Ex fiance she cheated, used me

Hi everyone. I usually don't ask for advice online but I have got to the point where I am actually going crazy.

I was in a relationship with my ex gf for nearly 4 years. We traveled a little bit, etc. Had a beautiful son together. Planned on moving to the UK to start a family.

After 1 year we met it was great, all good. Then she left her job to study at university, her parents didn't like this but I supported her, stayed up late at night to study her subjects to help her, etc. She never bothered really to study... She always complained about how life was boring. Despite us going to a acdc concert, several hotels, cabin in the woods. I done what I could with what I make.

I thought having our son would settle her done. Make her more responsible, but it didn't. I taught her to take care of him, I always wanted to be a father and I just naturally picked it up from friends, family etc.

Anyway, I ended up taking care of our son, doing the shopping, while working at the same time. Despite everything I tried to support her, I would comb her hair, massage her feet. We would go out every month to restaurants to eat.

Bit by bit she lost interest, talked to me like crap, treated me like a dog. Colder and colder. Months with no intimacy. Never wanted to sit down and talk properly. Never.. Always left the conversation when she didn't like what I said.

She then started work at the bus station. I thought "great, she will calm done and we can save up and have a nice break" but she just spent it all on herself. Didn't help me with the bills, nothing.

Then she was staying late everynight out. I eventually got fed up and left her. She then asked me to come back to give us another try. We went to a nice hotel, paid by me of course. I thought it would be great. But nothing. She still wasnt happy.

I found out she had been cheating on me for 2 months at least during our relationship with her coworker. I left.

She has had him move in with her and my son. I think he asked her to marry him, not sure as she hadn't posted anything even though he has put he is engaged.

This all happened in July. We have to meet up because of our son. And sometimes she has asked how I am, how is the business (yeah, I have been trying to start a business which was originally for us for a better life...)

She changed her profile picture on what's app and asked me if I minded. She has taken the Christmas tree even though I kindly asked her to pay me half. Despite her owing me over 500 euros for the furniture I paid for in her house. She took it and no thank you or anything. Oh and the night I found out about it she just laughed and thought it was funny.

How can I have a good relationship with her after that? I can't block her on Facebook or what's app because of our son, also it would look inmaturr maybe. Why would she ask me if it annoys her photo with him.

I have to see her the rest of my life and I can't sleep now. I can't eat. It has affected my job. To be honest I still love her. I had my son with her and I always wanted a nice happy big family because I never had it. I know I made a lot of mistakes as a man. But she could have just broke up with me. But she recognized using me for money, etc.

And I know she used to love me. I just can't understand how she could do that to me..

Sorry for such a long text, I just don't know what to do. I really don't... Im going nuts

I don't think you necessarily love her. You loved who she used to be when you were first together. You loved who you thought she would be in the future. But the current person she is, is incredibly selfish, a liar, cheater, irresponsible, disrespectful.

That's not love.

You wanted the happy family and she decided to ruin that image and go do as she pleased. And you know what? That is really heart breaking for you.

BUT this doesn't have to be the end of your life.

You can heal from this. You can move on from this and you can have a happier life, a better life, with someone else in the future.

You don't need her to have happiness.

You need to come to terms with the fact that your dreams with her, are over. Yes, it's a harsh first step, but an important one.

Secondly, you need to focus on what matters here...YOUR SON.

He needs you, and he needs a responsible parent he can count on. You need to be a good dad and to make your son feels safe and loved and looked after.

Shift your focus from trying to get her back, to making sure your son has all the love he needs and deserves.

His mother sounds like an azz.

Eventually you will heal. I know it's hard to believe. If someone had told me the same when I was in your position, I wouldn't have believed it either..but it's true.

You will heal. This will become a memory. You will move on and you will be okay.

You will even find love again down the road when the time is right and when you've fully healed.

This is only a chapter in your life.

For the time being, work on yourself, work on getting past this.

Come to terms with it, change your focus. Spend any extra time you have with friends or family or keeping yourself busy.

Ignore Facebook and what she's doing.

Don't go there.

Practice as much self restraint with it as possible. You don't need to look and you don't need more pain. Let it go.

You can do this. Believe in yourself and in your strengths. It is very possible to move on from this place.

Well, I think SherrySher said it all. You just need time to heal and sort this all out.

Block her on all social media..that’s not immature it’s looking after your own well being. All communication should be about the kid only. Do you have a parenting plan? Visitation schedule? You should have an agreement in writing covering all holidays etc. and a legitimate child support agreement. You have a long road ahead since you share a child and eventually the sting will lessen and go away but you’ll still have to navigate the child issues. Thankfully kids get older and in time they can decide who they want to see etc, so keep in your child’s life and be a good dad.

My wife cheated and left after 24 years, our kids were adults by then (17 and 26) it hurt like hell but 5 years later and cutting her out of my life completely has helped. Good luck

Sorry to hear this happened. All you can do is be the best dad you can be. Make sure you have set court orders visitation/custody schedule and child support payments. Stay in touch regarding your son on one dedicated messaging app. Don't use fb to track or stalk her new bf/life.

When you live in someone's house you contribute to it, that may include furniture etc. Unless there was a very specific cohabitation agreement, anything you purchased but did not remove at the time of your departure may not be recoverable. Either you go get it or it stays, she doesn't necessarily have to reimburse you monetarily.

Hang in there. It sucks she cheated and moved on so quickly. Excellent you are a loving involved dad.

We have to meet up because of our son. Despite her owing me over 500 euros for the furniture I paid for in her house. I can't block her on Facebook or what's app because of our son

How can I have a good relationship with her after that?

I'm very, very sorry for all your pain.

I think one place to start is to be more honest with yourself about how this was not a good relationship for you, long before she cheated. I say this as someone who has been in a version of your shoes.

That first year was nice, yes. Good times, deep feelings. But after that? It sounds very frustrating and unsatisfying, for you, for years. Less like a romantic partnership than a kind of teacher/student and almost parent/child dynamic.

She showed you who she was many times over. Irresponsible. Restless. Selfish. Incapable of entertaining herself. Bored by life. These, for many, are signs to get out. For you, they drew you further in. It happens. Been there. The way you describe her she sounds less like a dynamic adult woman than a sullen teenager, almost to the point where I wonder if what you "loved," as time went on, was not who she was but who you thought she could be—when, you know, she finally grew up and fulfilled your fantasy of her potential.

As for who she actually was—well, it doesn't sound like you much liked or respected her. I don't blame you. Not much there to like or respect. Sounds like she doesn't much like or respect herself either, which is common in people who cheat. But rather than do the work to build self-respect she outsources to others—to men. That is a forever recipe for disaster, as she will invariably come to resent the man for failing to fix her. Feeling disempowered, she will lash out. In small ways, in big ways. As you learned.

I would take some time to see things in that hard (and, I know, harsh) light and to explore why you were drawn to those qualities and that dynamic, why you wanted to be the thing that fixed her, that cured her, why her lashing out (treating you like a dog) made you double down on the investment. Because that's the real relationship you were in, the dynamic you were committed to. Start seeing it like that and you'll start being happy that you're no longer in it.

It's not easy. I know from experience. I hope none of that strikes you as judgmental, because I feel for you.

My ex (3 years together) was irresponsible, always bored, kind of lost. She also ended up cheating on me, with two people. I can spin a narrative of victimization, easy, that looks a lot like yours, minus the kid. I put in a lot of effort to steer her on healthier paths, financially and emotionally. Took her on trips, got her jobs, coddled childish swings in mood. And what was my payoff? Infidelity, heartache, pain. In that narrative she becomes the face on the dartboard and I'm the miserable, bitter fool throwing darts in her eyes at the wee hours, cursing life and love between swings of whiskey.

But no. I don't want to be that guy. I'm not that guy. I'm a guy who was loads of love to give but was drawn to something toxic, unhealthy, and unsatisfying long before she cheated. I was not used. Part of it was simple: lust, attraction. Part of it was genuine: she had plenty of lovely qualities that I believed in and still believe in. Part of it, I had to accept, was that I "liked" the role of the responsible one, the even-keel one, the one who would help her realize her fullest self. Being with someone so lost allowed me to feel more found. It allowed me to feel like I was growing when I was standing still.

That's not fun stuff to own, but there's power in owning it. It demystifies everything and sets you on the path toward healing, toward real growth and happiness. You call it what it was—a sh*tshow you're lucky to be out of—and move on, head high, excited to have the opportunity, now, to cultivate a life that's not a sh*tshow. You're out of the quicksand. You can make different choices. You can direct your love toward more worthy sources.

You have a beautiful son. There is a lifetime of joy right there, a worthy vessel for all the love in your heart. Focus on that, as Sherry said, not on her. She is not a worthy vessel. The pain of infidelity does fade, if you let it. My ex's cheating is the faintest of bruises today. An unfortunate chapter. An extension of so many other qualities of hers that I did not like or respect, of a relationship dynamic I won't indulge again and am lucky to be out of.

That you share a child will make this more difficult. You'll need to create hard boundaries for co-parenting—boundaries that give your child a good life, and you space to heal and grow. It can be done. You're stronger than you know. Use that strength to cultivate an open heart, a resilient heart, a heart that nourishes and inspires your child and yourself.

Big hugs and best of luck.

Your first priority right now should be your son. If I were in your shoes, I would seek primary custody of him, as she isn't being a responsible parent, moving a guy into a home far less than a year of dating him. In her home, your son will likely be subjected to a revolving door of men entering his life and quickly leaving it. You said you were his main caretaker, so that should continue. She should be paying you child support payments, not the other way around. Get a good lawyer.

Do not answer her questions about your job, etc. Tell her that from now on, all discussions will solely be pertaining to your shared parental duties. It's ridiculous to think you have to subject yourself to seeing her social media accounts. It prevents closure. If she gets upset, so what? You've been upset your whole relationship.

Develop your self esteem so that you don't choose another woman who treats you like a doormat. Read some articles on positive self talk and other ways to gain self worth. When you're one day ready to date and meet someone who treats you special and has her @#$% together, you'll wonder why you stayed so long with Ms. Wrong. Take care.

Thank you everyone. I really appreciate your help. Despite everything she also said that while she was with me she didn't want to live. I really don't know how she can say that... I was always the one making jokes, trying to be fun and playful with her... She never wanted. She was fascinated and chased me to begin with. Then I all went downhill.

You're all right. I have to focus on my life and my son. At least I know his love is true.. Bless him.

To be honest I always thought that yeah we had our differences but I believed she was a good person deep down. That she would leave me before doing such a thing. Obviously not..

Look, she may be a good person deep down.

She is also, at least from what you've written, a deeply troubled soul. Saying she does not want to live? I'm not a trained professional, but that's depression 101. If she views herself as a victim of life, she will forever seek saviors. When they fail to save her—because that's not how it works—she will combust.

My ex who cheated on me? I believe she is a good person deep down, and I hope, for her sake, that she gets in touch with that person. For my sake, I want nothing to do with that journey, wherever it goes.

I also believe she is a deeply troubled soul. She said similar things, at various points.

Took me a long time to realize that, for all my genuine feelings for her, I had gotten into a bit of a trap where I wanted to be the solution to her turmoil. And, in ways, I was. At times. But that deep, dark stuff—that's for someone to work out on their own, or not; it's not for a partner to coddle or untangle. Get to close to that and you get lost in it yourself. You get sucked in and lose yourself. And you can get very hurt.

Right now the cheating hurts. It feels like a verdict, like everything you did—the jokes, the being fun and playful, the support—was a failure. But it's not that. It's her own demons, unchecked. Everything you did is still real, because it's who you are, what you're capable of doing when you love and care. Don't forget that. Just work on accepting that it's not for her anymore.

Your son's love for you is true, as is your love for him. Lean into that. And love yourself just as much. You deserve it.