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Depression in relationship


cherioki

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Both my boyfriend and I have suffered with mental illnesses since before we met. it can up and down for both of us but I know he feels guilty that he can't help when I'm not feeling good so I try my best to stay happy so I'm in a better place to support him and not make him worse. I think he realised that and I promised to tell him when I'm not feeling good so I do. but I just suggest we watch a movie together so I can feel better. but you know when you hold things in and it builds up and at some point you just break down and cry. that happened a couple of days ago when I was with him but it just made him feel worse. he said he's sorry but he doesn't think he can cope with it, he 'can't be ed to deal with both of us' . I understand what he means but the way he said just made me close up even more. everytime i try to tell him its bad again he just blames himself and it ends up with me comforting him and rarely him conforting me. there's no way I can tell him how I'm feeling when it just makes him feel worse and I know it won't help either of us. I have no idea what to do and if anyone has some advice I would really appreciate it

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Well, the problem is that a depressed person can make a non-depressed person depressed. So I can just imagine what it's like when two depressed people are depressed at the same time. There's no support system there. I just don't see there's much you can do. You need support to and you're not getting it from your boyfriend.

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Sorry to hear this. The best thing both of you could do is see a physician for a complete physical and get and evaluation, treatment and follow up. Also both of you should get support form therapists. Your bf made an excellent point that he can't continuously be a cheerleader for you when he's dealing with his own stuff.

 

This would take some of the burden off both of you to attempt to keep propping each other up so you could both focus on getting healthy rather than trying to fix and overburdening each other this much.

I just suggest we watch a movie together so I can feel better. but you know when you hold things in and it builds up and at some point you just break down and cry. he said he's sorry but he doesn't think he can cope with it, he 'can't be ed to deal with both of us' .
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Yeah i really feel like there is nothing to do, I want us to be better at communicating in a positive but idk how to get there yet

 

Are either of you in counseling to help you to overcome your depression? If not, why not? A professional is there to help you, your partner, particularly one that is also depressed is no one you should be counting on for support. Supporting you in your recovery with the help of a psychologist and (perhaps) proper meds is one thing... Expecting a loved one to support you through your depression as a lifestyle is quite another.

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I just finished a round of counselling and on meds. he tried therapy and meds but said he didn't like it and stopped both. it's just difficult I've been trying so hard for so long to get better and I don't want it to hurt him. obviously I'll keep trying but who knows

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Are either of you in counseling to help you to overcome your depression? If not, why not? A professional is there to help you, your partner, particularly one that is also depressed is no one you should be counting on for support. Supporting you in your recovery with the help of a psychologist and (perhaps) proper meds is one thing... Expecting a loved one to support you through your depression as a lifestyle is quite another.

 

 

I've had two rounds of counselling, currently on meds and see my gp every week. I'm not expecting him to support me at all, I have done everything outside of the relationship to get help.

 

I guess the problem is that I've tried so hard to hide how I'm feeling from him by letting it out to other people, and that obviously creates it's own barrier in a relationship.

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I've had two rounds of counselling, currently on meds and see my gp every week. I'm not expecting him to support me at all, I have done everything outside of the relationship to get help.

 

I guess the problem is that I've tried so hard to hide how I'm feeling from him by letting it out to other people, and that obviously creates it's own barrier in a relationship.

Why do you stay with him? You're not getting your needs met and he's not interested in getting help for his own depression. You are at least bright enough to get the help you need but he's just keeping you stagnated and bringing you down. Don't you think you'd be better off away from him just concentrate on getting yourself well? He's a lost cause really if he won't even get the help he needs and stick with it.

His indifference and apathy will not improve no matter how much YOU put into a relationship where only one of you are trying.

 

Sorry, I know you don't want to hear any of that but it is what it is.

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Why do you stay with him? You're not getting your needs met and he's not interested in getting help for his own depression. You are at least bright enough to get the help you need but he's just keeping you stagnated and bringing you down. Don't you think you'd be better off away from him just concentrate on getting yourself well? He's a lost cause really if he won't even get the help he needs and stick with it.

His indifference and apathy will not improve no matter how much YOU put into a relationship where only one of you are trying.

 

Sorry, I know you don't want to hear any of that but it is what it is.

 

No it's okay, I understand where you're coming from and I've thought about that too. And thank you for your advice.

I definitely care about him but I know I could probably use time to focus on myself.

I'm quite reserved so if I know someone is struggling I won't burden them with my problems. and I know that could potentially break down my communication with him?

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Yeah, I think this man isn't meeting your emotional needs--depressed or not. You're depressed, yet still do your best to support him. He doesn't sound like he's willing to put in the small effort it would take to keep you, nor is he willing to do anything to change his own circumstances. I'm not convinced that this would change even if his mental health improved.

 

The worst part, though, is that you feel pressure to be miss susie sunshine. He's not going to find this in any girl, it's an unrealistic expectation. Note to self: no one will ever be happy 100% of the time and they shouldn't fear being shamed or having their relationship go in the crapper if they display the full range of human emotion occasionally.

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Why do you stay with him? You're not getting your needs met and he's not interested in getting help for his own depression. You are at least bright enough to get the help you need but he's just keeping you stagnated and bringing you down. Don't you think you'd be better off away from him just concentrate on getting yourself well? He's a lost cause really if he won't even get the help he needs and stick with it.

His indifference and apathy will not improve no matter how much YOU put into a relationship where only one of you are trying.

 

Sorry, I know you don't want to hear any of that but it is what it is.

 

I agree. This is really unhealthy.

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Yeah, I think this man isn't meeting your emotional needs--depressed or not. You're depressed, yet still do your best to support him. He doesn't sound like he's willing to put in the small effort it would take to keep you, nor is he willing to do anything to change his own circumstances. I'm not convinced that this would change even if his mental health improved.

 

The worst part, though, is that you feel pressure to be miss susie sunshine. He's not going to find this in any girl, it's an unrealistic expectation. Note to self: no one will ever be happy 100% of the time and they shouldn't fear being shamed or having their relationship go in the crapper if they display the full range of human emotion occasionally.

 

Maybe it's not that he's "unwilling" but rather that he's "unable." He's depressed and if you know anything about someone who is depressed and not getting the help they need (either through therapy or meds) then they just can not do for others what they can't even do for themselves.

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It's hard as he is struggling with focusing on getting better too. When you love someone it's hard to see them struggling. So him seeing you struggling will make him down too.

 

Right now you may not be the best for eachother. It's great you are being proactive for your own mental health.

 

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=555412

 

I had posted this thread couple weeks back questioning this. My friend who has depression. Started dating a guy with depression.

 

I was interested to see other people's views. You can have a read through as it might help.

 

Wish you all the best :)

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