how I can really please her.

Those compatibility problems only started about two weeks ago, sorry for the confusion.

Edit: She told me I shouldn't blame myself for her not being in the mood all the time like before. She's just brunt up because of school. My problem now is that her occupation with school is affecting other aspects of our relationship

Since you made all these plans with her, it seems she's upset and may or may not pull the plug. You can text and apologize, but only for "the misunderstanding" not anything you didn't do or cause that went wrong. See what happens.

Should I text her and maybe apologize? I started seeing my friends more often and will try to lose myself in my own schoolwork, in stead of thinking about/focussing on her. After all, I need to prepare for her leaving in february...

Well, with the fall school semester season coming to a close, ENA sees a lot of these types of posts. I would have advised you to do nothing until finals were over because this is an extremely stressful time with people trying to get through classes and it's the wrong time to complain you're not getting enough relationship time.

But there's also other problems with your relationship, and you're feeling your girlfriend pulling away. So you have reacted by becoming increasingly clingy and needy. It's a normal reaction but this winds up pushing your girlfriend further away.

Taking your post as a whole, I think your relationship started out hot and heavy, but after the "honeymoon" period things have cooled off. Again, this is pretty typical of college romances.

I just think your relationship is coming to a close. You're doing the right thing by concentrating on yourself. Maybe try to forget about your problems during the Christmas vacation. See how your girlfriend feels after finals are over. Try not to talk about your feelings and needs and try to concentrate on her feelings. Chances are that you'll be breaking up when she goes off to school, but at least see it out reasonably and sensibly and leave a good impression on her.

That's purely about sex. Her sex drive has decreased since the start of the schoolyear, which made me think she just didn't enjoy what I did in bed.

The sex has improved in quality, lots. I now know how I can really please her.

Those compatibility problems only started about two weeks ago, sorry for the confusion.

 

Edit: She told me I shouldn't blame myself for her not being in the mood all the time like before. She's just brunt up because of school. My problem now is that her occupation with school is affecting other aspects of our relationship

You're all over the place in this thread, man.

You describe a lot of issues, then start back-pedaling to try to justify or rationalize everything away. More than anything, you need to get clear with yourself about how all of this is making you feel.

One thing to remember is that for a lot of us women, sex (in the context of a relationship, that is) is not generally purely about sex. Many of us need that emotional connection and when we're not feeling it, it is a less exciting prospect. Our interest in sex with our partners is often a reflection of how we're feeling about our partners overall. Of course stress and other external factors can affect our sex drives, but I would not take her decreasing interest in sex over the last few months in isolation of the other problems you mention. Together, you have a bigger picture of the honeymoon phase wearing off and her uncertainty if this is what she wants longer-term.

See how things go when she is finished this term.

You are super young, and she is your first girlfriend, but you are madly in love. ..

There will be many relationships in your life, and unfortunately, most of them will end. Looks like this one will too. give her some space.

If she is the "dominant" one, she will take control of what she wants and when she wants it.

good luck.