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Thread: blindside by him

  1. #1
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    blindside by him

    I need insight. Simply "get over it" won't help because I'm already trying to. It's been a year and a half.

    Fast forward he brings up if we'd meet other people, he'd be crushed and more than jealous, I told him I wouldn't be thrilled but I did feel our age difference made me unrelatable to him.
    However, I wanted to have a conversation with him about the whole thing and reach a clear understanding. Before I could I was busy with class and my jobs. The last conversation we had was us not wanting to meet other people. Then I wasn't hearing from him as much. All of a sudden he up and took a trip and sent texts that didn't even sound like him. So I was confused because right before he swore it would be highly unlikely he meet someone, was just bringing up the topic then he made plans for us to spend the holidays together, then became distant.

    So he ends up telling me he met someone else, we could still hang out, he cared about me in a quick conversation before we had to head to our destinations. It hurt because he assured me not to worry about where we were, yet pulls this. I feel as though he was trying to beat me to the punch when all I wanted was to get more understanding between us but not necessarily see other people. I need insight on what this says about his personality because would a really good guy switch up like that in a matter of WEEKS after this long. To me I feel as if he had met whomever when he brought it up, they got busy and he was probably given the ultimatum. Yet I'm crushed but wouldn't want to be with someone who knowingly would pull that after assuring me. I'm not even sure if he's been seeing this person longer than he says. Basically I think because I had been so busy he assumed I had already met someone yet strung me along as he started looking for someone else and wanted to be in control of when it ended. He had been making comments like he thought I was into someone else.

    But where I'm conflicted is that he says we can still be friends and when I told him I was hurt by all of it, he said he would feel the same way and the look on his face just said " I wasn't going to let it be me " then as I walked away he tried to give me a compliment on how great I looked, which I smiled and responded because I didn't want to cry in front of him. I just wonder if it's worth being friends? How can I respect him or look at him the same....we didn't have much time for me to ask questions so I feel as though a more in depth closure needs to take place without him thinking I'm so hung up.

    His actions have me so confused, while feel the need to still be friends with me if you move that fast say one thing then do another in a matterrible of 2 weeks after all of this time.
    Last edited by LivingLife1; 12-08-2018 at 11:31 AM. Reason: spelling

  2. #2
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    Originally Posted by LivingLife1
    Fast forward he brings up if we'd meet other people, he'd be crushed and more than jealous, I told him I wouldn't be thrilled but I did feel our age difference made me unrelatable to him.
    What does this mean, exactly? How old are the both of you? And do you mean he ended this 1.5 years ago?

    I am not clear if you were ever officially a couple with him or just causally dating. It sounds like the latter; is that correct? If so, for how long? If he sensed that you were not as into it as he was and he knew you were hesitant because of your age difference, I can see why he took another direction.

    If this all happened in the span of two weeks, then you are probably correct that he'd been talking to this other woman prior to starting that conversation with you. My guess is that he was trying to decide between the two of you, and when you expressed reservations, he stopped trying to pursue things with you and went with her.

    In any case, there is no point being friends. It's too hard when you have feelings and I can't imagine his girlfriend would be comfortable with that idea.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    I agree with Miss.C deffinetely need a bit more info, but I personally think itís clear youíre upset/angry that you Ďlostí the breakup and since you canít change it youre trying to find something wrong with him mentally for the reasons he hurt you. He just sounds like a young selfish dude. And he probably did have this other person lined up.

    The way your breakup went should give you all the answers you need about being friends with him, look how it ended up the last time! You canít be friends with this guy, you have no foundation for friendship and he clearly doesnít mind keeping you there as an ego boost as he lives his life. Thatís not a friend. Cut this guy off, thatís the only way youíll begin to heal.

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    I am so LOST on what is going on!

    You jumped strait to the end of the story with absolutely no background or history.

    How long did you go out?
    How old are you and how old is he?
    What happened? What's your relationship? Did you agree to be exclusive a long time ago? Was being exclusive just brought up as the "next step"?

    If you were always too busy and stretched in four different directions all the time, him being the least of your priorities, it doesn't surprise me he put an end to it and pursued someone else. Based on what you've written, you weren't in any long-term, committed relationship, but merely dating, so that door was open to pursue a potential mate whose lifestyle was more aligned with him.

    I would not maintain "just friends." You don't want to be the buddy who gets to hear him talk about the new love interest. If he has moved on, cut those ties and move on yourself.

    If you're super busy all the time and always have other priorities, people aren't going to stick around for that. Figure out how to prioritize the guy if you're truly interested in pursuing a relationship. If this is not possible now, you need to figure out how to organize your life in order to make a relationship possible some time in the future...sooner over later, hopefully. You also want to prioritize and organize with other friends and family and cultivate these bonds...don't expect people to just hang out and wait for you to suddenly be available. Part of the burden is on you.

    I don't know where to go with this "other person" he's seeing because I have no idea what your relationship was prior or during this. I mean, were you dating for 4 weeks or 2 years or what?

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  6. #5
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    This is really confusing . We do not know your story. Explain the situation from the beginning, as we do not have background on any of this.

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    it was complicated

    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    What does this mean, exactly? How old are the both of you? And do you mean he ended this 1.5 years ago?

    I am not clear if you were ever officially a couple with him or just causally dating. It sounds like the latter; is that correct? If so, for how long? If he sensed that you were not as into it as he was and he knew you were hesitant because of your age difference, I can see why he took another direction.

    If this all happened in the span of two weeks, then you are probably correct that he'd been talking to this other woman prior to starting that conversation with you. My guess is that he was trying to decide between the two of you, and when you expressed reservations, he stopped trying to pursue things with you and went with her.

    In any case, there is no point being friends. It's too hard when you have feelings and I can't imagine his girlfriend would be comfortable with that idea.



    It was casual but we would talk about the future together. We both were in a place where we were trying to get situated but it just took me by surprise with how quickly it changed. It just recently happened after a year and a half. But I see your point. In the beginning I was closed off to a relationship because I was emo t ion a lly unavailable from my first love but not in contact with him anymore but slowly feelings started to grow. He's mid 40s I'm late 20s but guys my age are too immature but the older ones have more experience and different interests.
    Last edited by LivingLife1; 12-08-2018 at 02:40 PM. Reason: left out

  8. #7
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    We had conversations but are trying to get situated and in the beginning I wasn't ready for anything serious. But we had made plans and the thing that confused me was he assured me we were good where we were and that he wasn't likely to find anyone else. He's 40s I'm almost 30 but don't really have help from family and have been taking care of an elderly family member. We've been mostly casual but talked of getting a place, kids at one point then he just switched up. I became attached. But just wanted to see if that's something worth saving as far as friends. But I've even met his family and kids, traveled together. I felt a bond growing and thought oh this might be going somewhere and rejected other guys along the way and everything. But I get it, I'm a female with the emotions so it probably doesn't make sense here either way.

  9. #8
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    I'm new here and seems my replies are not directly in response to the comments but seems like everyone is confused about it without a backstory but I could write a book about the back story and who'd have time to read all of that. I wasn't trying to find something wrong with him but that incident is what had me feeling upset. I haven't been with a ton of people so I just was confused on his body language during the conversation, his words and how they changed so fast. I've always trust his word and needed advice on what does it mean if they do this but say they'd feel the same, still wants to be friends....I just wanted to know if anyone could read between the lines. But I answered other questions they were asking.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by LivingLife1
    We had conversations but are trying to get situated and in the beginning I wasn't ready for anything serious. But we had made plans and the thing that confused me was he assured me we were good where we were and that he wasn't likely to find anyone else. He's 40s I'm almost 30 but don't really have help from family and have been taking care of an elderly family member. We've been mostly casual but talked of getting a place, kids at one point then he just switched up. I became attached. But just wanted to see if that's something worth saving as far as friends. But I've even met his family and kids, traveled together. I felt a bond growing and thought oh this might be going somewhere and rejected other guys along the way and everything. But I get it, I'm a female with the emotions so it probably doesn't make sense here either way.
    Dont beat yourself up. It makes perfect logical sense. You were reeling from your other breakup and latched onto this guy, he said a few pretty words and you fell hook line and sinker and now that its over, it may seem illogical that you're this broken up about him but its not actually 'him' youre broken up about, your pain is compounded from both breakups,so instead of healing from one casual breakup you're dealing with two breakups, one of which was I'm assuming more serious. You never took the time to get back to you. I always use the statue example, after that first breakup parts of you were chipped off, instead f putting yourself back together you went and got chipped some more. If you dont take the time to put back together youre just gonna get chipped away until theres nothing left.

    I promise you this has nothng to do with him. He never did anything to cause you to actually fall for him, his words had no action behind them, you latched onto them to fill a void. Getting through this will hurt, not going to lie, but you can do it if you decide that youre worth taking care off. You say 'dont say get over it I tried' but what have you tried? Sounds like youve spent a year and a half ruminating and staying in contact to the thing that caused your bleeding to begin with. The thing that hurt you cant fix you.

  11. #10
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    Well this just happened but thanks for the the insight. I don't think I took enough time but it's so recent I've just focused on school and other things to keep me busy. These things just hit me hard because I haven't been with many people. I can't just hop from person to person. Even though I had not gotten over my first love it had been years since my first love. I just pushed other guys away until I met him. He was just so different from anyone I'd ever dealt with. Some of the comments insinuated I shouldn't be surprised because I didn't have time but I'm trying o finish school, not mooch off of men, you would think that would be a good thing. Your response was best.

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