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Exploring Intimacy Issues within myself after devastating breakup


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Hello All - thank you in advance for reading my story. I'm not so much looking for advice as I am journaliing and venting

 

I had serious relationships for most of my 20's with some heartbreak in between there. Specifically a 3 month flame in 2009 (hence my username) - I struggled, and struggled and struggled with this 'relationship' ending when I was 25. Then I dated a woman who wasn't right for me until I was about 30.

 

Well 5 years have passed with no meaningful or significant relationships and I entered an actual relationship for the first time in 5 years; it started off beautifully and like nothing I will ever forget. We had so much in common and spent days and nights together. Things started getting a little bit more serious and long story short. My recently discovered fear of intimacy and/or issues with intimacy started presenting themselves. I became the opposite of what I had been; cold, critical, selfish and this presented itself over a cottage weekend where we were supposed to fall in love. I love this girl and still do and she is in a new relationship and it breaks my heart to this day. just when I think Iv'e got some positive eneergy flowing and momentum it just gets squashed. Having eachother still on social does not help but I think parts of us still want to stay connected.

 

I do not care what anyone says to me; I know best and I am 98% responsible for this relationship leaving my life. I've done some digging and realized I have a problem with intimacy - I can't seem to get as close as I want to with someone. I further began to realize that this girl I recently had dated starkly reminded me of my mother who had passed based on her mannuerisms & personality alone. I've identified some of these things as to why this has hit me so hard so now it's time to work through those intimacy issues and be honest with myself and whomever I end up dating next if I am so lucky.

 

I've never felt grief like this, I've had grief form losing family and past breakups but this is DEEP and intense and generally have a hard time keeping it together when my heart/mind goes there. There are some moments were I just don't think my heart can take it anymore as it's just so consistent and difficult to walk around with and function highly and taking care of myself and things at home. As I write this I begin to feel and understand the realities of the everyday and had a bit of a moment as I wrote this.

 

Anyhow, thanks for listening and take care of yourselves over this natrually challenging Holiday for many including myself. I'm going down south to get away from it all and we will see if any triggers present themselves while I am down there. Those don't go away -

 

Best,

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Well, I agree with melancholy that you need counseling to work on these issues and to see if your self-analysis is correct. But what specifically happened on that cottage weekend? There might be something else that is at work here. Did you have anger issues? ED? What happened?

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While I appreciate you reading my story - I didn't need to be told to go to Therapy. I've already been talking to a couple people - but thanks. It works for the moment but one has wanted to dive a little deeper into why I pushed her away.

 

Definitely no ED - our sex life was as happy as can be and had great chemistry this way. She seemed to like it more than I even did which is saying alot! No anger issues; I just think that I was being a perfectionist even though I am FAR from perfect. It was moreso being overly-critical, and thinking that 2% was missing for me and looking back the 2% doesn't even exist and I was placing too much emphasis on the things I was being critical about - 100% I was. I hadn't been close to anyone in about 5 years intimacy-wise and I wasn't prepared to treat it with care and responsibility it deserved.

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I didn't need to be told to go to Therapy. I've already been talking to a couple people.

 

It's just a suggestion because a lack of intimacy is a difficult problem and you really need someone to go through your experiences and figure out how and why it happened.

 

I just think that I was being a perfectionist even though I am FAR from perfect. It was moreso being overly-critical.

 

Well, to the other person, you being overly critical could come off as being emotionally abusive. And if this has happened in other relationships, then it's a pattern you need to examine. If she just reminded you of your mother, well, try looking for another girl. I've had girlfriends who reminded me of my mom and that didn't work out for me either.

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Sorry you're going through all this. How long has this been over?

 

I'm curious. Are there any parallels between this one and the brief one at 25, either in terms of the intimacy stuff or the way you're holding on?

 

appreciate your empathy and compassion here. Productive questions - The brief one at 25 was actually very similar; I didn't express how I felt about her and in this most recent case more of the same and as I write this I realize this lack of expression was causing resentment and fear of intimacy again.

 

The way I'm holding on is also similar but this time it's way more intense. We shared so much in common and she was a straight line for me, it worked. I liked her. I don't find this often at all and I"m afraid I'm going t have to wait another 10 years to find this given it is so rare for me. I do genuinely hope to reunite with her some day I just pushed her away and was irresponsible in those moments. I can't find answers and have a big open wound that isn't healing and am having trouble keeping it together throughout the day.

 

Thanks again for your concern, message and quesitons. Cool picture!

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Know what’s funny about that picture?

 

That’s me, in what is too often my false comfort zone: shielded, masked. There but not there. I think I ride a motorcycle because it allows me to be totally exposed and totally hidden. Cute look, with severe limitations.

 

In other words, I can relate a bit to what you’re exploring here, and encourage you, if possible, to try to take a deep breath and approach it all from a gentler place. Like, seriously give yourself a hug right this second, dumb as it feels. Then do it again.

 

Want to be intimate with another? It starts with being intimate with yourself. Want to treat another gently? Ditto.

 

So try to get curious, rather than critical, even when it comes to heartache, loss, your present pain. Think in terms of what is complex, rather than, as your handle suggests, broken. If you can start approaching yourself this way you’ll be more able to do so with others.

 

The reason I asked about the earlier one is to see about a pattern. That being: being in a thing, thing ends, and you go into deep holding on mode, frustrated at all you kept hidden, all you didn’t say or express, convinced that if only you had been more open everything would be different.

 

I get it. I live that, plenty. And maybe it could have been different, and probably there are some deep knots in there, some intimacy stuff—that’s for therapy. And also there may be something where you struggle to be present, and so it’s easy to romanticize the past in unhealthy ways—therapy, too, can help. I’d toss in yoga, because it helps me, though I also cringe at yoga preachers, so...

 

But always remember that, to some degree, just about everyone has some weird intimacy issues. We are all, in that respect, a little broken—beautifully so. In a lot of ways I think relationships work, or don’t, because (a) we’ve understood our own little broken pieces enough to soften their edges; and (b) you find someone who, for whatever reasons, keeps them soft rather than sharp. And that’s the total mystery. It can be that for a week, for 30 years, and suddenly change. Regardless of who is as fault for that change, ultimately it comes down to accepting that change, not fighting it.

 

Fighting it is holding on. Holding on keeps you in one place. This is a bit of what you may be doing, finding a false comfort in holding on, and in the process reinforcing this broken narrative.

 

There’s another narrative, equally true. Which is that you did connect, were intimate. Make sure to celebrate that, even as you explore where the disconnection occurred. Because that is real goodness, which you want to learn to expand and nurture better.

 

I held onto a big relationship in my early 20s for years, always wondering what in me was broken. Did it again in my 30s. For whatever was actually going on with me, whatever intimacy shortcomings flared up in those relationships, the holding on was probably unhealthier. And maybe, even, an extension of the same little pathology.

 

I don’t know if any of this helps. I know this moment is hard. Oh, do I. But maybe this helps you process it all a bit differently.

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Know what’s funny about that picture?

 

That’s me, in what is too often my false comfort zone: shielded, masked. There but not there. I think I ride a motorcycle because it allows me to be totally exposed and totally hidden. Cute look, with severe limitations.

 

In other words, I can relate a bit to what you’re exploring here, and encourage you, if possible, to try to take a deep breath and approach it all from a gentler place. Like, seriously give yourself a hug right this second, dumb as it feels. Then do it again.

 

Want to be intimate with another? It starts with being intimate with yourself. Want to treat another gently? Ditto.

 

So try to get curious, rather than critical, even when it comes to heartache, loss, your present pain. Think in terms of what is complex, rather than, as your handle suggests, broken. If you can start approaching yourself this way you’ll be more able to do so with others.

 

The reason I asked about the earlier one is to see about a pattern. That being: being in a thing, thing ends, and you go into deep holding on mode, frustrated at all you kept hidden, all you didn’t say or express, convinced that if only you had been more open everything would be different.

 

I get it. I live that, plenty. And maybe it could have been different, and probably there are some deep knots in there, some intimacy stuff—that’s for therapy. And also there may be something where you struggle to be present, and so it’s easy to romanticize the past in unhealthy ways—therapy, too, can help. I’d toss in yoga, because it helps me, though I also cringe at yoga preachers, so...

 

But always remember that, to some degree, just about everyone has some weird intimacy issues. We are all, in that respect, a little broken—beautifully so. In a lot of ways I think relationships work, or don’t, because (a) we’ve understood our own little broken pieces enough to soften their edges; and (b) you find someone who, for whatever reasons, keeps them soft rather than sharp. And that’s the total mystery. It can be that for a week, for 30 years, and suddenly change. Regardless of who is as fault for that change, ultimately it comes down to accepting that change, not fighting it.

 

Fighting it is holding on. Holding on keeps you in one place. This is a bit of what you may be doing, finding a false comfort in holding on, and in the process reinforcing this broken narrative.

 

There’s another narrative, equally true. Which is that you did connect, were intimate. Make sure to celebrate that, even as you explore where the disconnection occurred. Because that is real goodness, which you want to learn to expand and nurture better.

 

I held onto a big relationship in my early 20s for years, always wondering what in me was broken. Did it again in my 30s. For whatever was actually going on with me, whatever intimacy shortcomings flared up in those relationships, the holding on was probably unhealthier. And maybe, even, an extension of the same little pathology.

 

I don’t know if any of this helps. I know this moment is hard. Oh, do I. But maybe this helps you process it all a bit differently.

 

What do you mean by severe limitations? I do like the analogy here. In addition to the pieces with sharp edges. That's beautiful man - every thought about writing for a living?

 

This definitely does help - you really seem to get it. I do need to celebrate it more and feel it in more of a gentler place. I definitely did/do have some sharp edges when people start to get really close and I repel and my edges were too sharp for her at that point.

I became very sick of feeling like this and decided to write a letter. I drew a few things too that remind me of our relationship.

 

I am heading south to Florida for a week in less than a week; may very well send all this. Not as a means to move on, get her back but more just to completely express myself.

 

I really appreciate your feedback and positivity here - you've really helped me through a tough day among many. Cheers

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Thanks for the kind words—happy to help.

 

As for those limitations: Well, if you're unwilling or unable to expose yourself—to lift the helmet visor a bit, or, gulp, just take the helmet off—you risk putting those who expose themselves to you in a too-vulnerable position. A position where they feel too exposed, if that makes sense. If you're not giving enough of yourself to make someone feel safe out there on the ledge then they'll often look for safer ground elsewhere. The good ones, at least.

 

Writing a letter is great, but my advice, which you may not like, is to not send it. Expressing yourself is important—for yourself, to yourself. That in itself can be a salve to the sick feeling you're describing, to say nothing of getting more in tuned with yourself and your feelings, to cultivate that softness.

 

But sending it to her, whatever your intentions, is complicated. See, if you're sending it purely to her to "express yourself"—well, that's just kind of selfish, you see? You feel lighter, but she gets heavier—the weight you lifted is now on her. Ditto as a means of moving on. And if what you wanted from the letter, which I think, on some level, you do, is to trigger feelings in her that lead to possible reconciliation—well, now is not the time if she's involved. That, too, is selfish.

 

I hope you don't read those words and cringe. I am selfish in ways I'm often blind to, in ways that drive me nuts when I see them post-fact. I know right now you're hurting a lot, asking a lot of hard questions, entertaining those apocalyptic thoughts that you'll never find connection like this again.

 

But trust me: if you work on connecting to yourself you will find it in another sooner than you think. And you will feel less starved of intimacy because you are cable of experiencing it on your own, rather than only receiving it from another.

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Broken, do you want to conquer this fear? I assume you do, but the reason I ask is because a therapist (or even just yourself through reading and deep introspection) diving deep is precisely what needs to happen to conquer it.

 

You're kind of caught between a rock and hard place though, because on one hand you're strugggling and hurting due to your fear of intimacy, but on the other hand, the fear is preventing you from feeling comfortable seeking professional help and allowing another person to dig deep in order to conquer it.

 

So it's really up to you how badly you want to resolve because no matter what you do, there is going to be some discomfort, diving into your past, releasing certain emotions that you've been suppressing, etc, it IS deep stuff no getting around that if you wish to resolve.

 

Will it be challenging? You bet it will! But well worth it and I speak from experience because I struggled with the same fear and overcame it, and am now in a very happy and functional relationship!

 

Your choice, best of luck!!

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  • 2 weeks later...

Broken,

 

I understand how you feel. It's good to see that you have a high level of self awareness. You have reflected on your past relationships, realized the reason behind those failed relationships, as well as reflected on your own behavior. You cannot change what you dont acknowledge, so half of your battle has been conquered. All you have to do now is plan your next step forward, to healing yourself.

 

I understand that you still care for your ex and that will heal with time. You have a bright future ahead of you as well as a good relationship with someone else on the horizon. Because you have taken steps to do the "work" so that you dont make the same mistakes from your past- in the future.

 

You are way better off than my 60 year old ex- who has had plenty of beautiful women and cant hold on to not one of them. Every relationship he has had in his entire life has failed. He is a man with a God complex- (he is perfect) and refuses to see any flaws or fault in himself- yet will criticize you & your flaws endlessly & blame you for everything that goes wrong in the relationship. He pursues "broken" women and then cant figure out why ALL of his relationships fail- fragile women who desperately wanted love- get tired of his criticisms, & physical abuse and leave him to seek love elsewhere. We all realized that this low self esteem, deeply insecure man can never love us in the way that we deserved to be loved. He is just as broken as we were- and two broken people cannot fix each other. Since he believes he is flawless, he still sees no need to change anything in himself. And that's also why none of his exes ever reach out to him after breakups. We know he hasnt changed so theres no point. He is too old and set in his abusive ways. Besides, an insecure man will drain you- its mentally exhausting and soul sucking--the validation they require and yet, they give so little validation in return.

 

I said all of that to say this: you have started the process of healing and changing your life for the better. Your are destined for greatness. Your ex is in a relationship, but who knows what the future holds? You dont know what the dynamic of that relationship is. Continue to work on being the best you that you can be. You may cross paths with her in future; and if so, she will instantly notice the change in you. There may then be a chance for contact, or possible reconciliation. And if not, that's her loss and the next woman's gain. Life is about moving forward anyhow! Just keep doing your "work" and the universe will respond in kind! It worked out great for me when I did the "work" and I'm still doing it now. Good luck!!!

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  • 2 weeks later...
Broken,

 

I understand how you feel. It's good to see that you have a high level of self awareness. You have reflected on your past relationships, realized the reason behind those failed relationships, as well as reflected on your own behavior. You cannot change what you dont acknowledge, so half of your battle has been conquered. All you have to do now is plan your next step forward, to healing yourself.

 

I understand that you still care for your ex and that will heal with time. You have a bright future ahead of you as well as a good relationship with someone else on the horizon. Because you have taken steps to do the "work" so that you dont make the same mistakes from your past- in the future.

 

You are way better off than my 60 year old ex- who has had plenty of beautiful women and cant hold on to not one of them. Every relationship he has had in his entire life has failed. He is a man with a God complex- (he is perfect) and refuses to see any flaws or fault in himself- yet will criticize you & your flaws endlessly & blame you for everything that goes wrong in the relationship. He pursues "broken" women and then cant figure out why ALL of his relationships fail- fragile women who desperately wanted love- get tired of his criticisms, & physical abuse and leave him to seek love elsewhere. We all realized that this low self esteem, deeply insecure man can never love us in the way that we deserved to be loved. He is just as broken as we were- and two broken people cannot fix each other. Since he believes he is flawless, he still sees no need to change anything in himself. And that's also why none of his exes ever reach out to him after breakups. We know he hasnt changed so theres no point. He is too old and set in his abusive ways. Besides, an insecure man will drain you- its mentally exhausting and soul sucking--the validation they require and yet, they give so little validation in return.

 

I said all of that to say this: you have started the process of healing and changing your life for the better. Your are destined for greatness. Your ex is in a relationship, but who knows what the future holds? You dont know what the dynamic of that relationship is. Continue to work on being the best you that you can be. You may cross paths with her in future; and if so, she will instantly notice the change in you. There may then be a chance for contact, or possible reconciliation. And if not, that's her loss and the next woman's gain. Life is about moving forward anyhow! Just keep doing your "work" and the universe will respond in kind! It worked out great for me when I did the "work" and I'm still doing it now. Good luck!!!

 

 

Thank you all. This has been such a troubling time for me so these kind and productive words are nothing but helpful to me. The pain derives from my behaviour and things that I know directly drove her away. Feel very little substance in my heart right now but I appreciate all of your kind words and feedback from everyone in this thread and those providing it to others that are benefiting from this forum.

 

You are such kind and deserving people and wishing you nothing but the best and treating yourself the best in 2019.

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