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The tangled web I weave


confused994

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So let’s start with I am married, but the marriage is over as far as I’m concerned. My husband feels there is still hopes but I told him I’m not in love with him and I want to leave him. We are basically together for our daughters sake until I can save up enough to move out, I’m a stay at home mom. We are new to our city, 7 months in. I’ve been numb in my marriage for 2 years due to some unfaithfulness on his end. Now of course he wants to try and fix it all this time later but I’m broke. Since we moved I’ve been starting to want to feel again, for the first time in years a found myself attracted to a man who works for my husbands company who lived down the street, he made it clear he was single although he had a “best friend” who came to visit a lot. I never made any moves or anything on this man but there was a spark when we were all together. Long story short my marriage kept getting worse, more lies from him, I announced my being done with it, so I started to pursue this other man a little more. Over the course of the 7 months I met his “friend” and we actually became friends although she as great deal older than me we have gotten along great. From her side of the story they were very involved for many years and she still holds hope for them but he’s made it clear that he just wants to be beats friends who casually sleep together when they see each other. He has since moved out of state for work and he reached out to me to have a NSA relationship. Just so we have the ages on the table, I’m 15 years younger than the man, she’s 15 years older than him. He has no kids, been divorced, she has grandkids so the life stages are different. I agreed to casually start talking with him mostly sexually in nature. He told me that him and said friend are over, but I’ve kept growing closer to this friend and she has feelings for him still even if he doesn’t and she opens up to me about it which of course made me feel like complete for messing around with this guy over text. So I tried to end things with him he insisted that they are over but he wants to remain friends with her but he still sends her nudes and he calls her multiple times a day- she tells me all of this. He knows we talk but probably not to what extent. I told myself I was just going to flirt and have fun but over the last month or so I’ve caught feelings, strong ones. And I’m trying to find a way to phase him out without him really knowing it. I like him and would like to have the option to go back to him down the road when my friend is officially over him. I feel like a terrible person so please don’t tell me what I already know. Why does the heart want the most complicated of situations? Please help. I find myself thinking about this guy all the time I want to get over him but I keep falling back in. I try ghosting him a tad then this morning he sends me a really nice full body pic and a nude so how do I respond or not respond to that without being mean or burning bridges or should I simply blow it off like I forgot to text back. Thank you

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It's late here and I'm off to sleep shortly, so please excuse the somewhat short reply. I think even if you leave your husband and your female friend out of the equation, you definitely should stop interacting with this guy for self-preservation. To me it sounds like he's not really the commitment type and he just likes to sleep with different women casually. I mean that's what he wanted with that "friend" and you as well. It's fine if he wants that because he's been upfront about it. But you have feelings for him now and that never ends well. The FWB that has feelings always gets hurt. If you want a relationship, you're definitely not going to get it from this guy. Plus of course if you continue with him, you'll be hurting your female friend and your husband too because he's your husband's colleague. I would say start seeing some guys who are outside this friendship circle and who actually want to date.

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Ok... you aren’t going to like my post - but I’ll be straight with you.

 

In every bad situation there is a silver lining. The silver lining in your situation is this woman. It’s with HER that your loyalties should lie. You should not be looking to stab her in the back.

 

Your marriage is over. I agree... long over. You are looking for an escape route. The thing is... no amount of “savings” (short of retirement-level savings in the hundreds of thousands of dollars) will help you move out. You need a steady income (ie: a job). This should be your first focus so that you can move forward in a positive, sustainable direction for both you and your kids.

 

This guy? He’s a piece of work. He’s been stringing this lady along for YEARS. He’s doing that because he doesn’t want a relationship. With anybody. If he did, he would have been long gone and onto the next woman. I know that as women we like to be competitive and think our connections are “different” and “meant to be” and all this romantic stuff... but the reason this guy is into you is BECAUSE you are married. He thinks you are not a threat to his singleness. If you suddenly become single, he will not suddenly want a relationship and he won’t be the one to help you out of your relationship. He’ll either be long gone - or back with this woman who accepts being strung along. There is nothing but heartbreak waiting with this guy.

 

The way out of this mess and onto a positive path is to get a job and to strengthen your relationship with this woman. SHE is the one who will be your friend in this new place - a person to turn to and talk to and help you on a path to a good life.

 

Forget about these men. Both of them (your husband included, since that’s over). I know they are exciting and get out blood and hormones flowing - but there is no happiness with either of them. You need to find your own new path - and community around you will help. This woman can form part of your community.

 

PS: there is no getting out of it “without him realizing”. You are there. You are young, attractive, taken, etc. He is going to keep pushing because it’s advantageous to him. Just tell him you aren’t into it. There is nothing to “save” here. You are married. He will (eventually) understand.

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NSA means he's free to screw whoever and however many he wants to. Since you won't be happy with that, I don't know why you would spend one more precious second of your life pursuing what doesn't work for you. He only needs to be told, "I'm no longer interested. I'm going to ask that we no longer communicate so I can concentrate on working on a new life for myself."

 

Until you've spent a full year AFTER you leave your husband, mourning the loss of the relationship and healing, you will continue choosing men who are totally inappropriate for you. Your children need you now more than ever, as they adjust to their new living situation. They need their mom's total focus, and not have your time and attention partially devoted to a lowlife who just wants to get his rocks off. I know your self esteem has taken a shot and it's nice to be desired by another man, but you will have to sacrifice that part of your life for now for your own good, and the well-being of your kids.

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Why not file for divorce. At this point you seem to be retaliating by wanting to cheat with this guy, who obviously is a sleazebag. Talk to an attorney and a therapist, not some random horny creep.

 

Why talk to and attempt to complete with his other fwb? Why add this mess to your already messed up marriage? What are you getting out of some creep sending you pics of his junk? make an appt today with a therapist and an attorney.

So let’s start with I am married, but the marriage is over as far as I’m concerned.

He has since moved out of state for work and he reached out to me to have a NSA relationship. I agreed to casually start talking with him mostly sexually in nature. I like him and would like to have the option to go back to him. he sends me a really nice full body pic and a nude

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Great, wise, blunt words from RedDress.

 

What I'll add—and what may be worth unpacking with a therapist—is the instinct to escape a marriage that suffered from infidelity with a man who is unreliable, emotionally unavailable, not remotely interested in fidelity or commitment. I mean, he's honest about it, to a degree. He's a bachelor, doing as he pleases, thriving on both the sexual thrill and the ego thrill of people being into him.

 

So I'd take a moment to be honest with yourself and question what it is in you that is drawn to this, that maybe wants to be the difference, the one who makes him change course.

 

In terms of how to proceed, everything RedDress said. Don't worry about being mean to him—dude doesn't care. Dude likes his body and likes when people like it—that's what that text is, and I can assure you that his interactions with the friend have the occasional dash of innuendo, too. That's his prerogative, and (pun intended) he's naked about it.

 

This is the time to cultivate genuine friendships, to focus on what you need to move on from a marriage that has run its course. Those tools, and that power, is inside you. It's not inside this dude.

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Love the insight. I did have this mentality that I could be the one to change him or he would somehow fall in love with me. Sounds rediculous I know. Idk why I’m doing this to myself. He knows my feelings, I’ve been open about how I am as a person- loving, honest, I can’t be like that with someone who I don’t have feelings for but the more I talk to my friend the more I’m turned off by him because she often brings him up because they talk a lot, she’s basically in the same position as me but he calls her and talks to her about his day- and this drives me nuts. We have some casual talk about our lives but it’s mostky flirty and sexual in nature and I was hoping that would change but who am I kidding? Myself really. I’ve tried to cut it off with him 3 times but I end up looking like a moron falling back into it. He doesn’t shut my feelings down but he doesn’t really reciprocate the emotions I have. So I guess that was leaving me with a shred of hope. Is it wrong that I kind of want to string him along and make him go crazy a little wondering why I’m acting off? I have been off putting this morning and he noticed right away and said something about it, I just told him I’m feeling off and that it’s a nice pic he sent and he doesn’t even ask me if I’m okay or why I’m feeling off, he just says thanks? . I don’t want to feel bad or not in control of this situation. I want him to sting like I did and do.

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These are the reasons you are doing this. Boredom and revenge. A creep who sends you junk pics does not want a relationship with you. Besides you are married so no decent guy is going to bother with you.

 

Hopefully you realize anything "sexy" you send this jerk can be forwarded to your husband in a nanosecond. That means instead of "saving up to leave" (nonsense) he will use it against you in the divorce and it will be on your husbands terms. He could also use it to deem you an unfit mother in any custody hearing.

 

So think long and hard. Junk pics from some sleaze or your life as a dignified divorced single mother. Your choice.

We are basically together for our daughters sake until I can save up enough to move out, I’m a stay at home mom. I’ve been numb in my marriage for 2 years due to some unfaithfulness on his end.
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Ooof.

 

I'm going to be brutally honest with you, at the expense of myself. I have been this guy, at various points, and it's a role I can slip into pretty easily. Good talker, charming, compellingly distant, a sensitive listener, just the right amount of spice to keep the sizzle without seeming sleazy. I'd never send a nude pic—sorry, not my style—but I know how to keep someone on the hook. It's attention-seeking stuff, all that. It's also armor—a means of flirting with authentic intimacy by extracting it from another without having to actually open up.

 

It is, in a word, dangerous.

 

Danger is appealing—I'm drawn to it in women. But here's the thing about people when they're armored up: the sting is not felt. And you know what, big picture? That sucks! For them, at least in my opinion. It's a shallow way to live, and this guy sounds like he's long accustomed to exploring the shallows in favor of the depths. It's kind of who he is. Me, when I catch myself in full armor mode I know self-loathing isn't far behind, so I work to strip the amor. But for the record: no woman ever strips it.

 

So, the sting you want to deliver—one, he's immune to that; two, that very instinct is troubling. That's you—warm you, honest you, feeling you—molding yourself into an inauthentic shape to play by his rules. Lose-lose, you see? In all scenarios he keeps the power. The only way you have power is to stop playing the game.

 

Remember, he is not waking up in the morning with stinging you on his to-do list. He's just doing what he wants, living how he's living. If you're now waking up thinking up ways to sting him—well, sad, right? I'd argue that that right there is just you looking for a distraction from all the bigger, realer stuff on your plate—that and, subconsciously, that you're kind of hooked on the sting. You were numb for a long time. You're craving feeling. The sting doesn't feel good—but, hey, it's feeling.

 

But it ain't serving you, at all. And neither is this guy.

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Who cares about him stinging or what he thinks? You're putting your time and energy and thoughts into a scumbag versus making plans on how to leave an unhealthy marriage. If you have this much time on your hands, like the other poster said, make plans for a career so you can be financially stable after the divorce. Start getting a resume together, or get enrolled into classes to prepare you for a career. Remove your husband's name from your credit cards and bank account. See a lawyer. Get your priorities straight.

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Love the insight. I did have this mentality that I could be the one to change him or he would somehow fall in love with me. Sounds rediculous I know. Idk why I’m doing this to myself. He knows my feelings, I’ve been open about how I am as a person- loving, honest, I can’t be like that with someone who I don’t have feelings for but the more I talk to my friend the more I’m turned off by him because she often brings him up because they talk a lot, she’s basically in the same position as me but he calls her and talks to her about his day- and this drives me nuts. We have some casual talk about our lives but it’s mostky flirty and sexual in nature and I was hoping that would change but who am I kidding? Myself really. I’ve tried to cut it off with him 3 times but I end up looking like a moron falling back into it. He doesn’t shut my feelings down but he doesn’t really reciprocate the emotions I have. So I guess that was leaving me with a shred of hope. Is it wrong that I kind of want to string him along and make him go crazy a little wondering why I’m acting off? I have been off putting this morning and he noticed right away and said something about it, I just told him I’m feeling off and that it’s a nice pic he sent and he doesn’t even ask me if I’m okay or why I’m feeling off, he just says thanks? . I don’t want to feel bad or not in control of this situation. I want him to sting like I did and do.

 

So my best bet is to just stop answering him? I don’t feel like giving an explanation. Since I’ve already told him a few times I wasn’t feeling good about it.

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You said you had stayed in the marriage for the sake of your daughter, yet you get involved in this mess. Doesn't sound like your daughter was a thought at all. How do you think she will feel when she learns of this mess?

 

How about getting a divorce from your husband , focusing on your child and getting a job. This guy is no prize.

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She’s a baby so has no recollection of the reality of what I’m doing. Yes I know it’s a mess and that I need to devote 100% of my attention on her. But I’m also a human, a woman, with feelings and desires that go past motherhood. Which is the very reason I’m posting in here for advice I hopes of finding healing or a listening ear. Not criticism

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She’s a baby so has no recollection of the reality of what I’m doing. Yes I know it’s a mess and that I need to devote 100% of my attention on her. But I’m also a human, a woman, with feelings and desires that go past motherhood. Which is the very reason I’m posting in here for advice I hopes of finding healing or a listening ear. Not criticism

 

If your husband finds out, she will find out later.

 

Listen, this guy is a sleaze bag and a liar. You also need to be a better friend.

 

Why don't you focus on getting a divorce and employment, and not on sexting and dirty photos.

 

C'mon, you do want more for yourself? You are also your daughter's role model, would you want her to get involved with a creep like this?

 

You are married. You can date after you divorce.

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What happens when he shows your husband your sexting exchanges? Go to a therapist for support and sound advice to help you navigate homesickness, the boredom and loneliness of a bad marriage and being a SAHM.

a man who works for my husbands company who lived down the street
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You’re right. Thank you all for you’re advice. How do I delete this thread?

 

Leave the thread up for other unfortunate souls that end up in your situation so they can gain the wisdom from the replies and your insight here...

 

The only thing I would add is that it is not "mean" if you stop responding to him... that's called standing up for yourself. No response is indeed a response and if he isn't respecting your boundaries then it's time to put up walls. You owe him nothing, he has given you nothing except his c0ck and you can literally find 100 of those on every street corner. You deserve the relationship you have always wanted and you will get it if you are patient and allow yourself time to grieve and get your life sorted out.

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The proof is in the pudding where your priorities are. You don't respect your husband, but you like living off his money.

I call full bs on 'I'm still living there for the sake of my daughter, and until I can save up."

That's not for your daughter. That's for you, so you can continue to not be responsible for yourself, continue to have all this free time to feel sorry for yourself and fool around.

 

You won't have time to be getting involved in all this if you were working and building a life for you and your daughter.

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I'm a little late getting in on this thread, but this guy thinks he's Hugh Hefner. It's all about the sex for him. You're having "feelings" for him, which is why you're confused. You're mixing love and sex together. The other woman uses him just for sex. I guess that's why she's not jealous about sharing him. But I think with your home situation, you're really looking for a boyfriend and not a sex toy. You use a sex toy, you don't fall in love with it.

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You get over him by realizing that, to him, you are but one of many options. He's got two of you on the go that you know of, and if he lives elsewhere, he's probably got a couple more play-things to keep him warm at night there too. This is the type of man who will get sex wherever he can.

 

You don't have the special place in his heart and mind that he does in yours. Thus, you won't be able to sting him the way you want. He just doesn't care that much.

 

One thing you need to keep in mind too, and I don't say this to be unkind: he knows you are not who you say you are, either. You say that he knows you are honest. But OP, you are not. He knows that. All of this is happening behind your husband's back, I gather, so telling your crush you are honest is pointless. When your behaviour contradicts your words, he won't take you seriously anyway. That's probably why he keeps trying with you, because he already knows you will deceive others when it suits you, and therefore might just give in to him and have a secret no-strings tryst. You're an easy target for him, in other words.

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its called rebound.

 

the most important thing for you right now (for the sake of your child!) is to focus on moving out and finalizing the divorce. next would then be to HEAL and get over the rebound/mourning period of your failed marriage and settle into your new life as a divorcee co-parenting a child’s life.

 

once you have that down.. and are completely emotionally over the divorce and whatever baggage you absorbed from that relationship.. THEN AND ONLY THEN... can you start considering dating again and another relationship. (how crazy is it that so many of us want to and try to jump into another relationship while in the midst of a relationship we’re failing in? makes no sense does it?)

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