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Thread: I have a crush on him, but he has a girlfriend...

  1. #11
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    Guys, thank you sooo much for all the replies, I feel better, and I really appreciate that you all made the effort to help me!

  2. #12
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    Youíll be ok Esther, you just need to mourn it. Be grateful and enjoy your new job and your new friend, and Iím sure youíll meet more friends at work too as time goes on.

  3. #13
    Gold Member maew's Avatar
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    Awww OP... this may be the first of many of these types of situations. I have had a number of secret crushes on various people, only to be sincerely disappointed when they walk into a room with another girl. It DOES feel like rejection in a way. The good thing in this situation is that you can hold your head up high because you did not behave inappropriately in any way and you were professional with him. Continue to be professional and set clear boundaries so this doesn't turn into an emotional affair... and work on getting over your relationship.

  4. #14
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    You have not healed over your relationship. You should not consider dating until you have healed.

    Do you have female friends? i think that that is where your focus should be.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    The thing is Esther is that right now, you are basing your self worth and your happiness on someone else. You are giving away your own power and thinking you're only worthy if someone wants you or if there is a romance going on.

    I know rejection can hurt and it feels awful but you can get past it and become a stronger woman without needing validation like this.

    You are still you. You still have all the wonderful things in you that you always have had. Those things don't change or go away just because someone treats you badly.
    You still have the same worth and value and it doesn't make it only valid if someone else see's it....it's there ALL the time. No validation needed from anyone.

    Romance can be nice but there is a time and place. Right now is not it and definitely not with someone else's man. I know you don't want to be the woman that scams on someone else's man as I doubt very much you'd want someone to do that to your man when the day comes that you meet someone.
    So don't be that woman, you're better than that.

    Your time will come and the right man will come. Give yourself and the situation patience.
    Right now, work on building yourself back up. Do that with your therapist and in your own mind. Mourn, heal and become stronger.

    Spend time with friends, loved ones, new experiences, hobbies, things you enjoy, but for the time being, place romance on hold.

    You will get better and things will get better. It's only a matter of time. For now, put all your energy into healing and getting past your break up, but do so in healthy ways without running to men.

    You can do this.

  7. #16
    Bronze Member thisisrichey's Avatar
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    simple rule: NEVER EVER get involved (even with feelings) with anybody who isnít FREE, CLEAR, AND SINGLE! period! youíll lose out and get hurt and regret it.

    lastly: you can do whatever you want. you can avoid anybody you want or more importantly - avoid ENGAGING or getting involved with anybody you want. we are not helpless victims that the universe is throwing us into other people that we can only oblige and go alon with. own your life. own your destiny. you have COMPLETE control.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    You are feeling a void from the ending of your most recent breakup. I think we can often catch ourselves trying to fill that void with unhealthy attachments and behaviors.

    There's a crude saying `if you are hungry, you are liable to eat anything'
    The goal here is to fill your void with some healthy things, activities, friendships, hobbies and grieve the ending of your previous relationship.

    Don't give much value to this crush and allow his actions rock you one way or another. You are very vulnerable right now. The fact that he offered you candy and told you that he got it from his girlfriend was his way of setting a boundary with you. Don't read any further into it.

    The fact that you've allowed this simple exchange set you back so easily is an indication of how much more healing you need to go through before you consider the attention of another man.

    Honor that and take care of yourself.

  9. #18
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    Thank you, everybody. I really appreciate that you took the time and effort to help me! I definately don't want to be THAT woman. If I would have my bf still and a girl would chase him, I would feel awful and jelous. I don't want to destroy any body's relationship. You are right, I am vulnerable, and the timing is off too. I would never flirt with him, so far I was just friendly with him. And I think I should appreciate that at least we have a friendly relationship, but nothing more. I respect his girlfriend. I get a lot of support from my family and my therapist. I don't have too many friends, I lived abroad for the last 10 months with my ex and slowly lost my few friends at home, but I have a really good relationship with my twin and my brother, as well as with my parents, and I found an amazing therapist.
    It's true that I don't feel a whole person without a man in my life... So much work to do on therapy! But I am positive and I will work on self confidance and self acceptance.
    Thank you for your encouraging, I am really thankful that you shared your thoughts with me!

  10. #19
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Esther92
    I lived abroad for the last 10 months with my ex and slowly lost my few friends at home,
    Losing touch over a mere 10 months doesn't mean losing the friends, it just means you diverged for a while. I'd contact each of them to meet and catch up. I'd focus on building my private interests outside of work along with a healthy social life.

    Everyone who's ever been through adolescence can relate to having a crush, and it doesn't make you sick or 'wrong'. It's also not something to dwell on or keep feeding, especially since it's a colleague. So invest in building UP your life outside of work, invest in your therapy, and make it a private goal to surprise everyone, including yourself, with your resilience and ability to bounce back from your breakup to create a fabulous future for yourself.

    Crushes are hiccups that point to too much fantasy rather than building a satisfying reality. So invest in reality, and make commitments to others in your life and your community to help them with their projects and tasks. This will not only serve as a distraction from rumination, it will ground you, normalize you, and build strong bonds with the people you care about. The healing that comes from that needs to be experienced to be learned, so try it and let us know what happens. You'll be surprised, and you'll feel valued and appreciated in ways that 'thinking' about it can't accomplish.

    Head high.

  11. #20
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    The guy is off limits. You know this. Getting involved with a coworker or boss or colleague is a slippery slope and not recommended. Getting involved with someone who is married or has a girlfriend...no. You are recently out of a breakup and your loving feelings are misdirected because the guy is handsome and nice to you. I'm sure any one of your friends or family have shared a snack or chocolate with you, and you don't get all swooney over it. You appreciate the gesture and will do the same in return. You simply have a lot of "smooshy" feelings right now. Yes, I have been in this situation. What have I done? Consider this a fun little work crush. Something that brightens your day. A secret attraction that will never result in anything other than some fun little thoughts, and not dominating thoughts. Dominating thoughts are a completely different issue. This man's "plusses" are things you will want in a man you will meet some time in the future. The way you interact are "plusses" and an example of what you want with a mate you will meet some time in the future. Don't let this crush turn into anything more than a crush. It's a little joyful spot that makes the daily grind bearable....nothing more. It will probably pass, but it's fun while it lasts.

    Focus on you. Don't hang all your happiness on a boyfriend. Don't wait to buy furniture or decorate the walls for later, after you're married...do it now because it makes you happy. Put on makeup and do the hair and dress as you want because it makes you happy. The attention from a "you look nice" is a bonus from anyone, whether a crush or an acquaintance. It boosts your morale. When your crush complements you, of course you're going to feel extra gooey. He's not hitting on you (hopefully). He's a friend like any other, but it's super fun that a guy says this, especially your secret crush. It makes you realize you've still "got it" as you maneuver back into the dating pool.

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