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Thread: Dealing with my boyfriend's toxic coparent.

  1. #1
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    Dealing with my boyfriend's toxic coparent.

    Oh I have so much to say, but to be brief and to the point, I need help figuring out what to say to my boyfriend's ex wife to establish some boundaries.

    The short version of the story, she contacts me all the time, tells me all the reasons she hates him, why I should leave him, asks if his family talks poorly about her to me, if I've met her kids (I haven't yet) If I can help her fix her smart watch, asks about our relationship, his plans, what he's thinking, if the photos I post of the two of us online are to "play games" with her, posts her own inflammatory quotes or other things that she knows we can see and even uses me to get to him if he's not responding to her quickly enough. We both recently unfriended her, as it was getting out of hand, and want to be able to share photos or things with other friends and family without her blowing up. Our relationship has nothing to do with her. To clarify, no I had nothing to do with their divorce either, they were done with all of that and living separately before I even met him.

    I've been very kind and empathetic, as I've been divorced as well, but how do I go about establishing some boundaries with her, while still maintaining a cordial relationship for when I meet her children? Realistically, I'd only ever like her to reach out to me about the topic of her children if it's relevant to my involvement with them, and only ever ask that I reach out to him for her if it's a true medical emergency. What is a kind, respectful way to approach that?

  2. #2
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    Why would you have been her friend on social media in the first place. If i am dating some dude and i friend his ex on social media, that speaks to my poor boundaries, not hers.
    The fact that you have not met her kids, yet want to establish a channel to talk about the kids is also poor boundaries at this point and a little presumptious. Your main concern is your relationship and being okay with dating a guy with kids.

    I'd only ever like her to reach out to me about the topic of her children if it's relevant to my involvement with them, and only ever ask that I reach out to him for her if it's a true medical emergency.

    This is a bit controlling. You are attempting to establish control over your boyfriend and her - which is not healthy. She should not have to answer to or "go through" a woman who has not even met her kids and has no relationship with them. Nor should she EVER have to go through a woman her ex is merely dating. The communication between the two of them is up to them and if you don't like it -- you don't have to date your boyfriend. Not to be harsh, but if i were her, a red alarm would go off if a new woman swooped in and told me that i am not allowed to contact my ex in regards to my kids in the way i see fit -- you are not the court mandated go-between.

    if you had been together for 8 years and now were stepmom, i can see being friends on some social media because of the kids, but when its early on and you are not to the point of meeting kids yet?

    Honestly, you need to buttt out. If you don't like the dynamic between them, then find another man who does not have an ex.
    It is not your job or place to school her, control her, or manage her or him.
    You should only be going on dates and deciding if you want to go on the next one or not

  3. #3
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    Is there any legitimate reason for her to contact you? If the answer is no, then block her and put an end to this. I'd lose my mind if she did this to me! If you feel you need to have contact with her then you have to tell her to restrict her communication to emergencies and kid related issues. As long as you let this go on, she isnt going to stop.

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    Originally Posted by melancholy123
    Is there any legitimate reason for her to contact you? If the answer is no, then block her and put an end to this. I'd lose my mind if she did this to me! If you feel you need to have contact with her then you have to tell her to restrict her communication to emergencies and kid related issues. As long as you let this go on, she isnt going to stop.
    AGREE - but my question is why is the OP even inserting herself in this?
    She should not tell her "only communicate in case of an emergency" because the OP has NOTHING to do with the children. AT. ALL.
    She is just a woman her ex-husband dates. YES, block her, but it seems like the OP poked the bear and brought this on.

    Its not so much about the ex's behavior, but what need did the OP have to reach out to the ex and attempt to be the buffer between her boyfriend and his ex.

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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    Why would you have been her friend on social media in the first place. If i am dating some dude and i friend his ex on social media, that speaks to my poor boundaries, not hers.
    The fact that you have not met her kids, yet want to establish a channel to talk about the kids is also poor boundaries at this point and a little presumptious. Your main concern is your relationship and being okay with dating a guy with kids.

    I'd only ever like her to reach out to me about the topic of her children if it's relevant to my involvement with them, and only ever ask that I reach out to him for her if it's a true medical emergency.

    This is a bit controlling. You are attempting to establish control over your boyfriend and her - which is not healthy. She should not have to answer to or "go through" a woman who has not even met her kids and has no relationship with them. Nor should she EVER have to go through a woman her ex is merely dating. The communication between the two of them is up to them and if you don't like it -- you don't have to date your boyfriend. Not to be harsh, but if i were her, a red alarm would go off if a new woman swooped in and told me that i am not allowed to contact my ex in regards to my kids in the way i see fit -- you are not the court mandated go-between.

    if you had been together for 8 years and now were stepmom, i can see being friends on some social media because of the kids, but when its early on and you are not to the point of meeting kids yet?

    Honestly, you need to buttt out. If you don't like the dynamic between them, then find another man who does not have an ex.
    It is not your job or place to school her, control her, or manage her or him.
    You should only be going on dates and deciding if you want to go on the next one or not
    She sent me a request, and had questions for me, as someone who would potentially meet her children, which I understood, and respected. It spiraled from there.

    I'm not sure why wanting to keep our relationship (her and I) to what it's about is controlling? I'm not trying to have her go through me at all. I'm asking that she back off a bit, and only reach out to me to get to him, if it's an emergency. I'm saying DON'T go through me to get to him, not ONLY go through me to get to him. It's a strange dynamic to ask me to be their coparenting middle man, because he didn't get back to her immediately. I don't thinks she should go to me, or answer to me either, it's entirely what I'm trying to avoid, like, please only come to me if it's really important, not about nonsense or putting me in the middle. I never said I don't like the communication between them, that I don't like her communication with ME.

    Not to be harsh, but if i were her, a red alarm would go off if a new woman swooped in and told me that i am not allowed to contact my ex in regards to my kids in the way i see fit -- you are not the court mandated go-between. <- not what I'm asking for help with at all. They talk all day everyday. I'm asking for the opposite to please not put me in the middle. I don't want to be a go between unless it's important. I don't think it's appropriate at all for me to get ahold of him for her, to be her tech support, or give her updates on what he is thinking. SHE started this dynamic and I'm not trying to school her.

    I'm not sure how this was read as the complete opposite of how I intended, and I'm sorry, but if you have any advice on how I politely ask her to back off of ME that would be greatly appreciated - thank you!

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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    AGREE - but my question is why is the OP even inserting herself in this?
    She should not tell her "only communicate in case of an emergency" because the OP has NOTHING to do with the children. AT. ALL.
    She is just a woman her ex-husband dates. YES, block her, but it seems like the OP poked the bear and brought this on.

    Its not so much about the ex's behavior, but what need did the OP have to reach out to the ex and attempt to be the buffer between her boyfriend and his ex.
    Yes, I accepted the original friend request and it spiraled from there. I was trying to be kind and respectful not realizing what I was bringing on. I don't want to be the buffer at all, she put me in the middle

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    How long have you been dating? Your bf needs to step up and deal with her. He should not be dumping her on you like this. She shouldn't even have your contact info.

    You need to block and delete her from all your social media and messaging apps..This is a problem between you and your bf. You are collateral damage in their contentious divorce and your bf should not be sitting their with his thumbs up his butt while you take the heat.
    Originally Posted by kas88
    she contacts me all the time, tells me all the reasons she hates him, why I should leave him, asks if his family talks poorly about her to me, if I've met her kids (I haven't yet). I had nothing to do with their divorce either, they were done with all of that and living separately before I even met him.
    Last edited by Wiseman2; 12-05-2018 at 03:43 PM.

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    Originally Posted by kas88
    She sent me a request, and had questions for me, as someone who would potentially meet her children, which I understood, and respected. It spiraled from there.

    I'm not sure why wanting to keep our relationship (her and I) to what it's about is controlling? I'm not trying to have her go through me at all. I'm asking that she back off a bit, and only reach out to me to get to him, if it's an emergency. I'm saying DON'T go through me to get to him, not ONLY go through me to get to him. It's a strange dynamic to ask me to be their coparenting middle man, because he didn't get back to her immediately. I don't thinks she should go to me, or answer to me either, it's entirely what I'm trying to avoid, like, please only come to me if it's really important, not about nonsense or putting me in the middle. I never said I don't like the communication between them, that I don't like her communication with ME.

    Not to be harsh, but if i were her, a red alarm would go off if a new woman swooped in and told me that i am not allowed to contact my ex in regards to my kids in the way i see fit -- you are not the court mandated go-between. <- not what I'm asking for help with at all. They talk all day everyday. I'm asking for the opposite to please not put me in the middle. I don't want to be a go between unless it's important. I don't think it's appropriate at all for me to get ahold of him for her, to be her tech support, or give her updates on what he is thinking. SHE started this dynamic and I'm not trying to school her.

    I'm not sure how this was read as the complete opposite of how I intended, and I'm sorry, but if you have any advice on how I politely ask her to back off of ME that would be greatly appreciated - thank you!
    She should not even know your name at that point, and any questions about you should be going through her ex.
    It is up to him to decide to introduce the two of you as someone who will be meeting her children. Or not.
    It should not be through the women. You don't know if you will get to the six month mark or the year mark - whatever time its appropriate to meet them.
    Does your bf know that the two of you are talkig?

    I think that you should have had firmer boundaries - not accepted her fried request - TOLD your bf "hey, your ex is trying to friend me" etc.
    And now that the horse is out of the barn you should be telling him what she says and blocking her - and letting him deal with her/go to bat for you




    and only ever ask that I reach out to him for her if it's a true medical emergency.


    This is what i am meaning -- wanting to tell him under what circumstances you will be a go between. You should not be suggesting this role for yourself, at all.

    How to deal otherwise? Block her and decide if you really want to date a man that comes attached to an ex who is already doing this at this early stage of the relationship

  10. #9
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    She clearly is not over this man. That being said, you should stay out of the picture for now. It will only cause further drama and it won't help the situation at all.

    Your bf should only contact her when dealing with the child and even then, keep the questions and answers ONLY about the child.

    You can get lawyers involved if she keeps pushing it. She has no right to know about his life other than where it concerns the child, that includes knowing you at all.

    Not trying to be harsh but this is their child, it's not your place to be a part of the situation.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    How long have you been dating? Your bf needs to step up and deal with her. He should not be dumping her on you like this. She shouldn't even have your contact info.

    You need to block and delete her from all your social media and messaging apps..This is a problem between you and your bf. You are collateral damage in their contentious divorce and your bf should not be sitting their with his thumbs up his butt while you take the heat.
    Yes to all of this!! ^^

    I'd ask you the same question: how long have you been dating?

    You should simply block and delete her from everything.

    She will be one of those who will insert herself into your lives for the rest of your relationship. You could be together for the next 50 years, and she will still be there, still texting, messaging, whatever.

    Put an end to it now. Block her number, block her access from all apps, emails, etc.

    Any emergencies regarding her children can go through to her ex-husband.

    She should never have to message you regarding the children, ever. Especially since you haven't even met them!

    Edited to Add: This is the same guy you posted about in Oct? You were seeing each other for 5 months then, so it's 7 months now?

    This is way too soon to have this much involvement with his ex, all this drama.

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