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Thread: Sister in law abusive to whole family

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    Sister in law abusive to whole family

    My SIL has an 11 year old daughter. She doesn't drive, has always lived home with her parents, and has never allowed the father of her child to meet their daughter. The child is afraid to ask about her father and was always told she didn't have one.
    My SIL treats her father as her child's father. My father in law drives her everywhere she and the child want to go. It's his full time job to get her back and forth to work and to get the child to activities.
    Recently, my mother in law couldn't take it anymore. She was watching her daughter take over her house and marriage. She was very depressed and gave the ultimatum, she goes or I go. My SIL and her child moved to an attached apartment to her parents house. She does not pay rent. My FIL has the child while she is at work. He does everything a husband would and doesn't understand that it's wrong and getting more and more disgusting. I don't know if he's simple or a product of years of abuse and emotional incest.
    My SIL is so controlling towards everyone in the family. She is extremely jealous of her father spending any time with his wife or his other children. We are all so afraid to upset her because we know it will unleash unspeakable abuse on her child and father.
    Things have gotten much worse since she moved to the adjoining apartment. She won't speak to anyone but still expects her father to take her everywhere and help her around the house.
    It's effecting every relationship in the family. Do I report this? Anyone know where there is literature on daughters who pretend their fathers are their husbands? Help from anyone would be appreciated. I want to justify calling CPS as I know it would create so much more trouble.

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Is your FIL the father of your SIL's child? What is "emotional incest"? Is the child being forced to act like a spouse or parent to your SIL? On what grounds would you report this to CPS? Is the 11 being abused that you know of or strongly suspect?

    Or is this your remedy to sever the relationship between your SIL and FIL? What does your husband think of all this? Is your FIL retired or somehow a very involved grandfather? How does any of this involve you?
    Originally Posted by Elliee
    My SIL and her child moved to an attached apartment to her parents house. My FIL has the child while she is at work. I don't know if he's simple or a product of years of abuse and emotional incest. is literature on daughters who pretend their fathers are their husbands? I want to justify calling CPS as I know it would create so much more trouble.

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    My MIL came to us and stayed at our house for two weeks. She said she thought the only way out was to kill herself. My MIL told me she feels that her husband is cheating on her with their daughter. Emotionally speaking.
    Some of the situations my MIL spoke of speak to extreme control and seem quite abusive to me.
    It came to talks of divorce but my SIL sees no wrong in her actions and openly tells everyone she hated her mother.
    My FIL is close to retirement age but has not worked in years. He doesn't have time with his daughters schedule.
    My husband is very frustrated with the whole situation. He has stayed away from them but we would have never turned his mother away when she came to ask for help and solitude.
    They seem like they are so abused they can't help themselves.

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    I don't know if emotional incest is the right phrase. I've never heard or read about a situation where a 35 year old woman treats her father like her husband.

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    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    She was very depressed and gave the ultimatum, she goes or I go.
    Then why not go?

    The worst details you actually speak to involve her father driving her around. I'm not saying she isn't taking advantage of the situation or that she's necessarily being a good person by any means, but I don't think calling CPS with, "Uhhhh... my FIL is driving my SIL around all the time and it's awful" is going to solve too many problems.

    As an aside, grandparents chipping in to help their grandchildren, even if it's indirectly by helping their direct children, isn't something to inherently link to "emotional incest." Her enjoying free rides and him not being willing to risk further complicating his grandchild's stability should he refuse his stubborn daughter and she lose her job doesn't mean he or she views it as some kind of husband-wife dynamic. It's actually kind of a perversion on the accuser's part if they're coming to that kind of conclusion without something a whole lot more concrete to support it.

    It's incredibly hard to fathom a scenario where one woman without a drivers license is actively abusing an entire family of grown adults. It's quite possible the family is absolute **** at asserting their own boundaries, but that's not your problem, nor is it tantamount to some grand abuse. What are you and your husband doing to assert your own boundaries and separate yourselves from this toxic situation?

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    My niece is living in the yelling and role imbalances. The child is not allowed to maintain relationships with any of the family besides the grandfather. We are all very close. My niece is not allowed to go camping with my husband and I yet we take our nephews. She is not allowed friends over.
    My SIL would not let her daughter attend a beautiful event we took the whole family to because it was her birthday WEEK. It's hurtful. I love my niece.

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    My husband and I removed ourselves from the situation years ago for boundary reasons. Although we love the family, it was a toxic situation.
    It's not the driving. It's that she demands it be done. She is quite "sneeky" with tying up her father.
    When my husband and I got married. Everytime we planned a dinner with my In Laws to discuss the details of the wedding, my SIL had to be driven somewhere. For example, an hour away to see a movie. Then when she knew he was almost to dinner with us. She called to say she missed the movie and he had to get her.
    I don't understand why they are so afraid to say no, but then complain that it's happening

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    He does everything a husband would and doesn't understand that it's wrong and getting more and more disgusting. I don't know if he's simple or a product of years of abuse and emotional incest.
    ^^^ That seems a bit severe , but you must have your reasons for saying it .

    It is up to the parents to put their foot down and there is bugger all you can do , the ball is in their court . I imagine they run slightly on fear of never seeing their grandaughter again ...but ..it is up to them .

    As for her not being allowed to know who her dad is ...give it a couple of years and access to an internet and she will eventually piece it together herself .

    I don't know who you can report her to and what for in all honesty .

    My mum was very very good to me as I am a single mother , helping me with school uniform etc , although this case sounds a bit more severe , but still I rest with the same offering as above ..it is up to the grandparents .

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    You are absolutely right. It is up to them. We watch their actions and words and they don't add up.
    My in-laws say they can't handle the situation. Their daughter controls everything and they have to do what she says or their grandchild will have he'll to pay.
    Then they keep letting it happen. I know know how they want us to fit into this situation.
    We are much happier in our own fairly normal nuclear family.
    If there is emotional abuse that the child has to live with I do feel that needs to stop.
    My niece herself told me that she would like to see us but her mom gets mad because she thinks that she will have more fun with us

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    Originally Posted by Elliee
    You are absolutely right. It is up to them. We watch their actions and words and they don't add up.
    My in-laws say they can't handle the situation. Their daughter controls everything and they have to do what she says or their grandchild will have he'll to pay.
    Then they keep letting it happen. I know know how they want us to fit into this situation.
    We are much happier in our own fairly normal nuclear family.
    If there is emotional abuse that the child has to live with I do feel that needs to stop.
    My niece herself told me that she would like to see us but her mom gets mad because she thinks that she will have more fun with us
    aww Elliee it is sad to read ..always be there though ...one day that little girl will come to you of her own accord and your SIL can do nothing to stop her . Be that fab auntie from a distance cos there is no more you can do .

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