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Thread: The tangled web I weave

  1. #1
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    The tangled web I weave

    So letís start with I am married, but the marriage is over as far as Iím concerned. My husband feels there is still hopes but I told him Iím not in love with him and I want to leave him. We are basically together for our daughters sake until I can save up enough to move out, Iím a stay at home mom. We are new to our city, 7 months in. Iíve been numb in my marriage for 2 years due to some unfaithfulness on his end. Now of course he wants to try and fix it all this time later but Iím broke. Since we moved Iíve been starting to want to feel again, for the first time in years a found myself attracted to a man who works for my husbands company who lived down the street, he made it clear he was single although he had a ďbest friendĒ who came to visit a lot. I never made any moves or anything on this man but there was a spark when we were all together. Long story short my marriage kept getting worse, more lies from him, I announced my being done with it, so I started to pursue this other man a little more. Over the course of the 7 months I met his ďfriendĒ and we actually became friends although she as great deal older than me we have gotten along great. From her side of the story they were very involved for many years and she still holds hope for them but heís made it clear that he just wants to be beats friends who casually sleep together when they see each other. He has since moved out of state for work and he reached out to me to have a NSA relationship. Just so we have the ages on the table, Iím 15 years younger than the man, sheís 15 years older than him. He has no kids, been divorced, she has grandkids so the life stages are different. I agreed to casually start talking with him mostly sexually in nature. He told me that him and said friend are over, but Iíve kept growing closer to this friend and she has feelings for him still even if he doesnít and she opens up to me about it which of course made me feel like complete for messing around with this guy over text. So I tried to end things with him he insisted that they are over but he wants to remain friends with her but he still sends her nudes and he calls her multiple times a day- she tells me all of this. He knows we talk but probably not to what extent. I told myself I was just going to flirt and have fun but over the last month or so Iíve caught feelings, strong ones. And Iím trying to find a way to phase him out without him really knowing it. I like him and would like to have the option to go back to him down the road when my friend is officially over him. I feel like a terrible person so please donít tell me what I already know. Why does the heart want the most complicated of situations? Please help. I find myself thinking about this guy all the time I want to get over him but I keep falling back in. I try ghosting him a tad then this morning he sends me a really nice full body pic and a nude so how do I respond or not respond to that without being mean or burning bridges or should I simply blow it off like I forgot to text back. Thank you

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    It's late here and I'm off to sleep shortly, so please excuse the somewhat short reply. I think even if you leave your husband and your female friend out of the equation, you definitely should stop interacting with this guy for self-preservation. To me it sounds like he's not really the commitment type and he just likes to sleep with different women casually. I mean that's what he wanted with that "friend" and you as well. It's fine if he wants that because he's been upfront about it. But you have feelings for him now and that never ends well. The FWB that has feelings always gets hurt. If you want a relationship, you're definitely not going to get it from this guy. Plus of course if you continue with him, you'll be hurting your female friend and your husband too because he's your husband's colleague. I would say start seeing some guys who are outside this friendship circle and who actually want to date.

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    Thatís very sound advice. I appreciate your response thank you :) Iím just not sure how to do that. Without being mean or making a big deal of it because like I said we are still in the same ring of friends

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    Ok... you arenít going to like my post - but Iíll be straight with you.

    In every bad situation there is a silver lining. The silver lining in your situation is this woman. Itís with HER that your loyalties should lie. You should not be looking to stab her in the back.

    Your marriage is over. I agree... long over. You are looking for an escape route. The thing is... no amount of ďsavingsĒ (short of retirement-level savings in the hundreds of thousands of dollars) will help you move out. You need a steady income (ie: a job). This should be your first focus so that you can move forward in a positive, sustainable direction for both you and your kids.

    This guy? Heís a piece of work. Heís been stringing this lady along for YEARS. Heís doing that because he doesnít want a relationship. With anybody. If he did, he would have been long gone and onto the next woman. I know that as women we like to be competitive and think our connections are ďdifferentĒ and ďmeant to beĒ and all this romantic stuff... but the reason this guy is into you is BECAUSE you are married. He thinks you are not a threat to his singleness. If you suddenly become single, he will not suddenly want a relationship and he wonít be the one to help you out of your relationship. Heíll either be long gone - or back with this woman who accepts being strung along. There is nothing but heartbreak waiting with this guy.

    The way out of this mess and onto a positive path is to get a job and to strengthen your relationship with this woman. SHE is the one who will be your friend in this new place - a person to turn to and talk to and help you on a path to a good life.

    Forget about these men. Both of them (your husband included, since thatís over). I know they are exciting and get out blood and hormones flowing - but there is no happiness with either of them. You need to find your own new path - and community around you will help. This woman can form part of your community.

    PS: there is no getting out of it ďwithout him realizingĒ. You are there. You are young, attractive, taken, etc. He is going to keep pushing because itís advantageous to him. Just tell him you arenít into it. There is nothing to ďsaveĒ here. You are married. He will (eventually) understand.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    NSA means he's free to screw whoever and however many he wants to. Since you won't be happy with that, I don't know why you would spend one more precious second of your life pursuing what doesn't work for you. He only needs to be told, "I'm no longer interested. I'm going to ask that we no longer communicate so I can concentrate on working on a new life for myself."

    Until you've spent a full year AFTER you leave your husband, mourning the loss of the relationship and healing, you will continue choosing men who are totally inappropriate for you. Your children need you now more than ever, as they adjust to their new living situation. They need their mom's total focus, and not have your time and attention partially devoted to a lowlife who just wants to get his rocks off. I know your self esteem has taken a shot and it's nice to be desired by another man, but you will have to sacrifice that part of your life for now for your own good, and the well-being of your kids.

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    This is all wonderful advice I love the blunt honest replies. I need to hear it thank you so much. I feel so foolish and selfish.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Why not file for divorce. At this point you seem to be retaliating by wanting to cheat with this guy, who obviously is a sleazebag. Talk to an attorney and a therapist, not some random horny creep.

    Why talk to and attempt to complete with his other fwb? Why add this mess to your already messed up marriage? What are you getting out of some creep sending you pics of his junk? make an appt today with a therapist and an attorney.
    Originally Posted by confused994
    So letís start with I am married, but the marriage is over as far as Iím concerned.
    He has since moved out of state for work and he reached out to me to have a NSA relationship. I agreed to casually start talking with him mostly sexually in nature. I like him and would like to have the option to go back to him. he sends me a really nice full body pic and a nude

  9. #8
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Great, wise, blunt words from RedDress.

    What I'll addóand what may be worth unpacking with a therapistóis the instinct to escape a marriage that suffered from infidelity with a man who is unreliable, emotionally unavailable, not remotely interested in fidelity or commitment. I mean, he's honest about it, to a degree. He's a bachelor, doing as he pleases, thriving on both the sexual thrill and the ego thrill of people being into him.

    So I'd take a moment to be honest with yourself and question what it is in you that is drawn to this, that maybe wants to be the difference, the one who makes him change course.

    In terms of how to proceed, everything RedDress said. Don't worry about being mean to himódude doesn't care. Dude likes his body and likes when people like itóthat's what that text is, and I can assure you that his interactions with the friend have the occasional dash of innuendo, too. That's his prerogative, and (pun intended) he's naked about it.

    This is the time to cultivate genuine friendships, to focus on what you need to move on from a marriage that has run its course. Those tools, and that power, is inside you. It's not inside this dude.

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    Love the insight. I did have this mentality that I could be the one to change him or he would somehow fall in love with me. Sounds rediculous I know. Idk why Iím doing this to myself. He knows my feelings, Iíve been open about how I am as a person- loving, honest, I canít be like that with someone who I donít have feelings for but the more I talk to my friend the more Iím turned off by him because she often brings him up because they talk a lot, sheís basically in the same position as me but he calls her and talks to her about his day- and this drives me nuts. We have some casual talk about our lives but itís mostky flirty and sexual in nature and I was hoping that would change but who am I kidding? Myself really. Iíve tried to cut it off with him 3 times but I end up looking like a moron falling back into it. He doesnít shut my feelings down but he doesnít really reciprocate the emotions I have. So I guess that was leaving me with a shred of hope. Is it wrong that I kind of want to string him along and make him go crazy a little wondering why Iím acting off? I have been off putting this morning and he noticed right away and said something about it, I just told him Iím feeling off and that itís a nice pic he sent and he doesnít even ask me if Iím okay or why Iím feeling off, he just says thanks? . I donít want to feel bad or not in control of this situation. I want him to sting like I did and do.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    These are the reasons you are doing this. Boredom and revenge. A creep who sends you junk pics does not want a relationship with you. Besides you are married so no decent guy is going to bother with you.

    Hopefully you realize anything "sexy" you send this jerk can be forwarded to your husband in a nanosecond. That means instead of "saving up to leave" (nonsense) he will use it against you in the divorce and it will be on your husbands terms. He could also use it to deem you an unfit mother in any custody hearing.

    So think long and hard. Junk pics from some sleaze or your life as a dignified divorced single mother. Your choice.
    Originally Posted by confused994
    We are basically together for our daughters sake until I can save up enough to move out, Iím a stay at home mom. Iíve been numb in my marriage for 2 years due to some unfaithfulness on his end.

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