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Thread: The tangled web I weave

  1. #11
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Ooof.

    I'm going to be brutally honest with you, at the expense of myself. I have been this guy, at various points, and it's a role I can slip into pretty easily. Good talker, charming, compellingly distant, a sensitive listener, just the right amount of spice to keep the sizzle without seeming sleazy. I'd never send a nude picósorry, not my styleóbut I know how to keep someone on the hook. It's attention-seeking stuff, all that. It's also armoróa means of flirting with authentic intimacy by extracting it from another without having to actually open up.

    It is, in a word, dangerous.

    Danger is appealingóI'm drawn to it in women. But here's the thing about people when they're armored up: the sting is not felt. And you know what, big picture? That sucks! For them, at least in my opinion. It's a shallow way to live, and this guy sounds like he's long accustomed to exploring the shallows in favor of the depths. It's kind of who he is. Me, when I catch myself in full armor mode I know self-loathing isn't far behind, so I work to strip the amor. But for the record: no woman ever strips it.

    So, the sting you want to deliveróone, he's immune to that; two, that very instinct is troubling. That's youówarm you, honest you, feeling youómolding yourself into an inauthentic shape to play by his rules. Lose-lose, you see? In all scenarios he keeps the power. The only way you have power is to stop playing the game.

    Remember, he is not waking up in the morning with stinging you on his to-do list. He's just doing what he wants, living how he's living. If you're now waking up thinking up ways to sting himówell, sad, right? I'd argue that that right there is just you looking for a distraction from all the bigger, realer stuff on your plateóthat and, subconsciously, that you're kind of hooked on the sting. You were numb for a long time. You're craving feeling. The sting doesn't feel goodóbut, hey, it's feeling.

    But it ain't serving you, at all. And neither is this guy.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    Who cares about him stinging or what he thinks? You're putting your time and energy and thoughts into a scumbag versus making plans on how to leave an unhealthy marriage. If you have this much time on your hands, like the other poster said, make plans for a career so you can be financially stable after the divorce. Start getting a resume together, or get enrolled into classes to prepare you for a career. Remove your husband's name from your credit cards and bank account. See a lawyer. Get your priorities straight.

  3. #13
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    Originally Posted by confused994
    Love the insight. I did have this mentality that I could be the one to change him or he would somehow fall in love with me. Sounds rediculous I know. Idk why Iím doing this to myself. He knows my feelings, Iíve been open about how I am as a person- loving, honest, I canít be like that with someone who I donít have feelings for but the more I talk to my friend the more Iím turned off by him because she often brings him up because they talk a lot, sheís basically in the same position as me but he calls her and talks to her about his day- and this drives me nuts. We have some casual talk about our lives but itís mostky flirty and sexual in nature and I was hoping that would change but who am I kidding? Myself really. Iíve tried to cut it off with him 3 times but I end up looking like a moron falling back into it. He doesnít shut my feelings down but he doesnít really reciprocate the emotions I have. So I guess that was leaving me with a shred of hope. Is it wrong that I kind of want to string him along and make him go crazy a little wondering why Iím acting off? I have been off putting this morning and he noticed right away and said something about it, I just told him Iím feeling off and that itís a nice pic he sent and he doesnít even ask me if Iím okay or why Iím feeling off, he just says thanks? . I donít want to feel bad or not in control of this situation. I want him to sting like I did and do.
    So my best bet is to just stop answering him? I donít feel like giving an explanation. Since Iíve already told him a few times I wasnít feeling good about it.

  4. #14
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    You said you had stayed in the marriage for the sake of your daughter, yet you get involved in this mess. Doesn't sound like your daughter was a thought at all. How do you think she will feel when she learns of this mess?

    How about getting a divorce from your husband , focusing on your child and getting a job. This guy is no prize.

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  6. #15
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    Sheís a baby so has no recollection of the reality of what Iím doing. Yes I know itís a mess and that I need to devote 100% of my attention on her. But Iím also a human, a woman, with feelings and desires that go past motherhood. Which is the very reason Iím posting in here for advice I hopes of finding healing or a listening ear. Not criticism

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by confused994
    Sheís a baby so has no recollection of the reality of what Iím doing. Yes I know itís a mess and that I need to devote 100% of my attention on her. But Iím also a human, a woman, with feelings and desires that go past motherhood. Which is the very reason Iím posting in here for advice I hopes of finding healing or a listening ear. Not criticism
    If your husband finds out, she will find out later.

    Listen, this guy is a sleaze bag and a liar. You also need to be a better friend.

    Why don't you focus on getting a divorce and employment, and not on sexting and dirty photos.

    C'mon, you do want more for yourself? You are also your daughter's role model, would you want her to get involved with a creep like this?

    You are married. You can date after you divorce.

  8. #17
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    Youíre right. Thank you all for youíre advice. How do I delete this thread?

  9. #18
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    What happens when he shows your husband your sexting exchanges? Go to a therapist for support and sound advice to help you navigate homesickness, the boredom and loneliness of a bad marriage and being a SAHM.
    Originally Posted by confused994
    a man who works for my husbands company who lived down the street

  10. #19
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    Originally Posted by confused994
    Youíre right. Thank you all for youíre advice. How do I delete this thread?
    You can't.

  11. #20
    Gold Member maew's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by confused994
    Youíre right. Thank you all for youíre advice. How do I delete this thread?
    Leave the thread up for other unfortunate souls that end up in your situation so they can gain the wisdom from the replies and your insight here...

    The only thing I would add is that it is not "mean" if you stop responding to him... that's called standing up for yourself. No response is indeed a response and if he isn't respecting your boundaries then it's time to put up walls. You owe him nothing, he has given you nothing except his c0ck and you can literally find 100 of those on every street corner. You deserve the relationship you have always wanted and you will get it if you are patient and allow yourself time to grieve and get your life sorted out.

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