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Thread: It hit me like a ton of bricks...

  1. #1
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    It hit me like a ton of bricks...

    Hello everyone,

    I have been lurking around this place for the last 2 months since my ex gf of 8 years broke up with me 4 months ago. Until now I was content to just read millions of stories and implement the advice that is given here over and over again. But now I feel like I need to reach out here to... I don't know... to vent or something


    Before I continue, some background information: She is 27 years old, I'm 32 and I was her first boyfriend. She broke up with me because I neglected her needs. Didn't give her much attention and we rarely had sex anymore. My reason for doing so, was because I was no longer happy with myself and so things slowly spiralled out of control...money issues etc. Anyway... I would like to get to the point of why I'm posting here. I'll gladly answer any questions/details if you have them, later. So here goes:

    My birthday was last week and I didn't get any message or call from my ex. I was disappointed and yet "ok" with it, as I knew she was most likely just respecting my wish to heal in private. I had told her before that if she didn't see a way for us to be together, that I had to move on without friendship.

    However, when I celebrated my birthday with my closest friends on the weekend, she came to visit us at my favourite pub where she knew I would hang out. She immediatly understood that it was a bad idea, and left again.

    When I woke up the next day, I had the strongest urge to call her and find out why what it was that she wanted that night. So I asked if we could talk about what happened the night before and she agreed. She told me that the reason why she turned up was because she was also drunk, which gave her the idea and courage to tell me that she didn't forget my birthday and just wanted to congratulate.
    We talked for over an hour about this and that and she told me that she misses me and that maybe we can be together again sometime in the future, bla bla. I told her again, that I don't want her to contact me: not on christmas, not on new years eve, because I need to heal and move on from this breakup. She agreed and that was that.

    Throughout this week I felt like that the last phone call went very well and that I had gotten one step closer to freeing myself from the past. But man was I wrong... On my way home, she was driving by with a guy sitting next to her in the car. I waved her and she waved back at me with a happy face... the guy next to her was busy talking to her and didn't seem to notice at first. And that's all, I saw her with another guy, which I guess is her new bf, and it instantly made me feel soooo sick in the stomach, even now as I'm typing these words, it all comes back again.

    I kind of knew this situation would happen at some point, but I didn't think it would be so sudden, so unexpected, so in my face... it hit me so hard in the guts, I wanted to cry right there in public after her car had passed by.

    I really thought I had myself under control and that I had absorbed all the stories in this forum to learn and prepare... but I wasn't and now I feel broken, empty and discarded.

    There, I wrote more that I wanted but way less than I could have

  2. #2
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    Next time you tell her you need to remain in no contact to heal, mean it. Don't go back on it just because she was being selfish and you misinterpret her actions as a sign she wants you back.

    And it's normal how you're feeling because that last shred of hope just came crashing down. You will get through it because now you can start moving forward for real.

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    Thank you boltnrun, I will try to remember it. Right now I can't see what's in front of me, but I will remain silent until the fog lifts.

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    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Do you know that was her new boyfriend? Or are you leaping to the worst possible scenario to reinforce your darkest thoughts?

    Regardless, if either are true it's simply a sign that now is the time do keep doing what you were doing before the call: healing in silence, with space.

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    I had the same feeling today. My ex-gf's mother asked me how I was doing (3 months BU and NC after 3 year LTR) and she asked if I had a new girlfriend. I freaked out and thought she asked me this because my ex-gf had a new bf. The thought of her having someone new, breaks me completely. I know right now that she hasn't got anyone new, but someday she will. Is it normal that I still aren't ready for her having someone new?

    I think I will never be ready and just have to face the issue when it comes I guess..

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    @bluecastle There was nothing that indicated that they were a couple. I am pretty certain that she was on her way to work and the the guy was a co-worker she may have picked up along the way. However, I once had a discussion with her in the early days of our breakup where I asked her if there was someone else. After a long pause (a minute or so), she said: "yes, there is someone I am interested in, but I don't know what it means.". That was the only time I asked. I never ever commented or asked about it again since. And she never told me anything new since then either... but I suspect that this is the guy :(

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    Originally Posted by Pikachu
    ...Is it normal that I still aren't ready for her having someone new?

    I think I will never be ready and just have to face the issue when it comes I guess..
    3 months is not a lot of time, all things considered. Time flies when you're busy - and you should be... Today was definitely a setback for me. It opened the flood gates of... I don't even know what. Probably just like boltnrun said...the last shred of hope just came crashing down. And it definitely hit where it hurts. I can only hope that the pain subsides quickly so that I can go in peace.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Look, you can spin yourself into a knot with these thoughts. And, well, you have. I've been there myself, plenty.

    You know where I've also been? Deeply, deeply confused. Interested in multiple people at once, for multiple reasons. Interested in an ex, interested in the shiny new person who feels light where the ex feels heavy. Flailing around, in short. So when I'm in the position you're in, I try to remind myself that it's all just flailing. No more meaning than that.

    Both you and your ex are flailing right now, in different ways, as everyone will five minutes after an 8 year relationship comes to an end. Try not to focus on understanding her flailing, because that's a recipe for a spin cycle of agony. Focus instead on your own, and on finding your own balance, because in that there is strength and clarity.

    Sorry for your pain. Best of luck.

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    were you thinking of proposing to her? Say around her birthday?

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Both you and your ex are flailing right now, in different ways, as everyone will five minutes after an 8 year relationship comes to an end. Try not to focus on understanding her flailing, because that's a recipe for a spin cycle of agony. Focus instead on your own, and on finding your own balance, because in that there is strength and clarity.

    Sorry for your pain. Best of luck.
    Very comforting words, to know that yes, we both are in a way out of control, just in different ways. And to know that there is nothing I can do about "us", except letting go and master each vortex of feelings that tries to pull me under. I will continue to read these forums for comfort and wisdom. Thanks again!

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