Was it cold feet or was it me?

This is a follow on from my first thread that I posted about a month ago "Is he embarrassed or is it just cold feet?"

A lot has happened following that during the month for me relating to personal self discovery and work challenges.

Brief over view for those that don't know or can't remember... I thought the intial "break up" of him telling me he has cold feet and couldn't make me happy long term was due to him being embarrassed.

Prior to that all had been "norma"l until his last incident of erectile dysfunction that I never addressed. So I assumed the break up was down to him not feeling like a "man" and able to "make me happy".

We have not been in contact since the vague "break-up".

I thought I would regret not reaching out to him at the time... A month on and I do really regret it but now know it's too late. So essentially nothing can be done now. So focusing on moving on.

Looking back especially with the unfolding of the work related drama... I feel like maybe it was more than cold feet and may be all down to me!!!

I guess I was so caught up with work and now it's finally hit an end point. I've now had time to think of other things. So he has crossed my mind lately and I've reflected on it all now a month later.

Your perspective would be great. As it's going around in my head. Sometimes getting it out and having someone look at it less subjectively can be helpful.

Not sure if this is the right section. But as it was to do with when we were "dating" and I am looking for advice on the run up. Guess here is the right place to post.

So here goes...

The last two weeks we dated... Work stress hit it's maximum. It was bad before but I would brush it off. Always made time for him before. And never spoke about it with him either as why bring negatives things into a new relationship.

I had started getting more work from my manager. I ended up staying later and later at work.Getting late for dates ect.

He also works in HR so understood my role. The most he said was I shouldn't be working more than I'm being paid for. On date night he would always work extra hours to match my time as we worked in the city together so seemed silly for him to go home to meet me after. He would always claim back those hours for work - he was shocked I didn't.

I think I made a slight reference that things are tense with my manager. Never went into detail as I didn't want to burden him. Also was embarrassed about what was going on with my manager. So joked it off as always.

So back to those last two weeks... It was the run up to my weekend away. He was keen to see me before. So he arranaged a lovely date at his. He cooked dinner. Got champagne. There was even roses. He went the whole nine yards. Even then I got to his late due to having work to do, he was fine with it. I ate, we chilled. I fell asleep so early that night due to being so exhausted with work. Didn't even shower twhich I always do before bedtime - so not me at all. Looking back: this could signal disinterest on my part? Which was not the case...

Got ready for work the next day. He messaged something sweet the next day like how lucky he was to of found me. I sneaked a reply at lunch. Then we messaged as normal after work. Got to the stage work was busy and I couldn't chuck the odd message during a tea breaks anymore. Got home and fell asleep early that night!

Anyway next day. Bussiest day I've had at work by this time. Didn't even get to reply to him till I left the office as I worked through lunch and finished till 9ish that evening. He seemed normal. But looking back and seeing how even guys on this forum question girls texting habbits. Maybe he thought that was odd? I don't know!

The friday before my holiday. He asked me out on a date. I had to decline as I worked till 9 o'clock that night again. Then had to get home pack and get ready. I felt he understood, but again he was shocked I was working so late on a Friday.

During my time away he was lovely. So attentive. The "I miss you" texts. The send me pics of what you are up to. Stay safe ect. Hinting about a massive Mario game sesh when I was back. So all in all super normal.

Despite being busy at work I saw him as being attentive... But thinking back maybe he saw me as being distant? Didn't cross my mind till now. It all felt normal with him pushing for contact and dates.

When I was back he pushed for the date we had the Friday. So I went over. Exhausted yet again. Fell asleep early after the "ED incident".

Then the pulling away happened following that. Then the following week was the "break-up".

Those two weeks I was so unhappy with work. I thought I covered it up well. It only took resigning and one of my colleagues saying that the last month and a half I've seemed so unhappy. Made me think... Maybe he saw that too? I had been hiding it well as my family hadn't noticed (minus my mum - you can't hide things from her!) or close friends. Thought I was hiding it well enough from him. As when I was with him, family and friends I was so happy away from work. Although it got to the stage where I was getting anxious about going into work the next day.

The date before my holiday when he laid out an amazing meal and date. When I fell asleep I jumped out my sleep a couple times during the night which he noticed! Which was new for me with the work anxiety. Since being away from work it has stopped happening. Maybe he felt I wasn't comfortable with him? As it hadn't happened before.

I am curious if my actions may have given him cold feet. Maybe he thought I wasn't interested with the lateness to dates. The not seeming "happy". I was thinking coupled with his PE incident and the couple ED bouts maybe he really thought I was unhappy with him! As he didn't know how unhappy I was with work!

I am rambling and overthinking like most other posters when it comes to our own issues. It was my colleague flagging up my unhappiness that got me really thinking. So a fresh set of eyes would be nice.

Also would you have discussed the work thing? I didn't feel like I wanted to burden him with it. I liked how our dates and time spent together was light and airy. So didn't want to get heavy with work drama with him.

Would you guys have handled things differently than I did?

Please none of the comments... "I should be over him by now!" I don't think I had a time to address the "breakup" emotionally what with other life dramas. So I'm just dealing with it now. Better late than never as they say.

Just looking for advice and your perspective on my actions during the run up to the breakup. As I would like to learn from the experience.

Wouldn't want a new guy I meet in the future that I connected with feel like I was being "distant" and "not happy". Want to learn if I should have acted differently. All about growing from past experiences after all!

I could just be merely overthinking while going through the "acceptance" stage a little later down the line.

Thanks in advance guys :)

Sorry guys

I have a habbit of writing awful essays!

Jelly, I know these spins well. I'm in some version of them myself at the moment. Maybe I'll post if I feel up for being vulnerable.

Anyhow, onto you.

My sense is that, as you're realizing, you were way more stressed out than you knew. That happens. Lots. Often. It's basically life, and I think one thing we all work on learning as we get older is how to manage stress, whatever the source, so it doesn't get in the way of other important things. Personally, I've lost one big relationship, and a number of almost relationships, because I didn't realize how much I was allowing work to atrophy my emotional bandwidth. I've made some changes from those lessons.

So, yeah, I'm sure this had some effect—or at least you make a very convincing case above that it did.

That said, that's where you were, who you were, when you met him, when you guys were exploring things. At the end of the day, relationships work because we can meet people where they are and be met with where we are in a way that produces calm and warmth and excitement. It's so tricky, because those early moments are so fragile and timing is very real.

I'm curious: Are you considering reaching out? Or are you just looking for lessons moving on and forward? Be honest!

Jelly, I know these spins well. I'm in some version of them myself at the moment.

OK bc, gonna call you out a bit on this; per your last post on OceanMoon's thread, the one I responded to, wherein you posted that fire in woman's belly confronting you, pushing you a bit, turns you on.

So may I ask why you're still in a spin with your "sort of" ex? Why not take your own advice and confront, let her see that fire in YOUR belly, telling her you think she's being a bit ridiculous (again per your post on OM's thread)?

I don't recall reading that you ever did that, you just sort of allow yourself to remain in this "spin," the unknown, the uncertainty.

Does remaining in that state of uncertainty feel safer to you or something? Given what you posted on OM's thread, I find that interesting.

Apologies for the hijack JB! But maybe applies to you too?

Well, you've quit your job, and unless you're in another stressful, exhausting job where you're absolutely wiped out to the point you can't even stay awake during a date, you should do a lot better dating the next time.

The guy you were dating was a bit weird, perhaps moving too quickly into a relationship and having sexual problems. But I admit the first time I had sex I had a similar experience as he did. And I didn't climax about half the times when I was with my girlfriend either. I had condoms that slipped off that freaked me out. She got on top of me one time before I had gotten the condom on and I had to throw her off. I was worried about getting her pregnant all the time. And there was the pressure of having to do it quickly before anyone came home. There's also the loss of feeling using a condom I didn't like and seemed to make things difficult

There were just all sorts of things I was worrying about that affected my enjoyment of it and the ability to perform. It wasn't really until my wife came along and her going on The Pill that I was able to relax and enjoy it. Ironically, when she went off The Pill in her 40s and we tried various forms of birth control, I liked the female condom better than the others. You can lubricate both sides and there's a lot less worry about it slipping off. It might have saved your boyfriend some of his anxiety since you're the one who puts it in. He doesn't have to do anything up show up. I recommend you looking into it the next time.

So I don't know what you could have done differently. Maybe nothing. Hopefully you'll get a job that's a lot less stressful and a boyfriend who can relax better too.

Great advice from DanZee. Is this the same guy? :https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=554986&p=7061639&viewfull=1#post7061639

Jelly, I know these spins well. I'm in some version of them myself at the moment. Maybe I'll post if I feel up for being vulnerable.

 

Anyhow, onto you.

 

My sense is that, as you're realizing, you were way more stressed out than you knew. That happens. Lots. Often. It's basically life, and I think one thing we all work on learning as we get older is how to manage stress, whatever the source, so it doesn't get in the way of other important things. Personally, I've lost one big relationship, and a number of almost relationships, because I didn't realize how much I was allowing work to atrophy my emotional bandwidth. I've made some changes from those lessons.

 

So, yeah, I'm sure this had some effect—or at least you make a very convincing case above that it did.

 

That said, that's where you were, who you were, when you met him, when you guys were exploring things. At the end of the day, relationships work because we can meet people where they are and be met with where we are in a way that produces calm and warmth and excitement. It's so tricky, because those early moments are so fragile and timing is very real.

 

I'm curious: Are you considering reaching out? Or are you just looking for lessons moving on and forward? Be honest!

That's my fear life is stressful and I don't want to be in that situation that I lose a potentially great relationship.

I'll going on to start a PhD in the new year. I don't that stress for me to hinder the dating process in the early days.

I do think it may have some effect. But also may have had a lot to him and his own secruities. I am just in that accepting stage.

I do believe it is too late for me to reach out. I've never reached out to an ex before. So wouldn't want to open that up.

I regret I didn't reach out a month ago... but the past is the past. So I can't change that now.

I think I'm looking for a lesson.

Like I said life is stressful... So the real question is "Would you tell a new partner about external stress I life?"

Apologies for the hijack JB! But maybe applies to you too?

Haha it's okay hijack away!

I'm interested in BC's answer. Not sure if it applies to me. As much as I would like too reach out. I feel like it is too late.

So maybe it's best I use this as a lesson for next time.

I don't mean to push you Jelly—especially (winking at you, k) because I might be slyly using this thread to push myself—but a month is a grain of sand. Just saying. Especially if you only dated for 2.5 months. Especially if you'd like to reach out because he resonates with you in a way that feels unique. Sure, maybe that resonance is loneliness. But what if its stardust that just couldn't quite be harnessed a few months ago?

Like I said, timing is real, and sometimes things do circle back around, especially when you haven't been with someone long enough for all sorts of screwy dynamics to sink in and take hold. That said, if his own insecurities also give you pause—because, yeah, he's got his sh*t too, as you've got yours—that's something to consider.

Again, just saying. Ignore that, if needed. Or, hey, push me back and maybe I'll crack more and we can cry on each other's shoulders and emerge stronger.

THAT said, to the lessons!

Obviously, the utopia in which no one actually live in is a world of no stress. The second best utopia, which no one lives in either, is the world in which stress never gets the best of us. Then, after that, we have that place where we all live: reality, that messy, wonderful place.

Stress is part of the place, so it's something, yes, we share with new partners. Now, to be clear: there is a difference between sharing it and offloading/unloading it onto new partners.

To me—and I relate to this—it sounds like you kind of wanted to deal with all your stress in one compartment so you could be all rainbows and unicorns in the other compartment. You were so worried about unloading it that, in kind of hiding it, the stress was compounded and slipped in anyway.

How to learn from that, moving forward? Well, we all work on managing stress through life. At 39 I have 10 times the stress points I had at 29. Back then it was basically work spiked with the existential question of will my life ever mean anything; today it is work, two mortgages, my mother's health, my friends' marriages, the grim reaper of the tax man, to say nothing of those same existential questions which take on a nuclear-grade glow at the crest of midlife.

But I handle it all a lot better. I'm a pretty chill dude. I once was not. I had to lose some things, some loves, to work on that chill. I had to realize—and I was late to the game on this one—that nothing really matters if you're not sharing it with people you love.

Early in dating we all want to be super awesome and super sexy all the time. And the fun of early dating is that we often do! But, well, sometimes that's hard, like when you worked late, show up late for a dinner, and are kind too stressed and exhausted to do anything but crash. So, right there, is actually a moment to be more open, more vulnerable. To let someone know where you are, right there, rather than see if you can suppress that or levitate back up to cloud 9 with the help of some champagne. Sometimes a warm talk about what's going on in life is just as hot as a romp in the sheets.

I so struggled with that when I was young. I thought I always had to be an awesome super stud, Mr. Fun, Mr. Awesome, and when work got in the way of that I kind of combusted. I went into a little hole, shut people out, and then emerged when I could put on the Fun Show. Or I stuttered and flailed and ed about work—offloading. Neither worked.

Now I can say things like, "Hey, I'm crazy about you, so into this, but here's the thing: I have a project that is going to devour me for the next 6 days. I won't be as communicative, because I need to put a bit more of my head up my own a** to get this done. I'd love to see you once or twice during the week, if you're cool with getting sweatpants/half present me, and come day seven we can do something awesome."

Or something like that, you know? At the end of the day, everyone loves imperfect more than perfect.

JB, you said you're looking for learning experiences, and imo you do this by taking risks, challenging yourself, stepping away from your "comfort zone."

It's obvious you are still thinking about him, your RL and how it ended, so why not take the risk and reach out wishing him happy holidays? You might also want to say you weren't comfortable with how things went down between you at the end and would he like to have a drink to (1) celebrate the holidays, and (2) to perhaps discuss?

I realize that's a very bold approach, and yes you're taking a risk by doing that but I've done that or similar and actually had men respond very well to it.

I dunno jmo but what do you have to lose? Literally nothing, except perhaps one second of disappointment if he doesn't respond or turns you down.

But at least then you'll know, and per your previous thread, won't be walking around for the rest of your life wondering "what if."

And no it's never too late to reach out letting someone know you're thinking about them regardless of who ended it, imo.

And as I mentioned in your previous thread, I thought the way he ended it was quite ambiguous anyway, I know others disagreed and that's fine too.

If he had been more direct, flat out telling you he didn't wish to date you anymore, or words to that effect, my advice might be different, but that's not what how it went down.

Anyway, JMO of course. I would.

Well, you've quit your job, and unless you're in another stressful, exhausting job where you're absolutely wiped out to the point you can't even stay awake during a date, you should do a lot better dating the next time.

Thanks for you reply.

But let's say I am faced with a stressful job. Would hate for it to effecting dating. Shouldn't I be open about it the stress levels with someone. Even if it is early days?

The guy you were dating was a bit weird, perhaps moving too quickly into a relationship and having sexual problems. But I admit the first time I had sex I had a similar experience as he did. And I didn't climax about half the times when I was with my girlfriend either. I had condoms that slipped off that freaked me out. She got on top of me one time before I had gotten the condom on and I had to throw her off. I was worried about getting her pregnant all the time. And there was the pressure of having to do it quickly before anyone came home. There's also the loss of feeling using a condom I didn't like and seemed to make things difficult

Funny the fact you say this has struck with me with understanding the situation with "rushing".

As the first time he invited me over for lunch and a "cuddle" he was thrown off as his flat mate was never meant to be home. Hence th first and only episode of PE.

But all the times he had an episode with the ED was when we didn't have th flat to ourselves.

Never put the two and two together until now. Quiet rushed sex is not a big deal for me. But maybe it wasn't as comfortable with that.

But you are right maybe he is just a bit "weird"

There were just all sorts of things I was worrying about that affected my enjoyment of it and the ability to perform. It wasn't really until my wife came along and her going on The Pill that I was able to relax and enjoy it. Ironically, when she went off The Pill in her 40s and we tried various forms of birth control, I liked the female condom better than the others. You can lubricate both sides and there's a lot less worry about it slipping off. It might have saved your boyfriend some of his anxiety since you're the one who puts it in. He doesn't have to do anything up show up. I recommend you looking into it the next time.

I am on birth control. So don't think that was his worry. The reason for the condoms was to protect from STDs as we never went and got tested together. But where it was a new relationship and despite being exlusive I was being careful. But will think about maybe have the "when last have you been tested talk" early on to scrap condoms if I have this issue in the future. I personally hate using them too.

So I don't know what you could have done differently. Maybe nothing. Hopefully you'll get a job that's a lot less stressful and a boyfriend who can relax better too.

Thanks. This has made me feel at ease with the situation. As I started to feel bad that my stress may have exacerbated his performance anxiety.

You have no control over how much the little ED episode affected him. I've said this before on these threads, but I think it's a real shame that there isn't more language in the world for men experiencing these moments, because we ALL do, and not only when we're cresting over the hill or well over it. With the right language they can be truly awesome moments to go deeper, intimately, rather than further away. Been there plenty. Ah, wistful swoon emoji.

Curious to hear what you say to katrina's recent post, as it (as always) more concisely says much of what I said about reaching out.

ok a few thoughts here as there is a lot going on in this thread:

1. you are actually LUCKY to be rid of him. There were enough clues (the big one being all those flowers - especially if they were roses) on such an early date. that’s typically a HUGELY BAD SIGN (of a bad person masking their true colors by going over the top “nice” early and often). So let me rest your weary head right off the bat - you just saved yourself a LOT of grief and pain with that guy. Move on from him.

2. i can tell you from direct experience NOW with the gal i’ve been dating (only 2 mos) that the right one would be understanding and supportive of your work - we’ve all been there and have had a bad boss, a stressful job, or a busy job. Anybody that can’t understand that and hang with that - they won’t be a good partner. So.. for the future, realize that when it’s a good one, and the right situation, and something with TRUE possibilities - there isn’t anything you can to do “screw it up” (not the small things like being busy at work, being stressed out, that your focus needs to be elsewhere temporarily whether you want it to be or not).

3. there is some truth to the “don’t make life ABOUT work....”. We aren’t here to work. Our lives shouldn’t be about going to work for somebody else. Too many of us allow this to happen and that’s too bad. So big lesson #1 is to learn how to not let that happen at work - to let work takeover and rule your life. If work is not allowing you to live your life - then time to make changes (either drawing lines at your current work or finding new work). So in that spirit BIG LESSON #2 is - even when you are busy, stressed, etc. - although its understandable and a good dating or love partner WILL understand - MAKE sure work never takes over your life and always make time for the important things in your life - be it family, loved ones, your health, etc.

Lastly. yes. you way overthink and over analyze things. The best BIG LESSON #3 you can take on is to learn how to “let it go.” Learning to let it go, move on, not dwell, and just keep looking forward and focusing on RIGHT NOW and that’s it - is one of the best lessons in life we can learn - as doing just this can change your entire life. So.. stop worrying if a, b, and c “might have screwed this up” or that... it doesn’t matter. it’s the past. learn what you can from what you’ve experienced and move on - can’t change it, it’s gone, it’s done. Energy is better spent making sure TODAY and the future you do it right.

Good luck to you... take a breather.... its’ not nearly as huge or big or life effecting as you think. (btw.. MY way of reminding me of this at every turn? i call it the “DEATH BED ANALYSIS”... What am I going to think or wish i did if i were on my death bed and looking back at this situation? Am i going to remember it? worry about it? That’s how i make decisions today.

To me—and I relate to this—it sounds like you kind of wanted to deal with all your stress in one compartment so you could be all rainbows and unicorns in the other compartment. You were so worried about unloading it that, in kind of hiding it, the stress was compounded and slipped in anyway.

I do believe in the whole timing thing. As sometimes you could be great for each other but "life" gets in the way.

I'm naturally like that and tend to try and deal with things myself. I'm that girl who always has a smile on her face regardless. Which is why I thought it had been working but the cracks showed clearly.

That said I do believe in sharing. As I've shared other life stress with previous partners but that was when we was in an established relationship.

So that part I will regret. The not being honest. To be honest I didn't realise it was as bad as it was until I left the "stressful" environment.

Thank you for sharing your insight to dealing with stress.

I know things will escalate in life. As that's just life. So want to grow and learn to deal with it alongside a blossoming relationship.

I need to share more with people. I admit that. I'm often the one friends go to and they lean on me. I often feel bad to lean on others and try and deal with it myself.

Not healthy at all!!!

There is a massive difference between sharing and offloading. I will take forward that when getting into a new relationship.

Now I can say things like, "Hey, I'm crazy about you, so into this, but here's the thing: I have a project that is going to devour me for the next 6 days. I won't be as communicative, because I need to put a bit more of my head up my own a** to get this done. I'd love to see you once or twice during the week, if you're cool with getting sweatpants/half present me, and come day seven we can do something awesome."

 

Or something like that, you know? At the end of the day, everyone loves imperfect more than perfect

I definitely need to adopt this for sure when moving forward.

I'm out of that environment. So hopefully it will be just general stress and not "bullying" from a manager.

So going forward I should be in a better position to date. But at least I know if things get stressful. How to recognize it and how to deal with it in a new relationship next time.

So thank you for sharing.

Also! I think you should go for it with you inner battles too. I've followed your most recent story. Like you are encouraging me. Sometimes you need to listen to your own advice.

You have no control over how much the little ED episode affected him. I've said this before on these threads, but I think it's a real shame that there isn't more language in the world for men experiencing these moments, because we ALL do, and not only when we're cresting over the hill or well over it. With the right language they can be truly awesome moments to go deeper, intimately, rather than further away. Been there plenty. Ah, wistful swoon emoji.

 

Curious to hear what you say to katrina's recent post, as it (as always) more concisely says much of what I said about reaching out.

Yes I think there is massive stigma attached to it. I don't think I dealt with it well. I'm relatively young and haven't had masses experience with this sort of thing.

My first ever bf had an issue with PE. So I read up about it at the time. So learnt how to deal with it. We had been together for a longer time than me and this guy. Which is why it was okay for us to get past.

When this guy experienced it. I could see the embarrassment in his face. As it was our first time having sex! So I could see how mortified he was as it was from just putting on the condom. I kissed him and said it's okay I take it as a massive compliment. And we cuddled.

He obviously never mentioned it back.

Things were okay with other things. I could sense his nerves though. So when the ED hit. I didn't make a big deal at all.

When it struck for the h last time. I thought we would need to talk. But know you are meant to do it outside of the bedroom but we never had to had the option.

So I never addressed the elephant in the room!

So by me dealing with my stress and I guess appearing distant. Maybe be thought it was linked to his performance. I'm not sure and I'll never know!

Yes... I'll get to Katrina's post now.

Thanks so far guys. You have all been helpful.

JB, you said you're looking for learning experiences, and imo you do this by taking risks, challenging yourself, stepping away from your "comfort zone."

 

It's obvious you are still thinking about him, your RL and how it ended, so why not take the risk and reach out wishing him happy holidays? You might also want to say you weren't comfortable with how things went down between you at the end and would he like to have a drink to (1) celebrate the holidays, and (2) to perhaps discuss?

 

I realize that's a very bold approach, and yes you're taking a risk by doing that but I've done that or similar and actually had men respond very well to it.

 

I dunno jmo but what do you have to lose? Literally nothing, except perhaps one second of disappointment if he doesn't respond or turns you down.

 

But at least then you'll know, and per your previous thread, won't be walking around for the rest of your life wondering "what if."

 

And no it's never too late to reach out letting someone know you're thinking about them regardless of who ended it, imo.

 

And as I mentioned in your previous thread, I thought the way he ended it was quite ambiguous anyway, I know others disagreed and that's fine too.

 

If he had been more direct, flat out telling you he didn't wish to date you anymore, or words to that effect, my advice might be different, but that's not what how it went down.

 

Anyway, JMO of course. I would.

I didn't think of it like this... You are right about the whole learning experience.

I guess reaching out is a completely new experience that I've never done before. So it's something to learn from.

I've done a lot of bold things lately in life. The walking away from my old job. Cutting ties with "draining" friends (only keeping important people in my life) and jumping back into an old career path. All big steps for little old me.

As I still do have the "what if". Just thought it would be too late now. It's coming up a month and a half since we last spoke.

Your way of phrasing it is nice. As the holidays are coming. Shows I've been thinking about him. Clearly I have as I wouldn't be here lol

This is definitely some food for thought.

I didn't think I would be tempted to do so. As I genuinely thought it was too late.

But is anything ever really too late? As you don't know until you try.

(Yes I know some things are too late... Just saying in the case as I know some people would read it wrong).

I was trying to understand me more. So will have a little think about it!

JB, 1.5 months is nothing. I’ve reached out after many months and I’ve had guys reach out after longer than that!

You just don’t know where someone is in their life; and it’s possible he has some regrets, but like you, his fears are driving his personal ship so he does nothing. Not saying that will happen, only that it’s possible.

It’s also possible that he’s not thinking about you at all, but hearing from you may spark something in him.

In short, anything is possible and I know others say don’t do it, just move on, whatever, but, and jmo, you don’t learn anything by not taking risks, not challenging yourself; if it doesn’t work out, you feel stronger and more confident for having tried.

That’s my attitude anyway. I’ve had it work out, others not work out, but I never have regrets because every action I take, every risk I take, regardless of the outcome, shapes who I am and is all part of my journey.

In fact, not sure if you know our history, but my boyfriend and I met on line and after chatting for almost two weeks, he dropped off!

I debated whether I should shoot him another message, something light, I even started a thread and virtually everyone advised he was not interested, a flake and to block him.

Well I didn't take that advice, I did double text, something light, a meme I thought he might find funny, he responded within ten minutes, made a date to meet me two nights later, and that was almost 8 months ago!

Just something to consider, that's all, best of luck whatever you decide.

It's about common sense. Most people have life stresses -it's how you deal with them, how you share them with your partner, if you do (meaning timing, tone, etc) - yes some life stresses are too much to add dating to the mix -meaning death of a close family member, sudden job loss of a job you loved -any kind of immense shock to the system. But I always had a stressful job and/or stressful schooling when I dated -and dated men who had the same. And if you marry someone then you'll have to be able to deal with life's stresses together.

I remember telling a guy I was dating about my dysfunctional family. He said "my friends all have normal families" and I replied "well I guess your friends don't confide much in you" or something like that.

And it depends what you want out of dating. If fun and companionship and a little romance - then sure maybe don't date when you're really stressed out -why bother. But if you want a potential long term relationship or marriage well those opportunities are much rarer IMO so I wouldn't stop dating just because life is stressful. It probably always will be to an extent. Our first year of marriage we became parents after my high risk pregnancy, I had a life threatening medical condition, relocated for the first time in 43 years, my mother in law was hospitalized, my husband had to travel a lot for work, and we moved twice. It was really stressful. That was almost 10 years ago and last night we were sharing some of our inside jokes funny to no one except us most likely. And yes we both were under stress -and partly long distance too - the first few years we dated. It's part of life. But we shared a common goal -reconnecting, hoping this time we'd get married and start a family. And we were falling in love. So we handled the stress - and chose connection over being apart.

It's a choice and seriously I wouldn't overthink it -make your decision as to how important it is for you to be in a relationship and once you establish how much of a priority it is the rest kind of falls into place.

1. you are actually LUCKY to be rid of him. There were enough clues (the big one being all those flowers - especially if they were roses) on such an early date. that’s typically a HUGELY BAD SIGN (of a bad person masking their true colors by going over the top “nice” early and often). So let me rest your weary head right off the bat - you just saved yourself a LOT of grief and pain with that guy. Move on from him.

Haha funny story to this. It isn't what you think... My cosuin when she first heard this was like "Jelly, I know you did you not cringe and get completely turned off by this". Referring to his grand date.

As from dating in the past. I know the red flags of those hot and fast guys. But this wasn't that. When I explained the sorry to my cousin it made sense.

Me and this guy have the same sense of humour. So this was more of a joke that serious. But was still sweet due to him making it funny and cute.

So on our third date we was meeting from opposite sides of the city. So decided to meet in the middle. I was on a bus and get just got off the train. I accidentally got off two stops before him so had to walk to the train station. He said he will start walking and we will meet along the way.

Anyway... We met outside the most iconic and expensive hotel in the UK. He joked and said he had an excutive suite booked for me there which was a lie as that would like my entire wage for the month.

So following that date I always joked and said deserve that 5 star hotel luxury. Joking of course as we could never afford it.

So he transformed the flat into a 5 star hotel. With champagne, roses and candles.

So it was more of a joke than romance. As we are clumsy with food everywhere. Ended up not all drinking champagne as we both don't like champagne. Then forgetting dessert.

But the idea was lovely.

So it didn't make me cringe at all.

Outside of this context. I would have run a mile if a guy did this for me lol

2. i can tell you from direct experience NOW with the gal i’ve been dating (only 2 mos) that the right one would be understanding and supportive of your work - we’ve all been there and have had a bad boss, a stressful job, or a busy job. Anybody that can’t understand that and hang with that - they won’t be a good partner. So.. for the future, realize that when it’s a good one, and the right situation, and something with TRUE possibilities - there isn’t anything you can to do “screw it up” (not the small things like being busy at work, being stressed out, that your focus needs to be elsewhere temporarily whether you want it to be or not).

I know I should have been honest would have been a great way to guage what sort of person he is. You live and learn.

I was more embarrassed about disclosing the issues. Especially the racial slur that made me most uncomfortable with me manager. Something I would of been embarrassed to discuss with him. As it's not your normal "manager" or "work" stress in the UK. It's why I bottled it up with everyone else in my life too. Especially him as it was so new and I didn't want to get too heavy too soon.

Just the date I described above. We were like to practical jokers. So didn't want to ruin that with him.

3. there is some truth to the “don’t make life ABOUT work....”. We aren’t here to work. Our lives shouldn’t be about going to work for somebody else. Too many of us allow this to happen and that’s too bad. So big lesson #1 is to learn how to not let that happen at work - to let work takeover and rule your life. If work is not allowing you to live your life - then time to make changes (either drawing lines at your current work or finding new work). So in that spirit BIG LESSON #2 is - even when you are busy, stressed, etc. - although its understandable and a good dating or love partner WILL understand - MAKE sure work never takes over your life and always make time for the important things in your life - be it family, loved ones, your health, etc.

 

Lastly. yes. you way overthink and over analyze things. The best BIG LESSON #3 you can take on is to learn how to “let it go.” Learning to let it go, move on, not dwell, and just keep looking forward and focusing on RIGHT NOW and that’s it - is one of the best lessons in life we can learn - as doing just this can change your entire life. So.. stop worrying if a, b, and c “might have screwed this up” or that... it doesn’t matter. it’s the past. learn what you can from what you’ve experienced and move on - can’t change it, it’s gone, it’s done. Energy is better spent making sure TODAY and the future you do it right.

 

Good luck to you... take a breather.... its’ not nearly as huge or big or life effecting as you think. (btw.. MY way of reminding me of this at every turn? i call it the “DEATH BED ANALYSIS”... What am I going to think or wish i did if i were on my death bed and looking back at this situation? Am i going to remember it? worry about it? That’s how i make decisions today.

Thank you. This has been very enlightening.

I have been overthinking things.

There is a lot of lessons to be learnt from this experience as well as others in my life. The beauty of life and growing with it.

I like this “DEATH BED ANALYSIS” honestly life is too short. It really is! Not worth half the stress we put ourselves through with work, finances, friends, family and partners. So looking at it like this is a really great way. I will start doing this from now on.

Thank you :)

JB, 1.5 months is nothing. I’ve reached out after many months and I’ve had guys reach out after longer than that!

 

You just don’t know where someone is in their life; and it’s possible he has some regrets, but like you, his fears are driving his personal ship so he does nothing. Not saying that will happen, only that it’s possible.

 

It’s also possible that he’s not thinking about you at all, but hearing from you may spark something in him.

 

In short, anything is possible and I know others say don’t do it, just move on, whatever, but, and jmo, you don’t learn anything by not taking risks, not challenging yourself; if it doesn’t work out, you feel stronger and more confident for having tried.

 

That’s my attitude anyway. I’ve had it work out, others not work out, but I never have regrets because every action I take, every risk I take, regardless of the outcome, shapes who I am and is all part of my journey.

 

In fact, not sure if you know our history, but my boyfriend and I met on line and after chatting for almost two weeks, he dropped off!

 

I debated whether I should shoot him another message, something light, I even started a thread and virtually everyone advised he was not interested, a flake and to block him.

 

Well I didn't take that advice, I did double text, something light, a meme I thought he might find funny, he responded within ten minutes, made a date to meet me two nights later, and that was almost 8 months ago!

 

Just something to consider, that's all, best of luck whatever you decide.

This is so true!

I think I shared with another poster who was doing the NC thing to stay strong. But if she wanted to reach out she should but not expect anything. But was more hoping after that time away she would (like I did in the past) decide she was better off without him.

It's something I've never done myself. So it's easy dishing out the advice of reaching out. But doing it yourself is obviously scary. But like you said what do I have to lose. Apart from wondering!

I thought after a month or so later I would not think of him. I thought I wouldn't regret reaching out. But I have!

Even in this time I never hoped he would message which was odd. But maybe that was because I didn't process it all properly.

Yes I remember you telling me about your bf. This proves sometimes risks pay off. Like it did with you!

I also know they don't always pay off. This would just make me stronger.

Something that can help you grow surely isn't a bad thing.

 

But doing it yourself is obviously scary. But like you said what do I have to lose. Apart from wondering!

 

Can you explain what's so scary about it? Possibly being rejected?

Yes that's possible but you're strong, you're resilient, you'll get over it and be even stronger for having tried. Not to mention, all your wondering stops after which you won't be inclined to give it another thought.

I know my opinions often don't jive with others on this forum, so take it with a pinch of salt.

What I do works for me, which for me, is all that really matters.

You do what works for YOU!

It's about common sense. Most people have life stresses -it's how you deal with them, how you share them with your partner, if you do (meaning timing, tone, etc) - yes some life stresses are too much to add dating to the mix -meaning death of a close family member, sudden job loss of a job you loved -any kind of immense shock to the system. But I always had a stressful job and/or stressful schooling when I dated -and dated men who had the same. And if you marry someone then you'll have to be able to deal with life's stresses together.

I remember telling a guy I was dating about my dysfunctional family. He said "my friends all have normal families" and I replied "well I guess your friends don't confide much in you" or something like that.

 

And it depends what you want out of dating. If fun and companionship and a little romance - then sure maybe don't date when you're really stressed out -why bother. But if you want a potential long term relationship or marriage well those opportunities are much rarer IMO so I wouldn't stop dating just because life is stressful. It probably always will be to an extent. Our first year of marriage we became parents after my high risk pregnancy, I had a life threatening medical condition, relocated for the first time in 43 years, my mother in law was hospitalized, my husband had to travel a lot for work, and we moved twice. It was really stressful. That was almost 10 years ago and last night we were sharing some of our inside jokes funny to no one except us most likely. And yes we both were under stress -and partly long distance too - the first few years we dated. It's part of life. But we shared a common goal -reconnecting, hoping this time we'd get married and start a family. And we were falling in love. So we handled the stress - and chose connection over being apart.

 

It's a choice and seriously I wouldn't overthink it -make your decision as to how important it is for you to be in a relationship and once you establish how much of a priority it is the rest kind of falls into place.

Thank you for sharing your story. It sounded like you went through a lot in the beginning stages of your relationship. Thank you for sharing your story.

You are right it is a lot about common sense.

I guess I should have been more open about my stress. Just felt like it was too new. Then the ED thing. Why add something else into the mix when everything else in the relationship felt "right". But if I was open would have help him understand. Also he may of felt more comfortable sharing any issues he had too.

You live and learn.

I'm more of a relationship driven person. So I will learn to deal with stress alongside a relationship.

If anything I've gained is maybe to be more open when in an early relationship. I hope I'm not faced with that again.

Funny enough I was in a relationship while doing my masters, mum's health issues on top of buying a house! I managed that fine in the relationship. Never offloaded just he was aware. And would support me if needed but the main support I needed was just him being him. I felt like it was too much to ask in such early days. It never burdened the relationship it actually helped us grow closer.

But with the guy I posted about. It felt too new to be that open. Talking here has made me realise it's fine to some extent.

It would be a great way to weed out a keeper too!

Can you explain what's so scary about it? Possibly being rejected?

 

Yes that's possible but you're strong, you're resilient, you'll get over it and be even stronger for having tried.

 

I know my opinions often don't jive with others on this forum, so take it with a pinch of salt.

 

What I do works for me, which for me, is all that really matters.

 

You do what works for YOU!

I guess it would be rejection. Although I feel ready for it.

I'm an overthinker. So let's say we do talk... I woukd hate to mention I've walked out on my job. He works in HR too. Remember admiring what he did in his company. So to say "oh I've run away as things got stressful". Would also put me off to be honest.

As I've never reached out to an ex before. It's all new. But what I have heard... You need to be a better person.

I feel a better person away from that job. But a lot of people view leaving a job with no plan is not a great thing either.

Ahhh!!! I'm over thinking!!!!

 

Ahhh!!! I'm over thinking!!!!

Yes you most certainly are!

This is what happens when I overthink. I overthink myself right out of doing something that I’ve been wanting to do, that may be good for me to do regardless of the outcome and a good learning experience.

Which is why in situations like this, once I get the urge to do something, I just do it, and let chips fall where they may.

When I’ve reached out to guys after a while of no contact, I seriously don’t think about it prior, it’s very spontaneous.

In addition to overthinking my way out of doing it, the anxiety is causes would most likely reflect in the type of message I send as well.

So my messages are fun and light making it easier to them to respond versus having a more tentative serious tone which might happen after too much overthinking, making it more difficult for them to respond.

Your life is in influx right now.

I think this would be the worst time to reestablish contact with him.

You don’t know if you’re feelings are genuine or if it’s a knee jerk reaction to other life stressors.

I have to go back and read but I don’t remember it ending ambiguously.

Ok I remember now. It ended via text. Morello pointed out somethinngs and while kinda harsh also has a kernel of truth in it. There are certain posters y’all are all in the post ironically including the OPer who let’s say have a glass half full view of life. Things aren’t taken at face value they’re analyzed. Not saying there’s ANYTHING wrong with that line of thinking, I’m truly not, but like morello mentioned it can backfire and give hope to someone who would really be better off beginning to move forward.

Just taking his words at face value then seeing his post breakup silence I think you have every answer you need. You want to ruminate and twist things until there’s an opening for you to run theough and if that’s how you choose to live your life so be it, many people love your advice because it does give them hope but again, sometimes hope does more harm than good. I’m sure my cynical views can do more harm that good as well, I guess it’s all about finding balance. If you want to believe your break was Grey. Your prerogative, but I think you owe it to your emotional health to wait until you are in a better place emotionally.

First, before I get into it, I don't think flowers are a major red flag. Granted, I am in my 40s, and perhaps it wasn't the same then as it is now for young people, different ideas, standards, red flags, etc., but I wouldn't call flowers a red flag and run as fast as you can. The red flag is more than the flowers. It's a cluster of too much, too soon, too clingy, too much expecting a "real relationship" when you barely know each other. Flowers early on could be a warning if they coincide with other behaviors. Otherwise, they are a wonderful gesture and very sweet...but I'm a dinosaur.

Complain and vent to the new boyfriend. I understand your thinking. I understand that in looking back, you should have probably been more open to expressing your plight a little more. I agree, you do have to let him in on these things; otherwise, it may appear to be an aloof approach, not interested, not invested, etc., he "took the hint" and moved on or determined you are far too busy and not what he wants. Complaining can be a slippery slope, however, and somehow there has to be a balance, but yes, at the end of the day, I think that you could have been a little more forthcoming on your stress and experiences because it is very possible he saw you as not interested, making excuses (not really at work), and somehow finding time for friends but not him...you know how it goes.

Here are the slippery slope issues:

• Venting too much. This gets old and tiresome to the point your only response is, "Why don't you quit?" "Find another job." "If you're so miserable, why do you stay there?"
  
• Fixing. Men like to fix and protect. They don't don't offer an ear to let you vent, they try to fix it. You stop bringing up these things because you don't want fixing, you just need to express what's going on...the way you probably can with your girl friends.
  
• Teaching you. Your BF said to you often that you "shouldn't" do this and that. This is how you SHOULD do it...so you refrain telling him about these things because you are not in a place to do any of these "shoulds," and let's face it, whether it's work environment or the male/female dynamic where men can probably get away with more, what you "should" be doing probably isn't feasible if you want to keep your job...and maybe you're actively looking to find another or plan to after the busy season ends...whatever. I can see you avoiding bringing up your work plight with your guy because his reaction was to "teach you" or tell you what you should be doing, and in his job he can...in your job, it's a big no if you want to maintain an income until you line up something else, or maybe you're dealing with a temporary situation.
  

I mean, in my job, we go through clusters of insanity with mandatory overtime, and this is when hourly is soooo much better than salary, but it takes a toll, and you b--ch (complain) a lot, and it really sucks, and then things slow down again, and you have some nice, fat paychecks in the process. If you can somehow balance your venting with good things you like, or that this is temporary, he could have a better understanding of your regular life. While this work situation infringes on his ability to see you now, there is a light at the end of the tunnel, meaning, he knows that a month or two from now, there will be some normalcy and you are truly interested, and not blowing him off. I mean, were you really working late or were you meeting a guy? (as he may see it)

I know how it feels to be so stressed and stretched you forget or don't have the energy to respond to a text or initiate one, and I also know how it feels when you're just happy to share airspace and watch a move and sleep next to each other because right now, that's about all you can muster...it's something. But, we all know the anxiety around a sudden change in communication, texting, cancelling, running late...it's a sign of non-interest and people lie. Look at the "Lex thread" and all the anxiety around communication between dates and the feeling of non-interest or more of a "booty call." "I have a work thing." Yeah, sure...you have a date or he'd rather hang with the guys. So if you don't let him in a little, it's going to seem like excuses and lies, "letting him down gently," hoping he "gets the hint." Do you think in the future, you can muster up some energy to prioritize a little better, even if it's a text along the lines of, "Work is sucky, and I can't wait for Friday. I wanted to say hi and goodnight." Texts are pretty great because you can go about your business and lob a few texts before bed and your wind-down routine. Perhaps employ that a little. In other words, put some effort into extending yourself if he's worth it. It doesn't have to be constant and daily; it has to mesh with your communication comfort zone, but toss the guy a bone. Maybe at the time with this guy you didn't realize, but now, maybe with him or maybe with someone new, extend a bit extra, even if you're tired.

He's going to have to determine if your busy lifestyle is something he can maneuver around. If this busy time is temporary, great, but if there's no end in sight, he might move on. Find a balance between letting him in on frustrations and stresses without whining and complaining all the time. That makes sense, right?

I was seeing a guy who was a leader/fixer in personality, so I found myself avoiding any discussion that might bring this on because really, I just needed to whine or vent a little. I was not seeking solution, at least not in this moment. Certainly later, I might ask, but right now...let me gab. I want to be clear I wasn't a "Debbie Downer" and whining and complaining constantly, but inevitably when I brought things up, he went into "supervisor mode" or "fix mode" or "teach mode," and a lot of times it felt critical and judgy. I avoided parts of my life because I just didn't want to have to deal with this aspect of him teaching or fixing, and this led him to feel I was secretive and hiding things. I have no magic cures to how to resolve this...it's possible, or maybe it's a conflict of personality and it's not fixable...don't know.

Sorry for the novel OP, but the thing that resonated with me most was him "teaching" you and telling you what you "should" be doing, and not just letting you vent. You didn't want to be a downer, but when you let him in on what was going on, his response was what "you should/shouldn't" do. These are certainly words of wisdom to help you with boundaries in the future, but at the time, with this job, it was not feasible, and your reaction was to not bring it up or strictly minimize it because you really didn't want to have to defend yourself or explain.

I don't think it's a bad idea at all to reach out to him, if you decide. Obviously accept that fact that he might not be interested or he might have someone new, but not too late or a bad idea if you'd like to give it a shot.