Dealing with my boyfriend's toxic coparent.

Oh I have so much to say, but to be brief and to the point, I need help figuring out what to say to my boyfriend's ex wife to establish some boundaries.

The short version of the story, she contacts me all the time, tells me all the reasons she hates him, why I should leave him, asks if his family talks poorly about her to me, if I've met her kids (I haven't yet) If I can help her fix her smart watch, asks about our relationship, his plans, what he's thinking, if the photos I post of the two of us online are to "play games" with her, posts her own inflammatory quotes or other things that she knows we can see and even uses me to get to him if he's not responding to her quickly enough. We both recently unfriended her, as it was getting out of hand, and want to be able to share photos or things with other friends and family without her blowing up. Our relationship has nothing to do with her. To clarify, no I had nothing to do with their divorce either, they were done with all of that and living separately before I even met him.

I've been very kind and empathetic, as I've been divorced as well, but how do I go about establishing some boundaries with her, while still maintaining a cordial relationship for when I meet her children? Realistically, I'd only ever like her to reach out to me about the topic of her children if it's relevant to my involvement with them, and only ever ask that I reach out to him for her if it's a true medical emergency. What is a kind, respectful way to approach that?

Why would you have been her friend on social media in the first place. If i am dating some dude and i friend his ex on social media, that speaks to my poor boundaries, not hers.

The fact that you have not met her kids, yet want to establish a channel to talk about the kids is also poor boundaries at this point and a little presumptious. Your main concern is your relationship and being okay with dating a guy with kids.

I'd only ever like her to reach out to me about the topic of her children if it's relevant to my involvement with them, and only ever ask that I reach out to him for her if it's a true medical emergency.

This is a bit controlling. You are attempting to establish control over your boyfriend and her - which is not healthy. She should not have to answer to or "go through" a woman who has not even met her kids and has no relationship with them. Nor should she EVER have to go through a woman her ex is merely dating. The communication between the two of them is up to them and if you don't like it -- you don't have to date your boyfriend. Not to be harsh, but if i were her, a red alarm would go off if a new woman swooped in and told me that i am not allowed to contact my ex in regards to my kids in the way i see fit -- you are not the court mandated go-between.

if you had been together for 8 years and now were stepmom, i can see being friends on some social media because of the kids, but when its early on and you are not to the point of meeting kids yet?

Honestly, you need to buttt out. If you don't like the dynamic between them, then find another man who does not have an ex.

It is not your job or place to school her, control her, or manage her or him.

You should only be going on dates and deciding if you want to go on the next one or not

Is there any legitimate reason for her to contact you? If the answer is no, then block her and put an end to this. I'd lose my mind if she did this to me! If you feel you need to have contact with her then you have to tell her to restrict her communication to emergencies and kid related issues. As long as you let this go on, she isnt going to stop.

Is there any legitimate reason for her to contact you? If the answer is no, then block her and put an end to this. I'd lose my mind if she did this to me! If you feel you need to have contact with her then you have to tell her to restrict her communication to emergencies and kid related issues. As long as you let this go on, she isnt going to stop.

AGREE - but my question is why is the OP even inserting herself in this?

She should not tell her "only communicate in case of an emergency" because the OP has NOTHING to do with the children. AT. ALL.

She is just a woman her ex-husband dates. YES, block her, but it seems like the OP poked the bear and brought this on.

Its not so much about the ex's behavior, but what need did the OP have to reach out to the ex and attempt to be the buffer between her boyfriend and his ex.

Why would you have been her friend on social media in the first place. If i am dating some dude and i friend his ex on social media, that speaks to my poor boundaries, not hers.

The fact that you have not met her kids, yet want to establish a channel to talk about the kids is also poor boundaries at this point and a little presumptious. Your main concern is your relationship and being okay with dating a guy with kids.

 

I'd only ever like her to reach out to me about the topic of her children if it's relevant to my involvement with them, and only ever ask that I reach out to him for her if it's a true medical emergency.

 

This is a bit controlling. You are attempting to establish control over your boyfriend and her - which is not healthy. She should not have to answer to or "go through" a woman who has not even met her kids and has no relationship with them. Nor should she EVER have to go through a woman her ex is merely dating. The communication between the two of them is up to them and if you don't like it -- you don't have to date your boyfriend. Not to be harsh, but if i were her, a red alarm would go off if a new woman swooped in and told me that i am not allowed to contact my ex in regards to my kids in the way i see fit -- you are not the court mandated go-between.

 

if you had been together for 8 years and now were stepmom, i can see being friends on some social media because of the kids, but when its early on and you are not to the point of meeting kids yet?

 

Honestly, you need to buttt out. If you don't like the dynamic between them, then find another man who does not have an ex.

It is not your job or place to school her, control her, or manage her or him.

You should only be going on dates and deciding if you want to go on the next one or not

She sent me a request, and had questions for me, as someone who would potentially meet her children, which I understood, and respected. It spiraled from there.

I'm not sure why wanting to keep our relationship (her and I) to what it's about is controlling? I'm not trying to have her go through me at all. I'm asking that she back off a bit, and only reach out to me to get to him, if it's an emergency. I'm saying DON'T go through me to get to him, not ONLY go through me to get to him. It's a strange dynamic to ask me to be their coparenting middle man, because he didn't get back to her immediately. I don't thinks she should go to me, or answer to me either, it's entirely what I'm trying to avoid, like, please only come to me if it's really important, not about nonsense or putting me in the middle. I never said I don't like the communication between them, that I don't like her communication with ME.

Not to be harsh, but if i were her, a red alarm would go off if a new woman swooped in and told me that i am not allowed to contact my ex in regards to my kids in the way i see fit -- you are not the court mandated go-between.

I'm not sure how this was read as the complete opposite of how I intended, and I'm sorry, but if you have any advice on how I politely ask her to back off of ME that would be greatly appreciated - thank you!

AGREE - but my question is why is the OP even inserting herself in this?

She should not tell her "only communicate in case of an emergency" because the OP has NOTHING to do with the children. AT. ALL.

She is just a woman her ex-husband dates. YES, block her, but it seems like the OP poked the bear and brought this on.

 

Its not so much about the ex's behavior, but what need did the OP have to reach out to the ex and attempt to be the buffer between her boyfriend and his ex.

Yes, I accepted the original friend request and it spiraled from there. I was trying to be kind and respectful not realizing what I was bringing on. I don't want to be the buffer at all, she put me in the middle

How long have you been dating? Your bf needs to step up and deal with her. He should not be dumping her on you like this. She shouldn't even have your contact info.

You need to block and delete her from all your social media and messaging apps..This is a problem between you and your bf. You are collateral damage in their contentious divorce and your bf should not be sitting their with his thumbs up his butt while you take the heat.

she contacts me all the time, tells me all the reasons she hates him, why I should leave him, asks if his family talks poorly about her to me, if I've met her kids (I haven't yet). I had nothing to do with their divorce either, they were done with all of that and living separately before I even met him.

She sent me a request, and had questions for me, as someone who would potentially meet her children, which I understood, and respected. It spiraled from there.

 

I'm not sure why wanting to keep our relationship (her and I) to what it's about is controlling? I'm not trying to have her go through me at all. I'm asking that she back off a bit, and only reach out to me to get to him, if it's an emergency. I'm saying DON'T go through me to get to him, not ONLY go through me to get to him. It's a strange dynamic to ask me to be their coparenting middle man, because he didn't get back to her immediately. I don't thinks she should go to me, or answer to me either, it's entirely what I'm trying to avoid, like, please only come to me if it's really important, not about nonsense or putting me in the middle. I never said I don't like the communication between them, that I don't like her communication with ME.

 

Not to be harsh, but if i were her, a red alarm would go off if a new woman swooped in and told me that i am not allowed to contact my ex in regards to my kids in the way i see fit -- you are not the court mandated go-between.

 

I'm not sure how this was read as the complete opposite of how I intended, and I'm sorry, but if you have any advice on how I politely ask her to back off of ME that would be greatly appreciated - thank you!

She should not even know your name at that point, and any questions about you should be going through her ex.

It is up to him to decide to introduce the two of you as someone who will be meeting her children. Or not.

It should not be through the women. You don't know if you will get to the six month mark or the year mark - whatever time its appropriate to meet them.

Does your bf know that the two of you are talkig?

I think that you should have had firmer boundaries - not accepted her fried request - TOLD your bf "hey, your ex is trying to friend me" etc.

And now that the horse is out of the barn you should be telling him what she says and blocking her - and letting him deal with her/go to bat for you

and only ever ask that I reach out to him for her if it's a true medical emergency.

This is what i am meaning -- wanting to tell him under what circumstances you will be a go between. You should not be suggesting this role for yourself, at all.

How to deal otherwise? Block her and decide if you really want to date a man that comes attached to an ex who is already doing this at this early stage of the relationship

She clearly is not over this man. That being said, you should stay out of the picture for now. It will only cause further drama and it won't help the situation at all.

Your bf should only contact her when dealing with the child and even then, keep the questions and answers ONLY about the child.

You can get lawyers involved if she keeps pushing it. She has no right to know about his life other than where it concerns the child, that includes knowing you at all.

Not trying to be harsh but this is their child, it's not your place to be a part of the situation.

How long have you been dating? Your bf needs to step up and deal with her. He should not be dumping her on you like this. She shouldn't even have your contact info.

 

You need to block and delete her from all your social media and messaging apps..This is a problem between you and your bf. You are collateral damage in their contentious divorce and your bf should not be sitting their with his thumbs up his butt while you take the heat.

Yes to all of this!! ^^

I'd ask you the same question: how long have you been dating?

You should simply block and delete her from everything.

She will be one of those who will insert herself into your lives for the rest of your relationship. You could be together for the next 50 years, and she will still be there, still texting, messaging, whatever.

Put an end to it now. Block her number, block her access from all apps, emails, etc.

Any emergencies regarding her children can go through to her ex-husband.

She should never have to message you regarding the children, ever. Especially since you haven't even met them!

Edited to Add: This is the same guy you posted about in Oct? You were seeing each other for 5 months then, so it's 7 months now?

This is way too soon to have this much involvement with his ex, all this drama.

In my opinion, in general, everybody is responsible for their own “people”.

If you have a problem with your Bf’s parents, it’s your Bf’s problem. HE needs to step in and talk to his parents.

If your Bf has a problem with your best friend, it’s your problem. YOU need to step in and talk to your friend.

In a perfect world everyone will always get along - and certainly little things can be handled on your own - but any potentially relationship-altering issues should be addressed to your own “people”

His ex is his “people”.

I wouldn’t say anything to her, personally - or block her - or do anything that can potentially offend her - it’s your bf’s problem to manage. He needs to have a talk with his ex about how much contact with you is appropriate (and not blame it on you)

ok.. let's get one thing straight... nobody "puts you" in any situation unless you LET THEM.

yes you were trying to do the "adult thing" and accept and all that jazz.. but it didn't pan out (not your fault). Now you can reverse that and cut it off

As for meeting her kids, it's not your obligation to get along and be buddy buddy with her or her kids. But it doens't mean you can't just be an normal adult and be cordial and pleasant when you meet them (just like the many strangers that meet at holiday parties that are new invitees). You dodn't need to do anything before meeting them, to make the actual meeting successful.

So.. OWN THIS. Take back control. If it's noto working for you and not ADDING to your life - cut it loose and let her go. Ignore her, always be "busy" or "got to go" or "i was just...." to get out of it and soon enough she'll get the clue. If not (quite possible) just stop responding altogether. If somebody doesn't get the clue after multiple attempts to give them the clue or telling them outright - that's on them, NOT you.

You tried. Whcih was a big thing to do.

It didn't work. She's being inappropriate.

Cut it loose.

How long have you been dating? Your bf needs to step up and deal with her. He should not be dumping her on you like this. She shouldn't even have your contact info.

 

You need to block and delete her from all your social media and messaging apps..This is a problem between you and your bf. You are collateral damage in their contentious divorce and your bf should not be sitting their with his thumbs up his butt while you take the heat.

We have been dating for 7 months

She should not even know your name at that point, and any questions about you should be going through her ex.

It is up to him to decide to introduce the two of you as someone who will be meeting her children. Or not.

It should not be through the women. You don't know if you will get to the six month mark or the year mark - whatever time its appropriate to meet them.

Does your bf know that the two of you are talkig?

 

I think that you should have had firmer boundaries - not accepted her fried request - TOLD your bf "hey, your ex is trying to friend me" etc.

And now that the horse is out of the barn you should be telling him what she says and blocking her - and letting him deal with her/go to bat for you

 

 

 

and only ever ask that I reach out to him for her if it's a true medical emergency.

 

This is what i am meaning -- wanting to tell him under what circumstances you will be a go between. You should not be suggesting this role for yourself, at all.

 

How to deal otherwise? Block her and decide if you really want to date a man that comes attached to an ex who is already doing this at this early stage of the relationship

I can see how you think I'm suggesting a role for myself. I mean that in an empathetic "of course I would help" in that instance and it's the only time I can see where it could be appropriate because it's about the kids. Not that I think I should be a go between, but if something is legitimately not okay and she can't get a hold of him, that I would try to help. That's all.

She clearly is not over this man. That being said, you should stay out of the picture for now. It will only cause further drama and it won't help the situation at all.

 

Your bf should only contact her when dealing with the child and even then, keep the questions and answers ONLY about the child.

 

You can get lawyers involved if she keeps pushing it. She has no right to know about his life other than where it concerns the child, that includes knowing you at all.

 

Not trying to be harsh but this is their child, it's not your place to be a part of the situation.

It's not harsh, I'm not asking to be in the middle, she's using me to get to him by saying things like "Can you please call your boyfriend and let him know he needs to call me back. It's regarding our daughter."

I’d block her from all social media, and tell your boyfriend you don’t want to be stuck in the middle of this anymore.

It really should be only your bf dealing with her, not you.

You’ve tried to help, but it sounds like she’s taking advantage.

I’d step away, and let your bf handle everything involving her from this point forward.

Yes to all of this!! ^^

 

I'd ask you the same question: how long have you been dating?

 

You should simply block and delete her from everything.

 

She will be one of those who will insert herself into your lives for the rest of your relationship. You could be together for the next 50 years, and she will still be there, still texting, messaging, whatever.

 

Put an end to it now. Block her number, block her access from all apps, emails, etc.

 

Any emergencies regarding her children can go through to her ex-husband.

 

She should never have to message you regarding the children, ever. Especially since you haven't even met them!

 

Edited to Add: This is the same guy you posted about in Oct? You were seeing each other for 5 months then, so it's 7 months now?

 

This is way too soon to have this much involvement with his ex, all this drama.

Yes, it's a lot of drama with her everyday. I don't really understand why, or why she's pulling me into it. I know I will have to know her, be respectful and kind for meeting the kids, but she is just too much. I need a respectful way to assert my boundaries with her, where she doesn't go off the deep end and go nuts about me meeting them at all. She added me because we all know it's coming and she wanted to ask me questions, which I was fine answering. I have nothing to hide and she's a concerned momma. It's all the rest that's not okay & too much. She wants to sit me down for an "interview" in person before allowing my boyfriend to let me meet them. It's a lot of control.

Fortunately, the days of owning people are over. Unfortunately, that means the ex is going to do whatever the ex pleases regardless of whether your boyfriend gives her a stern talking to as though he's got any authority over her. And given she seems to be the custodial parent, it's probably best he not rock the boat when not receiving texts or messages from her is as simple as blocking her number should she persist in pushing or full-on invading boundaries. If you don't want to play into her territorial antics, then the answer is simple, even if you don't consider it easy. At only half a year in, you're putting the cart about a mile ahead of the horse worrying about how to deal with her in tandem with his children.

Fortunately, the days of owning people are over. Unfortunately, that means the ex is going to do whatever the ex pleases regardless of whether your boyfriend gives her a stern talking to as though he's got any authority over her. And given she seems to be the custodial parent, it's probably best he not rock the boat when not receiving texts or messages from her is as simple as blocking her number should she persist in pushing or full-on invading boundaries. If you don't want to play into her territorial antics, then the answer is simple, even if you don't consider it easy. At only half a year in, you're putting the cart about a mile ahead of the horse worrying about how to deal with her in tandem with his children.

Well, these conversations are happening now. She's talking to me everyday, now. I'm not asking to meet their kids tomorrow, just that we find a way to come to stronger boundaries in the meantime that isn't too rude or off putting. Whether that's him talking to her, or myself. I would help if they needed me, and I don't want to make that seem untrue by cutting her off entirely, but her talking to me everyday around him is not okay. His plan was to have me meet them in the early to mid part of 2019, but that may shift it's not set in stone. I'm not trying to drive this bus, just deal with the ride in the smoothest way I can.

Well, these conversations are happening now. She's talking to me everyday, now.

You don't need a relationship with her even should you get to the point of being involved in his children's lives. It would be on him to appropriately facilitate the dynamic between you and they, not her.

You can't please everyone. If she's going to be upset because you tell her you no longer want to serve as an intermediary, that's what's going to happen.

Even if we were to give credit to your passivity for whatever reason, why on earth you think folks who have never so much as heard this woman fart would be better guides than yourself in amicably navigating this dynamic with her is well beyond me. You're the one having daily conversations with her. Figure it out.

Of course they are and of course she is. She's successfully interjected full time into what should be a private relationship between you and your boyfriend because you'd rather whine than take responsibility for asserting your own boundaries.

 

You don't need a relationship with her even should you get to the point of being involved in his children's lives. It would be on him to appropriately facilitate the dynamic between you and they, not her.

 

You can't please everyone. If she's going to be upset because you tell her you no longer want to serve as an intermediary, that's what's going to happen.

 

Even if we were to give credit to your passivity for whatever reason, why on earth you think folks who have never so much as heard this woman fart would be better guides than yourself in amicably navigating this dynamic with her is well beyond me. You're the one having daily conversations with her. Figure it out.

Literally looking to assert boundaries, just some advice on how to approach it language wise. I didn’t come here to whine, just explain the situation enough to facilitate that advice and have answered questions along the way.

she's using me to get to him by saying things like "Can you please call your boyfriend and let him know he needs to call me back. It's regarding our daughter."

 

I mean I get wanting to get along with the mom of the kids... at the end of the day it does make things easier... this is over the top though!

 

I don't know if you mentioned it but what does your BF think of all of this interaction between you and his ex?

Well, you don't want to be rude, but you have to hold your ground. When she calls, you say, you're busy right now and she should call her ex. Whatever issue she calls about, you say "you need to talk to X about that." And you have to do it that way. "I really can't talk to you right now, call X."

You're not being rude. You're handling her phone calls like a secretary. Don't engage with her. Don't be her buddy. She is trying to poison your mind against your boyfriend as a way of getting back at him and trying to break you up. She is not trying to be cordial. Just take a message or tell her you're too busy to talk and hang up. If you don't play her mind game, she will eventually give up.

I mean I get wanting to get along with the mom of the kids... at the end of the day it does make things easier... this is over the top though!

 

I don't know if you mentioned it but what does your BF think of all of this interaction between you and his ex?

He thinks she has no boundaries. He only wants everything to be cordial with her so he appreciates me wanting to be respectful of her. She’s taking advantage of that quality in both of us though and I am aware it needs to change.

You all know it's coming?

You all know WHAT is coming? Has there been marriage talk already?

How long have they been legally divorced? And did you only start dating him after the divorce was final, or was it still in progress? Is it final now?