Recent break up with a guy with children

Hello enotaloners, I'm wondering if anyone can help?

For about 1.5 weeks now I've been split up from my ex boyfriend, amicably mind but it was more due to me and my doubts. We were only together for 3 months but it was very intense, we connected on a level I've never experienced before with a guy - not even in a previous long term relationship. The reason for this was solely due to the fact he had two children, aged 9 and 3 (by two different mothers, the first was when he was married and the second was from a relationship after his divorce 5 years ago). The 9 year old he sees every weekend and the youngest child lives about 5 hours away. I'm 33 with no children.

I guess something deep down felt uneasy in me - a lot of 'what-ifs?'. What if the children don't like me, what if the mothers are crazy, what if I end up feeling like an outsider or become resentful that I wasn't his #1 like he would be mine, what if if we had children together he'd love them less or be less invested etc etc. All these negative, doubtful thoughts racing around. Everything you find on the internet about childless women in relationships with single fathers seems to be so discouraging, even asking friends or family for advice is met with little support.

However, I feel as if I've made a wrong decision by walking away and can't stop thinking about him. Does anyone have any advice or have they been in a similar situation? Thank you!

explain more about how you "amicably" broke up... what was said and how and the reasoning for?

who intitiated it and how was the reaction to the initiation of the breakup?

Right. Are you saying you walked away from the relationship because he had children who MIGHT not like you? Look, if you don't want to be involved with a man with kids, that's fine, but I don't think we can tell you if you made the right decision. This is all up to you and what you're looking for. You're certainly justified in not wanting to get involved because the guy has a lot of baggage with two kids and two different baby mamas. Your relationship will be complicated. At 33, there's not many people who would want to take that on. There are plenty of other guys your age who don't have kids. So it is ultimately what you feel comfortable with.

Everything you find on the internet about childless women in relationships with single fathers seems to be so discouraging, even asking friends or family for advice is met with little support.

I've had a couple of relationships over the years where the guys had children from a previous marriage; I got on really well with the kids, and with one scenario especially - losing contact with the little girl was a lot more upsetting than cutting off contact with her father. I think as long as you don't go wading in expecting to take over from their mother, you have a much easier time of it. I've never found it a problem.

I've never wanted kids, but I'm the eldest of a large family and therefore a very experienced big sister.

However, if you're someone who doesn't particularly relate to children, it would be doubly difficult with all the pressures you describe. It's also very important to accept that children come as part of the 'package', and if that's not part of your life plan then you'd be better off avoiding this kind of scenario before you get too deeply embroiled. Two children with two different mothers will undoubtedly cause a lot of arranging and rearranging of your time together, and they are going to be his priority. It sounds as though you would have difficulty being happy with that, and it can indeed feel as though you're being sidelined.

As regards the timing of your split, though... at three months you're still at the honeymoon stage, emotions are still really intense in this hormone-induced, rosy-tinted haze, and ending it now must be very, very painful. It's still early days, but this will pass in time. It would have been far more painful if you'd been together for longer.

At 33, you're still young and likely to find eligible men who are still child-free. You've still plenty of time to begin a relationship without all the doubts and fears.

Good luck!

explain more about how you "amicably" broke up... what was said and how and the reasoning for?

who intitiated it and how was the reaction to the initiation of the breakup?

Yes and explain more about this "intense connection" you had for three months too.

I only ask because what one person deems an intense connection, the other does not, and I learned that the hard way by experiencing it myself.

Most of the time it's nothing more than us projecting own own intense feelings on to our partner.

Meanwhile, he/she feels totally different, which I would imagine is the case here, otherwise (1) he would not have let you walk away, and (2) you would not have wanted to walk away.

It's only now that you're without him. longing for him and missing him that you're second guessing your decision claiming you had this intense connection.

Again if it were actually so intense, you'd still be there regardless of whether he had kids or not.

You made a decision, own it, be happy with it, and move on.

Yes and explain more about this "intense connection" you had for three months too.

 

I only ask because what one person deems an intense connection, the other does not, and I learned that the hard way by experiencing it myself.

 

Most of the time it's nothing more than us projecting own own intense feelings on to our partner.

 

Meanwhile, he/she feels totally different, which I would imagine is the case here, otherwise (1) he would not have let you walk away, and (2) you would not have wanted to walk away.

 

It's only now that you're without him. longing for him and missing him that you're second guessing your decision claiming you had this intense connection.

 

Again if it were actually so intense, you'd still be there regardless of whether he had kids or not.

 

You made a decision, own it, be happy with it, and move on.

I second this.

Trust your gut. Dating single parents isn’t easy. Heck I’m a single parent myself and Im wary to do it. It’s just a lot to take on and Look his track record isn’t all that great, at first glance it looks like he has a habit of knocking women up, multiple baby mamas? If I’m a single woman with no kids I don’t see myself taking that on, heck I’m a parent and I’m not so sure I’d be willing to take that on.

I would make a decision whether you are okay dating a man with kids and going forward, when you meet guys, you already know if you are open to the idea or not and can choose to accept dates from guys with kids or no kids.

(1) he would not have let you walk away,

Katrina, i am going to disagree on that one point -- if i had a kid and someone broke up with me because they could not handle the fact that I had a kid - I would let them walk. I would not chase them, because i would not be with someone who was set out to not accept my child if the relationship progressed. If that is the reason for them doubting that they wanted to move forward with me, i would not try to convince them. No matter how magical it was.

Well, some of the reasons you mention are valid, and some I wouldn't worry about. I wouldn't worry about a crazy ex if you haven't seen signs of that in 3 months. What I personally wouldn't like is that he would not be available every weekend for couple time, unless your schedule is such that that doesn't bother you. I'd also worry about finances if he's paying child support to two different mothers. There likely isn't much left to set up a household with you if the relationship lasted long enough to get to that point.

I'd also wonder about his relationship history, and the reasons it didn't work with the two mothers of his children.

After my divorce, I rejected dating someone with a 5 year old who he had every weekend and also on Wednesdays. Having a recent empty nest myself, I wanted a companion to spend a lot of time with, and this man wouldn't provide that. I eventually met my future husband, whose daughter was 13 at that time, and he had full custody. To me, that was a child old enough wherein that situation was fine with me. And as far as my relationship went with his daughter, I explained to him that whatever it ended up being would happen organically, and the only rules should be that we were respectful and pleasant to one another.

You have to make your own rules and do what's best for yourself. From the outside looking in, I think you did the right thing. Take care.

I can see why you're uneasy to be honest.

You're not only getting involved with a new man but it's an already made family with children from two different mothers. That's a lot to ask and it's not appealing in every way.

There could be drama. I mean, not only do you have to accept two children that aren't yours but there is the baby mamas too.

Don't get me wrong, the children could be great but it's not the same as dating someone with no children and possibly starting your own family.

I can understand why you're hesitant and why you changed your mind.

If your gut is telling you this isn't the right fit...trust it.

I think you did the right thing too.

 

For about 1.5 weeks now I've been split up from my ex boyfriend, amicably mind but it was more due to me and my doubts.

 

I guess something deep down felt uneasy in me - a lot of 'what-ifs?'. What if the children don't like me, what if the mothers are crazy, what if I end up feeling like an outsider or become resentful that I wasn't his #1 like he would be mine, what if if we had children together he'd love them less or be less invested etc etc. All these negative, doubtful thoughts racing around. Everything you find on the internet about childless women in relationships with single fathers seems to be so discouraging, even asking friends or family for advice is met with little support.

 

DDee, my sense is that you didn't end it because he has kids per se, but more because of your own fear and anxieties surrounding him having kids. Perhaps it's the same thing, but wondering if you were honest with him about the reason, your anxieties, fears etc.

What was the actual reason you gave him for ending it?

What changed that you didn't know when you first met him? At 33 had you thought about what it might be like to date a man who already had children?

Just some observations/experience from dating a few guys with kids...

- What if the children don't like me

They won’t. I mean... they might kinda like you and enjoy your company and all that - but they won’t LOVE you right away. It comes... but it takes time. And you’ll have to earn it by consistently being there and showing that you care. The younger they are, the faster this will happen.

- what if the mothers are crazy

They will be. I had the good fortune to date a guy whose kid’s mother was awesome, amazing, flexible, etc. but even she had a moment one time where she called freaking out because he forgot to pack a toothbrush and she wanted him to drop everything to bring it (honestly - the pharmacy is around the corner... buy the best one they have, I’ll pay for it...). We all have our moments sometimes. We’re all crazy. Lol! Some of us more than others...

- what if I end up feeling like an outsider

You will at some point. In some ways you ARE an outsider.

- or become resentful that I wasn't his #1 like he would be mine

You wouldn’t be his #1 (nor should you be). It’s about expectations and compromise.

- what if if we had children together he'd love them less or be less invested etc etc.

I haven’t had kids but in observation with friends - they don’t love them less or are any less invested, but there is a trade-off here. You get a guy who isn’t in awe and wonder or nervous - but you do get a guy who knows how to change diapers and what to do when the kid has a fever and what it takes to be a dad.

I mean... I think these are real things with anyone who has kids. But the trade-off is that you get to be part of a family, and with someone who is often grounded and realistic, and you get to love and be loved by a whole unit. Actually, I think it’s pretty awesome and special.

... but if what you want is the “standard” fairy tale of courting and falling in love and getting married and establishing a family together and you see his children as a kind of a distraction to that... yeah... it’s probably just not for you.

At your age, you can choose either path. As you get older, it’s more likely that the joined-family route is the path most available.

It all comes down to what you want and realistic expectations of each path.

One good thing he did, was not Introduce his kids to you straight away, but you should have given him and his children a chance.

I've had several short term relationships since being divorced, almost 4 years ago. I haven't got to the 4-6 month mark, where I'm willing to introduce my kids to them, but surprisingly I'm getting a lot of pressure from my kids to have a female in the house again. I know they would accept her with no issues at all.

While it seems often in western culture, single dads are overlooked often, I'm dating a foreign women ATM and the initial attraction was that I'm a full time single dad.

Well, I agree with everyone else. Whether you want to date a guy with kids or not is totally up to you. However, if you didn't initially mind that he had kids, in my opinion you did make the wrong decision only in the sense that you just made a lot of your own assumptions and walked away due to that. Like no problem if you don't want a guy with kids but you really had no idea about whether the kids wouldn't like you or the mothers are crazy. I mean, they may be or they may be perfectly fine. You'd never met any of them so how can you know what they are like at all.

I understand the insecurities regarding everything you said and they are valid. But unless you have proof that XYZ is true, you can't assume that it's true. I would say that if the ex's or kids caused no trouble in three months to you, then they might be fine. I mean yeah the kids might not love you like their Mum because they both already have a Mum but they could still LIKE you.

I think your worries that your partner wouldn't love your kids together the same are probably unfounded. He has two kids with DIFFERENT women and I presume he loves them the same?

End of the day it's up to you what you're looking for but one piece of advice I can give you is to really know within yourself what you want. If you don't want to date guys with kids, then don't date them. You've now spent three months with this guy you are crazy about and then just ended it. I think if you want to give it a go with a guy with kids, then give it a go all the way or not at all. By all the way, I mean meet the kids, meet the ex's. Meet his family and friends. Spend a substantial amount of time assessing all that and THEN make a decision. I think jist assuming things is not helpful because what if the assumptions are not true?

Sorry to hear this. You did the right thing. Even though it was only 3 mos, that is a good time to observe whatever deal breakers and red flags you felt were there. Despite amazing chemistry if there are too many doubts and incompatibilities it was wise to end it early on. trust your gut. You may miss the chemistry, but in the long run he has his one child every weekend and also another child to pay for and concern himself with.

We were only together for 3 months.

 

he had two children, aged 9 and 3 by two different mothers, the first was when he was married and the second was from a relationship after his divorce 5 years ago.

 

The 9 year old he sees every weekend and the youngest child lives about 5 hours away.