Normal dip in a relationship or?

I feel like my boyfriend doesn't truly care about me. Since he's moved in a couple of months ago, we've established that I'm not very funny, I'm clumsy, he doesn't like half of my family (and says it makes it hard to say "yes" to family functions), nor does he care for the friends of mine that he's met. I'm frustrated because I have anxiety, but I will often do things I don't want to do to show up for the people I love anyways - with a smile on my face too, especially if it's something short like a social function. He has no "fake it" mode.

Also, he has a decent job working for a delivery company and gets paid more than me most weeks (I'm a server and then work part time as an editor with a publishing company, so my wages vary - but usually, he gets paid more), but I am usually the one paying for the groceries and things like eating out. I know money is tight (becoming that way for BOTH of us now), so I often offer to chip in for various things - but the offer is rarely returned. Christmas is coming up and I got him a couple of things... he got me a pillow, which HE opened immediately because he'd "like his back" (I had been using it). So, it was mostly a gift for him. It just brings me back to my birthday, which sucked. He planned as far as crossing the border into Canada because I love exploring new places and haven't ventured much that way, but when I asked him a week or so before what we planned to do once we got there, he had not a single idea. So I planned a trip to the zoo. That I paid for. We didn't stop for dinner anywhere after, nothing. It really hurt my feelings at the time, and it still kind of stings.

I'm questioning if we're really all that compatible even. We just seem to go about the world in very different ways. We don't argue really, but I just don't feel like there's a lot of understanding between us. I am a better leader than a follower when I'm with other people, though I can be a leader when necessary - however, making decisions for everything all the time (when other people are involved) is exhausting to me, and I find that's what I'm forced to do. And then when he's not having a good time or he's not into whatever it is I've decided we're going to do, I assume responsibility for it which makes me feel like s***.

He says he loves me, and we've had genuinely sweet moments where I've felt it, and he made the move up here for me - so I want to believe him, but I'm finding it really hard. I don't know what people mean when they say "he doesn't look at me the way he used to"... I feel like I've never gotten a look ever. I feel like I'm trying so hard all the time for everybody around me, I feel myself wearing thin, I'm questioning my own worth and sometimes I feel like I'd be happier single.

Normal dip in a relationship or?

Why are you with this a**hole masquerading as a boyfriend?

He makes you pay most of the time, and he's so critical of you that he has you believing all these horrible things about yourself.

Have to wonder why you’re with this guy, solidcase?

Are you afraid to be single?

Has he always been this way, or did it become more apparent when you moved in together?

Did he move from far away to be with you?

You bf is emotionally abusive. I do not understand why you are with this guy? he treats you like crap!

He does not love or respect you. Do not listen to words but follow the actions. It will get worse, until he wears you down to nothing.

Also, the first time someone started in on my family and friends, would have been the last. Where is your commitment to your family and friends? Are you that desperate to have a boyfriend?

The more I read, I cannot believe you are with this azzhole!

Is this the same guy from https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=553274&p=7035727#post7035727??

He most certainly does not treat you well.

Why did you move in together?

This is so sad. A relationship should not be like this.

I agree with Holly. I'm seeing some signs of emotional abuse too. Insulting you. Isolating you from friends and family. Controlling you. Acting like a jerk. I think as the relationship goes on, he'll just get worse. The times he's nice to you are just to keep you on the hook. Get out of it now. Don't be one of the people who write in detailing years of abuse.

I would end it, OP.

Your post here combined with your last one paint picture of a one-sided situation, with you being a lot more into him than vice versa. This isn't a "normal dip" in a relationship, but I think you already know that. Being alone might be intimidating at first, but it's far better in the long run than staying a dead relationship.

I have never had a fear of being alone. I have been single nearly all of my adult life and I am most comfortable flying solo. However, I do have a fear of disappointing people. He's not malicious, I truly believe he doesn't know that he's being selfish. Either way, I don't know how to bring anything up. Do I even bring up my birthday even though it was this summer? It was never discussed, I don't think he thought I was bothered about it. Part of this is lack of communication on my part.

Not afraid to be single, but afraid of disappointing/hurting people.

I think that perhaps he's always been this way, it's just become more apparent since he's moved in. He's very accomodating in other ways, and he did sacrifice quite a bit to come here. He originally lived about an hour and a half away.

He is malicious, controlling, manipulative and abusive. he is not a child and knows what he saying.

he shows you through his actions that he does not care. You do not bring up the birthday thing. He should have known - I also think that is sad you focus on that and not on the nasty comments about you and your family.

After we all told you that you should dump him and that he is a creep, he is suddenly a great guy. We have warned you, unfortunately, you are not listening.

"but I'm finding it really hard. I don't know what people mean when they say "he doesn't look at me the way he used to"... I feel like I've never gotten a look ever. I feel like I'm trying so hard all the time for everybody around me, I feel myself wearing thin, I'm questioning my own worth and sometimes I feel like I'd be happier single. "

How is this "accommodating?"

Yes, I get that you don't want to break up. You just want him to stop being mean to you.

Problem is, he IS mean to you.

So, you have two options; stay and realize he will always be mean to you, accept it and try to develop a thick skin and learn to smother your feelings so he can't hurt you...or leave him and give yourself the chance to meet a man who isn't mean to you. The third option where he suddenly decides to stop being a jerk is a fantasy.

PS: He does too know he's being mean. I presume he's an adult, and any adult would know that saying the things he said to you would hurt you.

You make too many excuses for him, OP.

Part of the problem here is you, in your inability/unwillingness to call him out on his bad behaviour. He does what he does not because he's clueless (he's not) but because he gets away with it.

Not afraid to be single, but afraid of disappointing/hurting people.

 

I think that perhaps he's always been this way, it's just become more apparent since he's moved in. He's very accomodating in other ways, and he did sacrifice quite a bit to come here. He originally lived about an hour and a half away.

I believe your boyfriend knows and understands more than he lets on, and more than you give him credit for.

I think your boyfriend is taking advantage of your good nature because he knows that you're accommodating, kind and fearful of hurting other people's feelings, and therefore unlikely to call him out if he does take advantage, says mean or derogatory things, and mistreats you.

I understand that you don't want to hurt anyone, and that he's apparently sacrificed to move in with you, but these are not good reasons to stay in a relationship with someone who treats you as poorly as he does.

Sure, you could have communicated your disappointment to him and informed him that you weren't happy with the way he's been treating you, but I don't think you should have to point out how deplorable he's been to you. With someone like this, you just break it off and walk away. It's just common sense that you don't treat another human being, never mind your girlfriend, the way he treats you.

A guy like this doesn't deserve a second chance. I hope you break it off with him, solidcase.

One day you will meet a guy who will treat you so well and significantly different than your current boyfriend, you'll wonder how you tolerated this guy's shenanigans for as long as you did.

You can't fix or change him. What you can do is stop being a martyr, victim and doormat. Lecturing him on what a disappointment he is or how selfish he is or what an inconsiderate cheapskate he is won't fix or change him.

As a doormat with this people-pleasing euphemism for 'martyr', he can be this way because not only do you put up with it you do nothing to stand up for yourself or counter it, the more he is a jerk to you the more gifts and treats and love you give him. Reflect on why you reward his miserable treatment of you.

Why should he respect you when you have no self respect and this nonsense 'fear of disappointing people', when in fact this is an abusive dynamic and you yourself refuse to get therapy or help for it?..

I do have a fear of disappointing people. He's not malicious, I truly believe he doesn't know that he's being selfish. Either way, I don't know how to bring anything up. Do I even bring up my birthday even though it was this summer? It was never discussed, I don't think he thought I was bothered about it. Part of this is lack of communication on my part.

I'm questioning if we're really all that compatible even.

I can understand why, but I'd consider this an understatement. I'd lose this guy, and there's no way I'd live like this.

Conquer your fear of disappointing people. They'll get over it.

 

Normal dip in a relationship or?

No.

He's only revealing his true self after moving in. I doubt he moved in for you. Sounds like it's more for financial reasons. Regardless of his motives, he isn't treating you well.