My brother's unspeakable act

My mother passed away nearly 3 weeks ago. Last night I had dinner with my Aunt. She told me that 2 years ago her youngest son disclosed he was sexually abused at the age of 6 or 7 by my brother who was 16. My brother is now 36.

My Aunt says it was one occasion. We think it happened when I was babysitting her children, in their home. My darling cousin wants to handle this his way and confront my brother when he is able. I think I'm in shock. I am definitely sick to the core. I don't know what I should do.

I have offered support to my Aunt. She has asked that I don't tell my cousin that I know what occurred. She doesn't want me to speak to my father about what my brother did. She didn't say anything earlier because she said it would have killed my mother.

I usually know how to solve crises, but I have no idea how to make sense of this. I am afraid to tell my therapist. What can I do to process this? What actions should I take?

If I have the timeline straight, the cousin who says he was abused is now in his 20's? 26 or 27? Abused by your brother, who is now 36?

They are all adults now. You should stay out of it and let your cousin handle this however he wants to.

It's unfortunate that your aunt chose to burden you with this, so soon after your mother's passing. Quite frankly, I feel it was cruel of her to do so.

You should take no action. As a child sexual abuse survivor I will tell you it is our story to tell when we want and to who we want to tell it to.

You can talk to a counselor if you need help processing. I am sorry for the loss of your mom and what is happening in your family. Family grief can bring out other tragedies such as what you are hearing now. I know when my grandfather died 6 years ago I thought I would want to tell the entire family what my uncle did to me. My grandfather kept it hush hush from everyone because he was embarrassed. I found out my feelings were different after tons of therapy. I no longer care. But it is still MY story to tell.

Sorry to hear this. Your therapist is the safest and best place to explore all this and cope with your mother's death in addition to this unsettling news your aunt, for some reason, decided to disclose while you were grieving.

There is nothing for you to do. It's up to your cousin to confront your brother and deal with it as he sees fit. You may also view your bother differently which is another topic for your therapist..

My mother passed away nearly 3 weeks ago. She told me that 2 years ago her youngest son disclosed he was sexually abused at the age of 6 or 7 by my brother who was 16. My brother is now 36. I am afraid to tell my therapist.

I'm sorry, but with pretty much every reason she explained she hasn't and won't tell other parties applying just as well to you, why is she telling you this, three weeks after your own mother's death nonetheless? I won't say there's something "off" about her account of her son and your brother, but there's certainly something off about her believing that informing her niece, at this time, and with the sole purpose of her just sitting on it is in any way proper.

By all means, talk to your therapist about this. They're likely far and away going to be your best source to confide in when it comes to such a sensitive matter. But for as difficult as it may be, until your cousin chooses to come to you or to your brother directly about it, I'd try to remain as neutral as possible. No one's saying you gotta take your brother's side, but your aunt needs to be offloading on someone who isn't her recently deceased sister's daughter who's presently undergoing her own formal therapy.

Yeah, I agree. Say nothing. Where this is all hearsay, you don't have any direct knowledge of the situation, and you don't know what really happened.

I will also say that I live in the state where the Fells Acre Daycare Center occurred in the 1980s. The case is now used in textbooks as an example where "recovered" memories where actually created by untrained counselors and the family that owned the daycare center served jail time for sexual abuse that did not happen. Although these kids were younger than your nephew, you have to be careful concerning these types of memories.

why can't you speak to your therapist? there is "privilege" to privacy there that can't be broken (aka your therapist can't tell anybody). Most especially since it is no longer occurring.

I think it is fine to speak to your therapist - atleast ask them how to deal with this. If you'r worried about it you can hide the details and just say "i learned a fact about a relative that has been disturbing and thrown me off .. and i'm not sure how to handle it or how to deal with it within myself. the disturbing info was in the past only..."

But therapist sessions by law do carry a privilege that therapists aren't allowed to divulge or reveal what yu've told them.

Good luck.... you are doing the right thing by offering your support and letting the cousin and their mother lead...

Yes, you can mention it to your counsellor. Your cousin is now an adult. The only time a counsellor reports anything of that nature is if a child is in danger . Or if a person plans to harm themselves or someone else . Past crimes are not reported unless the victim wants to.

I am afraid to tell my therapist.

Why are you afraid to tell your therapist? This is the stuff they're there for.

Thank you all for your replies. Some of this is what I wanted to hear and was feeling. Just needed it said.

why in heck would she tell you this??

Number one, its 20 years ago and your mother JUST died. Really - how dare she. I mean, its not like it happened 5 minutes ago at the funeral home. Really? This is a good time to bring it up

Secondly, you don't know what actually happened. Why would she tear the family apart?

It is possible the aunt JUST found this out. Kids very often don’t mention sexual abuse until something else brings it out. And when your attacker is a family member there is extra impetus to stay quiet and it often comes with threats that can be delivered. The death of the mother of the person who did the crime could do that . In that case the crime to the aunt is not 20 years ago. She is processing NOW.

It is possible the aunt JUST found this out. Kids very often don’t mention sexual abuse until something else brings it out. And when your attacker is a family member there is extra impetus to stay quiet and it often comes with threats that can be delivered. The death of the mother of the person who did the crime could do that . In that case the crime to the aunt is not 20 years ago. She is processing NOW.

It was stated the aunt had this knowledge for two years at this point in time:

Last night I had dinner with my Aunt. She told me that 2 years ago her youngest son disclosed he was sexually abused at the age of 6 or 7 by my brother who was 16.

I agree with the others. Do nothing, but consult your therapist. It is only the victim's story to tell. I imagine it will be hard looking your brother in the eye now. If it was me, I would need a lot of help not confronting a family member about something like this. He is your brother, not just a nobody. You have to interact with him, so developing good coping skills could make this easier.

Still, family tragedies bring out feelings for abused people when there is a connection. I know I lived it.