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Thread: How have you evolved since your BU and what have you attempted to change?

  1. #1
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    How have you evolved since your BU and what have you attempted to change?

    Hello everyone,

    1st time poster but long time lurker. Recently I decided to make an account to interact a bit more with the community.

    It has been a bit more than 2 months since my boyfriend o 2 years left me; he has done so on the 27th of September and my life has been hell since. I was shocked of course but managed not to beg or plead, though I wanted to badly. I accepted his wish, I could do so "calmly" as he only sent me a text one morning, while I was at work. It was out of the blue, he never said anything about being unhappy or anything of the like with our relationship so I took it very badly. I thought we had a great partnership; based on love and loyalty. I really do love this man, but I suppose it might have been one sided. His reason was that he is no longer in love with me, does not feel as he should be but he does not really know. That he is "empty" and doesn't feel it is fair to me, since he knows how much I care about him.

    Since we have met once around the 17th of October to exchange items, and I cried a bit but made sure he knew I did not want him to feel bad about it.

    In order to respect his wish to break up, I have not contacted him (except for the one time a week after the 17th to say my goodbye and he returned the message equally politely) and kept my distance. I tried to keep busy since to avoid temptation.

    This is what I am doing at the moment, to keep busy:

    - After laying in bed for a whole month I finally got up and started going to my Masters' classes in College,
    - I am doing my drivers' license since November,
    - I made an appointment at a therapists', since my mental health has suffered a great blow and I also wanted to improve as a person,
    - I have sent several job applications to hopefully get an interview soon,
    - Decreased bad food and went to the gym. I am struggling a bit with this since I have social anxiety and I suspect I might have become depressed since the BU
    - I applied for several extra-curricular courses in my spare time to fill the gaps in December, so I am busy at all times, as much as possible.
    - I am saving to buy and finally learn how to play guitar.

    I am struggling a lot though and would love some input from you guys:What have you changed about yourself/ improved since your BU? If you don't mind also adding time stamps if you remember? Is there anything you attempted to change but has either failed or is still in progress?

    I would love to get some new ideas or something to add to my to-do list. If you would like, posting later also the progress of your attempts, so we all can help and encourage each other or give advice.

    Thank you and have a nice day everyone

  2. #2
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    A little over 3 months post break up here of nearly 4 years. What I improved is my diet and fitness. While I regularly worked out and was healthy during my relationship, it has been very easy for me to limit my junk food intake without another person brining this food in my apartment. I took on more of a bodybuilding fitness routine one month post BU, and now have noticebly more defined abs and arms so far, as well as a great improvement in my indoor bouldering/rock climbing skills that even my friends have noticed. I also improved my style with new clothes (during black friday) and learned how to curl my hair into beachy waves. However, they fail to hold for long so I will be trying to find a good hair spray that doesn't make my hair crunchy.

    On the work in progress side, I picked up old hobbies I used to enjoy before like art (pastels - 2 weeks ago) and niche reading material (manga - 1 month post BU), then there's meeting new people to hangout with (within 1 month post BU) and visiting new places with friends/family (~2 months post BU).

    I'm glad you've made so many positive changes soon after your break, keep up the great work!

  3. #3
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    Originally Posted by yatsue
    A little over 3 months post break up here of nearly 4 years. What I improved is my diet and fitness. While I regularly worked out and was healthy during my relationship, it has been very easy for me to limit my junk food intake without another person brining this food in my apartment. I took on more of a bodybuilding fitness routine one month post BU, and now have noticebly more defined abs and arms so far, as well as a great improvement in my indoor bouldering/rock climbing skills that even my friends have noticed. I also improved my style with new clothes (during black friday) and learned how to curl my hair into beachy waves. However, they fail to hold for long so I will be trying to find a good hair spray that doesn't make my hair crunchy.

    On the work in progress side, I picked up old hobbies I used to enjoy before like art (pastels - 2 weeks ago) and niche reading material (manga - 1 month post BU), then there's meeting new people to hangout with (within 1 month post BU) and visiting new places with friends/family (~2 months post BU).

    I'm glad you've made so many positive changes soon after your break, keep up the great work!
    Amazing! That sounds like you did a great deal since the BU Yatsue. I hope my gym rutine will soon bear the first fruits as well.
    May I suggest sleeping in braids after you wash your hair? It has helped mine greatly when I want them to stay curled. I also have very long hair and it is heavy, yet it still holds the curl well. Maybe try some mousse that does not dry crunchy?

    I love manga too; which ones do you like to read? Currently I am re-reading some nice old fashioned Dragon Ball, maybe I will go into some Shigurui soon.
    Pastels are great yeah, love those too. I also use Acrylics when I want my colours to remain extra vibrant :)

    How have you been feeling whilst meeting new people? I found it makes me anxious and I feel weird, since I am starting a life he knows nothing about, sometimes it makes me feel lonely. I have been taking myself out though, to concerts and dinners, feels good to pamper myself a bit :)

    Thank you! You have done so much since your BU too, keeping my fingers crossed for you to remain as successful.

  4. #4
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    3 months post break up here.

    1 week after: Bought my first dog.
    2nd week: Bought electric drums and stared to learn my first instrument
    1 month: Started a new sport, Muay Thai
    1-2months: Started to slowly change my wardrobe
    1-2months: started to look for possible investments (saved a lot for our wedding and future)
    覧覧覧覧覧覧覧
    Mentioned above were changes that helped me focus my energy/thoughts away from my ex. But real change and improvements happen from within. With no time stamps, here are the changes and improvements i conciously made.

    1. Spend more time with family and friends.
    2. Spent more time with my religion/meditation
    3. Started focus on the small/simple joys of life.
    4. Accepted that I am not the center of the universe. Life was never fair to begin with.
    5. Startwd to understand that real happiness is not obtained through external achievements (relationships, money, physique, dogs etc.)
    6. Became more open to people and build connection (deep or shallow)
    7. Learned to forgive myself and others.
    8. Respecting the importance of sleep, diet and exercise.
    9. Practiced self control (stopped social media stalking 2+ weeks now :) )
    10. Learned that I am the only one who can truly push me to move on. Time alone does not heal but what you do with it.

    And a whole lot more.

    Starting to forget about her and the feeling of pain. Feels wierd and kind of sad/empty.

    Good luck to all. I know it痴 hard but with effort, we will see brighter days. :)

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  6. #5
    Silver Member Jellybean9's Avatar
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    Sounds like you are doing really great. Good you are back at your masters. No man is worth getting in the way of your degree!

    The driving and job stuff again all really great. You should be really proud of yourself.

    One of my friends post break up. Lost her job and was stuck at home getting more and more depressed. So getting out that cycle and getting back out there is something to be very proud of. My friend regrets how she dealt with her break up.

    Also the therapy is a lovely thing too. That friend I mentioned got into therapy and pulled herself out of that state. Always good to look after your mental health.

    After my worst breakup. I started going out with friends a lot more. Felt free as my ex hated me being out!

    I know it's cliche but I got my hair cut to a when new style. Felt like a new girl. My best friend dragged me to a photo shoot too. I felt beautiful after. Which is something you need to remind d yourself is that you are beautiful after a breakup.

    My break-up food is celery and yogurt so I was fortunate with that. But also tried eating better portions of real food.

    Falling asleep was a massive issue for me at first. I would have a hot bath with lavender before bed. That helped. As I began to move on I began to sleep better.

    Also talking to friends and family helps. Not even about the breakup. Just about other things and having jokes and being positive.

    The best thing for healing was getting rid of all his stuff. That's something good for you to do when you are ready. Surprisly really helped.

    Good luck and you seem to be on track!

  7. #6
    Silver Member Jellybean9's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Nachocheese

    1 week after: Bought my first dog.
    Next break up I face - I think this will be all I need to get me through :)

  8. #7
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    Right after my long term relationship ended I joined a church and got back into my Faith. My ex is an Aethiest and constantly challenged my beliefs. Whenever I mentioned going to church he got mad. In hindsight I just should have went alone anyway.

    Oh and I dropped 50 pounds after the breakup. I have much more to lose! It was just good to lose the first fifty.

  9. #8
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    Great Thread idea OP. Fantastic to see you're making the most of this time to focus on so many attributes that will develop you as a person. You'll be all the better for it.

    I'm a mere 17 days post break up & NC of what was 8 month relationship. Things I've tried to focus on - saying YES to more things and be open to new opportunities in whatever form that takes.

    1) Started meditating every morning - have found this sense of mindfulness has really helped keep negative thoughts at bay.

    2) Started training for another marathon / HIIT work outs.

    3) Logged out of my social media - which has really made me question my need for it.

    4) Booked to see a Reiki Healer (on the recommendation of family) - I'm a complete sceptic but I promised myself I'd go in with an open mind (as item 1)

    5) Spent more time and importantly made more effort to see friends - some of which are going through life changing events that put my BU into perspective.

    6) Volunteering in a local National Park - giving back is rewarding. This I keep to myself.

    7) Going to sport events alone and meeting like minded people. Yes, it's not ideal but it got me out of the house and allowed me follow the sport I enjoy.

    8) Reading more / audio books / podcasts - continuing to improve / learn when on commuting to my job. Russel Brand's "Recover" was of real interest.

    9) Accepting the fact that I can't worry about things outside of my control. Not just my ex and her situation, but anything - be that the political climate, a work problem, a poor sporting result. Focusing on me and what I can manage is key to my long term improvement.

    10) In the process of signing up to a MasterClass in creative writing / economic understanding. Varied I know.

    Keep up the good work, it's amazing what options you have available when you actively look to better yourself. You've done so much already and i'm sure there is plenty more to come. Best of Luck!

  10. #9
    Bronze Member thisisrichey's Avatar
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    oh gawd yeah... every single time! This is why i'm so accomplished and have achieved so much in life ---- TONS of breakups :)

    Typically, and sadly, I tend to start doing things I've been meaning or curious to do but via the dynamics of the relationsihp was not able to. This could be altering my appearance (piercings, hair coloring, clothing, etc.) activities or hobbies (travel, etc.) whatever. When there are no longer any restrictions or anything holding you back from doing whatever you want whenever and how - it's natural to go after that once you're single.

    It's too bad relationships limit us individually or many couples manage it that way.

  11. #10
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    Two year relationship ended back in August.
    I became Unemployed which really didn稚 help matters. Cabin fever set in. Became depressed. Struggle with daily routines and getting out of bed. I was in a rut for around two weeks. Had insomnia and couldn稚 sleep which affected me more. Then I just started taking little steps. Just realising enough was enough. Finding things to keep my mind occupied was the most important thing. Even mundane task. Just writing them down and crossing them out.
    Took a big leaped and jumped into something totally new

    What have I been doing? ;

    5 weeks after breakup - Started CrossFit, fitness/strength improving all the time. 6 weeks in. After my first session I could barely walk for two days. Now seeing a difference makes me feel better. Feel healthier. My sleep is returning to normal.
    So like anything hard work, determination and you will get there

    December- Have started hot yoga, only two sessions in but love it. So taxing on the body but not only do you sweat out all the toxic waste in your body, it痴 also very mindful and can put you in a good place Mentally.

    Have obtained my dream job ( although I don稚 start until March ) so I知 happy doing any work currently as I know it isn稚 forever. Being out of work really didn稚 help my mental state as all I had to focus on was my breakup and my ex.

    Novemver - I do voluntary work. Help out with my local wildlife trust, a wood recycling project who make furniture from the wood and do some work for charity.

    Reconnect with old friends, and slowly starting to make some new friends from CrossFit. Boy being 31 and making new friends isn稚 the easiest to do.

    Have been trying to fill my weekends with fun things, comic cons, motorcycle festivals etc

    Have cut alcohol out my diet completely. Gone totally clean on my food too ( I do have a cheat meal once a week or so ) just thought what痴 the point in doing all the exercise and not changing my eating habits. I believe what you eat is a life style choice.

    Just trying to remain positive. Thanks to support believe it or not from people on these forums I have learned to accept what痴 happened. ( work in progress mind ) to reflect and look back but not dwell and most importantly look inside and figure out why I知 feeling like this? Reason usually sits deeper than just being dumped.

    Everything is still a work in progress. Been NC for 10 days after breaking it ( thinking I was healed when not haha silly me )
    Really good idea OP. Instead of focusing on the doom and gloom it痴 nice to read the positives people have achieved from the breakups they have endured.

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