It hit me like a ton of bricks...

Hello everyone,

I have been lurking around this place for the last 2 months since my ex gf of 8 years broke up with me 4 months ago. Until now I was content to just read millions of stories and implement the advice that is given here over and over again. But now I feel like I need to reach out here to... I don't know... to vent or something

Before I continue, some background information: She is 27 years old, I'm 32 and I was her first boyfriend. She broke up with me because I neglected her needs. Didn't give her much attention and we rarely had sex anymore. My reason for doing so, was because I was no longer happy with myself and so things slowly spiralled out of control...money issues etc. Anyway... I would like to get to the point of why I'm posting here. I'll gladly answer any questions/details if you have them, later. So here goes:

My birthday was last week and I didn't get any message or call from my ex. I was disappointed and yet "ok" with it, as I knew she was most likely just respecting my wish to heal in private. I had told her before that if she didn't see a way for us to be together, that I had to move on without friendship.

However, when I celebrated my birthday with my closest friends on the weekend, she came to visit us at my favourite pub where she knew I would hang out. She immediatly understood that it was a bad idea, and left again.

When I woke up the next day, I had the strongest urge to call her and find out why what it was that she wanted that night. So I asked if we could talk about what happened the night before and she agreed. She told me that the reason why she turned up was because she was also drunk, which gave her the idea and courage to tell me that she didn't forget my birthday and just wanted to congratulate.

We talked for over an hour about this and that and she told me that she misses me and that maybe we can be together again sometime in the future, bla bla. I told her again, that I don't want her to contact me: not on christmas, not on new years eve, because I need to heal and move on from this breakup. She agreed and that was that.

Throughout this week I felt like that the last phone call went very well and that I had gotten one step closer to freeing myself from the past. But man was I wrong... On my way home, she was driving by with a guy sitting next to her in the car. I waved her and she waved back at me with a happy face... the guy next to her was busy talking to her and didn't seem to notice at first. And that's all, I saw her with another guy, which I guess is her new bf, and it instantly made me feel soooo sick in the stomach, even now as I'm typing these words, it all comes back again.

I kind of knew this situation would happen at some point, but I didn't think it would be so sudden, so unexpected, so in my face... it hit me so hard in the guts, I wanted to cry right there in public after her car had passed by.

I really thought I had myself under control and that I had absorbed all the stories in this forum to learn and prepare... but I wasn't and now I feel broken, empty and discarded.

There, I wrote more that I wanted but way less than I could have

Next time you tell her you need to remain in no contact to heal, mean it. Don't go back on it just because she was being selfish and you misinterpret her actions as a sign she wants you back.

And it's normal how you're feeling because that last shred of hope just came crashing down. You will get through it because now you can start moving forward for real.

Thank you boltnrun, I will try to remember it. Right now I can't see what's in front of me, but I will remain silent until the fog lifts.

Do you know that was her new boyfriend? Or are you leaping to the worst possible scenario to reinforce your darkest thoughts?

Regardless, if either are true it's simply a sign that now is the time do keep doing what you were doing before the call: healing in silence, with space.

I had the same feeling today. My ex-gf's mother asked me how I was doing (3 months BU and NC after 3 year LTR) and she asked if I had a new girlfriend. I freaked out and thought she asked me this because my ex-gf had a new bf. The thought of her having someone new, breaks me completely. I know right now that she hasn't got anyone new, but someday she will. Is it normal that I still aren't ready for her having someone new?

I think I will never be ready and just have to face the issue when it comes I guess..

@bluecastle There was nothing that indicated that they were a couple. I am pretty certain that she was on her way to work and the the guy was a co-worker she may have picked up along the way. However, I once had a discussion with her in the early days of our breakup where I asked her if there was someone else. After a long pause (a minute or so), she said: "yes, there is someone I am interested in, but I don't know what it means.". That was the only time I asked. I never ever commented or asked about it again since. And she never told me anything new since then either... but I suspect that this is the guy :(

...Is it normal that I still aren't ready for her having someone new?

 

I think I will never be ready and just have to face the issue when it comes I guess..

3 months is not a lot of time, all things considered. Time flies when you're busy - and you should be... Today was definitely a setback for me. It opened the flood gates of... I don't even know what. Probably just like boltnrun said...the last shred of hope just came crashing down. And it definitely hit where it hurts. I can only hope that the pain subsides quickly so that I can go in peace.

Look, you can spin yourself into a knot with these thoughts. And, well, you have. I've been there myself, plenty.

You know where I've also been? Deeply, deeply confused. Interested in multiple people at once, for multiple reasons. Interested in an ex, interested in the shiny new person who feels light where the ex feels heavy. Flailing around, in short. So when I'm in the position you're in, I try to remind myself that it's all just flailing. No more meaning than that.

Both you and your ex are flailing right now, in different ways, as everyone will five minutes after an 8 year relationship comes to an end. Try not to focus on understanding her flailing, because that's a recipe for a spin cycle of agony. Focus instead on your own, and on finding your own balance, because in that there is strength and clarity.

Sorry for your pain. Best of luck.

were you thinking of proposing to her? Say around her birthday?

Both you and your ex are flailing right now, in different ways, as everyone will five minutes after an 8 year relationship comes to an end. Try not to focus on understanding her flailing, because that's a recipe for a spin cycle of agony. Focus instead on your own, and on finding your own balance, because in that there is strength and clarity.

 

Sorry for your pain. Best of luck.

Very comforting words, to know that yes, we both are in a way out of control, just in different ways. And to know that there is nothing I can do about "us", except letting go and master each vortex of feelings that tries to pull me under. I will continue to read these forums for comfort and wisdom. Thanks again!

were you thinking of proposing to her? Say around her birthday?

Haha, no. Marriage was never a big topic for us because we knew we both wanted to be in a better position in life first (finish studies, get a better job). It wouldn't have been too far off I guess. Maybe in two years time. I'm trying not to get stuck on "what if's"... there's simply no point. It's all gone now, the house, friends and families separated.

Well, it's only been 4 months, and you were in an 8-year relationship. Some folks on ENA will tell you that it could take years for you to get over it. That was certainly the case for me. Just keep on doing what you're doing. You're going to have set-backs every now and then. But you've got to keep moving forward.

Hello everyone,

 

I have been lurking around this place for the last 2 months since my ex gf of 8 years broke up with me 4 months ago. Until now I was content to just read millions of stories and implement the advice that is given here over and over again. But now I feel like I need to reach out here to... I don't know... to vent or something

 

 

Before I continue, some background information: She is 27 years old, I'm 32 and I was her first boyfriend. She broke up with me because I neglected her needs. Didn't give her much attention and we rarely had sex anymore. My reason for doing so, was because I was no longer happy with myself and so things slowly spiralled out of control...money issues etc. Anyway... I would like to get to the point of why I'm posting here. I'll gladly answer any questions/details if you have them, later. So here goes:

 

My birthday was last week and I didn't get any message or call from my ex. I was disappointed and yet "ok" with it, as I knew she was most likely just respecting my wish to heal in private. I had told her before that if she didn't see a way for us to be together, that I had to move on without friendship.

 

However, when I celebrated my birthday with my closest friends on the weekend, she came to visit us at my favourite pub where she knew I would hang out. She immediatly understood that it was a bad idea, and left again.

 

When I woke up the next day, I had the strongest urge to call her and find out why what it was that she wanted that night. So I asked if we could talk about what happened the night before and she agreed. She told me that the reason why she turned up was because she was also drunk, which gave her the idea and courage to tell me that she didn't forget my birthday and just wanted to congratulate.

We talked for over an hour about this and that and she told me that she misses me and that maybe we can be together again sometime in the future, bla bla. I told her again, that I don't want her to contact me: not on christmas, not on new years eve, because I need to heal and move on from this breakup. She agreed and that was that.

 

Throughout this week I felt like that the last phone call went very well and that I had gotten one step closer to freeing myself from the past. But man was I wrong... On my way home, she was driving by with a guy sitting next to her in the car. I waved her and she waved back at me with a happy face... the guy next to her was busy talking to her and didn't seem to notice at first. And that's all, I saw her with another guy, which I guess is her new bf, and it instantly made me feel soooo sick in the stomach, even now as I'm typing these words, it all comes back again.

 

I kind of knew this situation would happen at some point, but I didn't think it would be so sudden, so unexpected, so in my face... it hit me so hard in the guts, I wanted to cry right there in public after her car had passed by.

 

I really thought I had myself under control and that I had absorbed all the stories in this forum to learn and prepare... but I wasn't and now I feel broken, empty and discarded.

 

There, I wrote more that I wanted but way less than I could have

Before I give any type of advice I do have a couple of questions...

1 - Who initiated the breakup?

2 - What is it that you now want from her?

4 months is not a lot, I know. My previous relationship lasted 6 years and it took around 2 years to fully move on. But then again, it depends on many factors like where you are in life/age, the cause and dealing with the breakup. That prior relationship ended because she cheated on me and so the breakup was naturally very messy and heated.

This time around, it was as "friendly" and respectful as far as breakups can go I believe, just very sad on both sides. Hopefully that means I can move on quicker than before... I want to love and be loved. If not my ex, then someone else - in due time, hopefully not in 2 years.

Before I give any type of advice I do have a couple of questions...

 

1 - Who initiated the breakup?

 

2 - What is it that you now want from her?

1) I kind of initiated the breakup, I guess? She was acting distant for a couple of days, and so I finally asked what was wrong. She started crying and then I knew instinctively... I asked if she wanted to break up. She nodded and that was all. So in that sense, I said it for her.

2) What I want from her? I want a second chance, or to be left alone indefinitely. She knows this very well. Now it wasn't anyone's fault that we met when she was in the car... it just happened that way.

Sorry to hear this. Did she meet someone else? You mentioned you were her first bf/relationship. Where is it that you both wanted it to go? Was she hinting or talking about engagement, living together, etc? What did she mean by "neglected her needs"?

She was acting distant for a couple of days, and so I finally asked what was wrong. She started crying and then I knew instinctively... I asked if she wanted to break up. She nodded and that was all.

Sorry to hear this. Did she meet someone else? You mentioned you were her first bf/relationship. Where is it that you both wanted it to go? Was she hinting or talking about engagement, living together, etc? What did she mean by "neglected her needs"?

I do not know if she actually met someone else. We both wanted to start a family at some point, after we both would have had a higher and more stable income (kids cost money and nerve!). We moved into a house just a year ago. We have lived together for most of our relationship. Probably 7 years or so. It was just a logical and natural decision back then. The longest time we were ever apart was for 2 weeks.

I neglected her by going away when she wanted to talk, blocking all communication for the rest of the evening. I did this for quite some time. I was in a really bad place at that time, I kept to myself, trying to solve problems on my own.

It took me a while to figure out why I literally stood up and walked away on several occasions when she was trying to initiate "the talk". I think I took so much flak from all different sides at the time, I was so full of fear of what she had to tell me and add to my issues that I just couldn't handle it. It was too much for me to take and I felt the urge to "flee" the situation... so I just went up and ignored her. This started happening on a regular basis since we had moved into the house (but had nothing to do with the house itself).

Well either no one is to "blame" or you're both to blame.

Your actions (ignoring her) led to her reaction (distancing herself) which in turn led to your reaction (ending the RL).

What a mess.

 

And to know that there is nothing I can do about "us", except letting go and master each vortex of feelings that tries to pull me under. I will continue to read these forums for comfort and wisdom.

This is all you can really do, that and learn from the experience, taking what you've learned into your next RL.

Specifically not allowing your fear to drive the ship and not ignoring or running away from conflict, but instead being brave and confronting it, attempting to resolve it.

I'm really sorry you're experiencing this; just as an fyi it took me a year to fully emotionally move on from my ex, whom I was with for six years.

Best of luck.

if you want to heal it’s simple - your situation is no different than all the other situations you’ve read.

STOP keeping a connection with her.

STOP reaching out to her

STOP waving to her first

STOP keeping tabs on her or analyzing whatever you see from her

just STOP

move on.

if you bump into her - oh well.. move on. don’t dwell on it

if she speaks to you - oh well.. close the convo fast and move on.. and don’t dwell on it

if you feel like reaching out to her - DON’T. and don’t dwell on it and move on.

You say you want to heal and not be in contact - then all i read is how you reached out to her twice on your own. So youer’ not being honest with yourself. YOu secretly do want a connection with her and are putting on a “strong front” because that’s what your’e supposed to do.. your’e saying what your’e supposed to say - but don’t feel it inside.

you need to make that decision deep within you first - then stick to it. that’s all. it isn’t complicated. (it’s hard, but not complicated).just do it.

good luck.

You say you want to heal and not be in contact - then all i read is how you reached out to her twice on your own. So youer’ not being honest with yourself. YOu secretly do want a connection with her and are putting on a “strong front” because that’s what your’e supposed to do.. your’e saying what your’e supposed to say - but don’t feel it inside.

 

you need to make that decision deep within you first - then stick to it. that’s all. it isn’t complicated. (it’s hard, but not complicated).just do it.

Just a small correction: I've reached out once, not twice :)

Anyway, I had to let that sink in what you wrote for a while and I suppose it is true. I say and do what I am supposed to, which may not always be reflective of my feelings. But my intent is still that I want to heal on most days.

I say on "most days" because I'd fool myself and everyone else around me that after spending so much time together, that I could "just do it". Fake it until you make it? More like it. And I think she does the same in her own way.

Maybe doing a hard mental cut is easier after short term relationships? I wouldn't know. But for longterm relationships I feel like it is bound to be a process of breaking the habit that is the other person in your life.

Haha, no. Marriage was never a big topic for us because we knew we both wanted to be in a better position in life first (finish studies, get a better job). It wouldn't have been too far off I guess. Maybe in two years time. I'm trying not to get stuck on "what if's"... there's simply no point. It's all gone now, the house, friends and families separated.

I had to ask because there is a thread that is very similar to yours... even the ages are the same. So I just had to ask.

Anyway. I know after an 8 year relationship its very very hard to go cold turkey. Especially when there wasn't a fight or you left hating one another. The relationship took its course and it ended. You were no longer interested in investing emotions or your heart in it any longer. It happens and unfortunately someone is going to get hurt unless its a mutual break up. But after 8 years this person is woven into the fabric of your life. Almost a quarter of your life was spent with this person and you grew up emotionally and physical with this other person, so its understandable that communication is going to happen more often than its not. Example is your B-day, your natural thing to do was to call up your X, you see something funny? call your X, bad day and need to talk about something.. call your X. Its hard to not want to call a familiar voice and talk, also hard to not lean on her and its hard for her not to lean on you.

I am not one to say block, cut all contact because in realty its going to take some time to stop. Its way easier said than done to say stop talking to her. Its only been 4 months so understand that emotions are going to be like a rollercoaster. You might miss one another, talk about getting back, but in the end staying apart is best for the both of you. You let her find someone who wants to be with her and you find someone you want to be with. But this transition period sucks. So what Im saying is that you cant give in to the moment. You cant just say "im calling her" you have to let those moments in time pass. If you two talk twice a week, make it once a week, soon its going to be twice a month to once a month, then once every two months, the once every 4 until you two just stop. This will happen, but its going to take work from you.

In the end, you will be happy again but understand its going to be with another person.

This is all you can really do, that and learn from the experience, taking what you've learned into your next RL.

 

Specifically not allowing your fear to drive the ship and not ignoring or running away from conflict, but instead being brave and confronting it, attempting to resolve it.

I will try and do my best. I feel like going to the gym has helped me a lot in keeping my anxiety in check and dealing with issues more head on.

I'm really sorry you're experiencing this; just as an fyi it took me a year to fully emotionally move on from my ex, whom I was with for six years.

Do you have a thread about your breakup somewhere? I'd like to read it.

Best of luck.

Thank you, and again, everyone else too!

I really thought I had myself under control and that I had absorbed all the stories in this forum to learn and prepare... but I wasn't and now I feel broken, empty and discarded.

You could opt to spin it this way and drill a deeper hole to climb out of, OR, you could credit yourself with navigating one of the major milestones of recovering from a breakup. Baby yourself for a while, honor your grief, but refuse to use it to bludgeon yourself into making this more difficult than it 'must' be.

Head high, and consider a private goal of adopting resilience as your number 1 life skill--then surprise everyone, including yourself, with your ability to bounce back from this. You'll thank yourself later.

1) I kind of initiated the breakup, I guess? She was acting distant for a couple of days, and so I finally asked what was wrong. She started crying and then I knew instinctively... I asked if she wanted to break up. She nodded and that was all. So in that sense, I said it for her.

I was going to address this with a long post, but enough time has past that you should have your sht figured out by now as to what you did wrong. I'll leave it right here, you learned from it (I hope), and moving forward you need to be a alpha male warrrior in any troubled times that you face! If you can't deal with tough times, then what does that tell her? Life is full of tough times, and a women wants someone she can depend on, not someone looking for the door, or who becomes disengaged, she needs a man who will push forward! YOU need to be that man with her or any other women you decide to date!

2) What I want from her? I want a second chance, or to be left alone indefinitely. She knows this very well. Now it wasn't anyone's fault that we met when she was in the car... it just happened that way.

You're already in NC, and that's the only card you have to play. You want her back, then continue doing what your doing. Forget about the car incident, it's not important. Get your sht together! In future, if she invades your space at any given event let her approach you. Be alouf and cordial, but keep chit chat to a minimum. Btw, not sure if you have been, but go out and date! Date everyone and anyone and have fun doing so. Stop mopping about her and use this time to hone your skill, so if and when the big day comes where she wants to have a serious talk you'll be ready for it.

Btw, not sure if you have been, but go out and date! Date everyone and anyone and have fun doing so.

I'd really love to meet new women, but I find it impossible to do so in a "natural" way. Last time I "dated", if you can call it that, I was still a boy basically. And now I'm this 32yrs old dude who doesn't have a clue. Maybe I'll just sit it out and keep on working on myself and hope for things just fall into place from there.

I've spent the weekend with friends and I feel much better today. Thanks again to all of you for clearing my mind.