My bf left me and I did NC for 3 months. Now saw him 4 days ago..

Hi everyone.

I stumbled across this forum some days ago when I decided to meet up with my ex and later on - surprisingly - regretted it.

This whole thing is now clear to me, but would love to hear your 2 cents on it.

I'm sorry it's going to be somewhat of an essay to explain how it all happened:

We dated for about 6 months, during which I saw his parents, met some of his friends and also in the end had long-distance for about 2 months.

I was slightly depressed when we met, and later on I realized meeting him made it worse for me.

He was always a bit distant; couldn't communicate properly and I always felt a bit like I had to settle for things.

I learned he had been diagnosed with schitzophrenia and that he had 'times' when he just caved in and had problems trusting anyone. I witnessed some moments where he went from absolute turmoil to this fake optimism in less than 3 hrs.

During our dating I knew that he had the tendency to be manipulative, to twist things for his advantage and sugar coat things. He was a sucker for respect, so social gatherings and situations were always a game for him.

But we had our good moments and I saw that with patience, there was a good person inside too. My friends and family knew he was no good for me and I, on some level too, knew it.

Closer to the summer when I was flying back home for 2 months, things got better because I had the urge to leave and was constantly saying how i missed home (a different country). But it was also due to me getting pregnant unexpectedly - I was still on a pill.

He then made a 180, started to go to the hospital with me and took care of me, gave all the affection in the world.

I was a bit surprised that he had the ability for this and he told me that he didnt want the kid to grow up without his father. I was sure I would keep the child, with or without him.

We found out that it was an ectopic pregnancy (outside the womb) so we had to do an abortion.

It was an intense time for me, but it brought us closer together.

When I flew back home I told him I was happy to go and wanted to be carefree and just forget about everything related to the pregnancy and the country. During the LDR we talked alot through calling and that made our communication so much better. I was waiting to fly back at the end of the summer and was actually optimistic we had reached a mutual point in our relationship where he was respectful and considerate of me.

We then decided to book a small trip to another country outside our home countries where he was going with some friends, to meet up and see each other before I was coming back.

During that trip I realized he was still the person who'd cave in and couldnt communicate. I felt so alone, even when with him. He also said things like he cannot do the 'relationship thing' and other stuff that really hit me hard. On the last day of the trip I told him I couldnt do it anymore and that we should break it off now that we still enjoyed each other. I didn't want to do it, but I knew deep down I had do. I knew I deserved better. I told him I felt restricted when with him, because I never knew what kind of mood he was having. He then actually said that he thought everything was good between us and that we were making progress. I knew we were but felt that in a balanced relationship, we would have had more stable feelings towards each other by that time. I also mentioned, that I know from experience how a good relationship feels like and that ours didnt feel like one since I was enduring alot of things..

It was a peaceful and respectful ending where we both cried and agreed to 'see how things would go' for the next couple of weeks when I was back home before flying back to his home country. Truthfully, I thought I would either get over him then that I was being honest about these issues and honest with myself, or that we could work things out since we were on a good path and things were progressing.

Well our contact became less and less and I felt anxious about flying back, which before had felt like a joyous thing.

On the day of my flight, I called him and we talked a bit and agreed he'd pick me up from the airport. I stayed at his place and it was good, but I sensed the mutual respect wasnt there and that it had dropped to this state of 'just hanging out'. The next day when he was driving me home, I asked him if he did some thinking about the whole thing and how he felt, because I felt somethings shifted. He said everything was good and that we should just do our own thing (you do yours and I'll do mine). I was pretty shocked. I thought we would at least have a real conversation about it, that this is the final decision, but it felt like he already decided for himself. It felt like he was leaving me this time and it was taking place in a car while driving. He was basically trying to downgrade our relationship to whatever suited him at the moment, no responsibility.

The last thing I saw of him was when he was trying to keep his pokerface and quickly hugged me in front of the car. I was just shaking my head in disbelief. He then looked away and shed some tears while sitting back into the car.

I was furious but still shook. How could he let us go so easily ?

During the first cople of weeks he liked some of my pics on ig, but i then sent him a message i had to block him so we could do this smoothly.

After 1,5 months I saw him once at this outside bar, but didnt go talk to him. Im pretty sure he saw me too, but respected my decision to have NC.

I was doing fairly ok, even met someone else during this but it didnt work out since I noticed I wasnt happy with how things had ended with my ex. Couple of weeks ago I started to check his ig more and noticed becoming more furious on how he could just give us up like that. At a party last weekend, I met a mutual friend who told me he had been asking about me about a month ago. I then decided to send him a message and meet up with him on neutral grounds just to discuss and see how I would feel. Something came up and we decided to meet at his place, where his roommate was too with some friends. I already felt a bit iffy about it but made up my mind on seeing him. We catch up and laughed about some stuff and I felt relieved we were on good terms. He also said he was surprised that I was so consistent with the NC, I think his exes all came back within a week. I was about to leave when he then said that it would be great if i’d stay. I felt this old warmth and .. stayed.

Of course we had sex though I tried to put it off when he started to come close to me. I knew that wasnt the reason I went there for.

In the morning I felt used. We talked some more but noticed I was the one telling him how I felt about the breakup and what I learned during NC. I didnt go there to continue from where we left, but to see that we were good with things.

His opinion on this was that he still likes to hang out with me but is happy to do things as he pleases.

It has now been 4 days since this happened and I kinda took a step back with my process of getting over him. What happened, happened and now I need to pick myself up again.

I am disappointed I let him talk me into staying but also know in the end it was my decision. Im going back home for Christmas and can reflect on this without the fear of bumping into him.

Is there other people who experienced similar things and how did you go about them ? I don’t really feel I got the answers I was looking for and still think our talk on the trip was his way out and he took it without any proper discussion. I know Im better off without him, but all the worthlessness came flooding back in and Im ashamed I even contacted him.

Sorry to hear this. Are you students? How did it come about that you live in a different country?

Was he diagnosed with it when you were dating or did you know about it beforehand? Is he on medication for the schizophrenia?

It sounds like he's not capable of a relationship at this time. You weren't "used". You messaged him, hooked up and perhaps had different expectations that he miraculously didn't have schizophrenia and was suddenly capable of a relationship. Perhaps you underestimated the impact of his struggle with his condition on any relationship.

It would be best to cease contact and not hope for change so you can step back reflect and move forward.

We dated for about 6 months. long-distance for about 2 months.

 

he had been diagnosed with schizophrenia

 

I felt so alone, even when with him. He also said things like he cannot do the 'relationship thing' and other stuff that really hit me hard.

He said everything was good and that we should just do our own thing

Of course we had sex though I tried to put it off when he started to come close to me.

Sorry to hear this. Are you students? How did it come about that you live in a different country?

 

Was he diagnosed with it when you were dating or did you know about it beforehand? Is he on medication for the schizophrenia?

 

It sounds like he's not capable of a relationship at this time. You weren't "used". You messaged him, hooked up and perhaps had different expectations that he miraculously didn't have schizophrenia and was suddenly capable of a relationship.

 

It would be best to cease contact and not hope for change so you can step back reflect and move forward.

Hi Wiseman. I am a student and moved to his country to study. He is working, but we're both the same age, 30. He was diagnosed 8 years ago and reflected alot on the diagnosis though I felt it was just an excuse he used that he wasnt able to commit to me. He always also said how he doesnt want to end up hurting me and how he is just the way he is. Not taking responsibility.

He is on medication and also self medicates, which I tried to brush off because I saw more in him.

I also agree on just moving forward and being my best self.

Thanks for your input on this

Schizophrenia is not an "excuse". It is a legitimate condition that has to be extremely difficult for the person who has it.

Anyway, there were so many signs this man would not and could not be a healthy partner. I'm not sure why you chose to ignore all of them.

Sounds like you have chosen to move forward, which is the best decision. I would suggest you don't try again to meet to "discuss". There really isn't anything else to discuss.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but it sounds like you broke up with him hoping he'd change his ways right then and there and beg you to stay together. Sounds like you were hoping he'd do the same when you met up with him again. Truth be told though, YOU broke up with him and he's moved on, rightfully so. I'm not sure why you keep wanting to check if you two "are good". What does that even mean? You broke up, you're done. Are you hoping to reconcile?

Well, to quote the Mayo Clinic: "Schizophrenia is a serious mental disorder in which people interpret reality abnormally. Schizophrenia may result in some combination of hallucinations, delusions, and extremely disordered thinking and behavior that impairs daily functioning, and can be disabling. People with schizophrenia require lifelong treatment."

I think all the answers you're looking for is right there in that statement. Please accept this as your closure. You were dealing with a mentally ill person and this is why he acted the way he did. What you expected is different from what he could give you.

In any event, you've learned that breaking NC just sets you back, so don't contact him again and try to move on.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but it sounds like you broke up with him hoping he'd change his ways right then and there and beg you to stay together. Sounds like you were hoping he'd do the same when you met up with him again. Truth be told though, YOU broke up with him and he's moved on, rightfully so. I'm not sure why you keep wanting to check if you two "are good". What does that even mean? You broke up, you're done. Are you hoping to reconcile?

This is the thing. I brought up the issues we had hoping we could try to fix them together. We still both wanted to be with each other. Instead he decided to break up for good without any further discussion, without even being able to say the words to me. Of course I felt deeply hurt ? Which I take as a normal reaction to this.

So when I did bring the issues up to talk about them and saw that he couldnt put himself in the place of even trying to work on them together, just stating he was like this and wasnt able to love anyone. I never wanted to break up with him, but I really saw it as my only option. Dont want anyone to beg for anything, but of course we always hope we would've meant more for them..

And what comes to his illness; he was on a better track when we were seeing. Didnt mean to make it sound like I didnt take it seriously, I always did and helped him with it if I saw it was taking a toll on him. But he was also using it for everything that wasnt working for him, so sometimes it felt a bit like an excuse.

And to clear things up, he is quite social and well known figure in his profession so he did juggle alot of stuff all the time. He just couldnt put the same effort with us. But thats just a decision he made.

OK, it was 6 mos of dating and sometimes things just don't work out. To be honest he doesn't need an excuse. He could simply not be feeling it or found it too taxing.

But he was also using it for everything that wasnt working for him, so sometimes it felt a bit like an excuse. he is quite social and well known figure in his profession so he did juggle alot of stuff all the time.