I have a crush on him, but he has a girlfriend...

Hi everybody! I don't know if this is the right group... Anyway, my problem is: I went through a breakup six weeks ago, my ex broke up with me. I am still sad but I am seeing a therapist. I changed my work place, and I have a crush on one of my colleagues. He is really nice, I find him handsome, every time I see him my heart beats faster. We talk every day, usually he comes to me to talk, and we discuss personal things too, and there is a lot of common in us. Today he shared his chocolate with me, I found it so sweet, and then he said he got it from his girlfriend. I tried to manage my smile and poker face, but after he left my office, I started to cry. I know it's stupid, but until I thought there is hope, my heart break because of my ex wasn't that bad. It doesn't mean I am over him yet. Now I feel my heart broke again a little... At least I had hope until today. I know they don't live together, but it doesn't mean anything. I am friendly with him, haven't shown my attraction. I don't want to confess him (he is a psychologist anyway...), because I want to chat with him in the future, however maybe avoiding him would be better... But I can't avoid him. Talking with him was the highlight of my day... I feel so stupid and devastated, another rejection again (it feels like rejection). I dress up and put makeup on because of him, and I am happier because of him... Now I feel I am in a dark hole again.

Have you ever been in this situation? What have you done?

Oh dear... if it's any consolation, it doesn't sound as though you're ready for another relationship. You haven't given yourself enough time to get past your breakup, learn from it and move on.

I've been in the situation where there has been a breakup, and either I've immediately started a terrible crush on someone who isn't available, or I've jumped quickly into another relationship. Both of them are ways of avoiding the pain of the breakup - but that is exactly what you need to do, to become really available again.

As to what to do at work... keep dressing up and putting on makeup. Because it helps you feel good about yourself, not for anybody else. Stop making your happiness contingent on starting another relationship, and just enjoy this guy as a pleasant colleague. For what it's worth, enjoy the crush... it will fade in time. If you start to cry about him, just redirect your thoughts to your broken relationship, because that's what the tears are REALLY about. Experiencing the pain in all its rawness will help you get through it more quickly.

You have not had any rejection from your colleague, so stop treating it like another failed relationship and carry on being friendly and professional with no ulterior motives. Avoiding him for no good reason will just make it worse, and whatever you do, DON'T tell him of your feelings for him.

(((HUGS)))

Thank you so much for your reply! I know I am not ready, and this crush helps me to cover my pain, or I don't know how to say it. I try to convince myself that I was happy in the past without boyfriends... But having a bf or a crush makes life happier for me... I hope therapy will help with this too. I need to build up myself again. I don't want to ruin anybody' s life anyway, since I know that a heart break is really painful. I am too romantic and naive. I guess he likes me (?) that's why he offered me chocolate and comes to my office every day to talk. It should be enough for me. At least we talk and have fun.

Having a boyfriend or a crush makes life happier for most of us.

However, it's good if you're happy anyway and the relationship is the icing on an already very rich cake. If you have a fulfilled life, breakups don't hit so hard because you have other resources - both practical and emotional - to see you through. If you enter relationships not being particularly needy, you're more likely to get all your needs met; this is not the case if you're looking for a partner to complete you (not saying you are, btw!) or if having someone to love is your No.1 priority in life.

I've been with my partner for 3+ years now; in the early days he warned me that he had been accused of being 'distant and detached' by his previous girlfriend. This didn't worry me at all; in fact I told him about a year in that I didn't find him 'distant and detached' at all. We joke that 'that's because I'm even more distant and detached than he is', but the truth is that we both enjoy our own time, our own space, AND our time together. A loving relationship comes from a full heart, not an empty one.

There will come a time when you look back on all this, and it will just seem like a bad dream. Right now, be gentle with yourself.

Sorry to hear this. How long were you dating? What was the breakup about? It sounds like he is being friendly and specifically mentioned his GF to let you know were he stands. This isn't about this coworker, this is about your recent breakup.

If you are ready to date it would be better to get a nice profile and pics up on some dating apps and start messaging and meeting single available men you don't work with. It's inappropriate to sexually harass coworkers by telling them you have a crush or trying to come on to them, etc.

Perhaps it's time to discuss your breakup and heartache with your therapist and perhaps see a physician to address any depressive thoughts and to get an evaluation and treatment for that.

-I went through a breakup six weeks ago.

-I am seeing a therapist.

-I changed my work place, and I have a crush on one of my colleagues.

-then he said he got it from his girlfriend.

-I started to cry.

I had my previous relationship from last May until the end of this October. He broke up with me, because we lived abroad, I gave up everything for him, and then things went wrong, I couldn't imagine my future with him, however I was terrified to lose him. I wasn't able to make a good decision, and he had enough of me, plus he was mommy's boy and the mother hated me. I felt such a bad person and they blamed me and told me I am instabil and not good enough for them, the mother even told my she will kill me if I destroy his little son... And ex didn't take my side. I turned into a therapist, had 2 sessions so far, and she told me that my bf was not a good person, his mother was sick, and the problem with me that I don't have any self-confidence, and we have to work on that, because it's really serious. I was really emotionally dependent on my ex. I don't love myself that much... That's why I feel I need a man who likes me and appreciate me? Maybe... It makes me feel better, because I desperately want to be accepted and want to be loved. Next time on therapy I will tell her about my crush.

He just briefly mentioned his gf, that he got the chocolate that she shared with me, from her. I told him about my breakup by the way. Since he is a psychologist, he is a really good listener. He told me that we are here to support each other too (we work in a school, I am the new school nurse and he is new here as well). He is really kind, understanding, cute and I feel comfortable in his company, I am really shy basically, but not with him. He asks every day how I feel, what's new, how I spent my weekend, would I drink a coffee. I guess I have to accept the facts that he is just a friendly and nice man, and work on myself with my therapist.

Thank you guys for the replies!

Crushes are completely normal in the work place. I had a massive crush on someone I worked closely with.

Honestly would turn into a school girl around him.

Found out he has a gf and my heart sank a little lol. Not because I thought anything would happen as I don't believe in dating at work.

Like you I discovered him after a breakup. Used to dress up in hope he would see me. He helped me start that again as I let myself go after my breakup.

Despite knowing my work crush was taken. I still dressed up for me!

Would see him at work still get giddy. No harm in fancying people in work.

You aren't ready to date as you know.

But look at their crush as a positive. You are still fancying people so when you are ready. You'll feel those "butterflies" with someone else lol

Read some articles on emotional affairs. You're actually in one at work. When you treat a co-worker of the opposite sex differently than anyone else at work, their's a spark between you, you make it a priority to visit each other at each other's desks, and you share very personal details of your lives with each other, then that's an emotional affair.

It's not healthy in your situation. It's up to you to make personal boundaries with him. No longer divulge personal things like breakups with him, and stick to topics of what you'd discuss with any of your other co-workers. When he comes by your desk, you can be pleasant, but cut him short and tell him you need to get back to work, and/or complete some task. If he starts divulging something very personal, don't indulge him with lengthy advice or sympathy. Either just be short and say. That's too bad or Maybe you should talk to a guy friend about that.

Don't go for coffee with him unless other co-workers go as well. One day you will get a new bf, and it's inappropriate to have a "work husband." -- a guy you're overly involved with and share chemistry with. Put a stop to it now so it doesn't become a forever pattern.

This guy likely knows you have a crush on him and it feeds his ego. He mentioned the gf so you'll know why he's not asking you out, but he loves how you, a pretty woman, smiles at him and how you love having him around, so why wouldn't he want to spend extra time with you?

In his world, this is what works for him but it doesn't work for you. You have the power to take charge of your own life. Try meetup.com for a great way to meet single guys when you feel healed enough from your breakup to begin dating again. Take care and let us know how it goes.

This guy is a bright star in your currently dark sky. It’s ok to talk to someone if they make your day a little better. It sounds like he’s a nice friend... what’s wrong with that? Just don’t go any further than friendship as long as he has a girlfriend. But I see nothing wrong with him chatting with you and sharing his chocolate. And the only reason you are crying is because you’re mourning a relationship, it has nothing to go with this new friend. Keep talking with him as a friend and let him make your day, and just remember he has nothing to do with your former relationship.

Excellent you are going to a therapist. Continue to follow up and work on your broken heart. Talk to the therapist about not transferring this emotional dependence on this coworker.

He has a gf, so be careful not to get attached as a substitute for therapy or a bf. Also do not talk to him about your problems this much. He's not your personal psychologist and it isn't fair to him.

-I had my previous relationship from last May until the end of this October.

 

-I turned into a therapist, had 2 sessions so far

 

- I was really emotionally dependent on my ex.

 

- I told him about my breakup by the way.

Guys, thank you sooo much for all the replies, I feel better, and I really appreciate that you all made the effort to help me!

You’ll be ok Esther, you just need to mourn it. Be grateful and enjoy your new job and your new friend, and I’m sure you’ll meet more friends at work too as time goes on.

Awww OP... this may be the first of many of these types of situations. I have had a number of secret crushes on various people, only to be sincerely disappointed when they walk into a room with another girl. It DOES feel like rejection in a way. The good thing in this situation is that you can hold your head up high because you did not behave inappropriately in any way and you were professional with him. Continue to be professional and set clear boundaries so this doesn't turn into an emotional affair... and work on getting over your relationship.

You have not healed over your relationship. You should not consider dating until you have healed.

Do you have female friends? i think that that is where your focus should be.

The thing is Esther is that right now, you are basing your self worth and your happiness on someone else. You are giving away your own power and thinking you're only worthy if someone wants you or if there is a romance going on.

I know rejection can hurt and it feels awful but you can get past it and become a stronger woman without needing validation like this.

You are still you. You still have all the wonderful things in you that you always have had. Those things don't change or go away just because someone treats you badly.

You still have the same worth and value and it doesn't make it only valid if someone else see's it....it's there ALL the time. No validation needed from anyone.

Romance can be nice but there is a time and place. Right now is not it and definitely not with someone else's man. I know you don't want to be the woman that scams on someone else's man as I doubt very much you'd want someone to do that to your man when the day comes that you meet someone.

So don't be that woman, you're better than that.

Your time will come and the right man will come. Give yourself and the situation patience.

Right now, work on building yourself back up. Do that with your therapist and in your own mind. Mourn, heal and become stronger.

Spend time with friends, loved ones, new experiences, hobbies, things you enjoy, but for the time being, place romance on hold.

You will get better and things will get better. It's only a matter of time. For now, put all your energy into healing and getting past your break up, but do so in healthy ways without running to men.

You can do this.

simple rule: NEVER EVER get involved (even with feelings) with anybody who isn’t FREE, CLEAR, AND SINGLE! period! you’ll lose out and get hurt and regret it.

lastly: you can do whatever you want. you can avoid anybody you want or more importantly - avoid ENGAGING or getting involved with anybody you want. we are not helpless victims that the universe is throwing us into other people that we can only oblige and go alon with. own your life. own your destiny. you have COMPLETE control.

You are feeling a void from the ending of your most recent breakup. I think we can often catch ourselves trying to fill that void with unhealthy attachments and behaviors.

There's a crude saying `if you are hungry, you are liable to eat anything'

The goal here is to fill your void with some healthy things, activities, friendships, hobbies and grieve the ending of your previous relationship.

Don't give much value to this crush and allow his actions rock you one way or another. You are very vulnerable right now. The fact that he offered you candy and told you that he got it from his girlfriend was his way of setting a boundary with you. Don't read any further into it.

The fact that you've allowed this simple exchange set you back so easily is an indication of how much more healing you need to go through before you consider the attention of another man.

Honor that and take care of yourself.

Thank you, everybody. I really appreciate that you took the time and effort to help me! I definately don't want to be THAT woman. If I would have my bf still and a girl would chase him, I would feel awful and jelous. I don't want to destroy any body's relationship. You are right, I am vulnerable, and the timing is off too. I would never flirt with him, so far I was just friendly with him. And I think I should appreciate that at least we have a friendly relationship, but nothing more. I respect his girlfriend. I get a lot of support from my family and my therapist. I don't have too many friends, I lived abroad for the last 10 months with my ex and slowly lost my few friends at home, but I have a really good relationship with my twin and my brother, as well as with my parents, and I found an amazing therapist.

It's true that I don't feel a whole person without a man in my life... So much work to do on therapy! But I am positive and I will work on self confidance and self acceptance.

Thank you for your encouraging, I am really thankful that you shared your thoughts with me!

I lived abroad for the last 10 months with my ex and slowly lost my few friends at home,

Losing touch over a mere 10 months doesn't mean losing the friends, it just means you diverged for a while. I'd contact each of them to meet and catch up. I'd focus on building my private interests outside of work along with a healthy social life.

Everyone who's ever been through adolescence can relate to having a crush, and it doesn't make you sick or 'wrong'. It's also not something to dwell on or keep feeding, especially since it's a colleague. So invest in building UP your life outside of work, invest in your therapy, and make it a private goal to surprise everyone, including yourself, with your resilience and ability to bounce back from your breakup to create a fabulous future for yourself.

Crushes are hiccups that point to too much fantasy rather than building a satisfying reality. So invest in reality, and make commitments to others in your life and your community to help them with their projects and tasks. This will not only serve as a distraction from rumination, it will ground you, normalize you, and build strong bonds with the people you care about. The healing that comes from that needs to be experienced to be learned, so try it and let us know what happens. You'll be surprised, and you'll feel valued and appreciated in ways that 'thinking' about it can't accomplish.

Head high.

The guy is off limits. You know this. Getting involved with a coworker or boss or colleague is a slippery slope and not recommended. Getting involved with someone who is married or has a girlfriend...no. You are recently out of a breakup and your loving feelings are misdirected because the guy is handsome and nice to you. I'm sure any one of your friends or family have shared a snack or chocolate with you, and you don't get all swooney over it. You appreciate the gesture and will do the same in return. You simply have a lot of "smooshy" feelings right now. Yes, I have been in this situation. What have I done? Consider this a fun little work crush. Something that brightens your day. A secret attraction that will never result in anything other than some fun little thoughts, and not dominating thoughts. Dominating thoughts are a completely different issue. This man's "plusses" are things you will want in a man you will meet some time in the future. The way you interact are "plusses" and an example of what you want with a mate you will meet some time in the future. Don't let this crush turn into anything more than a crush. It's a little joyful spot that makes the daily grind bearable....nothing more. It will probably pass, but it's fun while it lasts.

Focus on you. Don't hang all your happiness on a boyfriend. Don't wait to buy furniture or decorate the walls for later, after you're married...do it now because it makes you happy. Put on makeup and do the hair and dress as you want because it makes you happy. The attention from a "you look nice" is a bonus from anyone, whether a crush or an acquaintance. It boosts your morale. When your crush complements you, of course you're going to feel extra gooey. He's not hitting on you (hopefully). He's a friend like any other, but it's super fun that a guy says this, especially your secret crush. It makes you realize you've still "got it" as you maneuver back into the dating pool.