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Thread: We haven't had any discussions about the future of our relationship..

  1. #1
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    We haven't had any discussions about the future of our relationship..

    Been dating my BF for 16 months now, we are really in love and deeply committed to each other.
    He actually moved to a city 3 hours away for his job (he had no choice in the matter and was an amazing job offer) that he had to move away for.
    He's been there almost 2 months now, and we have to wait 2 weeks sometimes 3 weeks in between seeing each other due to him travelling for business trips.

    Anyway.. we haven't had a discussion recently on weather I will eventually be moving to his city or not. I would love to move to his city!
    He lived with me for 3 months before he moved away, and it was amazing.

    I will be spending Christmas holidays with him at his family home. I am very involved with his family too.

    He's busy with his new job and training currently, so I don't want to hassle him and ask what the future plans are with us..

    But surely we can't keep doing long distance forever? Plus I miss him so much.

    I have a really good job that I just got here when he moved away, and I also don't want to leave this job.. but I know I could get another good job easily in his city. Or if even I stayed here for a while, just to have some sort of plan figured out would ease my mind.

    It's driving me crazy not knowing what he envisions happening, anytime I have brought it up in the past he has got annoyed and said to just enjoy the moment and that he loves me heaps and he didn't know.. but that was a while ago now.

    Do you think in this instance any other couple would have had this discussion already?

    Is this weird not to know what the future plan is?

    Thanks

  2. #2
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    I’d really love to hear a guy’s opinion on this...

    To me it’s weird... but I’m a woman.

    Not to stereotype, but I think as women, we like to have visions of the future and at least some kind of vague plans. It gives us a sense of security and overall purpose and direction to the relationship. Even if things don’t work out exactly that way - we kind of want to have an idea where we are going.

    In my observation with my guy friends, I don’t think men are like that as much. I do think that they like to go with the flow more. It’s only really when they decide they want to commit/marry/move in do they start making real plans (and then they are real plans).

    So... I don’t know. It could be that your bf is not settled yet and it’s clear that you need more time at this job, etc. - so he’a content going with the flow.

    ... but yeah... it would drive me crazy too. I’d at least want a rough sketch?

    I think we need a man to answer. It could be that he’s not that into it if he’s putting it off... it could be that you are prematurely discussing something that needs not be discussed yet.

    Sorry. That probably wasn’t very helpful. :/

  3. #3
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    I am a guy.

    Can I ask how old you both are? As a guy it seems clear to me that he is not ready to start planning for a future together. I don't think that it is exactly the same as saying the he doesn't want a future together, but if I am being completely honest it doesn't look great to me in terms of long term potential.

    For me it comes down to age. If you are young (for me this means under thirty) and you really like this guy then maybe give it some time and see if he is ready to make a firmer commitment in six months or a year. If you are older (say 35+) and he is not even willing to discuss where this relationship is headed then, honestly, he is never going to be ready and you should either just be willing to accept this or (probably better for both of you) just end it.

    Sorry that you are in this situation. Hope this is helpful.

  4. #4
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    This is the guy that you always have to travel to, and makes pay your own expenses for the flights?

    You have created three threads on this within the last few weeks.

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  6. #5
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    Considering one of your most recent threads where you indicated the amount it costs you per month to travel & see him, if I were in your shoes, I’d want to have an idea of where the relationship was going as well.

    Plus, you’ve been together long enough where this discussion shouldn’t come as a surprise and you were living together before he moved, so why not?

    Just brace yourself for his answer since it could go either way.

    I realize you two discussed it before and he brushed it off, but surely he has to have some idea if he sees a future with you, especially after 16 months.

  7. #6
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    This is the guy that you always have to travel to, and makes pay your own expenses for the flights?

    You have created three threads on this within the last few weeks.
    This.

    OP, you need to talk to him about this now. We can speculate all we want, but you're essentially asking the same questions over and over.

  8. #7
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    I don't know. What do you want us to say? You've asked this question several times already.

    [Register to see the link]
    [Register to see the link]

    You've also talked about how he's still in touch with his FWB girlfriend.

    [Register to see the link]

    I don't think the guy cares about you. As long as you keep coming out to see him, he's going to sleep with you, but it doesn't sound like he cares one way or another. Even when he lived locally, you had to go over to his place. And you're spending a fortune on air travel.

    Taking all your posts together, I think you're wasting your time. Move on from this guy and find another guy who lives near you and you can have a normal relationship with. Your BF is not the only guy in the world. Find someone who will at least meet you half way.

  9. #8
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    I understand that you're really invested in this guy, but if he saw a future together he'd have talked about it by now, even in general terms. The fact that he gets annoyed when you bring it up, and tells you to enjoy the moment, is a very accurate reflection of his feelings about the relationship. Because "enjoying the moment" is all he's doing. Although you're clearly committed to him, I'd question how committed he really is to you - at least, when it involves any effort on his part.

    It sounds as though he's fine about paying your costs, and then he gets the benefits of sleeping with you - but he isn't prepared to disrupt his lifestyle to come and see you. In other words, the emotional investment just isn't there. When it's convenient for him, you're included in his life, but not otherwise.

    For your part, you have commitments closer to home, and I think you'd be better served concentrating on those than looking to a future with someone who doesn't see a future with you. Cut down on the number of visits, get out and about and meet new people. "Enjoying the moment" is great - but not at this cost to your sense of wellbeing.

  10. #9
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    I'm a guy, and I reckon I've been this guy.

    It sounds to me like his emotional investment is simply not as high as yours, at this moment. That can be for any number of reasons. It could be his nature, just kind of where he is in life right now. It could be because he's focused on his new job, and the way he works is to focus on one thing at a time. It could be that he's just not at a place—either with you, or in general—where he understands what it means to really include another person in his life.

    You can pick all that apart, but it will likely just tighten the same knot.

    I think moving forward you have two options.

    1. You can try to let go a bit of future talks, and focus on the reality of the moment. He's got a new job, you've got a new job—now is the time to kind of just enjoy things for what they are a bit longer, respecting both the connection but also where there's some disconnect. If, of course, that's genuinely possible.

    2. Now is the time to focus on what you want, what you need, and clearly express that. Not out of anxiety or frustration, but simply self-expression and confidence. To do that, though, you need to be ready to let this relationship go if he's unable to step up in the way you need.

    My last relationship had this dynamic, almost from the get-go. I liked her, was enjoying the moment, not really thinking about what any of it meant. I had too many balls in the air at the time: new city to adjust to, some emotional residue from a past relationship blocking my heart's arteries. Whenever talks came up I'd reply with my version of "enjoy the moment," and she'd kind of swallow her deeper feelings and go with it.

    The trouble with this dynamic is that she was essentially accommodating my fog, which only rewarded it, kept me (and her) in it. Deep down, I wanted her to challenge me more, to assert herself more. Maybe because (selfishly) I wanted to be tugged out of the fog, maybe because one of the ironies of the relationship is that I couldn't totally take it totally seriously if she chose accommodation over assertion. Point being that what made the relationship work—her toe-stepping, her reluctance to push—is also what made it not work, and from this and past posts of yours it sounds like you're dangerously close to walking a similar line.

    So just be honest with yourself so you can be honest with him.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    This is the guy that you always have to travel to, and makes pay your own expenses for the flights?
    Oh my. Yes. Sorry... I take back my earlier post. I didn’t check the history before responding.

    ... and really, I want to echo what bluecastle is saying...

    If the “3 hours” means a flight (and all the money associated with that) and in turn, you are losing time with your child, then the luxury of “going with the flow” goes out the window for very practical reasons. And guys understand that too.

    There definitely comes a point where you need to look after yourself and what’s best for you. Not doing so isn’t charming - it simply makes you look desperate and makes someone lose respect for you (sorry). You are actually losing your chances to be with him, in my opinion, rather than increasing them.

    In no way should you be going into debt over some guy and losing time with your child. You need to draw a line. He needs to make a decision and he won’t do that while you keep accommodating his wishy-washy behavior.

    Given the context and circumstances, I really think he’s just leading you on at this point. You need to pull the plug. Sorry.

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