I have no control over myself anymore

Hey,

I have made another post not that long ago, find it in my history please, I am not allowed to post it here.

Anyway, I am still where I am. I just want to hear from somebody that I am "normal". I am currently on student exchange, where I fell into total decadence/nihilism/emptiness.

I keep telling myself, it migth be tly life circumstances through all life:

-Bullied as a kid,

-I don't/didn't have to work hard to get good grades (therefore I was always seen as geek, although I have studied less than most),

-kind of hard time making friends, somehow I always get excluded from group I hang out with (although, I travel a lot and push myself out of comfort zone and meet people I get a lot great, but sadly I have to leave since I travel),

-one of my best friends commited suicide few years ago,

-my parents had really nasty divorce 1.5 year ago (they get angry at me for talking to other parent, god forbid meeting their new partners; we might sell house I spent childhood in),

-I don't feel very comfortable in my flat, but I keep telling myself that I can last until February,

-I suffer from depression, sometimes I worry about ridiciolous things obsessively.

I kinda carve for acceptance from society. I like to get drunk and go to club and make out/hook up with random girls just for sake of feeling accepted.

I am kind of in love (or whatever to call this) with Mexican girl that I met where I like like almost 2 months ago (we just met once, but we really clicked and kept on talking almost every day since then, cca. 15000 messages in that time), but she lives on other continent (I'm European) and she has 2 kids and I'm not sure how I feel about it... She sticks around and is great even though she knows what a mess of a person I am. She got an idea of visiting me next year (as much as I like idea, I am not sure how I feel about the whole thing, I feel like I have no idea what I'm getting into). I think I'll need to stop talking to her.

I have kind of a problem with self control, whenever it comes to alcohol I'd get totally smashed. Similar with pot. I smoke like from 2 to 5 times a week and although I think it doesn't hugely affect my life I feel alwats feel ty when I think about my whole messy life situation.

I am really unmotivated with university. I don't do any exercise, eat quite ty...

I feel like only way to be happy is to travel and not to stick around the same place and people for too long (before they realise what a mess I am).

I know I need to go get some real help, but I'll be home only in August next year, in that time I won't be around much.

Sorry if post is too much of a mess, but there's just so much to tell, I took out some parts that I think are crucial.

Can someone say something about it? What's going on with me? Any reply will be greatly appreciated.

Thank you!

You are in uni, they have counselors on campus for the students for free. Book an appointment. I did that I was in college...I learned a lot from the experience.

You are in uni, they have counselors on campus for the students for free. Book an appointment. I did that I was in college...I learned a lot from the experience.

I agree....

You need a good check up from a doctor. Sometimes substance abuse and the other things you are listing are symptoms of very treatable problems, such as mood, anxiety and other treatable disorders. Then get a referral to a therapist to follow up and unpack all this angst, inertia, and self destruction.

Consider some type of mediation, mindfulness, religion, whatever to discover a high ground and purpose than just getting trashed and living in trash and gravitating to trash food, booze, halfassed hookups, relationships etc. Get to the library and take out some books on whatever stuff you feel applies to ways to live better and feel better.

I am currently on student exchange, where I fell into total decadence/nihilism/emptiness.

I have kind of a problem with self control, whenever it comes to alcohol I'd get totally smashed. Similar with pot. I smoke like from 2 to 5 times a week and although I think it doesn't hugely affect my life I feel alwats feel ty when I think about my whole messy life situation.

Alcohol and pot are depressants. It's no wonder you feel down.

Add in an unhealthy diet and you are doing yourself in.

Why do you think you deserve all this self abuse?

Your original post is here:

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=554740

You're not normal, you're clinically depressed. The university has access to doctors and counselors. Let them help you.

Well, 2 days ago I got dead drunk (almost), my flatmate had to get me home, and today I kinda feel like having a beer gain. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'll try to resist from it. I really want to go out today, just for the sake of acceptance thing... It's kind of hard feeling unaccepted and unappreciated.

I don't know why I countinue with this self destructive behaviour. I don't think I deserve it, it simply just happens.

There's another thing about me. When I like woman I make some moves and whenever it happens that they start liking me back I lose my interest, same happening with Mexican atm. I think she really likes me, life has been tough on her, and now she meets me, like it's some kind of a curse. Makes me feel like total ass.hole.

I simply don't know who to talk about this. I am close with mom, but she'd definietly be upset with my behaviour and how I treat myself, I don't want to get her into that. That's why I am writing here.

I'll check for some therapy, but atm I live abroad and I don't speak local language fluently. I doubt there's gonna be someone to help me...

I managed to get some things done.

Like passing midterms, gtet insurance, regularly clean my room, slightly better sleeping habbits, I cook, etc.

But still, self destructive behaviour is still present.

It does not "simply just happen". No one forces alcohol down your throat or forces you to smoke pot.

You are an addict and you are also depressed.

There will be no one to help you unless you seek help.

You know, other people have been depressed and are addicts. With help, they have overcome their issues. You can choose to be one of them.

Well, 2 days ago I got dead drunk (almost), my flatmate had to get me home, and today I kinda feel like having a beer gain. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'll try to resist from it. I really want to go out today, just for the sake of acceptance thing... It's kind of hard feeling unaccepted and unappreciated.

 

I don't know why I countinue with this self destructive behaviour. I don't think I deserve it, it simply just happens.

 

There's another thing about me. When I like woman I make some moves and whenever it happens that they start liking me back I lose my interest, same happening with Mexican atm. I think she really likes me, life has been tough on her, and now she meets me, like it's some kind of a curse. Makes me feel like total ass.hole.

 

I simply don't know who to talk about this. I am close with mom, but she'd definietly be upset with my behaviour and how I treat myself, I don't want to get her into that. That's why I am writing here.

 

I'll check for some therapy, but atm I live abroad and I don't speak local language fluently. I doubt there's gonna be someone to help me...

English is an international language. You should be able to find someone.

Time to help yourself. Start by cutting out the booze and weed, and get out and exercise.

Most physicians will speak English with you. Get to a doctor for the alcoholism,depression,etc. Talking to your mother is not the answer.

Or just keep going like this and you'll meet English speaking doctors soon enough in the emergency department when you are brought in from a car crash or alcohol toxicity or comatose. No one can help you if you are this proud of your self destructive rebellious habits.

2 days ago I got dead drunk (almost), my flatmate had to get me home, and today I kinda feel like having a beer gain.

You are in uni, they have counselors on campus for the students for free. Book an appointment. I did that I was in college...I learned a lot from the experience.

Yep! Except that the counseling is not 'free,' you've already paid for it with your tuition. If anything would motivate me to use the service, it would be that I've paid the money for something I badly need but simply haven't looked into using.

Contact student services and ask for the appointment line for counseling. If they can't see you quickly, tell them it's urgent. You can also contact the local hospital and ask them for a referral for help with alcoholism.

Well, I might have expressed myself a bit weird the other day. It doesn't happen often that I get that drunk, in fact, I can easily stay without alcohol (haven't touched it since then, don't even feel need to drink some). I just wanted to say that I would have no problem drinking just one (definietly wouldn't get drunk tho). I meant that I have problems with self control, talking about whatever habit, drinking, eating, since always, not just when depressed.

What was the woule point of my post is that I am sick of ty life cirumstances happening to me lately...